what do you say

[mama2landon]

to someone who is dying? My aunt is dying of cancer, it has spread throughout her body, and optimistic estimates give her only a few weeks now. She is very religious, and praying for a miracle, but also realizes that it is unlikely. She has asked everyone in the family to call her or visit her, if possible. I want to call her since I know I won't be able to drive all the way out to see her (its a 12+ hour drive). But I'm nervous talking on the phone in the best of situations (weird, I know) and I'm nervous about what to say to someone who is dying. And a part of me thinks that this just won't be real if I don't call her, but of course I know that is just stupid. I know I need to call her before she passes, I've always regretted that I didn't really take the chance to talk to my grandma before she passed away, but I was only 13 or 14 then, and it seemed so impossible. I just don't want to make the same mistake with my aunt, I know I will regret it if I don't call.

Sorry I'm rambling, this has all been so sudden to learn that the cancer has progressed so fast. I'm still a little in shock, it wasn't that long ago that we were all confident she would beat it, and now... only two or three weeks left... this is crazy.

[Bokonon]

I don't know the answer to this, but saying "I love you" is something you will never regret. You could tell her that you are praying for her, if you are, or thinking of her, and maybe talk about fond memories you have of her.

I talked to my father on the phone the day before he died. He was so sick and out of it that he was unintelligible, and I knew that the end was very, very near (he had esophageal cancer for 2 years and we didn't think he'd make it as long as he did). I didn't know what to say. I couldn't be there because I live 1500 miles away, and couldn't bring DS but couldn't leave him with DH, not knowing if it was going to be a day or a week or a month. I remember telling him "I'm sorry", because he sounded so miserable. But I also knew that whatever I said was more for my benefit than his, given his mental state.

[ema-adama]

Tell her you love her and you are praying for her/thinking of her. Let her do the talking, and respond to what she is saying.

[imatulip]

i was with my grandmother when she died and we just spent time together. she just wanted to know that we were there. we talked about stuff we had done. she wanted to know how my kids were, what we were doing, etc. it was all pretty normal, given the situation.

[mama2landon]

Thank you all for your replies. I talked to her and just let her lead the conversation. She asked me a lot about what I was doing with work and classes, what kind of plans I had- stuff like that. Fairly normal stuff, as you said. I got the impression she wanted to know what I was going to be doing, since she will probably not get to see it, if that makes sense? I didn't want to bring up the subject of cancer or her diagnosis just because I don't know where she is with that, if she'd prefer not to talk or think about it now. I'm going to email her Christmas morning photos of DS, since she hasn't seen him in about a year.

I'm also trying to think how to explain this all to DS, who just turned 3 in November. He knows Aunt A is sick, and he knows that she had to go to a hospital very far away and that is why he hasn't been able to visit her, but I don't know how to explain that she is dying, or what to tell him when she does die. I'm not afraid of explaining it to him, I just don't know how to explain it so that he will understand. I'm still working through my own religious issues, so I'm not comfortable with something pat like "she's going to heaven" or something like that... but obviously I need to figure out something pretty simple that won't scare him (ie- no "it's like sleeping" because that freaked me out when I was a kid- I thought I might not wake up again).