DH says he is happier sleeping solo...(longish)

[GreenGranolaMama]

And I am heartbroken. It didn't start out this way. Whey DS was first born, we all slept together, but I would get up at night and go into the living room to nurse DS because DS is a loud nurser and DH is a light sleeper. However, doing things this way resulted in me getting almost no sleep whatsoever.

So when DS was about 3 mo we moved into a new house and had to remodel and remove carpets from the bedrooms. I avoided that part of the house since I have allergies and the mess from all the remodeling stressed me out. So for a month DS and I slept (quite comfortably) on the papasan style couch in the living room and DH slept in the bedroom solo. Once the floors were done, we started sleeping together again, but I was getting nervous of DS rolling off of our platform style bed, so we moved a queen sized bed into DSs room and I started sleeping with him on that. It was going to be a temporary fix until we figured something else out. It's been almost 6 months.

But Dh told me he sleeps much better without the baby and I in the bed. He also works 60+ hours a week and needs rest, so I tried not to let it bug me. He will sometimes sleep with us on the weekends or will lay with DS and I until we both fall asleep (but most nights we go to bed really early, and I have to beg him to do even this).

I tried not to let it upset me. But it is. A lot. I have tried talking to him and letting him know how much it bothers me, but he thinks I am making a big deal out of nothing and that getting rest is more important than sleeping together. This whole thing has defiantly put a fringe in our relationship for me. Help?

[Peony]

In our family it was my Dh that had a difficult time with us not sleeping together. I was beyond exhausted, I have insomnia, he snores, DD1 snores, DD2 was a light sleeper and would wake up at everything, about 2.5 years ago I just couldn't do it anymore and we spilt off into different rooms, each with a child. DH was very much affected by it, it seriously bothered him. I always let him know that I was aware of his feelings, I loved him, but I could not sleep with him. I tried to make a huge effort to get cuddle time in on the couch in the evenings when it was at all possible.



I think DH's difficulty was that in his mind, we were married, married couples are supposed to sleep together. If they don't then that means there are issues, he was worried that something bigger was going on and this was my way of getting some space. No matter what I said or did helped him get past this honestly. It didn't matter that we hadn't cuddled in bed in years because there always always one child or two in the bed and sometimes we were in separate beds in the same room.



A year ago DH moved back up to the master bedroom, in the same bed with me and DD2. We were trying to prepare DD2 to sleep with DH before DS arrived that spring, she had actually never slept with DH in her life until then because of the separate rooms. Within the week, he was begging to go back to "his" room. He realized that we ALL slept better when DH and I didn't sleep together. A couple months later he did move back, with DD2, who very happily sleeps with her daddy now. He no longer hides the fact that we have separate rooms, in fact he keeps saying that he need to add on to the house so that we can always have separate rooms.


I guess my question is why is it bothering you so much? I'm not discounting your feelings at all, just like I'm not discounting your DH's need to sleep. Do you feel like your intimacy is suffering because you aren't in the same room? I'm just trying to ask some questions so that maybe if you realize what exactly bothers you, then a solution can be found.

[Peony]

Forgot to add something, separate rooms has actually improved our marriage. We both are sleeping better at night, especially me which makes me a more patient and better mother and wife. And maybe that is where your DH is coming from as well.

[jake&zaxmom]

Our rule is "Whatever gets the best quality sleep for everyone." It is constantly evolving at our house. Right now, it's the boys their own separate rooms, me on the couch and dh in the master bedroom. We are thrilled with this arrangement right now but 6 months from now might see the boys together and me in the master br with dh or...who knows?

Whatever works best.

Oh, and our relationship did improve when we started having separate sleeping space but that doesn't mean that we'll always sleep separately.

We'll celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in May

[newbymom05]

My DH sleeps in another room w/ our 4 y/o, I sleep in the master w/ the baby, and I hate it. Seriously, hate it. Really, I hate it for the same reason as the PP's husband--I'm married, I love my husband, and I'm supposed to sleep in the same bed with him! But it's the only way anyone can sleep. And I have to admit, when I'm up later than DH and here on the computer and I hear him snoring--through the wall, mind you--I don't know that I'd be getting a better night's rest w/o the baby. But I'm still planning to send the toddler in w/ big brother when he's a little older, b/c I miss sleeping w/ my hubs!

I like the household/design blog Chez Larsson and she had this picture of a bedside table, and she felt the need to explain that yes, it was her husband's, and yes, he had his own room, and yes, they were happily married, and yes, it seemed weird but worked well for them. Well a bunch of people responded that they also had separate bedrooms and it was much better for all concerned (sleep-wise) and they'd never go back to sharing a room, let alone a bed.

Maybe this will be the wave of the future and we're vanguards.

[lotus.blossom]

This is really a short time in your life. It does get better. My DH and I coslept with ds1 for 2 years and I was miserable almost the whole time. I slept in a crumpled ball at the end of the bed because ds1 would stretch out and DH is really tall and takes up a lot of space. I had major night rage at them. This time its different. DS2 is a much better sleeper and I am establishing my boundaries (we have a toddler bed pushed up to ours) now so that I don't sacrifice my mind and body for my guys. I do find myself wishing I could crawl into bed with DS1 though. He is so cuddly, sleeps all night, and doesn't nurse (or snore)

Anyway, I think its a positive thing that your DH has communicated to you what he needs. In the future when your LO is older you might consider if its more important to you to cosleep or sleep in bed with your husband. Then you could make the transition for your LO to sleep solo.

[GreenGranolaMama]

Thanks for sharing Mamas, I'm feeling a little better about our situation knowing there are others in the same place as us. And I plan on giving DH a big hug when he gets home from work tonight because last nights sleep situation was an especially rough one...

I guess I have (unintentionally) equated sleeping together= love. I know this is not true (DH has dispelled this for me numerous times) and we defiantly get snuggle time in when we can. I know it has improved other aspects of our relationship and has allowed us to be a little more creative in terms of intimacy.

jake&zaxmom: Congrats on your anniversary! I agree that whatever allows us to get the most sleep is ultimately the best for everyone as I can't imagine going back to getting zero sleep every night.

lotus.blossom: We haven't talked about a time frame yet, but DH has also talked about this only being temporary as well- we know DS will eventually sleep in his own bed and/or bedroom and I am sure there will eventually be siblings in the mix as well so we will see what time brings.

I want to try and keep our relationship as strong as possible even though we are sleeping separately

[Baby_Cakes]

Dh slept on a futon in the living room for at least 6 months when DD was first born! Then, when the futon got uncomfortable for him, he moved to the couch. DD is 15 mo next week, and we all three just started sharing the bed again last week. She's been STTN and he's been feeling less congested, so we thought we'd give it another try.

From the beginning, it just did not work having all 3 of us in the bed. DD was up a lot to nurse, and DH snored. I was so irate with him, he was pissed at me. Nobody was getting sleep. We fought and we were angry a lot. Our relationship suffered MUCH more when we were trying to force something that wasn't working.

You have to do what works -- however you all get the most sleep. It might seem like something is "wrong" with your relationship, but really there isn't anything wrong. Things are different, sure, but a lot of things are different! It's just one of those things!

Don't feel bad about it. Reconnect with your DH during the day. Find an hour or so to snuggle at night once your LO is down for the night. Watch TV together, etc. You'll all be much happier once you let yourselves be. Good luck!