Santa experiences: whose parents never lied to them?

[indigosky]

DP and I had been planning not to lie to DD about Santa Claus -- we figured we'd tell her Santa is a wonderful story but is a pretend person, but still do some of the fun rituals like leaving out milk and cookies that Santa can eat. To us, it feels like a balance between having the fun of Santa, but also being honest.

However, my sister just told me that we have two cousins whose parents never lied to them about Santa, and as teens/adults they are furious about this -- apparently they feel they were denied the "magic" that most other American children got to experience.

That's an angle I hadn't considered. At this point, DD is still young enough (2 years) that we could change our strategy for next year -- we really didn't discuss Santa in any detail at all this year.

So ... is there anyone out there whose parents told them Santa was pretend right from the start? Looking back on it, how did/do you feel about your experience?

[Caterina]

My parents did just what you are planning on doing - Santa is a neat story that is fun to pretend. We left out cookies and beer (my dad likes beer) on Christmas Eve and we got presents from Santa (tags in my mom's handwriting)... I never felt like I was denied the magic, and I never felt lied to either. We're planning to do the same with our LO. I'm interested to see what others say...

[K-Mom3]

My dh and I both grew up knowing that our parents were Santa. I still LOVED Christmas and have told my kids, the same as my parents told me. Christmas has always been extremely special, the best time of the year. Santa is not necessary for this. Christmas morning is still TOTALLY special and magic. You wake up in the morning and there are presents! My kids like singing songs about Santa and still think the story about the sleigh going to everyone's houses is kinda fun. It does not spoil anything, knowing that the gifts come from Mom and Dad.

I don't think I missed out on anything except the rude moment when you learn that your parents have been lying to you for years! I know many kids who were very disturbed when this moment came. One asked his parents, "So, is Jesus real then?" which is a HUGE deal to me because I want my kids to believe in Jesus. Also, for kids who believe in Santa, there is the problem that all the kids who already have the most stuff, get the most presents from Santa. I grew up rather poor compared to other kids at my school and it was SO helpful to me to be able to understand why someone else got such huge expensive presents and I didn't. I knew that it wasn't because I was naughty.

I could never do it any other way.

[Cersha]

My parents never lied about Santa. We didn't leave out cookies and milk either. And none of our presents were "from Santa". I don't see anything wrong with it, and we intend to do the same with our son. If he WANTS to pretend, that's fine too, but I won't teach him about some guy that comes down your chimney.
We will most likely talk about the ORGINAL St. NIck, and talk about the spirit of the season, but other than that....

[NotBroken]

I always knew Santa wasn't real and it never effected me negatively. I was still thrilled on Christmas day and it didn't matter who the presents came from.

On the other hand, we do plan on telling DS there is a Santa per DH request. He said it didn't hurt him when he found out Santa wasn't real, and since it is something he wants to do, I am compromising.

[Serenyd]

We're not doing it. If my kids want to play-pretend there is a Santa I'll go along with it, but I'm not lying to them. Plus, I want the credit for buying the presents!

[Collinsky]

My parents were always adamant that Santa was not real, and our religious views were staunchly against Santa and Christmas in general -- I never once wished that my parents had pretended that Santa was real. That's kind of moot. I do think that not growing up feeling that Santa represented shiny, smiling EVIL probably would have been nice, but oh, well. It was what it was.

Now - a totally different religious belief than that of my youth - we don't teach our kids that Santa is real - OR that he is a symbol of evil. We've kind of followed their lead. Even without us doing much Santa-promoting, the larger culture is so steeped in the imagery and mythos that having kids who aren't exposed in some way is pretty difficult. So by 3 or so, they've all known who Santa is and the basic gist of it all. If they ask, "Is Santa real or not, Mama???" I usually say, "What do you think?" and then I just accept whatever answer they give at that time as what they want to believe -- and that has so far satisfied them, they seem pleased with their answer. They go back and forth - sometimes he's real, sometimes he's not, and they are pretty matter-of-fact about both. Sometimes it's clear that they truly know he's not real, but that they want to pretend he is anyway. They get it both ways, IMO -- the joy of Santa's reality, without the disillusionment of finding out it was false.


My eldest is turning 7 now, and this year she left out a cookie for Santa - which we've not done before - and made sure that the magic Santa key was hanging on the door (we don't have a chimney, so he needs that key to get in, goes the story)... she really gets into it. But at the same time, I think she's the closest to deciding he's not really real, once and for all. And I think that there's satisfaction in being able to decide to believe or not.

Now that she's a bit older, probably we'll start to have conversations about the reality of Santa *as a symbol* of hope, generosity, charity, joy, etc. Like most myths, it doesn't have to be literally "true" to hold within it Truth -- but that's more a concept for when they will have more enjoyment and understanding of abstract thought, IMO.

I could be wrong. If my kids are bitter in 20 years because Dh didn't make fake footprints across the carpet to add realism to the Santa thing, and because I never said, "Yes, sweetie, OF COURSE there's a Santa!" well, I'll come back and let you know. I realllly don't anticipate that, though!

[Dea]

I read an article about this recently.
It touched on that most kids (if they're allowed to) believe "figure" it out on their own around age 7 and that provides them with a good surge of self reliance and pride. I don't think it'll harm DD to let her believe, but I won't go out of my way to make it a big deal. She did get a Santa gift this year, along with her Daddy!

[OJazzy1]

I was never made to believe a story about Santa, my parents told us about St. Nick and what he did and that is where the story originally came from but they never made anything up, we were not harmed at all by it, we loved Christmas and loved getting up and being surprised, our parents always made neat baskets for us, we never knew when they went to buy them or how they showed up in the house but they had neat breakfast stuff in it, snacks for the day, a few neat things to do... etc. We had a blast.

I don't plan on "lying" to my son either.

[Artichokie]

my parents did not do santa and neither do we. I appreciate that they never lied to me.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

My parents have always been honest about Santa and I am doing the same with the kids. I knew exactly where my gifts came from and so do they.

I am very happy they never lied to me about there being a Santa.

[Plarka]

My parents did what you plan to do, Santa is fun to pretend about. I am so glad they did it this way and this is how we are doing it with our kids.

[Dahlea]

We are not doing Santa at all. We don't celebrate Christmas, we celebrate Yule, so hopefully it won't make my kids mad when they grow up!

[bstandlee]

My parents never lied about Santa and I and my brothers all loved Christmas. We would spend Christmas Eve at my grandparents and my Grandpa would dress up in a Santa suit in the middle of the night and fill our stockings. We knew it but it was still so much fun! We pretended about Santa but never believed he was real. I don't feel deprived at all and plan on doing the same with our son.

[SusanElizabeth]

Originally Posted by OJazzy1

I was never made to believe a story about Santa, my parents told us about St. Nick and what he did and that is where the story originally came from but they never made anything up, we were not harmed at all by it, we loved Christmas and loved getting up and being surprised, our parents always made neat baskets for us, we never knew when they went to buy them or how they showed up in the house but they had neat breakfast stuff in it, snacks for the day, a few neat things to do... etc. We had a blast.

I don't plan on "lying" to my son either.

I like the way you put the word "lying" in quotes. My parents went along with the Santa-thing when I was young, but I never really thought of it as lying. When I was in first grade, my father explained that there was an original St. Nick, and that Santa still existed in the form of a giving spirit at Christmastime.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by Collinsky

We've kind of followed their lead. Even without us doing much Santa-promoting, the larger culture is so steeped in the imagery and mythos that having kids who aren't exposed in some way is pretty difficult. So by 3 or so, they've all known who Santa is and the basic gist of it all. If they ask, "Is Santa real or not, Mama???" I usually say, "What do you think?" and then I just accept whatever answer they give at that time as what they want to believe -- and that has so far satisfied them, they seem pleased with their answer. They go back and forth - sometimes he's real, sometimes he's not, and they are pretty matter-of-fact about both. Sometimes it's clear that they truly know he's not real, but that they want to pretend he is anyway. They get it both ways, IMO -- the joy of Santa's reality, without the disillusionment of finding out it was false.

This is how we're planning to handle it.

As far as I can remember, we were told to believe in Santa Claus, and I was probably about 6 when my sister (two years older) spilled the beans. No ill effect for me, though, I don't think I was really bothered one way or the other. Possibly my family was low-key about it, I don't know.

My husband, on the other hand, did NOT take "the lie" very well. He was one of those who felt betrayed in a "if you lied about this, what ELSE have you lied about?" type of way, and I think it wounded his trust some.

So I think that's why he's adamant about not telling our daughter about Santa. Not that he refuses to let her be told at all-- he just says that he personally isn't going there, he doesn't want to be the one lying to her, because he doesn't think it's right.

And while I didn't have any ill effects, I see his point, and see why he thinks that lying, even a harmless lie like Santa Claus, isn't a great example to set. So I'm just going to let Emma figure it out on her own, whether or not she wants to believe in it (same way we're going about religion, too, by the way, since I'm an atheist but don't want to indoctrinate her in atheism if she ends up wanting to be religious).

[kcstar]

My folks didn't play Santa either. No leaving cookies & milk out, gifts were simply from them. Of course I saw Santa images in the larger culture, but was never taught to believe in him and then told he's not real.

I've never felt angry about that aspect of my childhood. I plan to do much the same for my child(ren).

[sapphire_chan]

It might not matter what you tell your kids. I was never taught about Santa and in a child development study at age 4 I tested as a "true believer" .

The only truly "bad" way of handling things I've ever encountered is the neighbor kid who through at least age 13 had her mom telling her that *all* of her gifts were from Santa (this was the part I think was a huge mistake). I found out about this when I spilled the beans by telling her that my parents had hidden her new coat at their house for a month. A number of people were upset at me for "ruining" Santa for the teenager

[hlao23]

Originally Posted by Kelly1101

My husband, on the other hand, did NOT take "the lie" very well. He was one of those who felt betrayed in a "if you lied about this, what ELSE have you lied about?" type of way, and I think it wounded his trust some.

This is my DH. When he talks about it you can still see the anger. He's in a bit of a dilemma with it. If it were up to us, we would not do santa but ask that he respect that other kids might have parents who want them to believe. However, BM does Santa with her 5-year-old and we assume she'll want Santa with DBS. They'll have to figure out what works for both of them I guess.

I, personally, don't have a problem with the Santa idea...except for the possibility that it can set kids up for thinking someone can bring them gifts with no thought of costs involved.

[Juvysen]

We were told that christmas was about baby jesus and that santa wasn't real. I remember as a preteen pretending about santa anyway. My parents just shrugged. I didn't feel hurt about it...

ETA... my dad took the santa truth really hard when he finally found out and that is why he didn't do santa with us. He told us straight out that santa wasn't real, but that we were *not* to ruin it for anyone else.

My kids think of santa the same way they think about Dora or Elmo, it seems - he's a character that you sometimes run into. We run into santa at the mall every year, and we run into Dora and Elmo at various festivals So they're "real" but not REAL... if that makes sense? Last year DD (at almost 3) decided she wanted to go see santa at the mall. So we did, and we got a picture of her sitting on his lap - and let *her* have the picture. To me, it was her thing, not ours. This year, she didn't ask to go see santa, but did ask if santa was going to give us presents. I said that no, the presents were from the people we love, and we're giving them presents, too. She accepted that, but then started talking about how santa was going to bring presents, too. On christmas morning she said nothing of santa.