Feeling like a single parent

[kgreenemama]

This isn't exactly the perfect place to post, but I couldn't find a better one, and I believe this audience deals with a similar type of stress that I'm feeling right now.

Honestly, I'm happily married. My husband commutes 100 miles to work, leaving me and our 20-month-old DS alone for 3-4 days each week. We deal relatively well with that. However, he was in an accident last May, and has had three surgeries and is still on crutches. He's been working from home, so he's been around more often, but he cannot help out around the house.

Today he asked me to make a sandwich for him and I nearly threw it at him.

He says I'm being unsympathetic. But I'm just getting tired. And resentful. And not very nice.

There will be an end to this, I know. But in the meantime, I cannot keep up with a full-time job (teaching English, so I tow work home to do after DS goes to bed), nearly all the housework, all of the parenting, plus caring for DH's needs that he can't fulfill himself (not to mention all the holiday goings-on that were left entirely to me). When I come home from a long week of work to find that he's propped himself on the sofa and has been watching DVDs between work tasks, I just can't keep doing it. And keep a smile on my face.

Am I neglecting "in sickness and in health"? I'm curious how other parents have dealt with a disproportionate division of household/parenting work (which, in any relationship, tends to be a point of contention, right?!) I'm rereading this now, feeling like a whiner. These issues pale in comparison to what other families face. My apologies if this sounds like a pity party. But if you have had similar spousal conflicts, I'd be grateful. Thank you!

[meandmine]

Hi!

Yep, this is why when mine moved out -- it wasn't very different. He didn't do much to contribute when we were together.

I think you might want to post in the Parents as Partners forum -- that might be a good spot to get relevant feedback.

M

[Dandelionkid]

No- you aren't out of line at all. I think that if he can stand on crutches and move even a little he needs to be doing something to help out. Usually movement is recommended by physio and doctors after injury or the loss of muscle mass makes the problem worse. He needs to do something to help you. Even if it is small. Perhaps you two could have a talk about resentment, fatigue etc. and what small jobs he can start helping with.

[mamalisa]

So you've been taking care of three people, working full time and maintaining the house/grocery/life of your entire family single handed for 7 months??? Um, yea, I think you have every right to be a little tired, a little fed up and a little resentful. But those feelings aren't going to help or change the situation!

Can you find things that will make life easier for you until your dh is healthy? For some people it might be a cleaning lady, delivered groceries, sending the laundry out, or a mother's helper.

My dh traveled the first two years after we moved away from the area we had lived in our whole lives. It was awful because when he was home, he was a like a houseguest. Didn't help out ("Hey, you look like you've got it all under control!"), didn't know where anything was ("I'm never, here, how do I know where the spoons go?") and generally treated home like another hotel. It sucked so bad. Finally the travel cut down and he actually became part of the family again. But it was a really hard time, feeling like I was on my own no matter what. But at least I had a financial backer

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by kgreenemama

Am I neglecting "in sickness and in health"?

I am having a hard time with "for better or worse" right now, but you are not called to endure "sickness and health" with a smile on your face and without having any feelings about it. It just means that you will stay through it all. And it sounds like you plan to do that!

I think for one thing, I would figure out what your dh can do to help you. Because even if it's a meager amount, I'm sure just the fact the he's doing SOMETHING would go a long way to helping ease the resentment. Does he have some chores that he's doing? I'm thinking folding laundry. That's a big job that I hate to do and would totally appreciate help with.

Next, do you know how long this situation is going to last? If you do, I would figure out ways to get yourself through it. Do you take time out for yourself? Make a weekly date with yourself. A favorite of mine, after I get the kids in bed, I head out to a book store for a treat and some quiet time with some good books. It makes me feel refreshed to have that time away from the messy house and noisy family. And it gets you away from the husband that is there all.the.time!

My dh works from home and works about 80 hours per week. So I feel like a single mom too alot of the time. He does do his fair share of housework, but that is because we sat down and we decided what he could/would do that would help me the most and that were not too time sensitive. And I try to get out by myself so I can continue to feel like more than just a mom and a maid!

[JessicaS]

I am moving this to Parenting. The OP does not have access to Parents as Partners yet.

[lindberg99]

Is your DH in a lot of pain? I know that crutches can be a PITA but people do manage. Do you think he's kind of malingering? I was on crutches in March and I still managed to get the laundry done (but DH had to carry it upstairs), cook dinner & do dishes (I brought a bar stool out in the kitchen to sit on), take the kids to the library, etc. I even went grocery shopping and drove around in one of those little scooters. That was just from foot surgery so I'm sure it's nowhere near your DH's situation but I'd think he could do some things. ie, folding laundry like someone said.

I don't know how your finances are right now but how about hiring a cleaning person for a while? Or what about getting a Roomba? Then your DH could get the vacuuming done while you were at work. That was one thing I couldn't do while on crutches but I could have used the Roomba (we didn't have it then though)

Have you sat down and had a talk with your DH about this? I think you need to tell him your stretched past the breaking point and he needs to do something to help out as much as he can.

[NellieKatz]

If he's on crutches then he can do things sitting down, right? When he asked for a sandwich, you could bring him the bread, mayo, meat, cheese and a knife (keep a tray handy in the kitchen for this) & say "go to it!" You could also bring him things to chop and stir (for dinner or to freeze for other meals)--this is a hugely time-consuming task....and the same with other sedentary tasks.

And let the housework suffer for a while. Lower your standards while he's on crutches. Seriously! You're in a rough patch but this will pass and he will be up & around eventually.

[lilyka]

I think this is worse than being a single parent. I am telling you, my life got significantly easier when the xh moved out....just saying. not to mention he is home all the time contributing to the work load but not helping out.

so, how to keep your sanity, care for your injured husband, and your child and your job.

first breath. you do not have to do it all. you can let house keepiong slide for a while until he is back on his feet. if he complains there is plenty he can do when he is not working. read to baby. fold laundry. pay bills. help you grade papers or something. sit on a stool in the kitchen and make dinner. I launched into true single motherdom while on crutches. I did not have anyone to make me a sandwhich. if he is well enough to be on cruthces he is well enough to help out around the house. if he is having trouble adjusting call an occupational therapist for a consult.

could you hire someone to come in once a a week and help out? I am a huge fan of the cleaning lady. huge fan. Therapy costs about $100 an hour. my divorce lawyer cost $200 an hour. cleaning lady....about $50. you do the math.

[a-sorta-fairytale]

I am on the other side of this
I am feeling horrible with this pg. I get dizzy when i stand or walk or move too fast. I can not go into the kitchen - any food smell makes me so sick.

Dh makes breakfast before he leaves for work, then he works all day, then he comes home and has to do any food prep and dishes. I feel bad for the guy.

We have found ways for me to do stuff. he brings me all the laundry and i fold it on the couch, i go through the mail on the couch, etc. I can sit on the couch with the kids and read books to keep them occupied while he cleans. It is hard but at the most we know we only have a few more months to go.

Maybe he just needs help finding ways to help. Like a pp said he can chop veggies, make sandwiches, stir up batter, fold laundry, pay the billls etc all while sitting.

[BrittneyMarie]

i feel where youre coming from, and think you have every right to be upset. just because he cant stand doesnt mean he can't help. he can fold laundry, do dishes if you have a tall chair, help prepare meals, etc.

And I soooo know what you mean about watching him watch tv. when dh was laid off and still not helping at all around the house or with dd, every time i saw him playing playstation when he couldve been applying for jobs or doing something to help, i visualized myself grabbing the playstation and throwing it through a window/at his head. its so irritating!

[Addy's Mom]

Another vote for a cleaning service, perhaps having groceries delivered, more stuff to the dry cleaners vs. your doing the ironing, etc. Anything you can contract out the better. I know money becomes an issue, but your welbeing is very important too, and you've got a lot on your plate right now.

Also have a discussion with him saying you need some help. You understand he can't do everything right now because of his injuries, but ask what "can" he do to help out? (Like can he do his own laundry? Be responsible for one family meal a day?)

[kgreenemama]

THANKS, MOMS! I knew you'd help!

I so appreciate the sincere, intelligent (and funny) responses to my husband's temporary disability. We're trying some of those things, but sometimes I still feel overwhelmed. You've given me some more tactics to cope. Admittedly, I'm a temperamental girl, prone to flying off the handle and expecting too much, particularly expecting DH to KNOW when I'm getting stressed. I need to TELL him before the ham and cheese ends up on his face. Thanks again. I appreciate your time and thoughtfulness! CHEERS!

[yemango]

is there a Parenting as Partners section? where is it??

i need help too, and kgreenmama im so glad you posted this. we have some similarities in our situations and reading yours from the outside made me realize how incredibly strong we women are.

lilyka, id love to hear more about what youre experience is. i want to post my own dilemma but dont know where to do so.

[meandmine]

Under Family Life there is a tribe: Parents as Partners

I don't go there because my stbx is my stbx, but I understand it is a very lively forum.

M

[Blueone]

My husband is in the army and works really long hours. Just this last 2 weeks he had block leave and it took us a week and a half to finally get a decent work together schedule down, then he goes back to work and will be deploying in March.

It's hard, I stay home all day and because his car broke down we only have 1 car and it goes to him. I don't work though, so it's a bit easier. Regardless it takes a lot of work to get a good work together schedule down.

Have you talked with him at all about how you are feeling? It wasn't until I told my husband that I felt like he didn't respect the work I did (I tried as calmly as I could) before he really started to help out regularly. I'd wait until you both are calm and then approach it with "I" statements with no blaming. Blaming will just shut them down. What I do is do all the blaming in a journal or my head to get it out before approaching him so that it doesn't come out.

Oh, it turns out he did respect the amount of work I did. He just responded in a guys way which is "until you ask I don't know." He did start making an effort to notice the areas I needed help with after that talk because I stated that if he noticed I wouldn't always have to ask for help.