5 yo acting out when shy...

[boysmom2]

My DS2 just turned 5. He is a sweet, bright, wonderful, wild boy. With us or other people with whom he's comfortable he acts like himself. But, when he's around strangers or other adults who he knows, but not well, he acts totally inappropriately. He'll shriek, make disgusting noises, show off his underwear, talk about pee and poop, try to punch people (sometimes it's the unfamiliar adult, sometimes it's me), or sometimes he'll just act really "bratty" towards me - scratching me, pulling my hair, calling me names, etc. As soon as I remove him from the situation, he's his normal self again and will very lucidly agree with me that he should not act this way. Because I know he is likely to act this way, I always talk with him before we go into a situation like this. I'll remind him that it's ok to feel shy and that if he doesn't want to talk to anyone he doesn't have to. I tell him that he may not hit, etc., but that it is ok to quietly ignore people. Obviously I'd rather he'd politely interact with people and not ignore them, but right now I'll take what I can get!

So, any ideas? It's so embarrassing when my sweet grandmother wants to show off her great-grandsons to her friends or one of our neighbors stops by and he acts like a monster, especially because he isn't really like that!

[boysmom2]

Nobody? I guess it's nice to know I'm not the only one at a loss with what to do with this boy!

[PaisleyStar]

My 4 y/o is similar. He will act REALLY weird if he's uncomfortable. Like running up to strangers and babbling baby talk and then running away in a funny duck run. It cracks me up just to type this. OOhhhh the talks we've had.

I don't know of any good solutions except talking beforehand, and possibly pulling aside/talking during the actions to remind him a more appropriet way to act.

[Dukey25]

My DD is the same way! She will harass her brother, scream but completely unreasonable, ask for things she know she can't have etc. I have found that it is because she feels anxious and does not know how to deal with that feeling and so she acts out to try and calm herself. I have no magic cure but I have found that brainstorming what to do when you feel that way has helped. We try to talk a lot about feelings and how to say in words what you feel and then I try to help her manage those feelings in appropriate ways. My mom has given up trying to show off my DD I worry about kindergarten and how she will behave with the stress of change and a group of kids.

[Tjej]

Does it help to hold him on your lap? That is the best idea I can come up with. My DD just doesn't talk or talks baby talk when she is uncomfortable.

Tjej

[boysmom2]

Oh my gosh! I can't believe I haven't responded to this! We've been dealing with the flu here, so I guess I kind of forgot. Thanks everybody for sharing your ideas!

Originally Posted by PaisleyStar

My 4 y/o is similar. He will act REALLY weird if he's uncomfortable. Like running up to strangers and babbling baby talk and then running away in a funny duck run. It cracks me up just to type this. OOhhhh the talks we've had.

I don't know of any good solutions except talking beforehand, and possibly pulling aside/talking during the actions to remind him a more appropriet way to act.

I'm so glad to know he's not the only kiddo who does this! I will keep talking with him about it - hopefully it will sink in eventually!

Originally Posted by Dukey25

My DD is the same way! She will harass her brother, scream but completely unreasonable, ask for things she know she can't have etc. I have found that it is because she feels anxious and does not know how to deal with that feeling and so she acts out to try and calm herself. I have no magic cure but I have found that brainstorming what to do when you feel that way has helped. We try to talk a lot about feelings and how to say in words what you feel and then I try to help her manage those feelings in appropriate ways. My mom has given up trying to show off my DD I worry about kindergarten and how she will behave with the stress of change and a group of kids.

I like the idea of involing him in brainstorming ideas. So far it's mostly been me yammering on about appropriate behavior.

Originally Posted by Tjej

Does it help to hold him on your lap? That is the best idea I can come up with. My DD just doesn't talk or talks baby talk when she is uncomfortable.

Tjej

If I try to hold him or physically prevent him from acting this way it actually makes it worse. It just makes it so hard to deal with. Sometimes we can just leave the situation, but other times I can't.

[Alvenchrst]

My 6 year old is like this. Anytime we go places, parties, lots of people, church, kids come to our house, relatives visit, he acts out big time. Even on weekends when daddy's home he acts out a little more. But at home, with just mom and brothers around and our routine, he's an angel.

I have no advice, I'm just as lost, nice to know I'm not the only one though!!!

[Mountaingirl79]

My oldest was like this when he was younger. He's a talker by nature, but I had to have many talks with him about appropriate conversation with elders. Not that he would be rude, he would just be kinda loud and overly talkative and oddly making noises and dances. Its hard to explain, but he was just feeling uncomfortable/shy.
He grew out of it and is now a "'cool big kid" at age 9 who makes fun of his younger brother.

[boysmom2]

Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79

My oldest was like this when he was younger. He's a talker by nature, but I had to have many talks with him about appropriate conversation with elders. Not that he would be rude, he would just be kinda loud and overly talkative and oddly making noises and dances. Its hard to explain, but he was just feeling uncomfortable/shy.
He grew out of it and is now a "'cool big kid" at age 9 who makes fun of his younger brother.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that yours outgrew it! There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

[skreader]

Originally Posted by boysmom2

Because I know he is likely to act this way, I always talk with him before we go into a situation like this. I'll remind him that it's ok to feel shy and that if he doesn't want to talk to anyone he doesn't have to. I tell him that he may not hit, etc., but that it is ok to quietly ignore people. Obviously I'd rather he'd politely interact with people and not ignore them, but right now I'll take what I can get!

So, any ideas?

In your post, I notice you've told him what not to do, and how he doesn't have to do XYZ.

Have you explicitly told him what he's supposed to do?

Have you explained, "When you meet someone new, you look in their eyes and smile and say hello. Offering your hand to shake is also nice."

And then, practice, practice, practice (role-play).

Have you explained clearly - "People don't want to hear you talk about pee and poo, but if you talk about your dog/cat/legos/non-disgusting thing of your choice they will enjoy it".

Or, suggest a topic if he looks like he's about to get into something rude.

And then, practice, practice, practice (role play).

I think much of social interaction is like a play and helping kids by explaining the "script" and rehearsing can help.

Good luck.

[boysmom2]

skreader, thanks for all the ideas. I have tried giving him ideas, but I could probably do more. Thanks for the reminder!