Do kids "deserve" their own rooms? - Page 5

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by KimberlyD0

I would pay extra so my kids don't have to share a room.

I shared my room with my sister who was 10 years older then me and I HATED it. I would never do that to my kids is there was another option.

Is it possible that it wasn't the room sharing that was the problem, but the way your parents handled it?

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Fair enough - but when I do that, I'm also trying to understand the thinking behind the viewpoint I don't agree with. I got the feeling that was part of where the OP was coming from. In any case, I don't get any feeling whatsoever that the OP is planning to use our posts as ammo against her SIL, or harangue her niece and nephew.

Bolding mine ... I didn't get any feeling that she was going to harangue anyone, either.

And I actually don't harangue people when they make decisions that I disagree with. I'm just realizing that, at least for me, it's not all that constructive to try to figure out whether someone else is right or wrong, about the decisions they make without consulting me.

Edited to Add: So maybe that's one area where I disagree with GalateaDunkel, since I don't believe the OP's going to harangue anyone. I just agree with her that it's really none of our business to be talking about what some complete stranger who doesn't even post here, should be doing.

Not that I don't ever talk about people, because sometimes I do catch myself making these judgments. I just don't think it's healthy -- not for me, anyway.

And now here I am, going against my own advice by talking about what the OP should be doing, LOL.

[mamazee]

I was just trying to get perspective. I won't talk to her about it because it's a decision for them, not for me.

[Kristine233]

We have 3 kids and live in a 5 bedroom house. DH and I don't share a room (he snores). Each of our kids also have their own room. But guess what? Almost every other night I find all 3 kids in my youngest DD's room. She has bunk beds and a couch in her room and the kids all cram in there and share it, its comforting to them. If they aren't all in there at least one is always in the bed of another sibling. A lot of the time Dh and I have to go hunt for one child who is not in their own room and figure out where they decided to crash for the night.

In our house, rooms are for sleeping. They play in family rooms, together. I see no issue with sharing a room. The ONLY reason my kids have separate rooms is because we have the space. But none of them need or deserve a room of their own. At least once a year the kids do a room swap amongst themselves and often times the girls choose to share a room for awhile.

You don't need your own room to have personal space. A bed, or a desk can serve as this. As long as its a space that they can retreat to that is no one else's.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I was just trying to get perspective. I won't talk to her about it because it's a decision for them, not for me.

I believe you.

[lilyka]

This isn't just about the OPs SIL. It speaks to a general trend in american culture to provide for our children beyond our means because we feel like we are some how harming them if we don't. houses are clearly getting bigger and bigger even though families are not. It is becoming increasingly uncommon for siblings to share rooms. I think this is great fodder for a discussion, OPs SIL aside. what the heck else do we all have to sit around and gab about.

if I may throw out a slightly related question..My MIL has a 4 bedroom house. She had two children who got settled into the larger two bedrooms. then several years later had twins. they ended up sharing the very tiny nursery for 16 years. In our house we have two bedrooms and three girls. that means one got their own room and the other two shared. I handled it quite differently than MIL though. we rotated every couple years, who ever was the most obnoxious sleeper or the lightest sleeper or whatever fit the needs of everyone getting sleep is how we divied things up and the two sharing a room got the biggest room. (both houses had play rooms so no one was cramming everyones belongings into their bed room) in a situation where not everyone has to share a room do you think it is fair that one or two kids got their own room? were not the two kids sharing entitled to as much as their siblings had? how would you have handled that?

I do not think kids are entitled to their own rooms or even their own beds. . . . As it is we are all lucky to have a roof over our heads and thats how it was growing up. its a good day around here when you don't have to sleep on the floor....

in your SIL case...she does realize if it drives her into bankruptsy she will not get to keep the house most likely....and then they will have no rooms...just throwing that out there.

it is more complicated with the step siblings. Heres the thing though, when you go to visit the non-custodial parent you are visiting. it is not your home and the greatest most private room is not going to change that. I have been the visited, the visitor, and my children visit at their dads every other weekend. non-custodial parents place is not your home no matter how you dress it up.

and yes it sucks having your visiting step sister crash in your room. especially if you have different bed times. especially if she crashes in your bed. especially if she snores.... It made me really really resent my step sister. I am not sure why she didn't share a room with her sister who lived at our house. Not sure why she couldn't stay up later. but that is not relevent to the discussion. just saying. but everyone needs to pull together to make it work. however it has to work. its two days, every other weekend. I would expect my children to suck it up in the name of family. besides sharing a room is a good way to get to know your step siblings and bond a little (I can't lie, as much as I hated sharing my room with her it is the only time I spent getting to know her and grew kinda fond of her. I think there was about 6 years between us. maybe four. clearly I did not get to know her that well.....) But I would recommend everyone have their own beds. and visitors have a private lockable space to put some of their stuff.

[Kirsten]

I voted other. I do think kids should have their own rooms if possible, and definitely as teens. I also think kids should get to visit Disneyland at least once as kids, and to have college paid for if they keep a certain grade point. Of course that is all dependant on finances!

Originally Posted by anj_rn

How to divide has a lot to do with how old the kids are. I know the girls are 4 yrs apart and the boys are 6 yrs apart, but how old are each of them?

I would also commit to trying it out in the current house before a big move.

I agree - what are ages and genders of SIL's kids and her fiance's kids? And I'd definitely try to convert a room or two in the house to make it work for the fiance's kids to have some space of their own. You could do some pretty cool stuff with a tiny portion of what it would cost to buy a big house in an expensive area.

When I was a kid, a family with four kids (three girls and one boy) had the two oldest girls (only a year apart) share a room that had previously been a one car attached garage. They took out the garage door and made a wall. They then put a floor to ceiling bookshelf type thing in the middle of the room with just enough room on one end to walk around it. Each girl got one side, and each girl got to paint her side any way/color she wanted. It turned out really cool. This was originally a three bedroom house - and in the end the parents had one room, the boy had one room, the baby (girl) had one room, and the two older girls shared what had been the garage.

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that anyone would actually knowingly risk bankruptcy to ensure that each child had their own room.

It is hard to tell if the SIL was lamenting that this plan may result in bankruptcy OR if the OP mentioned that and her SIL agreed it is possible - just to avoid the argument, 'cause well, anything is possible. I doubt SIL would go into this if she thought losing the house and filing bankruptcy was the most likely end result.

Originally Posted by Anglyn

I understand that she would want them to have their own space, but could they not maybe convert a garage or attic or basement or something?

Exactly!!! Garage, attic, basement, current office, bonus room, even enclosing a front porch could work. Any of these options would be cheaper than buying a new house, and keep SIL's kids in their school district without the stress of a move. A closet to make the room an official/legal bedroom is totally unnecessary. Buy a dresser!

Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel

her apparently cavalier attitude WRT bankruptcy may have just been her way of blowing off your nosiness? Why should she let you in on the details of her and her fiance's finances, be they good or bad? If you are really concerned about those kids, work on your relationship with them and let your SIL manage her own concerns as the responsible adult in HER family.

I understand and agree with this - but as long as the OP keeps her info anonymous and her opinions to herself (and she has said she is) then it is an interesting topic since our society does seem to have an issue with buying more than we can afford - and why do we do it?

[sewchris2642]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Despite this financial reality, they plan to sell her house and buy a five-bedroom house in the Chicago area ($$$$$$) because they feel each child DESERVES their own room. My SIL said that even if they are put into bankruptsy, which she acknowledges is a possibility, they have to do this so kids don't have to share rooms.

I want to comment on the words "DESERVES" and "bankruptcy" in your post. From the wording of your post, these words were spoken by your SIL? If so, I can see myself using the same words to describe the same situation. Not to describe reality but for hyperbole to emphasis my seriousness in seeking a solution of the soon-to-be blended family that would take into account the feelings of all the members including the ones who will only be part-time members. In discussions with all the children--we will be barely able to afford a house with separate rooms for all of you but only if we move away from all your friends, your other parent, your schools and cut out any extracurricular activities that you are now enjoying. Put like that, I can see the teens deciding on their own that sharing a room for those 4 days a month is doable.

On the other hand room sharing with that age gap is hard. When Joy and family moved in with us, Dylan wanted Alex to share his room. There is a 7 year age gap between them. It only lasted a short time before Dylan requested another sleeping arrangement. Here bedrooms aren't just used for sleeping. Dylan's Lego collection has to be played with in his room because of his much younger nephews and niece (now only the youngest nephew, age 1 on the 7th). He does his homework in his room when the rest of the house is to chaotic and noisy. Or he just wants to be alone which is happening more frequently as he becomes a teen. And his bedtime is different.

BTW what about your SIL's children? Won't they also be there part time? Even if the new house will be their primary residence?

[octobermom]

Umm deserve?? that is a weird word to use It might be a nice thing something important for your family something even worth a level of financial strain to obtain it but "deserved" ummm well not really. Saying that I'll freely admit I'm very glad that baby #2 on its way now will eventually occupy room #3 and her older sister will remain in hers. While we of course would have figured out how to put two in one in our situation if we were still in our apartment I'm still glad that I wont have a 7+ year old who is now into tiny things sharing with a baby (much less when sehs gets to be a toddler). Both rooms lucily will be set up to allow for a "guest" so sisters can share if they like it just wont be a necessity. I'm thankful yes but I wouldn't personally put my family through extreme debt to make it happen.

Deanna

[madskye]

Deserve is a strong word that brings up entitlement issues, but...add me to the list that feels kids deserve a space of their own and some privacy. Divorce is a really sad thing when you're a kid, and having somewhere to get away from everyone can really help.

My parents divorced when I was 9. I slept on his couch when I visited. He and his GF chainsmoked, when they woke up, obviously, I woke up. I hated it. I hated going there. I lovd my dad. He lived too far away for daytrips, but I just hated, hated, hated going to his apartment.

When my mom and I temporarily moved into her BF's apt, he made me a little bed on the landing of his stairwell. It had a trundle under for my stuff. Was slightly off the living room so I could sleep when I wanted. A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE--they thought about me and gave me a place. It didn't need to be a whole room.

From that perspective, I think it's great your SIL and her husband are trying to give their kids a home that they can also call their own. Not be wedged into a bunk bed in, let's face it, someone else's room. Not to be a guest. I applaud that. All of those kids have already been through a lot of change. It's very refreshing to have someone actually think of them! In most divorces, it seems like the kids are the afterthoughts.

As far as the bankruptcy thing--that sounds a little like a worst case and unlikely scenario. There are a lot of miles in between looking for a new house and going bankrupt. They might find a new house with one more bedroom that was big enough to divide, or a downstairs room that would work better than their current space. It's not necessary that they move into a mansion--but that's your SIL/BIL's decision and they know their finances lots better than I do!