Feeling like I'm a failure...

[Channelle]

*After reading this to myself, I decided to cross post this in the PPD thread too, I feel maybe I'm a bit depressed?*

I know I'm not a failure...but I still feel like I am! My baby is 6 days old, and I we can't latch. I know 6 days is really young, and I know we just have to practice and work on our coordination...I KNOW all this, but...I still feel this way! I had a traumatic birth where the birth plan flew right out the window, and had (what I felt like kind of forced) pitocin, epidural, and 30+ hour labor, and a 2 1/2 hour long pushing session, also had a bad time after birth, as it was a never ending supply of people visiting, except at night when I was completely on my own, bewildered with a screaming newborn. I didn't get even an hour of sleep until 3 days postpartum! She also was jaundiced, the worst of it hitting on day 3-4 when she was so lethargic and out of it, I couldn't even get her to rouse enough feed at all for like 8 straight hours! I was told that she was just really lazy and didn't want to put in the effort to nurse, and that after initial latch she was just to lazy to put in the work for me to produce anything...

We do great when we are in the lactation consult, but at home we both end up in tears. The consultant said she had a high palate and showed me how to use a breast shield today, and I felt so happy and confident when she latched on right away...but tonight...

We just both ended up crying while I caved in and gave her a bottle. I'm pumping my breast milk for her, and I have great supply so I haven't had to supplement with formula since my milk came in. But tonight I felt like I was too anxious or something, because after we were done trying, on the pump my milk would flow beautifully, but when she tried to latch before that, I couldn't even express any milk inside the shield! And then my dh tried to help by warming up a large bottle of pumped milk and accidently burned it all, 5 ozs! I just dissolved into tears and have been a wreck ever since! I've come to absolutely dread even trying to get her to latch, it always ends up with me crying! I feel like I should be able to do this, and when a professional helps I do great, but once on my own, nothing! I want to be able to just nurse her! Not have to wake up and set the pump up, but just to grab my sweet girl and nurse her!

This is starting to affect everything too! I feel like I can't have skin-to-skin bonding with her or just aren't doing it enough, I'm anxious about everything, from worrying that she will stop breathing in the middle of the night, not bonding with her, if she's too warm or too cold, I get panicked when we leave the house, that I'm doing something wrong, I'm even panicked that she will grow up! I just want to hold her and love her, but I feel like it makes me anxious now too just like trying to nurse her does! I feel like I'm doing a horrible job! My house is a wreck, the laundry really needs done, we have no clean dishes, I'm starting to not eat good enough...

Any advice, tips, encouragement? I desperately want to nurse my baby!

[Carlyle]

It's SO overwhelming at first. Everything about a newborn is overwhelming. I had a hard labor (sounded a lot like yours), and I forgot that at the end of the marathon I didn't get to rest for a week...I got a crying baby to live with. And I loved her OVERWHELMINGLY, but it was a shocker. I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed right now and I don't have tons of suggestions, but wanted to send hugs.

Do you have friends who can help by bringing you meals? Helping around the house? Can you ask your dh/dp to help you more in those areas--cleaning/cooking (although burning 5 oz of milk...I would have cried about that too, what a bummer)? Can you get the lactation consultant to come more frequently? Do you have your placenta? I've read that eating your placenta (sorry, gross I know) can help with ppd and evening out your hormones--even if you just pop a couple of bits in with a strawberry smoothie and blend it up...

Good luck, I'm sorry it's so stressful right now! You're doing a GREAT JOB!

[FrugalGranolaMom]

Hang in there
I had a long traumatic labor that ended in a c-section, so I was unable to do pretty much anything around the house. I was lucky enough to have DH at home for the first 3 weeks and my MIL and mother were a big help as well. If you have family and friends close by, ask for help. You're a new mom and you can't do it all by yourself. Having a newborn is an extremely overwhelming experience. I had a hard time too at first with nursing but we kept at it and it eventually got easier. At least you have a great supply to be able to pump and bottle feed your LO. Next time you try to nurse relax and try to let go of any anxiety, try to stay calm even though it can be frustrating. If it doesn't work that time give a bottle and try again. It will get better.

[Channelle]

This morning I woke up and feel like I've lost my supply, I can pump some, but can't hand express at all, and I relied on hand expressing to help me try to nurse her (filled the breast shield with milk to get her some immediate satisfaction)...

Maybe I'm pumping wrong? No one actually gave me instructions, I have been trying to pump every time after she takes a bottle, but I feel like I must either be doing it too often or not often enough, as I'm not even leaking anymore!

[FrugalGranolaMom]

Are you using an electric pump or a manual? Sometimes I have better luck with my manual pump. Also have you tried taking a warm shower or putting a warm towel on your breasts? That helped me out a few times when I was having trouble with letdown. Your breastmilk works on the supply and demand method so your body will adjust to how much milk is actually being removed which could explain why you aren't leaking anymore.

[4myfinn]

My son also had jaundice and we had extreme nipple confusion at the beginning. We tried with a nipple shield at first, but then I realized it was doing more harm than good and dropped it (against the advice of the LC and my pediatrician). I just knew in my heart that the only way I'd minimize his confusion was to drop as many nipples as possible. I dropped the nipple shield and pacifier (which the nurses were giving him while under the lights) and made sure he only had the bottle from my pumped milk or my breast. I was using Breastflow bottles by The First Years that are supposed to mimic natural let down. We just kept trying and trying. If the latch didn't work I'd pump and give it to him. Eventually he started latching on. By about 2 weeks he was EBF and still is at 3 and 1/2 months. I haven't had to pump in months.

My SIL had to keep at it for weeks because her LO had a lazy suck and didn't start latching on until 9 weeks, but then she was able to EBF just fine.

Just know that what you're feeling is totally normal too. I just cried and cried when they told me he had jaundice and we had to start pumping and supplementing with formula (which we only did for a few days). I felt like such a failure. So sorry you're going through this too.

[hollytheteacher]

Originally Posted by Channelle

This morning I woke up and feel like I've lost my supply, I can pump some, but can't hand express at all, and I relied on hand expressing to help me try to nurse her (filled the breast shield with milk to get her some immediate satisfaction)...

Maybe I'm pumping wrong? No one actually gave me instructions, I have been trying to pump every time after she takes a bottle, but I feel like I must either be doing it too often or not often enough, as I'm not even leaking anymore!

How often are you pumping? When my ds was in the hospital for heart surgery I pumped every 2 to 3 hours to keep up my supply. (at night too although i might have stretched it to 4...can't remember now.

[sahmmie]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had the same experience with my firstborn. The delivery was fine (fast and furious) but she had some breathing difficulties and had to be on oxygen for six hours, then she developed Group B strept and had to be put on an IV. The stupid saline solution interfered with her appetite and she had a lousy latch anyway. I sought help from the lactation specialist at the hospital but nothing I did would get my baby to latch. I ended up pumping and feeding which is so hard. I tried desperately to nurse her for three weeks and I remember the same feeling of dread that you describe because every feeding (or attempt) ended up with both of us crying.

I know what you are going through and I hope you can find some help. If I had to do it all over again I would have found another lactation specialist even if I had to drive 100 miles (I live in a small town). I can tell you that to this day (she's 8 now!) I still feel sad that I couldn't nurse her. Also, my second only nursed for two months because she developed severe reflux and refused to nursed anymore, and my third never nursed due to a high palate, poor latch, and severe reflux. (I had to pump and feed all three). Also I have very flat nipples which makes latching difficult. Could this be part of the problem for you? If so, sometimes nipple shells (by Medela) can help. You wear them 24/7 (except when nursing or pumping).

The way you are feeling is perfectly natural. When nursing doesn't work a mother grieves that loss. Just know that it is still very early and you still have a good chance of getting her to latch and nurse. I'd try to find a good lactation consultant to help you, and pump at least every two hours to keep your supply up until she is nursing well. Also, pump for 2-5 minutes after the flow stops because you will often get a second let down that you wouldn't have gotten if you stopped right away.

Good luck. I wish you the best.

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

I had a horrible bf'ing experience with DS1. I had no support whatsoever and felt defeated when I would try to nurse and he wouldn't latch. I had no idea about nipple shields or LC's even. I exclusively pumped for 3 mos. and I at that point I had a DH, MIL, and ped putting pressure on me to stop and go full on ff. I was young and caved. I believed from what they told me that I was starving him. It was a really dark time in what should have been a joyful time.

DS2 has been night and day from DS1's nursing experience. My mom and sister stayed with us for the first 2 weeks and tended to everything so all I had to do was eat, drink, and nurse. Having that help was amazing and contributed hugely to being successful at breastfeeding. Do you have any outside help?

Also, we've found that if DS2 takes ebm from a bottle, warming it in a cup of water is the way to go.

[lovinmy3boys]

My son also wouldn't latch very well in the beginning and it was HORRIBLE! I felt like a failure and that I would end up formula feeding. Thank god that about 10 days after he was born we both got it. If you get upset and tense he/she will feel that and respond the same way. For 10 days it took 45 min to a hour for my son to latch every feeding! I was emotionally and physically drained! I kept with it and that is what you have to do. I had no help from LC or family. It was my first time BF and I know your struggle. Please know you are strong enough to do it and to keep going. I pray that you feel better very soon

[Biscuits & Gravy]

It took almost 7 weeks for my first DS to finally latch on and nurse correctly. It was absolute hell, and I know how you feel. My mom gave me the very best advice. She said "Just take it one feeding at a time." I followed her advice and got through each one. Sometimes it was better than the previous one, sometimes it was worse. But gradually it got better and then one day it kept getting better and better and never got worse. He nursed for over 2 years!

It will get better. Housework can wait. Call in any offers for help that have been extended to you. If someone in your life offered to help you out, take them up on it. Ask them to bring food, do a load of laundry, run the vacuum, load the dishwasher, or even sit with your baby while you take a shower. I think as first time moms we don't ask for help like that although we desperately need it.

Lots of hugs to you. You are doing great.

[MrsH]

You are working so hard, and that in itself makes you not a failure! Good for you for reaching out, it's so hard when breastfeeding isn't going well. I also dreaded it in the early days. Her latch (or lack thereof) was just so darn painful, I really hated it. I kept telling myself, with thankfully lots of reiteration from my husband, that my job was to drink/eat enough and to sit and nurse my baby. No dishes, no cleaning the floors, no laundry. Send hubs out for a extra underwear, or better yet, use any leftover disposables from the hospital ;-) Really, just like when you were pregnant, you are the sole person providing the sustenance for this baby, and that is HARD work. By taking it one day at a time, we were able to get through those difficult, painful early weeks, and now that she's almost 8 months I'm SO thankful we were able to persevere. It's gotten so incredibly much easier, and now I even look forward to nursing her!

One other thing that hasn't been mentioned is dysphoric milk ejection reflex, where you feel really bad/anxious just before your letdown. Maybe read up on it and see if it sounds familiar? http://www.d-mer.org/

If not that, I'd check in with your midwife/ob to get some postpartum emotional support. Not because something sounds "wrong" with you, but because it's such a difficult time and those feelings of anxiety will go away much quicker with some support. All the best! It gets so much better!

[HollyBaby]

You sound a lot like me. My birth plan also went out he window mostly. She was still born at home, but not the calm birth I envisioned and had my heart set on. The malpresentation we dealt with is rare, and almost always results in a c-section.

Anyway your baby needs to learn to latch. My daughter and I went through the same thing. Still are a bit, and she's four weeks old. We had to use some formula until my breast pump arrived (Medela Advanced is a god-send), and I cried and cried and felt like I was failing. It helped a bit to know that at least her bottles were my milk. But it wasn't the same as nursing her directly.

She now latches onto the right side better, and still has some trouble with the left. A nipple shield has been helping her learn to latch into the left side better.

When you take your baby to nurse, what do you do? Do you just pull Baby toward you, or do you make sure her mouth is open wide? If you need to, pinch your areola to compress it, making it easier for her to take. Make sure her lips are outward, not wrapped back inward toward her gums. If she has them inward, ently reposition her lips. Don't just pull her away while she has suction since that can cause nipple damage. If necessary, get a nipple shield ($6 at Babies R Us), or pump milk so that you can supplement nursing with a bottle of breastmilk while you're still learning.

If you feel your supply is low, try Fenugreek, which comes in capules and tea, available at any itamin-type store.

[Sleepyheaded_Mama]

Originally Posted by MrsH

One other thing that hasn't been mentioned is dysphoric milk ejection reflex, where you feel really bad/anxious just before your letdown. Maybe read up on it and see if it sounds familiar? http://www.d-mer.org/

Ok, never heard of this before but I am 100% convinced I have it, which, oddly, is a relief because I had no idea what the deal was until reading this.

And also I wanted to reassure the OP that she is so normal for having these feelings, that she is doing a great job and to hang in there because eventually it gets better. With my 3rd baby his latch was HORRIBLE, I absolutely dreaded every single nursing session and sobbed thru every one of them because of the excruciating pain. My right nipple split and bled, even his spit up would have blood in it from drinking off that side. My whole body would tense up from the pain, then of course my milk couldn't let down while I was tensed up like that, so then he'd become more frantic, which made his latch worse, which made the pain worse. It was hell. Plus I was recovering from a cesarean, came home to no help and 2 older kids who still needed meals, clean clothes, baths, etc. It spun me into PPD, yet somehow we persevered and after 6 weeks we turned a corner and things gradually got easier.

With my newest baby, who will be 6 weeks tomorrow, we've had other struggles. He developed a severe case of thrush when he was only a week old (the entire inside of his mouth was white), so of course I got it in my nipples which there again causes extreme pain on nursing. The Nystatin they put him on didn't help either one of us (I was using it on my nips as well as treating his mouth), so after 10 days of that I started using gentian violet for 3 days, which helped some and then we both got on Diflucan which finally cleared it up. On top of that, he has reflux which caused him severe pain which made it difficult for him to nurse, he would pull off constantly and arch his back and scream and then desperately try to latch again, over and over = terrible nipple pain. Ended up putting him on Zantac twice daily and he has improved some. It's been a long road again, plus my recovery from the cesarean was much, much worse this time. Thank God my mom was here for a week after he was born, but then I was on my own with 3 older kids and a newborn.

It is so hard when things go wrong early on, when you are both at your most vulnerable. It doesn't seem fair at all, I mean after being pregnant all that time and then delivery, however it happens, shouldn't we be able to catch a break and just relax and enjoy our precious little bundles and let our bodies heal?!? Unfortunately some of us come out of all that and still face struggles and uphill battles and it isn't fair, but we are strong mama! Even as we break down sobbing and feel like we can't do this and sometimes we don't even want to do this, we find the will to go forward, some how, some way.

Six to eight weeks generally seems to be the point that things start to improve a bit. Hang in there mama! You are not a failure and you most certainly are not the only new mama to feel the way you are feeling right now.

[Faither]

I think this is the first time I'm replying to a message on here. I had my daughter on Dec 16th and feel pretty much the same as you. Nursing is difficult. I think we might have developed thrush (of course only on one side). Last night I was in tears and finally gave up and let DH give DD a bottle of formula. He wants me to make an appointment with an LC but I'm hesitant because she latches on great on the other side just not the side that's so painful for me. I have an OB appointment tommorrow so we'll see what she says.

My only advice is to hang in there and you're not alone.