how best to deal with hitting and throwing in the moment

[coleslaw]

I'm not talking about how prevent or how to deal with the aftermath, but when my 3yo throw something at me or another family member (in anger) or hits us or pinched or whatever - generally trying to harm us in some way - how would you react in that moment. Yes, I'm trying to prevent (adjusting diet, etc.), yes I know how to apologize for anything I have done wrong in the moment and have a discussion afterward for him on what he did. But how would you react in the moment? He's flipping out, out of control, thowing big things at my 9yo dd, screaming at the cats, pinching me as I try to take him out of the room so as not to harm anyone else. Now, I yell (not as much as before, but I still do becasue I'm scared, frustrated, etc.), I grab him (usually too hard) and take him out of the room (holding on to him in the room doesn't work). I don't like it, so that's why I'm here asking. I also worry about the best way to handle it, not just for him, but knowing my older dd is watching too. She's getting hurt and I feel the need to show her that I care that she's getting hurt. I don't always have the time to go to her, becasue he wont' stop until I get him out of there. She's complained that I don't make sure she's OK. Does anyone get what I'm saying? Am I making any sense? I would appreciate any thoughts. My dd wasn't like this and I was very good at keeping my temper in check and never laying a hand on her. He pushes every button I have when he gets like this. (It's mostly due to dyes and lack of sleep as far as I can tell, if that helps.)

[PaisleyStar]

I would pick him up instantly, CALMLY, and carefully, and take him into another room.

I would have a room/space where he can go and not hurt himself/break stuff, and make sure he knows that is where he goes when he loses control of his body.

If he wants you there & it helps him calm down quicker & he won't hurt you, stay with him if you want.... If you already know it won't help (I have one kid who really just wants to be left alone when distraught: trying to talk to/touch him really makes it much worse; he has a system; goes to his small, safe room when out of control & stays there alone with his lovely which helps him calm down--that is what works for him & us), give yourself permission to stay nearby to give him lots of loves and a quick review once he calms down and can rejoin.

Once you become confident in a plan of action, you won't have to lose your temper because you'll both know exactly what to expect. It is not unloving to protect your older child, your pets, youself, and at the same time show your younger child that there are limits and boundaries.

I know some ppl here will not agree with me, but I don't think it's ok to let kids physically hurt people. In our home, you can FEEL however the heck you want to: you can cry, shout about it, punch some pillows, leap around, talk, whatever, but you are still responsible to control your body from harming people/breaking things. My more volital (sp?) kid feels safer, as well, knowing the routine for when he loses control. I'm sure its' scary for them to have that loss of control as well, and knowing what will happen (calmly taken to, or asked to go (or both) to a safe place where they can regain control is comforting as well.

[PaisleyStar]

Ps. Re reading; in your case, I would designate one room that is a good place to generally take him to while he cools off. I would make sure he CAN NOT hurt himself in there easily (obv, he can hit his head on the wall or something if he really tries), and have a little chat with him while things are going well & he is happy and calm, so he knows what to expect & can absorb/process BEFORE the moment of passion where he is hurting and you are yelling, y/k?. ''I know you get really frustrated honey, it's ok to FEEL that way, but you have to learn how to control your body bc when you do XYZ it hurts ABC. We don't want to hurt XYZ/ABC. Next time you are using your body to hurt ABC/break 123 (etc), mommy is going to put you into this room where you will be safe and you can calm down. I love you very much and I want you to be safe and I want you to learn to control your body and I want ABC/XYZ to be safe too. ((if you think it's better to stay with him, interject that here, otherwise something like,)) I will be right here by the door waiting for when you calm down & we can work together to solve the problem'' (whatever he was freaking out over in the first place).

The end result, of course, is that they feel more in control by knowing what to do when they *FEEL* themselves losing it. My 4 y/o often takes himself away when he feels himself getting out of control, bc he knows he needs to calm down ; he will grab his lovey and run to his room to get ahold of himself. If he could do that in our presence, I would be fine with that too, but kids are individuals too; he really can't, or it takes much longer, or someone gets hurt.

...BTW, this only applies to VIOLENCE. If he is upset about something and not being violent (if he is on the verge, I can help him snap out of it sometimes by urging him to ask for help/etc BEOFRE he escalates to violence, and I also make sure if I notice he's having a lot of episodes of losing it, I pay closer attention to what is going on. Is he feeling ok? What has he been eating? Does he just need some extra attention or love today?), or if he is crying etc, he does not get sent away. Just wanted to clarify that. In our home it's not a 'go to your room until you can act perfect', it's a 'go to your room until you are not actively hurting people and breaking things'.