taking responsibility for getting dressed--how old?

[K-Mom3]

My 3 yo dd usually refuses to get dressed unless I come help her. She is completely capable of getting dressed and sometimes decides on her own to dress and then comes out to show me and be praised (I happily comply).

I think refusing to dress is just another way of demanding attention. I already work really hard on spending time with her and getting her emotional needs met....but I'd like her to get dressed on her own, when I ask, without a tantrum. Is this expecting too much? Any thoughts?

[staceychev]

I dunno. I've heard of a lot of range. But, most days, my 4.5YO still wants help getting dressed. Especially if it's a morning when we're trying to get out of the house for work/preschool.

A 3YO is still a very young person. I think qualifying it as "just another way of demanding attention" is expecting developmental advances that just might not be there yet.

[The4OfUs]

I think it is expecting too much for a 3 yo to always get dressed on their own, and/or always be happy about it (i.e. not throwing a tantrum if you want her to do it on her own and she wants help)...not because they're incapable, but because they're 3. Physically she may be capable, but emotionally she may still want the closeness and caring feeling of being helped into her clothes. Transitioning to "big kid" is hard, and soemtimes they hold on to some of the things that seem silly to us, things that remind them that we still care for them and will help them along even though they're "big". Heck, I still sometimes help my almost 6 yo DS get his socks and shirt on, just a little snuggly time we'll do in the mornings a couple mornings a week where he'll dive into the shirt and then I'll wrap him in a hug as his arms get in the sleeves.

Just because she can do it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her for asking you to help her sometimes...she's still so little. My 3yo dresses herself about half the time, and asks for help about half the time. It's a process, like most other things, not a lightswitch where it's either one way or the other.

[busymama77]

I think morning's are tough, too. My almost 4yo prefers that I get him dressed in the morning, which I don't mind at all, as I set aside extra time to do so, but in the evenings or on the weekends if we're running out to some place, I lay out his clothes, ask him to get dressed and he doesn't seem to fuss about it. There are times when I give him options between shirts, pants, undies, socks, whichever....

Maybe it's just the time of day or may your LO is still a little too young to do it all by herself?

[limabean]

My 5yo DS has been physically capable of dressing himself since he was 3, but he likes to have help a lot of the time, and I don't mind. For some reason being attended to in that way contributes to his feelings of love and security. If I'm super busy with something else I'll tell him so and he'll get dressed on his own, knowing that I'll probably gladly help him the next time he asks.

I'm perfectly capable of getting myself a glass of water, but sometimes I'm tired and ask my DH to get it for me, and I'm grateful that he usually cheerfully does it (as I do for him when he asks) instead of saying, "Oh please, you can do it yourself. You're just demanding attention." Wouldn't that feel awful?

[StrawberryFields]

My 4 year old ds still needs me to select his clothes and help him dress. He is physically capable of dressing and undressing himself for the most part (though he needs help with buttons, zippers, etc). I do think it is expecting too much for him to take initiative and get himself dressed every morning, especially without a tantrum. IMO physically capable does not always equal developmentally ready. So sometimes I ask him to select a shirt, sometimes I select his shirts for him. Sometimes I lay his clothes out and ask him to put them on and sometimes I help him into them. As he gets older he'll do more and more on his own and eventually I am confident he will dress himself every day without mom's help.

[K-Mom3]

Thanks for your perspective, ladies.

My ds is 5 and has no trouble and I can't even remember when he started dressing himself when I asked. I hear ya that as far as emotional development goes, a 3 yo who requests help getting dressed is totally normal. I guess I'll ask her if she wants to do it herself and just help her into her clothes when she wants help.

[staceychev]

One thing I discovered is that it's much quicker just to help her get dressed than argue with her about it and deal with the meltdowns!

[MJB]

My youngest just turned 4, and has been picking out his clothes and dressing himself most of the time for at least a year. If he dawdles, I'll pick out clothes and toss them at him, but I don't actually help him put his clothes on and haven't for a while. He can dress in a hurry if he's motivated-- if he wants to go out in the snow he will have a shirt, snowsuit, coat, boots and gloves on in 3 minutes.
I don't think it's expecting too much for a 3 yr. old to dress herself. Maybe you can make it a race? My kids like me to time how long it takes them to do things.

[freestyler]

I think it's just another way of grabbing attention too. Anyway, my 3-yo started dressing herself (with great delight on her part!) at 2. I was amused by her choices and still am. A 3 YO definitely can dress oneself.

On the other hand, you might make things a little easier by doing a couple of things: 1) Reduce the amount of clothes in the dresser/shelves/closet, because too much choice can feel a bit overwhelming, and what looks like not much clothing to you might seem like a mountain to her, and 2) Can you choose an outfit together the night before, with the clear expectation that she put it on herself the next day?

[Llyra]

DD1 used to refuse to dress, at that age. She could do it herself, but she just didn't want to. At that time, I had infant twins, and way too much to do in the mornings, and her getting dressed on her own was important enough to me that I decided to push the issue.

I started just ignoring the whole process. I'd put the clothes out for her, and then leave her alone. But I wouldn't allow us to move on to the next part of the day (leaving the house, taking out toys, starting a project) until she was dressed. I'd just say, "Okay, we can do XYZ. That's fine. As soon as you get your clothes on." I'd also stay nearby and perfectly willing to help with the hard parts-- twisted undies, difficult zippers, etc., if asked in a reasonable tone. I wouldn't nag or ask a zillion times or anything for her to do it, or even remind her more than once. I would just wait until she wanted something from me, look mildly surprised, and say, "oh, sure honey. We can do that. Just as soon as you get dressed."

We missed a few days of preschool, had a few very late breakfasts, etc., but she did sooner or later get the idea that nothing fun was going to happen if she didn't do it herself.

It took time. By 4, it was a lot easier. If I hadn't had the twins, I might have decided not to make an issue out of it, and waited until she was older. So I also agree with the suggestions to just roll with it and continue helping her dress awhile longer.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by freestyler

I think it's just another way of grabbing attention too.

What's wrong with that? Barring the busy-with-twins scenario from another poster, what's wrong with a 3yo asking his/her parent for attention? Don't we all ask for attention from each other all the time? Every time I ask DH for a drink or a footrub, or he asks me to make some tea or bring him his book, we're demanding attention from each other.

It would be strange to live in a family where no help was provided unless it was a task that someone was physically incapable of doing alone. I'm sure your family isn't like that, but for some reason getting dressed falls under the "things s/he shouldn't need help with anymore" heading for you, whereas for me it falls under the "things s/he's able to do but feels like having help with today" heading. Another poster had some good things to say about it being a transition period, rather than an "okay, you did it, now it's your responsibility to do it every day no matter what" thing.

[SoulCakes]

I've considered this, too. My DD will be five in a few months, and I still help her get dressed before school, mostly because it would take so long if she did it all herself, and also because she would want to go to school in her ballet skirt - not exactly the best choice for blustery winter mornings.

She *can* get dressed on her own (and frequently goes through several dress changes during the weekends!), so I haven't worried about it too much.

[pixiepunk]

Originally Posted by limabean

What's wrong with that? Barring the busy-with-twins scenario from another poster, what's wrong with a 3yo asking his/her parent for attention? Don't we all ask for attention from each other all the time? Every time I ask DH for a drink or a footrub, or he asks me to make some tea or bring him his book, we're demanding attention from each other.

It would be strange to live in a family where no help was provided unless it was a task that someone was physically incapable of doing alone. I'm sure your family isn't like that, but for some reason getting dressed falls under the "things s/he shouldn't need help with anymore" heading for you, whereas for me it falls under the "things s/he's able to do but feels like having help with today" heading. Another poster had some good things to say about it being a transition period, rather than an "okay, you did it, now it's your responsibility to do it every day no matter what" thing.

:

my 6.5 year old sometimes asks me to help her. obviously, since she's been dressing herself since the age of 2 i know she's darn well capable of doing it herself. but it seems to come at times when she is just craving some extra attention and that is fine with me. it's quite enjoyable for us to pick out her outfits together and then i help her get into them.

also, each child is so very different, while my oldest wanted more independence in choosing and putting on her clothes very young, my DS is only just in the last 6 months or so expressed opinions about what clothes he wears or whether i put them on him or he does it himself. he's 4.5 yo. he's plenty independent in lots of other areas, he would probably just stay naked all day if it were up to him so on days when that's not going to be appropriate (like a school day or when MIL is coming for a visit) sometimes i need to take the lead. my oldest loves clothes and relishes choosing her outfit each day. for DS, clothes are just necessary bodily coverings he has to endure, so he's not overly-excited about taking the lead.

IME, 3 is an age where kids like to assert their independence, but don't particularly embrace independence being thrust upon them IYKWIM. like my DD1would sometimes say at that age that she wanted to sleep in her own bed and we'd gladly oblige, but if we suggested she sleep in her own bed.... well, that didn't go over too well

[Alyantavid]

I think it varies alot. My oldest was capable of getting himself completely dressed (minus socks) at 2. My youngest is 3.5 and can and will dress himself but he needs reminding that it is in fact time to get dressed. And he does need some help at times.

[pauletoy]

My 3 year old dresses herself everday and every single day she puts her panties on backwards. You would think them riding up her rear would be uncomfortable but she will not change them

[NicaG]

Originally Posted by staceychev

I dunno. I've heard of a lot of range. But, most days, my 4.5YO still wants help getting dressed. Especially if it's a morning when we're trying to get out of the house for work/preschool.

A 3YO is still a very young person. I think qualifying it as "just another way of demanding attention" is expecting developmental advances that just might not be there yet.

I was stressing out about this a lot when ds started preschool this fall (he's 4.5). Finally I just decided it wasn't worth the battle, and I helped him get dressed in the mornings. Some days he does most of it himself; some days I do most of it. I figure he'll do it when he's ready. I was tired of starting out each day grumpy and angry....so I changed my thinking. Good luck!

[MJB]

Originally Posted by limabean

What's wrong with that? Barring the busy-with-twins scenario from another poster, what's wrong with a 3yo asking his/her parent for attention? Don't we all ask for attention from each other all the time? Every time I ask DH for a drink or a footrub, or he asks me to make some tea or bring him his book, we're demanding attention from each other.

It would be strange to live in a family where no help was provided unless it was a task that someone was physically incapable of doing alone. I'm sure your family isn't like that, but for some reason getting dressed falls under the "things s/he shouldn't need help with anymore" heading for you, whereas for me it falls under the "things s/he's able to do but feels like having help with today" heading. Another poster had some good things to say about it being a transition period, rather than an "okay, you did it, now it's your responsibility to do it every day no matter what" thing.

Sure, but if my husband expects me to get him a drink every time he was thirsty, he'd better think again. I don't mind helping out when asked if I feel like it and have time, but there's no footrubs on demand around here. Same with helping my preschooler get dressed-- if I have time and feel like it. If he says "I can't get my socks on!" I might help him, or I might say, "I don't have time to help, and you do know how to put your socks and shoes on so quit goofing around."

[limabean]

Originally Posted by MJB

Sure, but if my husband expects me to get him a drink every time he was thirsty, he'd better think again. I don't mind helping out when asked if I feel like it and have time, but there's no footrubs on demand around here. Same with helping my preschooler get dressed-- if I have time and feel like it. If he says "I can't get my socks on!" I might help him, or I might say, "I don't have time to help, and you do know how to put your socks and shoes on so quit goofing around."

True, and a lot of it has to do with attitude. If a kid perceives that his mom helps when she can but sometimes is too busy/tired/etc., he may do it himself on those occasions, knowing that he's likely to get help the next time. But if he perceives that his mom considers his asking for help a character flaw and she always says no just on principle or to teach him a lesson, then he might throw a fit because of emotions having to do with more than just the clothing situation.

[freestyler]

Who the heck always says no to helping, on principle?? That would be kinda twisted.

And what is wrong with a child expecting attention all the time? Uhhhhh.....I can think of a lot of things. One Big Thing is that Momma gets Pretty Darned Tired and holy cow, it really helps if people who ARE ABLE to help themselves DO help themselves. And obviously, there will be times when the dressing process needs a parent's help, but there will mostly be times when the process does not need a parent's help (at age 3 and 4 and such), and mom or dad is able to use energy for the myriad other things waiting in the wings. Or urgently needing attention.

My kids get plenty of attention, all the time, and well, I have found out that I am a normal human mom and get tired and cranky if there are nonstop, unnecessary, superfluous requests. I think that where my kids can be self-sufficient, I am thrilled, because then I am not spread so thin. Period. But then, I never had to tell my kids to dress themselves. They just always wanted to, and balked at my helping them the day they could put those little outfits on themselves. Fine by me----there are plenty of other places to help them. All day and night.