Dealing with comments when your HS'd kid isn't advanced

[laohaire]

Just curious if anyone comes up against this and how they deal with it. It seems like all the hs'd kids I know are super-smart etc. but DD is more of an average kid academically. Which is fine. If she was in school, nobody would notice or care, but I wonder how many comments I'm going to get when she's a little behind in some skills like reading.

Don't worry, I'm not making any choices based on what other people think, but if someone has a way of looking at it that would help, that would be great. As opposed to me basically having to make the entire subject off-limits to my mother and MIL, which would be stressful and blah.

[laohaire]

I just wanted to add, neither mother nor MIL have started on the comments yet. But MIL was a teacher and she is a worrier. I think she's ok with homeschooling, but it's just her nature to worry.

My mother I worry about because, well, I was an advanced kid. And an only kid. I was reading whole books by the age that DD is now. I'm really afraid my mother is just going to be comparing DD to me which is going to be painful for all of us. Sure, she could do the same if DD were in PS but it would be easier to show her that she was in the curve of the class. But outside of that structure she is going to obviously assign her own standards.

Anyway, who says MIL is the worrier in the family... maybe I'm training to take up her position. Sigh.

[pigpokey]

Maybe share with her the end goals of your district's grade levels with her casually at some point? Also I remember a study -- does anyone have a link to it -- that showed that when kids first start homeschooling, they are typically within a grade level of public school kids on skill tests and about the same performance wise as private school kids, and the benefits of home schooling accrue progressively (meaning the gap widens as they go along -- not so evident in the beginning).

[Collinsky]

I haven't dealt with it, so far. My girls are pretty young still, so it might be something I get later... but neither of them is academically advanced.

Really, though, you can't let what your MIL may or may not (or DOES) think dictate what you do. I know you know that. You have to do what is best for your child and your family, regardless of what she, or your mother, or anyone else, thinks is best.

If someone important to you does make a comment or show concern, thank them for their concern, acknowledge that you know they care and that they have experience/information, and then say, "We've done a lot of research and put a lot of thought into our choices, and we feel it's working well for Dd." You don't have to defend your choices or explain them.

And as for having children who are at an average academic level, instead of being advanced... I just remind myself that being an early reader, and academically advanced myself, didn't mean that I found a cure for cancer, or decoded the Mayan language, or wrote an epic novel. It meant I grew up to have a fairly average life. Most advanced children grow up to have pretty average lives, IMO. They may continue to have "brainy" hobbies, but the fundamental framework of their lives tends to look a lot like everyone else's. (Not referring to the profoundly gifted, of course.) And people who were late readers usually grow up to have similar kinds of lives -- and a great many of them do find cures for diseases, invent new technology, and live extraordinary lives as adults. Early reading isn't a predictor of future success. Not sure if that is at all helpful for you, but it keeps me from giving into worry when my 7 yo is reading at the same level I was when I was 4.

[LauraLoo]

Why did you begin HS'ing? What goals and philosophies do you have regarding the education of your dc's? (I'm assuming that perhaps this goes beyond being academically superior to peers.....just trying to help you format it in your own words.)

Surely your MIL and mother know children that weren't at the top of their class and yet live happy and productive lives. And I would be certain they could think of a few examples of children who fell through the cracks because they didn't receive one-on-one attention like HS'ing provides or the focus of school wasn't where the child's interests or abilities were so they just endured years and years of classes that did nothing for them in the long run. Just some ideas to get you started. Hopefully others will have other ideas.

[elizawill]

both of my kids are average. if they were in public school, i imagine my dd would be a well-liked and well-behaved student, but wouldn't be in any kind of gifted class or anything. my ds would probably be labeled with something and struggle emotionally, but academically he is doing excellent.

i've not dealt with any comments as of yet. i'm very aware of where my children are in comparison to their peers though, and i don't need outside input trying to steer my decisions or my children's academic success. i'd be sure to say-so too if someone stepped over that line. i want my children to succeed more than anyone, but we also have the advantage of learning at their own pace, and i fully believe if they start off "behind" (for lack of a better word) it will be short-lived and they will not only catch-up to their peers, but most likeky surpass them academically. ykwim?

[darcytrue]

I don't consider my children academically advanced and no one has ever commented on it, especially in our family. I don't think they even realize it's a possibility for homeschooled children to be advanced. My children are doing wonderful in the academics for their age and are happy, that's most important and they are very socially advanced and very mature for their ages. Plus, it's like every other HS child I meet is gifted. Sometimes IRL, I feel like other parents talk about their smart children just so they can make others feel bad if their kids aren't advanced or gifted. I keep away from most HS groups for this reason. I didn't HS my children so I could get them several grade levels above other children their age. If they do it - fine, but if they aren't that's great too.

[philomom]

Actually, the Op's post points out one of the major arguments for homeschooling that I heard over and over again when I homeschooled my daughter one year. The other homeschooling moms in this large homeschool multi-age playgroup insisted that because their kids didn't have to wait in line, wait their turn and be part of the "system"... that there was so much more time for learning. And from my brief homeschooling experience I can tell you its not like that. Being at home also has its interruptions and its challenges. Some days it was quite the trick to get 4 hours of work done.

Back to the Op.... is your child happy? Is she learning at a regular pace? Is she lopsided with her skill set? If you are worried there are tests that can provide some insight. Or if you feel your schooling is not the right approach for her.. there are curriculum kits you can buy to help you through. Do you think she's on grade level at least?

[laohaire]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it. I think my post was not really well thought out. In fact I know it wasn't.

DD is only 4, for starters. I was just thinking ahead. Needlessly, in this case.

I'm not worried about her. I just have worrying grandmothers over my shoulders, you know? I had to deal with this pulling DD out of preschool earlier this year, and you guys helped me a lot to deal with my own worry on things that I knew weren't important but couldn't put my finger on why not. I got your perspectives and some of it really enabled me to articulate my own thought process. That not only allowed me to effectively present this update to my mother/MIL (and it went over well with them, and I'm certain it would not have if I didn't have my thoughts already in order to walk them through our decision process) but of course also increase my own confidence in our decision.

As to what my reasons are for wanting to homeschool, it's a fabulous question and it's really what I need to ask myself in order to prepare my answer for my above question. Nope, I'm not homeschooling because I want an academically advanced kiddo, that's not on my list of reasons at all.

I have a lot of jumbled reasons already, but they are jumbled. And half of them sound bad when I first try to express them. Meaning, I might blurt out that I want DD to grow up belonging to her family and not to some immature clique at school, but of course that will freak everyone out: "but you know she has to have friends!!" (of course and I want her to have them too, and will make sure she does); "you can't shelter her forever!!" (sheltering her forever isn't my intention, but providing appropriate shelter for her as she needs it and guiding her into the world is).. well, you know the drill. I just have to organize and polish it up so I can articulate it well.

I just realized, it wasn't my mother or my MIL that brought this up in my mind this week, but my SSIL (step SIL). I had to see her at Christmas and she drives me crazy. The last two times we saw her (just a few days ago and another time earlier this year) we had confrontations about homeschooling. The first was the worst; school came up as a topic and DH mentioned that we were considering homeschooling, and SSIL actually said, "No, you can't do that, you'll turn her into a basket case." I wish I had replied "Did you actually say that?" Anyway I should stop letting her get under my skin and affect my own confidence.

Carry on

[water]

Here are some reasons to homeschool that i have articulated over the years. FWIW, my ds was "behind" grade-level work until this year (age 8) and is now mysteriously "above" grade-level. So things do change, sometimes, for one reason or another.

"I disagree with the current push for early academics in school."

"I want my kid to have the kind of kindergarten experience you and I had, which unfortunately is not to be found in public school these days."

"The great part about homeschooling is that the kids can work at different levels in every subject, so they are never ahead of or behind themselves!"

"It works well for our family."

"How 'bout them Yankees?"

[annethcz]

I've got 3 kids who are way ahead of grade level averages, and one who is slightly behind/average. Quite honestly, I think that individual instruction and being able to really work with the child who is 'behind' is one of the positives of HSing. In institutional school, my average child doesn't get nearly as much attention as my kids who are ahead of the curve.

[Savoir Faire]

If someone ever made a comment to me, I'd point out that their schooled child isn't exactly Einstein, either.

[sha_lyn]

I've dealt with this from another homeschooling mom. She basically said that I made all homeschoolers look bad for not pushing my daughter to be advanced. I reminded her that the main reason I homeschooled is because my DD had minor fine motor skill delays and her birthday was just a few days before the cut off for public school. Had we put her in PS "on schedule" she would have been one of the youngest and smallest in her class. She already had to have special allowances (allowed to stand in chair to reach her coat hook and cubical and was given a stool for the bathroom sink etc) in pre-K because of being so small.

What was really shocking was that this mother was homeschooling for similar reasons but felt her son was the only exception to her "rule".

[zeldamomma]

Honestly, if your relationship with your mom and MIL is generally respectful, they will be able to see that you are more concerned than anyone that your child works up to her ability, and has the skills she needs in life.
I have a child who is way ahead in everything, and another who is behind in reading (the main skill people notice in lower elementary-aged kids, it seems). Everyone in the family knows that we are quite aware of the situation and we're working on it. No one wants to make my late reader feel bad, and so it doesn't come up much.

My MIL is also a former teacher, and I think she does feel that we're dissing her profession to some extent, but she doesn't give me a hard time about the kids' ability levels.

[calmom]

this is a good question! it cracks me up that the only acceptable hs-ed child is an advanced for his/her age child. i have heard a LOT of this from mostly family members. some people only seem aware of brilliant hs-ed children and that if they're "normal" or below "normal", then you're doing something wrong.

my oldest didn't read well until age 12, same with my 12 yo, my 8yo is probably "average" and my 5yo dd is the only one i would consider advanced. so i've had a lotof experience with this.

i've had to either make it very clear that our reasons for homeschooling were much more important than any particular "level" our child was at and that i didn't want to discuss it or for other family members, i just lie my butt off that we're completely up to par, everything's going great, the end. of course, that doesn't work if you have someone trying to quiz your child. i would never tolerate that, that is just beyond ridiculous!

this whole subject just makes me so frustrated. each child is so incredibly unique with amazing talents that could never possibly be adequately tested.

anyway, i think it's great tha tyou're preparing yourself for this stuff. good luck on your homeschool journey!

[mntnmom]

" You mean they don't have average kids in public school? Silly me, I thought that's where we got the standards for average?"

[jlpumkin]

I think every child has special gifts, whether they be academic or not. I do my best to sway the conversation in that direction whenever possible. It can't hurt for a kid to hear some of their strengths as well. And if it sounds silly to brag up a young child's ability to do bird calls over dinner then so be it lol.

[ocelotmom]

Originally Posted by laohaire

Just curious if anyone comes up against this and how they deal with it. It seems like all the hs'd kids I know are super-smart etc. but DD is more of an average kid academically. Which is fine. If she was in school, nobody would notice or care, but I wonder how many comments I'm going to get when she's a little behind in some skills like reading.

Actually, I get this primarily from DH, who was reading at 4 and reading fairly advanced chapter books at 6, and therefore feels that the fact that our 6.5 year old DS is not reading confidently is evidence of a character flaw on the part of either me, DS, or both.

[PGTlatte]

I want them to learn each subject area at the pace that is best for them. They might go faster than average in some areas and slower than average in others. I love that homeschooling gives them that freedom.

Originally Posted by laohaire

Just curious if anyone comes up against this and how they deal with it.

[2winsmamaand2more]

Average, of course is relative. I've been thinking about all the skills in life that are needed to survive and especially thrive - i.e. academics, cooking, socializing and relationships, lawn maintenience, car upkeep, accounting, plumbing etc., etc.. We worry so much about what our children learn (or should learn) at school and largely neglect so many other areas. At home my children have, at least, the ability to see real life even when I'm too harried to let them participate. So hopefully life skills and common sense will someday help dictate whether my children are average or not in life.

I have HS'd my four children (oldest is 13) most of their lives. Academically, I have felt some to be "ahead" and some average and in some subjects and some cases some very behind. No matter where they are, I have always gotten these comments from people. My mother in particular is strongly against my HS'ing my children and feels a need at least twice a year to have this conversation with me (usually while blaming my Aunt who is a retired Public School teacher). Even after one of my children has excelled at something she will make a comment about how she needs to be in public school. My children have received compliments on how they act in public (which is very gratifying after spending so much time with them at home ha (they are very free spirited and the younger two call themselves Hooligans that prefer to live outdoors and eat with their hands) and the two oldest did a semester at public school 2 years ago and had no problem keeping up with the work despite having rarely done "school type work." My long, drawn out point is that no matter how average or above average or even below average children are, there are people who just don't get it. My other family members are not as vocal, but definately not supportive of HS'ing either. It makes me wonder if they feel there is something wrong with my children. They don't say they think so - so I really feel they just don't like "different."

Sorry for the rant. I really needed it. I've been so overwhelmed lately and not around any HS support. I was just starting to think about sending some to PS next year. so Whew!