how to tell family that number 4 is on its way

[johannasonja]

Hi everybody,
i am pregnant with number 4 and my husbands family is totally fine with it but mine thinks i am nuts. So how do you tell them? With number 3 i waited until about 20 weeks, because i just didnt feel like putting up with stupid arguments, but now i got stupid comments already when i was just saying that there will be a number 4, things like- when will you be done, or dont you have enough already?
And what kinds of arguments du you give to people saying things like that?
I always feel like i want to blow up so i just keep my mouth shot because i dont want to hurt people, on the other hand they hurt me all the time.
Oh and did i mention my family lives on the other side of the ocean and doesnt even have to deal with my kids.

johannasonja

[Kidzaplenty]

Originally Posted by johannasonja

...things like-dont you have enough already?
And what kinds of arguments du you give to people saying things like that?

I usually respond with something like, "Well, which one of my children would you wish I never had?"

It usually gets them to be quiet.

I have found that I just build up the new baby (by talking all happy and such) and then refuse to even listen or respond when they are negative about it. After a while, they just stopped talking to me about it (though they do still make comments to others).

[Bluegoat]

I sympathize. My dad told me the other day, when we were talking generally about restraining our mouths, that if I had a fourth baby he would have to work hard not to tell me I was nuts. I know my mom would not restrain herself.

It's just not something that is useful to hear, and it's so incredibly rude. Maybe if you tell them you'll write their comments in the baby book they will think about what they say more.

[johannasonja]

in my family its especially my grandma and my sister (and of course sister doesnt have any children), my mom is more like- its you decision but now with number 4 she said- i told your dad and the rest (of the family) is your problem, i mean what is that supposed to mean. Anyway i dont unterstand why its other peoples business.


johannasonja

[brooks97]

No advise. Just want to offer a hug. I know how it goes and we stopped at three! The comments for #3 were unbelievable.

[catlvr976]

I've no advice either....I still haven't told my family that #4 (a huge surprise) is on the way....will be following with interest.....

[einalems]

Text them! I just found out 2 weeks ago that I am due with #4. It was a huge surprise to us. I told my mom on the phone, and listened to her comments, "What are you going to do with another one? Now you are really going to have to send them to school". We homeschool. Then I texted my dad, brother in FL and sister (who is desperately trying to get pregnant with her 1st & having trouble). My husband did the same for his family so he didn't get upset by unkind comments. I know it might be a bit less personal, but it made it much easier, as we could all think before "saying".

M

[johannasonja]

what are you goind to do with another one ???????????? That is bad.
We homeschool also, my grandma is probably still in shock about that (homeschooling is something horrible from a german perspective).

Recently a wife from my husbands co worker (again no children) said "dont you have enough of THOSE", after we answered to other people that yes we want another one.


johannasonja

[sharr610]

Honestly, I would probably tell them while bawling my eyes out as the thought of 4 kids terrifies me!
BUT, that is me and I have huge respect for you mamas of larger families. It takes a special kinda mama, thats for sure, and you need to be confident in your life decisions.

So how do you tell them? Just do, however you'd like to because not only are you an adult, but you are an adult who is responsible for 4 little ones, so, in my opinion, who cares what anyone else thinks?! Thats not important! They are going to say what they are going to say, but you don't have to listen.

BUT, do keep in mind that they are your family. And I'm sure they aren't just making comments to be mean and vengeful. I'm sure the comments come from a caring place. I try to think forward as a mama about how I would feel if DS came to me with news of lots of kiddos. I love him to pieces and I just want life to be happy, easy and good for him. Kids don't fall into the easy category, and honestly, I'd probably have feelings about it, weather or not they were rational. But I'd hope I'd be good enough to try to keep them to myself and try to support him in what he wants in this life.

. Don't let them get to you. I know, easier said than done.

[johannasonja]

i try not to let it get mo me, but especially when sister tells you you are not a birth machine you dont have to do that, that is kind of painful.

johannasonja

[broodymama]

I had to deal with some stupid comments from family about #4 also.

[johannasonja]

who knows, may be they give up with number 5 and 6

[sharr610]

Originally Posted by johannasonja

i try not to let it get mo me, but especially when sister tells you you are not a birth machine you dont have to do that, that is kind of painful.

johannasonja

To which I would respond, "You are SO right. And isn't it great that I have the power to make whatever kind of choice I want to in this world, even if its to have lots and lots of babies."

[johannasonja]

the only problem is if somebody throws you something like that in the face you dont realize right away what that person actually said. But i am better prepared for things like that now.


johannasonja

[jillmamma]

Let me say...congratulations! I am the oldest of 4, and LOVED it growing up!

We have been lucky not to get too many comments about expecting #3...seems like more people in my area are having 3 anyhow. But if we end up with #4 (not likely as DH feels DONE after 3, but I personally would not mind), I am sure we would get comments. I think I would say something like, "just think of how much fun my kids will have together like their mommy did growing up...always someone to play with!"

[johannasonja]

thank you jillmamma. Good to hear somebody say they loved it. Thats what i think too, always somebody to play with and 3 is just an uneven number, thats only my opinion though.

But that is actually a good coment.

johannasonja

[COgirl19]

wow, I got called a "rabbit" just for having a 2nd! I would just tell them yes we are having #4 and we are absolutely thrilled! Leave it at that. I think you have every right to tell people that the rude comments are hurtful though. It is your family and your buisness/decision only.

[Smokering]

First, congratulations!

Second, my grandmother was like that. Mum had six of us. She didn't greet the news of any of us with joy. Number 1 was "Oh no, but you were going to move to America and now you can't!". Number 2 (after Mum and Dad did move to America) was "Oh no, another one so close, and in a FOREIGN COUNTRY?". Number 3 (me!) was "ANOTHER one?"... same for Number 4. Number 5 came after a tubal and reversal, so her response was "Oh no, I thought you got that... fixed up." Number 6 was met with SILENCE. Months later, when Mum mentioned it, Grandma said "Oh well, it's a bit of a non-event really". The good news is she thinks we're fantastically wondrous now we're all growed up.

I think the idea of waiting is a good one. If you have a bad relationship on other levels I'd be tempted not to tell them at all, but that might be unhealthy. Certainly waiting until 20 weeks or even later is reasonable. Keep it positive, keep it light and change the subject quickly.

Good luck.

[sostinkinhappy]

I have no advice for you really other than to just tell them and if they say hurtful things, then tell them they are being hurtful.

(As a side note, I come from a family of 12 children & hubby comes from a family of 8 so four children sounds like a relatively small amount to me! I actually think it is a well-balanced number - everyone can have a partner to go on rides with at Disneyland!)

[mlystew20]

Wow, this is so amazing to me! I am not pregnant, but I am one of four, and though it has its challenges, it was overall a pretty good experience (and we were all homeschooled so it can be done)!

When I do eventually have kids, I plan on having 4-6! My mom and dad come from large family (Dad is one of seven, mom is one of nine! Same situ with grandparents & great grandparents). So four is really tiny to me.

At any rate, just build your own family as you desire, and don't let the negative comments from family members get you down. You should sit them down and say frankly and calmy that you don't like there negative comments, and that they are hurtful to you and potentially to the new family member.