*~*'~* January 2010 - New Year - New Love - New DATING ADVENTURES *~*'~*

[Butterflymom]

Leaving all cat pee mishaps squarely behind in 2009, let's set our caps in the direction of a new year, a new beginning, and new possibilities for love interests that come out way and catch out eye.

from a skype chat between two of your favorite MDC dating mavens....


Question of the Month:

[12/30/2009 4:31:14 PM] sugarmoon says: what's the question??
[12/30/2009 4:31:14 PM] Butterflymom says: you'll appreciate it

"When things look sort of promising and get off to a great start and you're seeing the long term potential and getting cautiously hopeful, how do you keep yourself from getting PREMATURELY carried away in your mind, planning many many steps down the line, and envisioning a long term future with a guy and getting your hopes WAY WAY WAY too high and setting yourself up for major disappointment?"
[12/30/2009 4:34:18 PM] sugarmoon says: ha.
[12/30/2009 4:34:25 PM] Butterflymom says: i.e. "love is risky business and how do we play it safe?"
[12/30/2009 4:34:27 PM] sugarmoon says: short answer: no effing idea!
[12/30/2009 4:34:37 PM] Butterflymom says: or i.e. " is there such thing as really safe sex??? emotionally speaking??"
[12/30/2009 4:34:49 PM] sugarmoon says: sugar's strategy, for better or worse? throw it all at him, right away, and seed if he runs?
[12/30/2009 4:34:56 PM] Butterflymom says: GOD that is what I do
you know that's what I do.
[12/30/2009 4:35:13 PM] sugarmoon says: this is sort of my strategy with "dry clean only" clothes as well -- I run them through my washer and dryer, right off
[12/30/2009 4:35:32 PM] sugarmoon says: if they survive great, if not, well, at least I wasn't attached to that item before I wrecked it

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

"When things look sort of promising and get off to a great start and you're seeing the long term potential and getting cautiously hopeful, how do you keep yourself from getting PREMATURELY carried away in your mind, planning many many steps down the line, and envisioning a long term future with a guy and getting your hopes WAY WAY WAY too high and[B] setting yourself up for major disappointment?

This is what I have learned... for myself, based on my own reflection, history and who I am:

1. I HAVE to deintensify the beginnings of a potential relationship. I have a history of just putting ALL of my energy into a potential relationship before I truly even know the man. It is like all objectivity goes flying out the window and I lose sight of what I want and immediately start justifying his actions (or lack of actions) and make excuses for him. Not acceptable. In the beginning, all the matters should be what I want and need.

Two of the best ways I am finding that are helping me to deintensify the beginnings: a) dating more than one person at a time; b) keeping myself busy and my life full of things I am interested in and wanting to learn about or explore.

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

sugarmoon says: this is sort of my strategy with "dry clean only" clothes as well -- I run them through my washer and dryer, right off
sugarmoon says: if they survive great, if not, well, at least I wasn't attached to that item before I wrecked it

My only problem with this strategy is I cannot afford to buy clothes with such a risk, especially if I know I cannot afford the dry cleaning bills.

Therefore, I would much rather read the label, accept it for what it is and then decide... is this good a match for me, my budget and my lifestyle? If not, I move on. If it is a piece of clothing that just sweeps me off my feet, then I need to step back, perhaps try on a couple of other machine-washable potentials that are comparable.

If I still feel like that dry-cleaned piece is amazing and I keep coming back to it... then, I need to look at my budget again and see where I am willing to compromise or sacrifice something else for the dry-cleaning bill. If I cannot compromise or sacrifice something else... then, I got to let go of the dry-clean only piece of clothing and move on.

Man, I cannot believe I just wrote 3 paragraphs comparing potential men to dry-cleaning. I think I have lost my mind!

[mumblemama]

I FINALLY KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS!

I don't dry clean anything.

[Seie]

Dry clean. As in never. But Holland I like your comparisons - And Sugarmoon - that was a great metaphor to begin with
Happy Newyear to all. I am having a pretty pathetic new years even - kids with dad - I was supposed to have been visiting a friend, but her sis is sick and she needed to spend newyears on her sickbed So I am on my own. Thinking as usual about my lost love Not so great.
I have had 4 weeks of no contact and it is starting to bother me. What should I do ladies. The first plan was to wait around four weeks, and by then the plan was for me to be doing a whole lot better, and be ready to meet up with him all lovely looking and radiant with positive energy. Geez! So realistically that wont happen anytime soon. But I am still really stuck on the way things ended so suddenly and abrubtly. I feel like I need to talk with him - I don't know. I may be deluding myself into hoping that it really is just all a bad dream. But - Either way this no contact thing is - very hard. But on the other hand I have kind of allowed myself to contact him - I just don't know how or what to say. Part of me wants to make him understand how broken I am, part of me wants to call him and be all interested in him and pleasent to talk to, and part of me fears I will just have a breakdown right there on the phone talking to him, or that I will start begging him to give us a second chance - blah. What should I do? What should I say?

Part of me still feels like all this can't be really happening.
How pathetic - here I am babbling about heartbreak on newyears eve. Goodness.. I need a life again..! So let that be my new years resolution - to get a life back. Happy newyear ladies..

[Holland73]

Seie... I am going to be very straight-forward with you.

I am so very, very sorry you are hurting. But, I know -- deep in my heart -- that once you come out of this darkness, and YOU WILL come out of this darkness, I know you will find exactly what you are looking for in a man.

Please DO NOT contact him, it will only hurt you worse than you are already hurting.

Chances are...

1. He might not even talk to you, which will just feel like more rejection.
2. He will be very cold, distant and/or disconnected, which is incredibly painful to deal with.
3. If he does show any sympathy/compassion, it will be from guilt... not because he genuinely wants you back. You do not want someone to come back to you out of guilt, because it will just cycle back to where you now.

Yes, you do need a life! You do need to nurture yourself. Think of something you are interested in or always wanted to learn, then go get it. Turn all of the sadness, negative energy into something for you.

One of my favorite authors, Susan Piver, is releasing a new book in January 2010 called "Wisdom of a Broken Heart." Check out her blog with excerpts from her book: http://www.susanpiver.com/wordpress/...-broken-heart/

[Holland73]

Seie: I tried to PM you, but your mailbox is full.

Anyway...

Check out the excerpts from the site I posted above. If you think the book would help you, please let me know and I will send you a copy of it immediately, as it has already been released. Just pm me your address.

This author has helped me a lot with her writing. Her excerpts from her Broken Heart book were particularly helpful for me when I was going through my own recent break-up.

[Seie]

Holland thanks. I really appreciate your concern. I dont know about coming out of darkness and finding the right man and all that. I believed in it before all this. Back then I was whole. I felt like I was in a good healthy place to start a relationship - I felt at peace with myself - all that stuff. And when I met my lost love I felt like - this is what I deserve - I met this wonderful perfect man because I was emotionally ready. But what becomes of me now that I am not in such a place anymore. Now I feel damaged, broken. That whole person - just feels gone. I was in an abusive relationship before. I not only survived - I left with dignity, with my children and after leaving I felt I was a stronger, better more mature person. I felt I could do anything - take on anything. That didn't break me - he didn't break me despite years of effort to do so. But this time - this man - he just snapped his fingers once, and I broke. Just like that.
I appreciate your honesty. I probably suspect all the things you wrote and that is likely why I haven't contacted him. I still just can't make sense of it all. It doesnt fit together. The way he behaved before breaking up - the weeks before - the things he said and did - none of it matched us not being together. I just do not get it. I can't fit it in my head - it just doesnt make any sense at all

Sorry to be going on and on. Leaving it at that.. I emptied my PM box by the way..

[2littles]

seie: I totally am right there with you well actually I would say on the other side. I have the daily contact with the man whom I still love but who is leaving me. I would say it is AWFUL. Holland73 hit the nail on the head of what I am going though on a daily basis, some days it is happy to see me, others mean and cold, but most of the time it is just plain and bland. I wish he would just GO and be GONE. I love him so much still but having him around daily has actually made my body go haywire (I posted about it today in another thread). I would say thanks that he is gone for you, I know a lot is left unanswered but even if he was around trust me those things would still go unanswered and you would only get more and more hurt. Go into the new year trusting that "you cannot control him or his actions" no matter how he decides to live you will still be you and you need to take care of you. I agree find something that you have always wanted to do and start that next week, get lost in a new activity that is just for you!

[Butterflymom]

Happy New Year everyone.

Off to London in 12 hours. to meet Soothing Southerner from Florida, Dark Harvard Hottie, Music Man from Long Island, and two others (one more american, and one english guy). So many dates lined up in the coming 6 days.....

[Butterflymom]

Originally Posted by Holland73

Two of the best ways I am finding that are helping me to deintensify the beginnings: a) dating more than one person at a time;

: :

[momanderson]

Seie- I hope the new year brings you peace and healing.

Butterfly Have fun with all these dates! Can't wait to hear all about them!

As for the question of the month, my answer would have to be I wish I knew how to turn off my over active imagination, I am always day dreaming! I am always putting the cart miles ahead of the horse in my mind. It is something I am going to try to work on in the new year. To live more in the moment, not the distant potential future.

I've exchanged a few messages now with the 45 year old from plenty of fish. I need to give him a good nick name! His screen name there is mudpuppy. No idea what the meaning behind it is. He works in public health in the environmental safety department ( they do water testing and all the food safety stuff) My friend called him artsy fartsy based on his liking films a the film club and live music. Any name ideas? or should I jus call him mudpuppy?

I am not sure what is up with my HH neighbour, haven't heard a peep from him since Monday. Not that that is really a long time, but it feels like forever! I know he's been working and has the kids this week which usually = no contact but for some reason this week the lack of contact is unnerving. Maybe cause my x is being a particular pain and it would be nice to see a somewhat familiar and always friendly face and maybe have a hug

It is almost the new year here now! I wish all my fellow single Hot Mamas a wonderful new year! Hope 2010 brings great things to all of us, be that healing, peace, romance, whatever your hearts desire New year New beginings!!!

[sugarmoon]

Holland, does it affect the metaphor if I point out (as I did to Butterfly in our original conversation) that I almost only buy clothes from thrift stores where everything cost $1-$3 only? So not much is lost if I wreck something right away. Go on, carry that metaphor over to men, I dare you!

Seriously though. I know it is maybe not the best strategy, and I admittedly have rather limited dating experience. There have only been 2 guys I've liked enough to have that "mind goes immediately to fantasies with picket fences" kind of experience with since my divorce. The first was Complications, the second is ATG (of course ). With Complications, I spent a great deal of effort shielding him from the craziness of my life -- he knew a lot of it, of course, since he and I met only 4 weeks after my ex dropped the bomb, and I was pretty raw, but he never crossed paths with my ex, in any form, never met my kids, except for seeing me nurse a sleeping baby, once or twice, and it was very much about whether I could fit into his life, rather than whether he could fit into mine (or if I'd even want him to, really).

With ATG, less than a week after we met, he had to listen to me being screamed at on the phone (and called back repeatedly, every time I hung up) by my ex. I really thought he might not call me again after that, and at first I was really upset and kicking myself for not planning it better to ensure that that hadn't happened. But then I realized that my UAV ex is a big piece of the reality of my life, and having a man in my life who will only stay around on the condition that he doesn't have to ever be exposed to that would only be an added stress. So while I certainly didn't, and wouldn't, deliberately create a situation like that, in the end, it was sort of good to just get it out there in the open, early.

And I realize that is all slightly off from the question, but it all ties in for me. It is related to what Holland was talking about, about looking for who I want, not making it all about what he wants. I am happy that ATG is seeing my life as it really is. I am continually amazed, and thrilled!, that he keeps coming back for more. I don't know what will happen, and certainly my imagination gets ahead of reality at times, but at least I know we are relating in a very REAL way.

Does any of that make any sense??? I have no idea.

Happy New Year, mamas! I realized that my entire marriage, save for the first 9 months we dated, can be fit into the last decade. So I'm packing that all away into a metaphorical box, marking it 2000-2009, and putting it on a shelf, to make room for what ever will happen in the next 10 years.

[Kino]

Happy New Year!

I'm on the net My partner is in London visiting his family for ten days. At the time he bought his ticket I wasn't able to travel. Excited to hear about your London adventures Butterflymom!

[whatta_mam]

Happy New Years fellow single mamas!
You were all so busy on the December thread- and I wanted to join in but was inhibited... but I have been trying to catch up- I was surprised to hear Holland and her own personal Dr Drew broke up But dang girl! you have such a healthy attitude about everything I really admire you.

sooooooo anyway-
New Year, new user name for me, since dd's father was stalking me on here last year. So now I can join in...

I have 2 interesting prospects that I found thru okcupid that want to meet me for tea and coffee.

1st is quite the jokster, same age as me- single dad with 8 yr old and 4 yr old. Never serious in his emails to me, likes to tease and poke fun... I actually initiated contact with him as he has a to die for smile and arms like you wouldn't believe. It is so unlike me as I am shy, but he was in my quiver file so I went for it. Have been emailing back and forth for a couple of months. We have spoken on the phone once and I finally pinned him down by asking if he was ever serious and he said he can be. Found out we have a lot in common. He wants to meet up Saturday, but I am busy, so it is postponed. Our dialog with each other is light and fun.

2nd is a photographer that I actually have admired earlier this year when I stumbled across his flickr account on a random google search. I spent hours one weekend afternoon looking through his photos while enjoying my coffee, It is quite serendipitous that he found me on okcupid. He sent me a wink and when I saw his profile I knew it was him. I feel he has disadvantage as I know so much about him & he knows so little about me- even though my profile is very specific to who I am- I did tell him about looking at his photos earlier this year and he was quite "flattered" that I spent so much time looking and also quite "humbled" when I told him a particular series of his shots inspired me to do a similar shoot with my dd. He has 1 grown child and is older than I usually look for , so I would have never found him on my searches. I actually found his blog after he contacted me and now I know even more about him. I feel like a fly on the wall of his life... lol He had a blog entry on signing up for okcupid and that he is interested in having coffee with a few woman on there... he mentioned "one in *my town*" and some other towns, then said he was most interested in the Oakland ones, which was not me... Then I wondered if maybe it was Holland73 lol...

Anyway- I have been on my own for so long- and haven't had a real date or met anyone new in quite a LONG time... I am talking 12-ish years. I am a little nervous about the meetups.

You younger gals inspire me Even the broken heart stories- I am sorry some of you are hurting so bad. It took a long time for me to feel ok being alone and I have been in that place for awhile now. Keep your chin up and be kind to yourselves.

[Butterflymom]

I'm on the plane. DHH tonight, Soothing southerner this weekend, music man wednesday.... I'm so excited to sit back and audition them!

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by whatta_mama

But dang girl! you have such a healthy attitude about everything I really admire you.

Ah, that is so sweet. Thank you!

[Holland73]

Ok, I have a date this afternoon with D.

We had been emailing since right before Xmas, but he was in LA with his family. After playing phone tag for a couple of days, we finally got to talk on the phone yesterday afternoon.

It was one of the best conversations I have had with a man on the phone in YEARS!!! We could have kept talking for hours... it was awesome!

I felt so comfortable just being me, which has a lot more to do with all the personal growth/time alone/serious reflection I have been enduring lately, than it had to do with him.

He is older than me, by about 8.75 years -- he just turned 45 on Dec. 30, I am 36 (Sept). But, he does not look it, based on his pictures, and he is very physically fit/active. He is also very artistically inclined, particularly in music. He is workforce developer for upcoming, independent media artists, such as musicians/bands, graphic designers, artists, etc.

So... we are meeting this afternoon at the SF ferry building to spend the afternoon, perhaps evening, in SF.

I am really excited, but most of all... I feel so relaxed, easy-going and confident in myself, regardless of the outcome.

[mumblemama]

Holland, good luck w/ your date! Sounds promising. I didn't realize you were in the same state as me.

Excited to hear about Butterflymom's new dates, too!

whatta_mama, welcome (back?). 2nd guy sounds like an interesting way of meeting.

I don't know what I should do, if I should just jump back into dating or not. It certainly passes the time at least, but mostly seems exhausting as of late and always the same thing. I shouldn't be feeling so melancholy on this new year! *sigh*

[goodygumdrops]

Hey ladies,

I'm so excited that I just needed to share. Last night, I had the most glamorous evening at this amazing hotel in South Beach. They had a huge new years party...tickets were 300 each. Anyway, my friends and I got to go for free and had so much fun. I ended up meeting a cutie and making out until 7 in the morning. He was the first man I've kissed other than my husband in 7 years or so.

Crazy and incredibly amazing. He gave me his number because he's going to be in town until the 5th. Should I call?

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by goodygumdrops

Hey ladies,

I'm so excited that I just needed to share. Last night, I had the most glamorous evening at this amazing hotel in South Beach. They had a huge new years party...tickets were 300 each. Anyway, my friends and I got to go for free and had so much fun. I ended up meeting a cutie and making out until 7 in the morning. He was the first man I've kissed other than my husband in 7 years or so.

Crazy and incredibly amazing. He gave me his number because he's going to be in town until the 5th. Should I call?

Sure... why not? Go have some fun!!!