4.5 year old DS scratching his 4 month old sister

[LiamsMommy31905]

The title pretty much says it all. We are SO upset that this is happening. Whenever DD begins to cry, he takes a quick swipe at her little bald head and often draws blood. DD has been quite high maintenance and clingy since birth and shrieks whenever we put her down in the swing/bouncer/floor, etc. We don't let her CIO, however. The crying is seemingly distressing for DS and he immediately lashes out at her. We have to watch him like a hawk to protect her....he is so fast. We don't spank, and he has NEVER shown any aggression toward anyone (in fact, quite the opposite!) so we have no idea where this is coming from.

He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he continues to do it...and it's unbelievably frustrating. He knows exactly what to say to appease us (e.g., "If I hit/scratch Molly, I have to go into time-out. It makes Mommy & Daddy sad when I hurt Molly. Hands are not for hitting, only for hugging.") Right now, the only recourse we have is to send him to time-out, but obviously, that isn't working. He really doesn't have any attachments to toys/TV/books or anything that we could take away as a punishment.

We have tried spending extra alone time with him, doing special things with him, etc. to no avail. We've tried role-playing what to do when he gets angry.

Can anyone offer any additional tips/tricks to curb this aggression/impulsive behavior? Please tell me it will get better. I'm at the end of my rope and so upset that my kids can't get along.

Thanks for reading.

[lovingmylife]

I would not let him have the chance to even do it. I would keep her in your arms when your son is around at all times. You said it happens every time so I would not take any chances. He is nearly 5 according to his birthday so I would be pretty concerned that he is hurting a newborn and drawing blood. What is his reaction when he sees her bleeding? Does that not concern him that he did that to her?

[Kirsten]

If he functions at a normal 4.5 year old level, I would be super concerned about him making this choice repeatedly. At that age, he should be able to NOT do that, whether she is shrieking or not. Maybe once if she surprised him - but repeatedly after being talked to about it?

Honestly, only two things come to mind. One is to see a child psychologist. The other is against the MDC code of no physical punishment.

My brother - not sure what age but maybe four? - would bite. Everyone in the family had teeth marks on them; he usually drew blood. My poor mother tried every approach but he continued. One day, I'm sure without planning it but just from desperation, she bit him back. He never did it again. Not how any of us would hope to fix it, but it did stop him. He also spent many years in therapy - but to be fair, both our parents had passed away by the time he was six.

You really can't have your kids in the same room if you aren't physically between them and quick enough to stop him if he goes for her. It isn't fair that he scratches her even one more time.

Does he have some "just for him/big boy" stuff? Go to the zoo with Auntie? Preschool? Swimming lessons? Stuff that little sister isn't big enough to do?

[griffin2004]

If he does it again before you can catch him, I would pick up the baby and leave his presence. If he followed me, I would continue to leave his presence including shutting the bedroom door behind me. All this without saying a word. Be separated from him for a few minutes so the message sinks in.

The verbal stuff doesn't seem to be helping, and in fact, he seems to have turned it around to use on you. So follow the old adage of actions speaking louder than words and reinforce that when Brother is mean to Baby, Mama and Baby won't be around Brother. At his age, he'll get it quickly is my guess.