I think I'm going to make an appointment with my midwives when they open on Monday after the holiday weekend.
This has been going on for a long time. My last pregnancy was extremely difficult. I spent five months on bed rest and by the end of that time, I was very depressed. At first after our son was born, I thought things were better. I think I was in some sense. He was in the NICU for a month and during that time, I did everything I could to help him. Helping him kept me going.
It wasn't until he was home from the hospital that things got more difficult for me. January and February last year, when our son was newly home from the hospital, were very dark. I don't really remember most of that time. I think I was very numb. In the spring, I began exercising more and really recovering from the pregnancy. I knew I was at least "at risk" for depression, so I was doing everything I could to take care of myself. Although I had some hard days, I generally felt pretty good through July.
Near the end of July, we had a situation in our church that has been incredibly painful. I don't want to get into the details of what happened, but the end result was that we were isolated, hurt, confused. We thought the situation would be resolved quickly, but six months later it is still a mess.
I guess I felt like I was handling things well enough up to that point, but since then the bad days our outnumbering the good. I'm just soooo tired of the intrusive thoughts. Although I've never done anything to hurt myself or the kids, I'm so tired of fighting thoughts about this.
Two weeks ago our baby's hand was crushed in a door. He nearly lost a finger. He was in the hospital, had surgery, was in a cast for 10 days and now he's recovering. His finger will never be the same. They said it will take at least 18 months to look more normal. This has sort of pushed me over the edge. Somehow this has brought back everything from last year. All the fear and anxiety of having a baby in the hospital, the pain of watching a 3 pound baby struggle to breathe.
When I think about it that way, I guess it makes sense why this is so hard right now. The finger thing has brought back everything that was so hard about last year and I feel like maybe I'm dealing with many of that mess of emotions for the first time.
I am honestly really scared of having a "diagnoses" of PPD. Because my pregnancies are crazy, we should not get pregnant again. But it's been so hard to make the decision to do something permanent for birth control. We really want to adopt, but I am really, really afraid I won't be able to adopt if I've had PPD.
I think our marriage is going to be okay. I hope my husband can stick with me through this. I've said some terrible things to him, but when I'm in my right mind, I don't mean what I've said...I apologize but I think he's pretty confused.
And I worry about the impact of all of this on the children...