My 13-Year Old Daughter and "Boyfriend" - Page 2

[mtiger]

I have my kids' passwords - have done since they became active online. They know that it is a way for me to help make sure they stay safe - I don't abuse my knowledge and have checked their email, etc. accounts maybe a handful of times over the years. No, they do not have my passwords. I'm the adult in the house. It's not their job to check up on me.

Having said that... both of mine are active online and on social networking sites. Yes, I'm friended on them. No, I don't interfere, unless I see something that could cause them trouble (I think once).

If this girl is 13 1/2, and has been active online (including FB) for 2 1/2 years - I have to wonder if OP knows the age restrictions on these social networking sites? I think they have to be 14 to register. So... what's she doing on them?

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

It's just a scary reality; I mean I can't imagine my baby girl even wanting to be away from me.. let alone, wanting to date.. AHHHHH!!!

One of my very ap friends with DDs in high school said that when it happens, it's really quite sweet. The boys her DDs like tend to be good kids.

In a relationship, people are drawn to what feels comfortable, so teens who've been treated with respect feel most comfortable dating people who treat them with respect. Teens who'se parents are controling either want to control the people they date or feel most comfortable dating people who try to control them. It's why family pattern play out over and over. Kids who are treated well at home tend to date people who treat them well.

However, there is a big difference between "dating" and "having a boyfriend." In middle school, the kids don't actually date, but they do like each other and fall in and out of relationships fairly easily. It just doesn't involved going anywhere or ever being alone. It's the next step up from the "I like you. Do you like me. Please check one YES NO" notes from first grade.

Yet, my DDs have friends who are already keeping secrets from their mothers. One of DDs friends first boyfriend broke up with her and she was sooo sad, and I felt sad knowing she was going home to a house where she can't tell her mother why she is sad.

It isn't a choice whether or not our kids will be in relationship, but we have a choice whether or not we are someone they can be honest with. That's totally up to us.

[jdcmom]

My son is 13 and I have his Face book password. It was the only way I would let him get one. When he's older...like 16 or so...then he can change the password and keep it private. I also have a Face book account and am friends with my son on-line. I don't go on his account very often. I did check what some of his friends were posting when he first got his account but I don't do that much anymore. I found that the postings are innocent. Sometimes, I log on for a brief moment to send myself a gift in farmville or one of those other applications.

[journeymom]

Hey Punda, I'll just reiterate what someone else suggested, because I think it's worth repeating: ask her what she thinks having a 'boyfriend' means. It's worth it to at least get a better understanding of what's in her mind. It might not be as intense or as involved as you are fearing.

[JellyMomma]

I wouldn't make it in to something that's forbidden. My 12 y.o. dd has been boy crazy since she was 5. In our district, they start middle school in 5th grade and she couldn't wait because she thought everyone would be dating. Some were "dating" which meant one asked the other out and then they pretty much ignored each other, but maybe said "hi" on the playground. The point was that everyone knew they were "dating".

dd and her male friend started dating in 5th grade...she said the friendship became awkward after that and he broke up with her after a few weeks.

In 6th grade she again really wanted a boyfriend. A boy she barely knew asked her out and she said yes...and quickly learned that she didn't really like him. It was awkward and she ended up hurting his feelings.

In 7th grade she had a little crush on a boy and it was clearly reciprocal. He asked her out and then wanted to be by her side all day, every day...playground, cafeteria, in class, etc. She got tired of that very quickly--broke up with him (they're still friends) and now says she's done with boys until high school.

My point is that, had I followed my gut reaction and said "no dating!" she would have been sneaking around and/or angry at me for making her miss out on the experience. Instead she figured out on her own that she's too young for dating. It's hard but I think you need to listen to her as if what she's saying is perfectly sane Sometimes my dd will go on and on about a boy she barely knows--saying that she knows they have a future together. I remember being the same way when I was that age...

If your dd actually meets someone--if you've kept an open relationship she'll tell you about him--you can invite him over, take them to the mall, etc.

I don't know why some girls are so boy crazy--I always blamed it on the fact that my dd doesn't have any father figure in her life--good to know that's certainly not the case with your dd.

[karne]

Originally Posted by JellyMomma

I wouldn't make it in to something that's forbidden. My 12 y.o. dd has been boy crazy since she was 5. In our district, they start middle school in 5th grade and she couldn't wait because she thought everyone would be dating. Some were "dating" which meant one asked the other out and then they pretty much ignored each other, but maybe said "hi" on the playground. The point was that everyone knew they were "dating".

dd and her male friend started dating in 5th grade...she said the friendship became awkward after that and he broke up with her after a few weeks.

In 6th grade she again really wanted a boyfriend. A boy she barely knew asked her out and she said yes...and quickly learned that she didn't really like him. It was awkward and she ended up hurting his feelings.

In 7th grade she had a little crush on a boy and it was clearly reciprocal. He asked her out and then wanted to be by her side all day, every day...playground, cafeteria, in class, etc. She got tired of that very quickly--broke up with him (they're still friends) and now says she's done with boys until high school.

My point is that, had I followed my gut reaction and said "no dating!" she would have been sneaking around and/or angry at me for making her miss out on the experience. Instead she figured out on her own that she's too young for dating. It's hard but I think you need to listen to her as if what she's saying is perfectly sane Sometimes my dd will go on and on about a boy she barely knows--saying that she knows they have a future together. I remember being the same way when I was that age...

If your dd actually meets someone--if you've kept an open relationship she'll tell you about him--you can invite him over, take them to the mall, etc.

I don't know why some girls are so boy crazy--I always blamed it on the fact that my dd doesn't have any father figure in her life--good to know that's certainly not the case with your dd.

Thank you for sharing this. We're on the cusp of interested, but not much beyond that w/our pre-teen. It all feels pretty normal and safe, although certainly not every kid experiences this. But, I have been interested to see that a few of my dd's friend's parents are rabidly 'anti-boy" for their dd's, and I find it odd-not a choice we would make. Their kids are all about boys in places where their parents aren't, ie school, some social activities. I don't know-it seems not very open to me. We are aiming for healthier relationships, with good boundaries, but staying away from denying that kids do exhibit some interest in each other.

[WorldsBestMom]

I have a few more years to go before my DD becomes a teenager. Although we are very close I am enjoying her while I can.

[laughymama]

Originally Posted by journeymom

Hey Punda, I'll just reiterate what someone else suggested, because I think it's worth repeating: ask her what she thinks having a 'boyfriend' means. It's worth it to at least get a better understanding of what's in her mind. It might not be as intense or as involved as you are fearing.

This, most definitely. I don't have any teens or preteens but I had boyfriends when I was in junior high.

It consisted of IMing, phone calls and talking at school. Sometimes a note in the locker and holding hands in between classes. We hung out outside of school as well now and then but it was with a group of friends. Not really "dating". It was all quite innocent, honestly. I did kiss a couple of boys but it was never anything that was premature or should cause concern. A shy peck and then lots of gushing and giggling about it with girlfriends later on.