My 4 year old son told me that his father beats him with a "paddle", but there are no marks on him.

[Mouchois]

Should I be worried about this?
He's consistently told me and my mother (his grandma) that he is scared of his stepmom and his daddy, but we've just figured it was usual attention getting (his counselor told us that this may develop). He's also fought tooth and nail to go over to his house, but has no problem coming over to mine.

Now that I hear that his daddy supposedly has a paddle that he hits my son with, I am not sure what to do. I did get my son saying this on video.

We had also just recently found out that his stepmother has had a previous restraining order on her for violence. The act of violence was done in front of my son.

I REALLY need help with this as soon as possible. He goes back to his daddy tomorrow and I'm worried that something fishy is going on.

[Maluhia]

Call the police and make a police report (this will bring CPS down on your ex and give you a reason NOT to send him tomorrow, legally).
Ask him no more about it and let a counselor get the full story out in a way that will be complete and non-traumatic for your son.
and of course cuddle him closer tonight....

[Kailey's mom]

Originally Posted by Mouchois

Should I be worried about this?
He's consistently told me and my mother (his grandma) that he is scared of his stepmom and his daddy, but we've just figured it was usual attention getting (his counselor told us that this may develop). He's also fought tooth and nail to go over to his house, but has no problem coming over to mine.

Now that I hear that his daddy supposedly has a paddle that he hits my son with, I am not sure what to do. I did get my son saying this on video.

We had also just recently found out that his stepmother has had a previous restraining order on her for violence. The act of violence was done in front of my son.

I REALLY need help with this as soon as possible. He goes back to his daddy tomorrow and I'm worried that something fishy is going on.

Wow.. you can call and make the police report now, or be sure to escort your son to his fathers, and find the paddle, and call the police than.. either way, I think the outcome would be the same. I'm so sorry

[Mouchois]

I'm so worried that doing any of this will seem like I'm reaching out for nothing.

I'm on a thin line with this whole custody thing and I don't want to make a mistake and lose any chances of getting what is best for my son.

His father DID decline to help in the counseling, which was recommended by our mediator due to my ex telling her that our son is hurting himself. It makes me wonder if he did this for an alterior motive.

[Mouchois]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

Wow.. you can call and make the police report now, or be sure to escort your son to his fathers, and find the paddle, and call the police than.. either way, I think the outcome would be the same. I'm so sorry

I'm not allowed in their home.
I'm so worried and trying so hard to keep cool.

[Kailey's mom]

oh sweetie.. you must be feeling so helpless at the moment, and scared. Do you have time to call the counselor and get your son in, before it's time for him to go to his father's house tomorrow? Does your son want to go? If a police officer came over, would your son say that he wants to go see daddy?

If you son does NOT want to go see daddy at all, this would be the time to bring him into the counselor, followed by a police report, possibly filed by the counselor.

[HollyBaby]

I'm going to suggest telling your ex, in a non-accusatory way, what your son said. "I just want to let you know our son said this..." Gauge his reaction. He might admit using a paddle of some sort, or he might be so stunned he can't speak. You're right that it wouldn't be good to open a can of worms for nothing, that children do sometimes lie for attention (you said your son fights tooth and nal to go to his dad's house), but you would be irresponsible to presume he's lying and do nothing. So probe a little bit before taking action.

Do NOT question your son in depth your self. You don't want to be accused of coaching your son if he says mommy asks him a lot of questions all the time. Have a counselor talk to him.

[HollyBaby]

I'm going to suggest telling your ex, in a non-accusatory way, what your son said. "I just want to let you know our son said this..." Gauge his reaction. He might admit using a paddle of some sort, or he might be so stunned he can't speak. You're right that it wouldn't be good to open a can of worms for nothing, that children do sometimes lie for attention (you said your son fights tooth and nal to go to his dad's house), but you would be irresponsible to presume he's lying and do nothing. So probe a little bit before taking action.

Do NOT question your son in depth your self. You don't want to be accused of coaching your son if he says mommy asks him a lot of questions all the time. Have a counselor talk to him.

[Mouchois]

I'm currently on the phone with the Crisis Center. I figured that they would be the best to call over the police due to the nature and fragility of this whole custody deal.
I will let everyone know the outcome in case anyone else has this same problem.

[Mouchois]

They recommended not to call the police at this time but, instead, call CSD and ask questions. Allow my child to go to his dad's tomorrow (I'm so scared to do this) and let CSD decide what should be done.

The video does have me asking him questions about it, but in a manner where I was rephrasing what he was saying.

This was the conversation exactly:

"Daddy is mean because he hits me with a paddle when he gets mad and I touch his candle"

"Yeah, baby... We don't touch candles"

"Yeah. And mommy [they tell my son that the stepmom is his "new" mommy] and daddy doesn't like me if I touch it. Daddy needs to be wapped with a paddle."

"No. We don't hit people. It's not nice"

"He doesn't like me cause I touch his candle. I have to wap him cuz he's bad too."

"Where does the paddle go?"

"Its gonna wap your butt purple. Daddy says "I will wap your butt purple".

"Oh. That's not good. Maybe he was just angry. He still loves you."

"NO! He hits my butt and makes me cry and breaks my heart. I have to wap him!"


I ended the conversation here with a "I'm sorry. Maybe you can tell daddy with your words how it makes you feel?"



I'm curious if I was prodding in any way during this conversation. Being a nervous mother at this point, who the heck knows?

[acupuncturemomma]

[boheime]

Please do something. An experienced (or perhaps just crafty) abuser can beat someone without leaving marks.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by boheime

Please do something. An experienced (or perhaps just crafty) abuser can beat someone without leaving marks.

I had a distant relative who I personally witnessed kicking her son, hitting him across the face with a shoe, and hitting him with a wooden spoon, and that kid never had any marks on him. She didn't try not to leave marks...he just didn't mark easily.

She was reported to CPS more than once and didn't lose custody until he was 16 and started hitting back.

[titania8]

what a horrible situation.

[Eeyore35]

Unless he bruises easily, spanking with stick or paddle won't likely leave a mark. I was always spnked with a stick as a child,and the only time it left a mark was once when my dad accidentally hit my leg. That was my fault for fighting it,though. I was a difficult child.

It isn't ok for him to use a stick or padde, not at all. But I wasn't physically abused so hopefully,your son isn't either, altho the spanking needs to stop.

[eclipse]

Originally Posted by Eeyore35

Unless he bruises easily, spanking with stick or paddle won't likely leave a mark. I was always spnked with a stick as a child,and the only time it left a mark was once when my dad accidentally hit my leg. That was my fault for fighting it,though. I was a difficult child.

It isn't ok for him to use a stick or padde, not at all. But I wasn't physically abused so hopefully,your son isn't either, altho the spanking needs to stop.

I think if you were hit by a stick, you were being abused .

OP, I don't have any advice, but wanted to offer support. You might consider cross posting this to the single parents forum - some of those ladies have a lot of experience with custody issues and they might have some other advice.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Scary thing and (in MDC and MDC-like circles) not right, is that in some places spanking with an instrument is perfectly legal and "within the rights of the parents".

[Kailey's mom]

Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes

Scary thing and (in MDC and MDC-like circles) not right, is that in some places spanking with an instrument is perfectly legal and "within the rights of the parents".

whoa, I did not even think about that.. but yeah, you are right. I *think* even in some schools, the principle has a paddle, and the parents can sign to allow the principal to spank.. I heard that somewhere.

people are so freekin twisted, if someone hit a dog with an object, the owner would be arrested for animal cruelty, no doubt. Hit a child with object =parental right?? MESSED THE HELL UP

[bobandjess99]

Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes

Scary thing and (in MDC and MDC-like circles) not right, is that in some places spanking with an instrument is perfectly legal and "within the rights of the parents".

Yes this. As awful as it sounds, in many places it is completely legal to spank a child, even with an implement. The main juvenile court judge in my town is openly pro-spanking, actually. (I posted a while back about how a case went to appeals court where a mother had beaten her child with an extension cord! and had CPS action taken against her, and she then SUED the state, claiming ashe was well within her rights as a parent to dsiscipline her child that way and SHE WON. Our local judge was on the state court decision, and wrote the opinion, ) While it sounds like something both fishy and wrong is going on, chances are, it's legal, and if the OP pursues it, SHE could actually end up being cast in a bad light by making accusations against the dad(it could be construed as custodial interference, not wanting him to have his visitation, etc), especially if the custody fight has already been ugly. It really is a VERY, VERY touchy area, and not the "OMG, call the police! He's abusing your child!" situation that it SHOULD be, and is here on MDC.
Good luck, OP. Keep documenting, and get as much OUTSIDE documentation as you can, talking/reporting this to your lawyer, mediator, etc.

[Oubliette8]

I would take your son to a good child psychologist with experience with child abuse and custody issues. I would not question your son any farther yourself. The counselor will talk with your son and it will help determine what is going on. They are mandated reporters and generally have a good grasp of what constitutes child abuse in their area, what CPS will act on, and may be able to direct you to legal resources if needed. It will also create an independent third-party expert opinion official record of the accusation, which is important if it goes any further.

I would also talk to your lawyer about it. You may be able to remedy it legally even if its not technically abuse in your state.

The other posters are correct, it is possible to beat a child with a paddle and not leave marks. Some kids don't bruise easily. And red marks can fade with a matter of hours. I think in some states there is actually a time given when defining marks- red marks present after x number of hours constitutes abuse, but red marks that fade before that do not. I assume your ex has your son for a period of time, so its possible that there are marks that simply fade before anyone sees them.