Criticized for babywearing or holding baby

[Alisse]

I'm getting tired of my inlaws telling me that i should just let my ds cry it out. I understand that this was the thing to do in their time. But even when me or my dh try to explain that paradigms have changed they just won't hear of it. And i find myself in these moments where i feel as though i'm going to completely lose my sh*t on them because they can't stand that i wear my ds throughout the day or pick him up everytime he gets fussy. They especially get critical about the fact that, just before bed, i usually hold/rock/wear him until he's sleeping soundly. I've tried to explain to them that doing this allows him to get to sleep sooner, otherwise he fusses and is awake/overtired for much longer. That's when i get the "you need to let him cry it out" or "you're enabling him" type comments. He's only just turned 3months old. Funny how the same inlaws are amazed at how my ds's temperament is so good; he very rarely cries and he's constantly cooing and smiling.

I'm trying really hard to ignore them. Unfortunately they get to my dh sometimes in that he'll succumb to their pressuring him to not pick our ds up when our ds obviously wants to be held...that's when i, the "bad guy", end up picking up the LO.

[OperaDiva]

First, you need to have a calm, rational discussion with DH reminding him why you don't CIO, so you know you're both on the same page.

Second, I really think you and DH should present a united front to the in-laws. HE should be the one to do it, sit them down and say "WE are the parents, we get to make the decisions, whether you agree with them or not. Our decision is to comfort our son when he needs us, not to let him cry. If you have an issue with that please keep it to yourself. If you choose to disrespect us and our choices, we will choose to spend less time with you."

Obviously feel free to use your own words, but that is the idea you want to get across.

[CellarDoor]

Don't defend your parenting style. Don't engage in a "discussion." You could say something simple like "Holding the baby makes us both happy. Could you pass the bean dip?" Changing the subject fast is key.

Good luck!

[April Dawn]

3 months??? That is crazy. I wouldn't do CIO even for an older baby, but a tiny one like that has absolutely no other way to tell you he needs you! Good job for sticking to what you believe, even under pressure. I definitely think you should talk to your DH and see why he gives in to his parents sometimes. As for the inlaws, I would tell them that they had their time to parent, and this is your time to parent as you see fit. And every time they bring it up, I would tell them "We have already talked about this and I don't want to argue any more" and then change the subject. Good luck!

[sapphire_chan]

If they can't be nice to the baby they don't get to see the baby and it isn't nice to say that babies should be left to cry.

[anotherpeanut]

A 3 month old baby? I can't stand hearing a 12 month old baby cry! Especially during the day when there are able bodies around (i can understand how it's more tempting at night when exhaustion has truly set in...but i'm not for full on CIO then either)! I would just ignore them and parent however you want...and tell your DH to pick up your crying baby! Good luck, sounds like you may have a rocky road in front of you!

[Alisse]

This CIO and anti-spoiling concepts are so totally engrained in our culture and in certain ppl's minds that i don't think the inlaws can even help but be suspicious that the baby has some devious plain up his sleeves to make his parents and all those around him into his slaves. And it's so sad that it can be believed that a 3 month old, who just learned to swat toys last week btw, could also be thought to be able handle being laid down alone, helpless. I, myself, don't even like lying down alone to sleep most of the time, but at least i'm able to do something about it.

[Quirky]

I would go for the old "our pediatrician said" routine.

E.g.,

• "our ped said that the less energy baby spends crying, the more energy baby can put into physical and mental development"
• "our ped said that the more babies are held, the more they will nurse and of course we know breastmilk is brain food"
• "our ped said that babies left to sleep alone are more likely to die of SIDS"
• "our ped said that babies carried in arms develop head and torso control earlier than babies who are not carried frequently"
• "our ped said that we should keep the baby out of bucket containers as much as possible to avoid the risk of container head (flat head) syndrome"
• "our ped said that the more we hold and interact with our baby, the better his verbal abilities will be"

Doctor knows best, right?

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by Quirky

I would go for the old "our pediatrician said" routine.
...

Doctor knows best, right?

I say this, too. Of course, my ped DOESN'T say these things (she encourages CIO, feeding cereal, etc... But no one has to know that "my doctor" I refer to is Dr. William Sears.

[pixiepunk]

just wanted to add that my MIL was totally this way after my first was born. "oh you're going to spoil her" etc. she asked me if i was "still" bf'ing every time i spoke to her from the time DD1 was 4 months old until she finally did wean at 3 yo

but interestingly, as she watched my kids grow up and turn into totally non-spoiled, in fact polite, independent and delightful children, she has really changed her tune. in fact, she asked me to make a ring sling for her boss when she was pregnant last year! she never once asked if i was 'still' nursing DS, who nursed till 3.5, nor has she said anything about DD2. and astoundingly, she has told me many times in the last few years what a good mother i am. it's been a total 180. so i guess i'm just saying that often, the proof is in the pudding. once your child is a few years old and she sees what a happy, independent kid your son is, she probably won't be so critical anymore. people really do think they're doing you a favor by telling you these things, they really do believe that holding babies makes them spoiled because that's what everyone has always told them (including doctors) for their entire lives. so then their children (who they still see as babies on some level) are trying to tell them that everything they have been told their whole lives is false. frankly, if it were me, i don't know if i'd believe it without some proof either

so i know how annoying it is, having been through it myself. there were times i just absoluted dreaded visiting her. but i wanted to give you the hope of the light at the end of the tunnel. i never expected to see it, for sure, but it sure is nice! and even if they never come around completely, you know you're following your instincts and doing what you feel is best for your child. be proud and confident, who cares about everybody else?

[MSinghsMama]

I'm SO sick of the criticism, especially the "If you don't put him down he'll never learn", and "he only wants to be held because you've got him so used to it". With my own family or friends i spell out the benefits, sometimes I give my parents print outs of research and the facts behind my parenting decisions. Things like "research since the 1970s has shown that CIO lowers blood oxygen levels and dangerously increases heart rates due to the physiological and psychological stress".

With strangers i just tend to shut off when they start up their nonesense. When my son was about 3 months old i was told "he knows all he has to do is cry and you'll come running". I was like, "Thank Goodness he know's i'll be there to soothe him! would you rather he knew that every time he was upset mummy WOULDN'T be there to help?"

CIO breaks my heart Just do what you know is right

[jenn09]

oh honey!
my mom always says "put that baby down!"
it use to get on my nerves all the time
and it would make me think twice

but i just looked as
im giving my daughter all my love and positive energy i can possibly give her
that's all she wants, that's what she most needs
i view it as a healing
an embracing that no one else can take away or feel
giving all of my love that no one else can give her
that she loves and will never take for granted
it's a connection that no one will ever understand

some people can't see that

all he wants is you
and that connection
love and embrace

whenever someone tells me that i need to leave her alone when she gets fussy or whatever else that annoys them

i just laugh at them and smile and say ok
and keep doing what im doing

don't let them get to you
that's what they want you to do

[newlywaaz]

I am not even pregnant yet and am already praying about this because I know it will come from my IL's. We were out of the country while both of my DS's were babies, so even though I'll be parenting the same way I anticipate advice as if it is the first time. I think for me they won't really listen to anything I have to say, so I'll take the "nod and smile and carry on" approach 9 times out of 10. We'll see. At least DH is on my side, if only because it means he has very little responsibility for each new baby for a few months!