My 13-Year Old Daughter and "Boyfriend"

[PundaSmith]

Hello -- happy new year to you all. This is a great group, and I hope to be able to learn and contribute to discussions here. Now a question:

I am a "single-father" raising two kids - a girl 13.5 (in grade 8) and a boy, 12yrs(in grade 6) alone.

My daughter has become so interested in boys, and seems to think that it is necessary for her to have a boyfriend. I have told her that a boyfriend is not necessary at this stage, but she still believes that she needs to have one. For the past two years, she has told me she is in love with about 3 different guys. My daughter and her younger brother spend most times with me, hence I am not sure if she ever met any of these guys more than once - though I believe they communicate by electronic (facebook, IM chats) and other means (excluding face-to-face contact).

I am concerned, and thought I would come here for some advice about how to handle this. She is an "A" student, and I would rather she remains that way.

I am not sure what to do -- I don't know whether I am probably one of the "old school" folks who have a different understanding of this new-age boyfriend phenomena. I want to maintain an open communication with her, even though she knows I am opposed to her having these "boyfriends". How should I handle this stage - i know either choice: total permissiveness vrs total strictness is probably not a good idea. I would therefore appreciate any thoughts from mothers and fathers with similar/related experiences?

thanks - Punda

[Oriole]

Hi there,
We have a 16 y.o. over here, and when you figure out what works, please come back and let us know.

It's all trial and error over here. On one hand, DSD and I have good enough communication for her to share quite a few details about her relationships with me and her dad. On another hand, I do think that things developed too fast with her first boyfriend, and (hind sight 20/20, right?) more strict approach would have set a better precedent.

Either way... DSD is allowed to date. She will not be going over her bf's house if she has one, but he is welcome to come over during reasonable hours. We've had a total of three bfs at this house, and one questionable "friend". They stay in the living room, watch movies, play board games, etc. She did go out to the movies a couple of times, and went walking around the mall.

She was 15 when she got her first real boyfriend. That lasted for 6 months, and there were a few non-serious ones since then. Nothing right now. It's very scary and emotionally draining to watch them pick the wrong guy, and pray that they learn from their mistakes. The rules are what they are: if there is an interest, she will have to invite the guy over our place.

DP and I try to talk to her about relationships without criticizing her choice too much, but at the same time talking about self-respect, physical aspects of the relationships, developing emotional bond with someone, recognizing when someone does or doesn't have your best interest at heart, etc.

Good luck. We are in the same boat!

[amnesiac]

My boys are 14 & are in that stage. For the most part though, having a girlfriend really just means they have a special girl they talk to at school or text message but they don't generally actually date. If they do get together then it's usually as a part of a group activity with several other kids. And the girls tend to get tired of boys pretty quickly around here so it doesn't usually last very long.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by amnesiac

For the most part though, having a girlfriend really just means they have a special girl they talk to at school or text message but they don't generally actually date.

at my DD's school, they declare themselves "dating at school," which means that it is official that they like each other but doesn't involve getting together outside of school at all. (i don't get it)

There's really no point in making it against your rules. One of my DD's BFs isn't allowed to have a boyfriend, but she does. Everyone knows it except her mother. The only thing that mom has done is insured that her DD will not be honest with her.

However, if your DD believes she *needs* a boyfriend, I'd be a bit worried about her overall emotional health and sense of self. Is it possible for her to talk to some one? A trusted woman friend, the school social worker, a private counselor, etc.? That belief isn't one that will help her have a happy life.

i know either choice: total permissiveness vrs total strictness is probably not a good idea.

I think there is a middle path with boundaries and guidelines but respect and realism.

[Tjej]

My kids aren't this old yet, so take my advice as you wish .

Facebook and IMing and whatnot would be best to have access to - do you have her passwords? Would she be willing to share them with you? Would you share yours with her? There are all sorts of people out there, and having access to your daughters online stuff is a really good idea.

I read some terribly scary books about kids and what they do now at parties (they were recommended here on MDC, but I can't remember titles - someone may chime in). Hold onto your kids is one that I remember that was very good. Another one scared the pants off me - they do all sorts of physical things at really young ages now at parties because they don't see sex as being tied to a relationship the way earlier generations generally did. The book suggested having the rule of no parties for a girl where someone is more than 3 years older than her.

Ok, so back to your daughter. Some girls are really interested in boys and some aren't. If you want to discourage it, be your daughter's best man. Lavish on the love and affection, give her the attention and time. She'll be so busy with you that she won't have time for some kid. Find a good hobby that she can focus on and feel really good about. Does she like animals? Volunteer at the Humane Society. You get the idea.

HTH

Tjej

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Tjej

Facebook and IMing and whatnot would be best to have access to - do you have her passwords? Would she be willing to share them with you? Would you share yours with her? There are all sorts of people out there, and having access to your daughters online stuff is a really good idea.

I disagree. Going through other people's communications is like listening to their phone calls or reading their mail or their diary. Lots of parents do it, but I feel that it is VERY disrespectful.

It's one thing to have your own Facebook account and friend your child, it's very different to have their password.

I read some terribly scary books about kids and what they do now at parties ... they do all sorts of physical things at really young ages now at parties because they don't see sex as being tied to a relationship the way earlier generations generally did.

I'm sure that there is some truth to what those sorts of books say, but I don't think they paint a realistic picture of what my kids and their friends are up to. I've no idea what % of kids are out of control compared to the % that are busy reading vampire novels, but if you know your own child, it really doesn't matter what the other kids are up to.

If you want to discourage it, be your daughter's best man. Lavish on the love and affection, give her the attention and time. She'll be so busy with you that she won't have time for some kid. Find a good hobby that she can focus on and feel really good about. Does she like animals? Volunteer at the Humane Society.

I thinks it's a great idea for dad and DD to have a hobby or do some volunteer work together, not just to keep DD busy but also so she can find her passion in life (other than boys). However, I don't think that "keeping her so busy she doesn't have time for some kid" is realistic or healthy. The goal, IMHO, should be balance. She's going to like boys, but it would be nice if her entire world and feelings of self worth didn't revolve around it.

[chinaKat]

My kids aren't quite old enough to have FB accounts yet, but when they do I will feel perfectly comfortable setting firm rules about online interpersonal behavior, and saying "You may have an account, but we will share passwords and you should know that anything you say on there, I may read. I might not necessarily read it, but you should act as if I am reading everything you write, and gauge your online behavior accordingly. If you earn my trust by following my rules, I will give you more freedom online. If you betray my trust, the consequences will include losing your online privileges."

[Kailey's mom]

Well, I know how "innocent" I was at 13 so with that being said; if my daughter was talking to boys via internet; BYE BYE COMPUTER/CELL PHONES/ETC. I can say that now though, my dd is only 3

[choli]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

Well, I know how "innocent" I was at 13 so with that being said; if my daughter was talking to boys via internet; BYE BYE COMPUTER/CELL PHONES/ETC. I can say that now though, my dd is only 3

Seriously?

You think that a 13 yr old should be prevented from talking to 50% of the population?

What if your daughter is gay? She can't talk to anyone?

[Tjej]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I disagree. Going through other people's communications is like listening to their phone calls or reading their mail or their diary. Lots of parents do it, but I feel that it is VERY disrespectful.

It's one thing to have your own Facebook account and friend your child, it's very different to have their password.

I agree that sneaking and doing it would be disrespectful. I think that doing it openly is not disrespectful, it is prudent. Part of why I suggested sharing his own passwords with his DD was that it would be a mutual way they could keep eachother accountable.

Tjej

[Crispie]

When my boys got interested in girls a few years back (5th grade and up) I started asking the question "what does having a girlfriend mean (as in what do you do/don't do how is that person treated differently than anyone else etc)?"

Usually the answer to that question makes me lose concern and opens up a conversation where I get to add my input. They may seem uninterested at times during these chats, but I know they take notes because inevitably they follow my input. At least...in this department (so far).

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by chinaKat

If you earn my trust by following my rules, I will give you more freedom online. If you betray my trust, the consequences will include losing your online privileges."

By the time my kids were old enough for such accounts, they had already earned my trust over and over in all sorts of other ways.

Dh and I have been very frank with them about how and why to stay safe. To me, asking for a teen's password just tells them that you, the person who knows them best, thinks they are an untrustworthy idiot who doesn't deserve to be treated with respect. That's not a message I want to give my DDs.

[Kailey's mom]

Originally Posted by choli

Seriously?

You think that a 13 yr old should be prevented from talking to 50% of the population?

What if your daughter is gay? She can't talk to anyone?

Well, First off, the title of this thread is: My 13-Year Old Daughter and "Boyfriend. I'm assuming that the 13yr old is not gay Secondly, I'm SURE the 13yr old could see people of the opposite sex IN REAL LIFE. Everything is not on the computer. I would rather my child be hanging out with a boy in the neighborhood talking, than talking online to a 59yr old sexual preditor who is on the verge of getting our address. and third.. you don't have to be snarky, jeez.. I also said " I can say this now though, my dd is only 3.. duh, I'm not there yet" LOL

[choli]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

Well, First off, the title of this thread is: My 13-Year Old Daughter and "Boyfriend. I'm assuming that the 13yr old is not gay Secondly, I'm SURE the 13yr old could see people of the opposite sex IN REAL LIFE. Everything is not on the computer. I would rather my child be hanging out with a boy in the neighborhood talking, than talking online to a 59yr old sexual preditor who is on the verge of getting our address. and third.. you don't have to be snarky, jeez.. I also said " I can say this now though, my dd is only 3.. duh, I'm not there yet" LOL

Sorry if I came off snarky! I AM there now,with a 13 yr old and and almost 16 yr old...fun fun fun

Already went through the first broken heart, no doubt more to follow.

[karne]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

Well, I know how "innocent" I was at 13 so with that being said; if my daughter was talking to boys via internet; BYE BYE COMPUTER/CELL PHONES/ETC. I can say that now though, my dd is only 3

I couldn't disagree more. Kids will go around the doors you close. I am personally striving for a more open and respectful relationship with my kids, and hopefully that will serve as a model for their own relationships. I don't have a road map as I wasn't raised that way, so I'm bound to be making lots of mistakes, but still....

[Kailey's mom]

Originally Posted by choli

Sorry if I came off snarky! I AM there now,with a 13 yr old and and almost 16 yr old...fun fun fun

Already went through the first broken heart, no doubt more to follow.

awww, first broken heart.. no fun My first broken heart hurt for over a year.. so bad. Everyone said "there are more fish in the sea etc" and I would get so upset. I hope time goes by S.L.O.W.L.Y. I need time to prepare

[choli]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

awww, first broken heart.. no fun My first broken heart hurt for over a year.. so bad. Everyone said "there are more fish in the sea etc" and I would get so upset. I hope time goes by S.L.O.W.L.Y. I need time to prepare

I know. It's so hard to balance between "You WILL get over it" and remembering the intensity of my own feelings at that age...added to which, he was a jerk and it hurts to see you own DD hurting over a kid not worth hurting over...

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by Crispie

When my boys got interested in girls a few years back (5th grade and up) I started asking the question "what does having a girlfriend mean (as in what do you do/don't do how is that person treated differently than anyone else etc)?"

Usually the answer to that question makes me lose concern and opens up a conversation where I get to add my input.

This is what we have done so far (of course, DD is only in 6th grade so there hasn't been too much "so far" ). I have no problem with DD having a "boyfriend" or a "crush" because, IMO, what they are doing in that context is totally age appropirate and healthy. In fact, I like it because DD has been having "crushes" on boys since 3rd grade and she has really come to some interesting (and I think good) long term conclusions about what she likes in a boy she likes (how they do in school, how they treat her and others, etc...)

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by karne

I couldn't disagree more. Kids will go around the doors you close. I am personally striving for a more open and respectful relationship with my kids, and hopefully that will serve as a model for their own relationships. I don't have a road map as I wasn't raised that way, so I'm bound to be making lots of mistakes, but still....

This is sooo true. The parents who try to control everything about their kids just end with kids who lie to them.

It was true when I was a teen, and it's still true with my DDs' friends.

There are a lot of fun and goofy games on Facebook that my DDs enjoy playing with each other and with their friends from school. People used to go off on how unsafe the entire internet was, but now that negativity is just focused on Facebook.

[Kailey's mom]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

This is sooo true. The parents who try to control everything about their kids just end with kids who lie to them.

It was true when I was a teen, and it's still true with my DDs' friends.

There are a lot of fun and goofy games on Facebook that my DDs enjoy playing with each other and with their friends from school. People used to go off on how unsafe the entire internet was, but now that negativity is just focused on Facebook.

You have a point, I love farmville; mafia wars, and all the goofy quiz's. BTW, I'm just lurking here, I always just hit "new posts" but it's interesting and has given me something so think about for when my dd is older. And ya'll are right, if you block communication, or say no.. at least for me when I was a teen, I would have found a way to do it regardless. It's just a scary reality; I mean I can't imagine my baby girl even wanting to be away from me.. let alone, wanting to date.. AHHHHH!!!