"secrets with grandma" Would this bother you?

[jammomma]

So my MIL started this little chattery "game" with my DS (6 mo.) when she visited over thanksgiving and she continues saying it to him over and over whenever we Skype with her. She says, "We've got a secret" etc...over and over and over. Not only repetative and annoying but worrisome.

It concerns me, because I don't want my DS to think it's ok to keep secrets from us and it sets up a precedent for secreet keeping for adults which can be really toxic and not to mention dangerous, if the "secret" involves abuse of some kind. I don't think she would ever abuse him, however.

I asked my husband why on earth his mom would keep saying this, and he had no idea.

And to boot, his stepfather kept saying, "ya I'm going to take you and your cousin to the beach and we won't tell your mom" over and over and over, while shaking his fists at my DS. (there is no way he will ever have any "alone time" with my son, nor will he ever take him anywhere without me knowing. Not sure why he kept saying that either)

So my DH agrees that we need to nip this in the bud,and he is going to talk to his mom about it and tell her in the nicest possible way to knock it off, but I am wondering if there is any chance I am overreacting? Would this bother you? Would you say anything? What would you say and why? If not, why not?

It makes me feel very uncomfortable when she says it and I trust my instincts that "keeping secrets with grandma" is just a bad idea, what do you think?

[April Dawn]

Your MIL and step-FIL honestly sound a little passive aggressive to me. Like they are "joking" about keeping things from you, but doing it in such a cutesy manner that if you complain, they will say "It was just a game, no big deal!" I think that behavior is weird and creepy, personally.

[Llyra]

I find out sometimes that my kids have little "secrets" between them and my mom-- usually involving junk food, actually, or staying up late. It doesn't bother me at all. But I think that's because I trust my mother's judgment implicitly-- she would never do anything that's actually HARMFUL. And part of a grandma's job is to bend the rules a little and allow little treats here and there. So I overlook stuff like popcorn for breakfast, or staying up late to go the Chinese buffet, in the name of their larger relationship with their grandma, which I think is extremely important.

I think the repetitive thing you're describing your MIL doing is weird, though. And I do think that at any point if something makes you uncomfortable, or doesn't seem right to you, you should by all means speak up about it, especially if there are other issues with family members, like a lack of trust or a history of disrespectful or abusive behavior.

What I tell my kids about secrets, once they're old enough to understand, is that there are different kinds of secrets-- ones that are silly and maybe a tiny bit naughty but don't really hurt anybody (like popcorn for breakfast or a 10 pm trip to the Chinese buffet) and ones that are about somebody being hurt or put in danger or made to feel very badly (like abuse, but also stuff like my idiot stepdad blowing off using DD1's booster seat in the car because he's decided she's too old for it.)

I have carefully explained to them on a dozen occasions that the one secret is okay, and fun, but the other kind isn't, and that if something seems really wrong to them, or seems like somebody's being hurt, that they should come and tell me right away, and that I promise not to be angry, but to listen carefully to what they say. I'll continue teaching all three of them this as they grow.

[meemee]

some people are like that. i have heard it before. they dont actually mean it but its fun for them to talk that way to a baby. from what you describe it seems in future these things will be small issues between your inlaws and you.

now about secrets. i think we make too much of it. that's just me though. teaching our children not to keep secrets has nothing to do with the word secret imho. the key is to make our children comfortable around us so that they dont want to keep any secrets. my dd is 7 years old and i have never talked about secrets to her. however she knows and she has - come to me in fear wondering how i would react at what she did.

being an abused child myself i would say a lot depends on the personality of the child. even then i knew how devastated my parents would be. i never told them a thing till much into my adult life.

i have heard many comments like your inlaws make from a certain generation of people. and from my experience there is much more to deal with them than what is going on now. i remember as a child there was more that kind of joking around baby a lot more. isnt there a song about it - something like if mama doesnt buy you a diamond ring ....

the key is both you and dh felt icky. you guys know your inlaws best. if my gfather/gmother spoke like that to my dd i would think nothing of it, because that was how they talked to babies. also i completely trust them.

[MommyKelly]

I agree with pp for weird and creepy.

I would put a stop to it now.

[jammomma]

Originally Posted by MommyKelly

I agree with pp for weird and creepy.

I would put a stop to it now.

That was exactly how I described it to my DH, my exact words were that it seemed weird and creepy, both the MIL and stepFIL, especially te stepFIL, he was just plain aggressive, who shakes their fists at a 5 month old baby?

But I can see other people's view too, that grandmas like to "spoil" the grandkids with popcorn for breakfast etc..and that the "secret" is probably just something like, he is grandma's special boy or something and I want them to have a special relationship, it's important.

Thanks for the opinions!

[BrittneyMarie]

thats really strange, but it depends on the person. if my mil did this id have a cow, because she loves to undermine my authority, so to speak. however, sometimes my mom looks at dd and says shes going to give her some applesauce (shes only 4 mo) when mom's not looking, and thats fine because i know shes joking. maybe this is a bad example since dd doesnt understand, but its more about the persons character, i guess. if i felt uncomfortable, id put an end to it immedittely

[limabean]

I think you could say something like, "I know you're just messing around, but it'll make things less confusing for him later when we have the good touch/bad touch talk if we avoid the 'secret' terminology from the get-go. How about using a word like 'surprise' instead, since that usually means it's something fun that's only a secret temporarily?"

[Tigerchild]

I like limabean's suggestion, wish I had thought of that when I had to put an end to my mother's behavior in that way.

I think the key is trust. I don't trust my parents not to take some things to unhealthy levels (they certainly didn't have the discipline not to do so in my childhood). So when they get cutesy, I'm probably more severe than I have to be, just because I have no trust. (even though, intellectually, I understand that probably they would not go there with my kids)

Dunno how old your ILs are, but they may not know that "adults and kids keeping secrets together" can be a euphanism for sexual abuse or potential and I would think they would probably WANT to know that! But, if you don't get dangerous or kidnapping vibes for the folks, then I would say they're being annoying. Some people just can't help it. So not sure what you can really do about that though I would definitely ask them to rephrase. I'm going to bet they'll probably be just as annoying talking about "surprises" but at least it doesn't have the implication that the previous phrase has.

[cappuccinosmom]

That sounds creepy.

I trust my parents, but one of the reasons I trust them is that they know better than to pull stuff like this.

[Theoretica]

I would look right at them and say "I'm really not comfortable with that joke for my kids. Thanks. (insert big cheesy distracting smile) Pass the bean dip" and move on. It sounds like the more you make it a struggle over who 'gets to' do what with the baby the more they'll dig in their heels. If you just kill the humor and deadpan your commentary it'll lose it's allure fast.

As for the secrets, when your child is old enough to play that sort of game, we started with explaining that mommy and daddy are THE WORLD'S AWESOMEST secret keepers, The rule here is that the word "secret" means either mommy or daddy needs to know, and Mommy and Daddy help KEEP secrets, not TELL them. It doesn't have to be both of us, but one of us is fine. Now that they are older they can tell anyone on their 'trusted grownup list' that we help them put together.

The trick is if you ever do get told a secret, you have to keep it a trusted thing between you and not overreact or flip out ESPECIALLY if it's something you don't want to hear. That's a fast way for them to NEVER tell you a secret again. If your reaction is always calm and welcoming, they won't hesitate to tell you or daddy (or whomever you trust) their secrets, most of which are adorable and harmless (even if it's mildly against your rules) but the key to us is setting the stage for them to trust us with the BIG stuff as they get older.

My 16yo teenager actually came to me yesterday, and say "Hey mom, Robert (a friend of his) wants me to help him find hot girls and follow them around, and he's talking about a lot of sex stuff that creeps me out, but he said if I don't he won't hang out with me anymore. What should I do?"

I really love that he trusts me enough to talk to me about that. I didn't tell him I was going to forbid their friendship, I didn't flip out and ask if he'd been doing it, we just talked about what possible solutions are, and he went to call Robert. I really believe it's b because we set the stage for 'secrets' early on.

Anyways /tangent...good luck mama

[AAK]

Honestly, the creepiest thing is that the dialog is happening with an infant. Sure, my kids have "secrets" with grandma. . .but I generally actually know what they are. My mom doesn't keep me in the dark, but it is a bit of a 'thrill' to have extra goodies with grandma or to stay of late when they sleep over and think that mom doesn't know. I like it because my kids don't ever try the argument "well you let us have that at Grandma's house". They know that it was a special day or what not. Recently though, my mom had a day with my second child and they made secrets. She helped my dd make gifts for us. So, clearly, it was a secret until opened. Additionally, the girls know that the secrets aren't bad things. They are just for fun.


Amy

[Storm Bride]

I've only read the OP.

It would bother me. It would bother me a lot. In fact, this would likely be a "no alone time with my child" issue for me...and I may not even allow unsupervised conversation.

However, in the interests of full disclosure, I had "secrets" with my grandmother. Secret 1 was that my grandfather was sexually abusing me (he never asked me to keep it secret as he was so brain damaged that he didn't even realize he was doing something wrong). Secret 2 was that I was allowed literally unlimited access to candy, cookies, fudgsicles/popsicles/creamsicles, pop, junk cereals, etc. while at her house. She trained me to eat sugar in response to emotional upset, which is something I struggle with to this day. She trained me to hide it, which is also something I struggle with to this day. She also caused serious damage to my sister's relationship with our mom. While I realize that not all grandparents are keeping secrets in the same way she did, the whole subject is a major trigger issue for me. Anyone who can't tell me what's going on between them and my children will not be around my children...period. I'm not the enemy, and I will not allow that kind of damage to my relationship with my kids.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by limabean

I think you could say something like, "I know you're just messing around, but it'll make things less confusing for him later when we have the good touch/bad touch talk if we avoid the 'secret' terminology from the get-go. How about using a word like 'surprise' instead, since that usually means it's something fun that's only a secret temporarily?"

Great idea. I do not think you're overreacting. That is creepy especially on the part of the stepgrandfather. And, even if they're not trying to be creeps, they're overstepping their role anyhow and YOU are the parent and there shouldn't be secrets kept from you.

[JL83]

This came up this Christmas in our house because we started buying Christmas presents really early and DD is 3 and old enough that she knew what was happening. We didn't want her to tell people what they were getting (mainly her cousins). DH started with "We can't tell them because it's a secret" but that felt icky to us.

We've settled on, for our family, "surprises" being OK because we're going to tell the person and there's a definite time limit on it. But "secrets" aren't OK.

I'd talk with you son and tell him that.

We've told DD that secrets aren't OK and if someone asks her to keep a secret she should tell us.

[seaheroine]

Originally Posted by AAK

Honestly, the creepiest thing is that the dialog is happening with an infant.

Uh, he's 6mo old! I would find anyone talking about secrets with my 6mo both inappropriate and disturbing. He's a baby -- what could there possibly be a "secret" about? It isn't about ice cream for breakfast or some other fun activity that Mom is "in" on...

Weird and creepy for certain. Hopefully your DH clears that up pronto.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by MommyKelly

I agree with pp for weird and creepy.

I would put a stop to it now.

This.

[GreenGranolaMama]

Originally Posted by AAK

Honestly, the creepiest thing is that the dialog is happening with an infant.

This is exactly what I was thinking... and I had to reread the OP just to make sure that it said 6mo and not 6yrs... Pretty sure none of our family members would ever do this. It makes it harder that it is your DHs family and not your own, I know i have an easier time talking to my Mom about things she does that bug me than I do my DHs Mom. Plus if it is giving you weird vibes, totally go with your instincts.

[cmhermes]

I agree with those who say it's creepy and disturbing that this talk is with an infant. Weird. My Mom let my daughter try coffee. She's 3. She told me about the secret with her Mom-Mom and my Mom got mad that she told me. I don't want secrets. I like the idea of surprises rather than secrets. As a survivor of child sex abuse by a family member. Secrets make me uneasy and I do not want my kids to keep things from me. I would tell them not to do it anymore that it makes you uncomfortable. Also keeping the lines of cimmunication open when he gets older so he can come to you with anything is key.

[Tamsin]

I think she is being passive agressive and manipulative. I think this will be the first of many issues with her unfortunately.
I'd nip it right in the bud. And dont let her make you feel belittled when you do. You are feeling uncomfortable about it for a reason and rightly so.