Spirited?

[Evelynmia'smom]

I need some advice about how to handle my 16 month old. I believe she is a spirited kid and try to remember that when I am trying to wrangle her into her carseat, etc.
I often feel like a prisoner because she is very difficult to take anywhere that requires her to sit still for any amount of time. She screams if she is in the stoller for longer than 5 minutes....she refuses to sit in a highchair, at home or in a restaurant, often will not sit in a shopping cart seat....you get the picture. I sometimes feel embarassed by how she acts when we are out....and it's so not fun to try to hold a screaming wriggly toddler...man her scream could break glass.
anyway, we met up with some family at a museum today and it was hell....the stroller served as a coat holder, which was no big deal...the thing that sucked was that she refused to be held and would scream if we tried to pick her up. I started looking around and noticed that our toddler was the only one who was acting like that, in fact I often notice how other kids seem to be just fine to eat with their parents in a restaurant or sit in the stroller etc. When we go to playdates or are in classes, I'm often the only mom without a toddler sitting in her lap.....mine is off exploring, which is great...not complaining about this...just trying to paint a picture. Anyway, I have tried the carriers...no dice, she gets mad...I have the happiest toddler and try some of the strategies. I'm just wondering if this is a phase or I am doing something wrong...I try to be as ap oriented as possible but it's very hard sometimes...it seems like she's running the show and my dh and i are along for the ride...

[The4OfUs]

I didn't take either of my kids out to eat from about 16 months to nearly 3, they just were not up to the task and I wasn't up to "training" them because it was more exhausting to me to put forth the effort to keep them emtertained and happy than it was worth to have a meal out. While my DS was ok being in a stroller at this age, my DD wasn't, and the scene you describe reminds me of my DD at that age. Did NOT like to be restrained in any way at all. It is within the range of normal for the age. Honestly, I woudl skip the restaurants and the more structured things, and go to free play types of places. She's clearly telling you she's not ready for that kind of thing right now, and while some people believe that they only learn from experience, I believe that when theyr'e ready developmentally, there's not much to learn.

This is NOT to say that I didn't set limits with her or never went out, because I did. I just didn't try to make her be in a more structured "class" type environments, or restaurants, because she just wasn't there. Whatever other kids her age were doing, she wasn't ready, so I didn't push it. We found a free play "class" at our YMCA that was like 5 min of fingerplays and then 40 min of free play on equipment, and that was great. The mommy & me gymnsatics class was hard for her at first, but the teacher was great letting her wander as long as she was safe and I was with her. When she got closer to 3, we started expecting her to listen and follow instructions more, and she was ready more at that age. But 16 months is SO young.

I picked one battle, with this whole thing - shopping carts in stores. I could NOT deal with her walking around in stores, so that was my one thing I didn't compromise on. In a store, she was in a shopping cart, until she was 3 years old and showed me she could walk with me without running (though she still sometimes has to be reminded ). She rode on my back from 6 months to about 17 months, and then started refusing the carrier, or would arch backwards and try to throw herself out of it, so that was no longer a safe option. Initially she was not impressed with having to be in the cart (and made it LOUDLY known a few times), but I would bring snacks and toys to make it more tolerable for her and because it was really the only time I compelled her to be restrained like that, she kind of dealt with it and got over it. I think if i would have tried to force this out of her by doing restaurants and classes, etc. and lots of things instead of just picking the one thing and laying off the rest, it would have lasted a lot longer than it did and been a bigger battle than it was. I decided that shopping in peace and pleasantly was more important to me than taking structured classes or going out to eat, so I made that one the focus for me.

Now having said the above about my daughter being much like yours is at that age, at 3-1/2 she is in preschool 2 days a week and gymnastics 1 day a week without me there with her and she does BEAUTIFULLY in the structured setting. Even 6 months ago when she was in mommy & me gymnastics, I wasn't sure how a regular class without me would go, but she has done JUST fine.

Good luck keeping up with her in the coming year or so! I'd really search out unstructured meetups and freeplay type classes, skip restaurants for a while, and she will come out of it, I promise. If you want to "practice" anywhere, practice at home for sitting and table manners. Much less frustrating and embarrassing than doing ti out in public!

[Kim919]

DD (almost 15 months) goes everywhere with me, which is a lot of places. We shop, eat out, etc., almost every day and she is 99% of the time really really well behaved. (I think that is 95% luck.)

The only day she ever actually was difficult to deal with was about a Month ago when I went shopping with my mom and two sisters. When we go shopping, she always sits in the cart. If they don't have carts she goes in a front back, back pack, or gets carried. In a resturant she sits on my lap or in a high chair. On this day my sister decided to let her walk on her own in the store holding her hand. Then all hell broke loose and It was a lost cause for the rest of the day, all she wanted to do was get down and run around, she was not containable. That was the last time I set her down in public.

[mckennasmomma]

the4ofus had some great words of wisdom. have you read Raising Your Spirited Child? you might find more ways to work WITH her from that book.

[goldingoddess]

We may have the same child. Except my Rowan is a boy and is 17 months.

I try not to go places where Rowan can't run around and do his own thing. I find this much less stressful then trying to get him to hang out in a stroller while writhing to escape. If I go to a museum it is a kid friendly museum that he can touch everything. If I go on a hike, he walks too. Shopping is really, really hard. I usually bring a treat for him to eat and do everything as quickly as possible. No more browsing. And I refuse to go out to eat with him unless it is counter service in to go packages so we can leave the second he gets antsy. Dinnertime we've shifted until after bedtime so that we can actually enjoy our food.

I figure it's just a stage, and I wouldn't change his enthusiasm and passion for exploration for anything.

[LadyCatherine185]

My 16 mo DS is the same way. Hates restraints of any kind. I have noticed it getting progressively worse lately.

I will be watching this thread for more ideas.

[CheriK]

Originally Posted by Evelynmia'smom

I started looking around and noticed that our toddler was the only one who was acting like that

That's because the rest of us are at home or at the playground

Seriously, your DD sounds normal to me! Toddlers just don't typically sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time. Yes, a few will, and if you want to use some non-gentle discipline, you can probably "train" some others, but for the most part they'll be up and off as soon as you turn your back. And places like museums, where they can't move around freely and can't touch anything, are really just torture for a toddler (and the parents!).

We avoided going out to places like that for quite a while. If we did go out, we tried to choose child-friendly restaurants (not the kind with white linen tablecloths and china!). We also planned ahead -brought a snack along, brought coloring books or toys, did tag-team meals. If we wanted to see something less child friendly, we'd plan for nap time (naps in the sling) or would tag-team that as well - one parent played outside w/ the kids, the other saw the exhibit.

We consider the stroller to be a stuff carrier. None of my children would spend much time in the stroller. It puts them at the wrong height to participate in the world - they see walls and kneecaps. We always had better luck with slings, because they could participate in conversations and see the same view as we saw. But putting them in the sling doesn't mean sticking them on my body and ignoring, it means including them in the activity I'm doing as much as possible. I can keep a toddler happy in a sling for a lot longer than in a stroller, but there are limits to that as well.

I see the constant activity and movement as exploring their world and developing their bodies. We live in a really child unfriendly society, unfortunately, so you probably will meet with some disapproval when you let your child be a normal child. As another poster said, you pick your battles. Is it worth it? Maybe you need to avoid museums for the time being. There will come a day when your child will walk calmly through the museum holding your hand.

It also helps to remember that your child is probably bothering you a lot more than she's bothering other people DD#2 is currently at the SCREAMING stage, which is making me truly crazy. When I make comments to the people around us, though, I realize that no one else really notices. It's just that as Mamas, we're programmed to respond to our children.

DD#2 and I had an absolute blast at the department store earlier this week. DH needed new jeans and hit the holiday sales. We played. She kept taking purses off the rack, carrying them around, then dropping them for another purse. She also wanted to feel all the textured clothes. It was like a giant playground for her. I got so many comments about how cute/sweet/wonderful she was - because I was working with her instead of expecting her to behave in some particular way. I just made sure to pick up after her and the store employees didn't care. Now, if I'd been alone and trying to SHOP, it would have been another story, but since we planned around what she needed, it worked great. (OT, but I also got a nice comment from an older woman who saw me nursing her while we were there.)

ED- Oops, forgot to put in. Have you read "Adventures in Gentle DIscipline"? Good, age-appropriate ideas and helpful to know what to expect.

[kgreenemama]

Oh, I see so many familiar names on the replies here - moms, like me, who have children who lack "typical" (whatever that is) sleep and behavior patterns. We're all drawn to your original post out of sympathy!

My son, Jude, 20 mo, never liked the car/stroller/bouncy seat/baby papasan/swing/high chair until about 14 months old. Going anywhere required holding my breath, holding on to my nerves, and saying lots of prayers. Now we have some tolerable days. Other moms have offered some great advice for your spirited lo, so I won't ramble. I just wanted to point out one bit that has kept me going all through this crazy mommy rollercoaster: Your child was born this way. There is nothing wrong with your parenting choices. Choosing different methods would not have altered the outcome (except to not care about it, which, clearly for you, was not an option). She was born spunky and you've adjusted your world to suit her needs for the benefit of everyone involved. Trust your heart.

[LadyCatherine185]

I just wanted to add that if I time it just right (usually in the afternoon, after we've had a nap and eaten lunch) and bring snacks with me, it goes a LOT more smoothly. And I have to keep shopping trips under an hour.. usually the first 30 minutes go well, he waves/blows kisses to all the people, and the rest of the time is me doing waht I can to keep him from fussing too much. Around 45 minutes it gets pretty rough and an hour is his absolute limit.

[Evelynmia'smom]

Thanks mamas....I knew I would find some great advice and support here. I've just really been struggling lately being ap with my daughter. The past few weeks have been the worst...perhaps with the holidays and lack of our normal routines and such. I adore her and love that she is spunky and bright and curious....it's who she is. However, I have lost my patience (raising my voice) with her on more occasions than I care to count the past few weeks and it truly breaks my heart. I think my expectations have been off...time to do some readjusting I guess.

The museum example was a fluke...it was a special day...we only go to children's museums with her....she has a TON of freedom to explore...she has access to most of our home with the exception of something unsafe...we do have lots of fee playdates and such and only go to one gym class that is pretty unstructured. The sleep and eating issues drive me more nutty than the other stuff though. Mealtimes have become torture...and she has recently decided to stop napping....it makes me insane...i need a break sometimes. I might just start taking a drive during those times and just listen to music and let her try to nap. I know it's wrong but I do in my mind start to compare her to friends kids when she won't nap...two friends of mine brought their toddlers over for playdates and they both slept in a pack n play for 2.5 hours!!! I mean, forget it....evie has to be nursed to sleep and then i'm lucky if i get 45 minutes...I was hoping that by this age she would have mellowed some with the sleep stuff. It scares me to have another one now

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Evelynmia'smom

It scares me to have another one now

I joke around that if my DD would have been my first, she would have been an only or a very older sibling, instead of the 2-1/2 yr spacing we did with my easygoing DS first. DD was intense from the day she entered the world. She's 3-1/2 now and just in th epast couple months I feel like *if* we were having more kids, I'd be able to handle a newborn and her...but we're done having kids so it's a moot point. But I totally hear where you're coming from.

She stopped napping at 28 months...which actually I liked, because she would drop to bed like a rock at 7pm.

For mealtimes, what's going on? Is it that she doesn't want to sit, or is throwing things, or what? Maybe we could help you brainstorm something to help save a little sanity for ya.