"secrets with grandma" Would this bother you? - Page 2

[MusicianDad]

I would put a stop to it until he can clearly understand good secrets and bad secrets. I'm of the mind set that people can share secrets with each other and the imortant part is understanding when a secret is dangerous to keep.

At 6 months old... It doesn't even make sense that she would be doing this though. Why? What is even the point?

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by Theoretica

As for the secrets, when your child is old enough to play that sort of game, we started with explaining that mommy and daddy are THE WORLD'S AWESOMEST secret keepers, The rule here is that the word "secret" means either mommy or daddy needs to know, and Mommy and Daddy help KEEP secrets, not TELL them.

This is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

[Materfamilias]

Yeah. Weird and creepy. I also have a problem with grandparents who try to make points with their grandkids by turning them against their parents. What is that?? Like they're in a conspiracy against "the Man". It's just weird.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by MommyKelly

I agree with pp for weird and creepy.

I would put a stop to it now.

Yes, to this statement.

[Theoretica]

Thanks

You do get told lots of benign and sometimes hilarious secrets, but it's so worth it in the end

8yoDD was playing with her friend the other day, I was hanging out with the mama. DD comes running in at warp speed and says MOM! I have to talk to you NOW! The entire time her friend was eyeballing her because she had told her not to tell (also code for "Tell Mom or Dad") and of course DD comes running in. DD looks at her friend with TOTAL seriousness, puts her hands on her friend's shoulders, and says "My mom is the WORLDS BEST SECRET KEEPER, it's ok, I promise!" She whispers into my ear that her friend (6yo, btw) told her a secret that she has magical rocks that take her worries away. I looked at her with a big smile and said wow, that is a great secret! I promise I'll keep it safe forever! Then we pinky swore and crossed our hearts (her friend included) and off they went to play.

As they get older we change the wording to 'amnesty' when it involves something THEY have done. My teens will ask for an amnesty meeting where they can talk without fear of getting in trouble, because usually they feel like it's THAT serious. Sometimes it is, sometimes not, but all the time I'd rather they be able to talk to me so I can help them solve it than for them to wing it themselves and end up digging the hole deeper.

[Snowflower]

"As for the secrets, when your child is old enough to play that sort of game, we started with explaining that mommy and daddy are THE WORLD'S AWESOMEST secret keepers, The rule here is that the word "secret" means either mommy or daddy needs to know, and Mommy and Daddy help KEEP secrets, not TELL them. It doesn't have to be both of us, but one of us is fine. Now that they are older they can tell anyone on their 'trusted grownup list' that we help them put together.

The trick is if you ever do get told a secret, you have to keep it a trusted thing between you and not overreact or flip out ESPECIALLY if it's something you don't want to hear. That's a fast way for them to NEVER tell you a secret again. If your reaction is always calm and welcoming, they won't hesitate to tell you or daddy (or whomever you trust) their secrets, most of which are adorable and harmless (even if it's mildly against your rules) but the key to us is setting the stage for them to trust us with the BIG stuff as they get older."


Yes! Brilliant!! Wow. I hope I remember this one!! I'm gonna print it.
Really... Thank you for sharing that!

[Hoopin' Mama]

It's quite possible her secret is "Grandma loves you more than anything in the whole wide world". Doesn't matter, it makes you uncomfortable, and someday you will have to talk to your child about keeping "secrets" from Mom and Dad. You should put a stop to it now.

Good luck.

[*Erin*]

My mil does this same exact thing-i'm going to go with the PP who say it's a generational thing. i HATE it. especially when she vanishes with my 23 month old for a "secret" and returns with him holding a gigantic cookie. i've always been very firm about stuff that I don't feel comfortable with, and although we went thru this with her and my older dd, I think she's being super passive aggressive with ds and doing the same thing just to piss me off.

i am going to handle it like I did when it was an issue with dd and smile very sweetly and tell ds (in her arms) how silly, grown ups dont need to ask kids to keep secrets.

grrrrr....

[One_Girl]

I think you should let this go unless you don't trust them. If you don't trust them then don't let your kids go in a room alone with them. You should talk to your kids about good secrets and bad secrets because that is important as they develop into their own person. I used to get all worked up about that and we called secrets surprises, but when my dd turned five she wanted to have secrets and she refused to call them surprises anymore, she was very insistant that they were secrets. Even now she will whisper something little and silly to a friend or family member and tell me not to listen and them not to tell me, she gets very angry if someone doesn't keep the secret. It really made me re-evaluate how in the know I have to be about every little aspect of her life. Even young kids want some autonomy and privacy and they deserve to have that until they show you they need that taken away. As a parent you really don't HAVE to know each time grandma says she loves your child or that your child and her friend are planning to play rescue the fairy or restraunt. There are secrets that are fine for kids to keep.

[Kailey's mom]

Originally Posted by April Dawn

Your MIL and step-FIL honestly sound a little passive aggressive to me. Like they are "joking" about keeping things from you, but doing it in such a cutesy manner that if you complain, they will say "It was just a game, no big deal!" I think that behavior is weird and creepy, personally.

I wouldn't be okay with it either.

[ChetMC]

Hard To Say

We know a lot of people who have odd little expressions that they say to babies. It's a one-sided conversation so I can see why people chatter away about silly things. I have a great aunt who always tells babies, "I had one just like it, but the wheel feel off." So while the secret thing rubs me the wrong way too, it's not like a six month old baby has any idea what she's talking about.

Now, my MIL and FIL do tell the kids things like "this ice cream is our secret" and this does bother me... specifically because our kids are not babies, and it does set the precedent of it being reasonable for a trusted adult to ask a child to keep secrets from their parents, and considering MIL was a guidance counselor she really should know better!

I've let it slide though because it doesn't happen that often, and there's no malicious intent. I also agree about the generational aspect... and secrets can be fun. I can understand that sharing a secret makes people feel a special connection, and it's true that little kids love secrets. But I do have to grit my teeth at times!

And going to task over the silly chit chat people make with a baby will probably just make you look a nut. If you want to get them on board with how they talk about secrets I'd probably wait until your LO has some concept of what a secret is.

[PoshPlayground]

Personally, I think she fed him some food! mashed potatoes or something. lol

Why the old guy is shaking his fist at him and talking about the beach....umm, sounds like pure nonsense talk.

I am a grandma, and that is just a tad wierd to me. He is only 6 months old! He has no clue what she is even saying. Now, if it is an innocent secret, then why doesn't she just say it?
To me, it's just wierd and a bit creepy.


My family all lives together here in my home. I have 2 adult children here ( a son and a daughter) and their 2 children(1 each)...so 3 generations. When I make a cake, I tell the girls (4 and 10)...I'll let you lick the beaters before dinner, but don't tell mommy! (or daddy)....THAT...is what grandmas do.

[gbailey]

It would bother me for the same reasons OP said it bothers her. I am glad your DH is going to nip it in the bud.

[jammomma]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. You have all given me a lot to think about.

I think we have decided to hold off on saying anything just yet and see how it plays out.

I want my son to have a special relationship with his grandma and I am going to try my best to facilitate that, and I don't want to put her on the defensive or give her any reason to distance herself from him.

He is only 6 months and he mostly just sees her on Skype; in person visits are few and far. He has not and will not have 'alone time" with them or any other members of our family, so I am not worried about her feeding him crap food, or undermining our parenting to a great extent. I am so grateful they live out of state.

At this point I think me and my DH have agreed that it is just an annoyance to us, but that she means well, and until it interferes with our parenting in some way, that we will just let it slide. (her husband is a differnet story all together however, he we will be watching closely, as we think he has some serious anger issues)

I am grateful for all the support, I know I wouldn't be half the mother I am today without all that I have learned from the wise women on this forum. Thanks.

[writteninkursive]

Originally Posted by limabean

I think you could say something like, "I know you're just messing around, but it'll make things less confusing for him later when we have the good touch/bad touch talk if we avoid the 'secret' terminology from the get-go. How about using a word like 'surprise' instead, since that usually means it's something fun that's only a secret temporarily?"

[Kivgaen]

I think its a little strange that they are doing it with a child that isn't verbal yet. With a 3 year old, or even a 6 year old, I could understand it. We occasionally play a secrets game with our children. If, for example, my child feels uncomfortable about something, he sometimes finds it easier to tell me about it if he whispers it to me. We also play the occasional "Don't tell mommy", or "don't tell daddy" game, and then the child goes and tells mommy or daddy, and the original person gets all upset that they told the secret, and then everyone laughs and giggles and has a good time.

Other than the fact that it is with a baby, and the fact that you don't like it, then I wouldn't have worried about it. But since you don't like it (and obviously they know that you don't but continue to do it), then I would also worry about that, and I don't think you are over-reacting.

[fyrwmn]

we had a long talk with dd about secrets when she was old enough to understand. it went along with the good touch/bad touch talk. i explained to her that it is never okay for an adult to ask a child to keep a secrt from their mommy or daddy. around here, we refer to chrsitmas gifts and such as surprises. it is okay to keep a surprise from mommy or daddy, as a surprise is a good thing.
the beef i have with my mom i sthat she knows the rules we have for dd and she will intentionally undermine us. dh will go down to pick the kids up and my mom will try to give dd a chocolate milk for the road. (we have an hour drive home). she is allowed 1 chocolate milk a day, and i know she's already had that earlier in the day because my sister's 2 yr old that lives at my mom's literally has either a bottle of chocolate milk or straight juice hanging out of her face at all times. dh will tell dd that she can only have 1/2 a cup or whatever he decides at that time, and my mom will do whatever she wants anyways and then tell dd "we won't tell daddy". same thing with giving dd chapstick (we don't allow her to actually hold onto it because she'll eat it) mom will in front of dh tell dd "we won't tell mommy". imo that's teahicng my child it's okay to lie to us. it's become such an issue (along with a few other things) that my mother is very close to losing contact with my children.

[phathui5]

The line we use at our house is: "The only secrets we don't tell are birthday and Christmas presents."