I have to sneak out of the house when leaving or DD (3 yo) is hysterical

[acupuncturemomma]

It feels wrong to be sneaky but there's just no reasoning with her. She will literally pull on my leg and sob if I so much as try to take a 20-minute jog around the neighborhood!

I'm on a mission to get more exercise (any exercise) and don't know how to deal with this.

Obviously, I don't leave her very often. Maybe she'll just adjust? But how do I get away without a traumatic scene?

[Bug-a-Boo's Mama]

Has she always been like this or is it new? I know DS is going through a clingy phase, but it is more just when we are out. Does distraction work at all?

[noobmom]

Are you leaving your DD with your husband? Or is it a babysitter?

My DS usually gets upset when I go out with friends. It's worse if it's an evening thing--although he never wants me to go, day or night. I never sneak out. I'd just rather he know I left and I leave my DH to comfort him. Don't drag things out, just give girl her a hug and kiss and tell her you'll be back in 20 minutes (or whatever). I personally think it's the best way to do things. If you continue to sneak out I would think that might make her fearful and clingy while you are at home (esp if you start having a routine--she might notice you suddenly disappear every day at 3pm, or after you get your gym clothes on, or whatever).

I have left before when DS was asleep and I do feel kinda bad about that, but I'm not waking a napping child to tell him I'm leaving!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Its typical for the age, but sneaking out will backfire and prolong it. She'll become even more concerned that she has to keep you constantly in her sight lest you disappear.

I had the same issues with my DD (still do to some extent, she just turned 5). Here is what worked: Make sure whoever is going to be with her while you are gone is very engaged with her BEFORE you leave, and they are having fun. With my DH, he would try to step in "cold" (e.g. hadn't been playing with her and I had) and it just didn't work. Be sure to say goodbye, leave fast (don't prolong it).

Better yet, get a jogging stroller and take her with you if she so chooses. That is what I did when she was that age.

[Kailey's mom]

Same here with my 3 yr old Dd. She'll freak if I just go to the mailbox without her. I'm a first time mom, so I thought it was normal I only leave her for short periods with dh, or my mom ( She freaks and they have to hold her, or she'll run out of the house after me)

[acupuncturemomma]

Originally Posted by Bug-a-Boo's Mama

Has she always been like this or is it new? I know DS is going through a clingy phase, but it is more just when we are out. Does distraction work at all?

She's always been like this, I guess, although I have hardly ever left her!

Originally Posted by noobmom

Are you leaving your DD with your husband? Or is it a babysitter?

Leaving her with DH.

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Its typical for the age, but sneaking out will backfire and prolong it. She'll become even more concerned that she has to keep you constantly in her sight lest you disappear.

I had the same issues with my DD (still do to some extent, she just turned 5). Here is what worked: Make sure whoever is going to be with her while you are gone is very engaged with her BEFORE you leave, and they are having fun. With my DH, he would try to step in "cold" (e.g. hadn't been playing with her and I had) and it just didn't work. Be sure to say goodbye, leave fast (don't prolong it).

Better yet, get a jogging stroller and take her with you if she so chooses. That is what I did when she was that age.

Yeah, makes sense that it'll backfire! DH encourages me sneaking out, partly because he can't handle her getting so upset.
Part of the problem is that she sees me getting ready to go (SMALL house) then by the time I'm ready to be out the door she loses it. Maybe I'll try to be stealthy while getting ready and then leave quickly. So what--I just go while she's pulling on me and freaking out? Ugh--it sucks.

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

Same here with my 3 yr old Dd. She'll freak if I just go to the mailbox without her. I'm a first time mom, so I thought it was normal I only leave her for short periods with dh, or my mom ( She freaks and they have to hold her, or she'll run out of the house after me)

Sounds like we're in the same boat.

[lonegirl]

Tyr (3 as well) Just recently started going through this same thing. He was doing it around 2ish then it passed after a few months...now it is back. The thing with him...if I am going out for an extended period...say work or to the gym he is cool and tells me to have a good day (he stays with daddy). But if I have to run out to the car or mailbox...where he can watch me through the front door....he literally starts freaking! He goes crazy crying, screaming, trying to run outside (in just a tshirt-no pants/shoes etc). He knows daddy is upstairs (I remind him)....it is becoming rediculous.

[4evermom]

I'd use a jogging stroller, myself, if the separation was only for exercising. I didn't jog but I got my exercise with very long walks with ds in the stroller until he was about 4 1/2. If you don't want to go that route or can't afford a stroller investment, I'd try inviting her along (I know, not fun), take her a little ways (to the corner and back or around the block) and then ask her if she wants to keep jogging or play with daddy. I suspect staying with daddy will become more attractive after a while. I'd also try having a special toy or daddy game that daddy does with her when you go out. Then it is less about you going and more about playing dolls (or whatever) with daddy. Dh and ds would play with trains. Ds loved having daddy really focusing and playing with him even though he didn't like me leaving.

[crl]

DS did this. I refused to sneak out, despite some people's urging, because I didn't want to make him feel even more insecure.

We found that he was just fine if he left me though! So, DH would take DS out and then I could leave and there was no upset. Weird, but it worked.

Catherine

[Natsuki]

How long does she stay upset after you leave?

I think it is normal for kids to be upset when their parent leaves, it's a scary thing for them, but sometimes it has to happen so making sure the person she is left with (her dad) is comforting her and reflecting feelings and then reassuring her you will be back in a few minutes is what I would do.

Be consistent, loving, and reassuring but also don't waver or she'll pick up on that and feel even more insecure. Also prep her beforehand (or have DH prep her), even with a clock: "I am going to jog for exercise. Daddy will keep you safe and take care of you. The clock says 6:30 and I will be back before it says 7:00"

[bluebunny]

I guess I don't understand how you've made it three years without leaving her for short periods of time with Daddy. I don't think you should be sneaky. My three-year old is my shadow and sometimes she doesn't want me to go out but I tell her I'll be back and then DH tries to do something fun with her. I tell her I'll be back and when I return she often says, "Mama, you came back!!!!"

I think it is healthy for her to have time with Daddy and short periods of time away from you. Be loving and consistent. Tell Daddy to reassure her that you will come back. Sneaking out communicates to her that you might disappear at any time and breeds insecurity.

[Bea]

Don't sneak out. Just be matter of fact, tell her you're going out and will be back in a little while, then go.

If she has a melt down, and I mean this in the kindest possible way, so what? She cries and yells for a bit. I'm sure she does that a couple of times a day for other issues too. Within a few minutes of you leaving she'll be absolutely fine.

It's a normal response for some children at this age, but you can't become a prisoner in your home to keep her happy 24 hours a day. That's not helping anyone.

[Tjej]

Yeah, don't sneak out and let your DH and her work out a way for him to comfort her. She's 3, they can work it out.

Tjej

[crl]

Originally Posted by Bea

Don't sneak out. Just be matter of fact, tell her you're going out and will be back in a little while, then go.

If she has a melt down, and I mean this in the kindest possible way, so what? She cries and yells for a bit. I'm sure she does that a couple of times a day for other issues too. Within a few minutes of you leaving she'll be absolutely fine.

It's a normal response for some children at this age, but you can't become a prisoner in your home to keep her happy 24 hours a day. That's not helping anyone.

I just want to say that I'm sure most kids are fine within a few minutes, but not all of them are. Mine screamed and cried and was generally hysterical for much longer than that. DH came with DS to find me at the mall a couple of times after DS had continued to cry for over 45 minutes. DH had been trying to console DS that whole time. (And DH is a really good dad--he was truly trying and trying in very appropriate ways to calm DS.) Now, I think DS is outside the norm for this, but it is truly possible. And it sucked. For all of us. Thank goodness he was over it by the time he was about 3, or maybe just a tad older. And thank goodness he would leave me without the fit.

Catherine

[Bea]

Originally Posted by crl

I just want to say that I'm sure most kids are fine within a few minutes, but not all of them are. Mine screamed and cried and was generally hysterical for much longer than that. DH came with DS to find me at the mall a couple of times after DS had continued to cry for over 45 minutes. DH had been trying to console DS that whole time. (And DH is a really good dad--he was truly trying and trying in very appropriate ways to calm DS.) Now, I think DS is outside the norm for this, but it is truly possible. And it sucked. For all of us. Thank goodness he was over it by the time he was about 3, or maybe just a tad older. And thank goodness he would leave me without the fit.

Catherine

I agree there is no one size fits all but in general, most 3 year olds will settle and calm quickly with Daddy when Mommy has left.

I know my own son (2.5 yo) used to be much worse. Now he still cries (as much because he wants to come with me as opposed to not wanting me to go) but by the time I'm reversing down the drive, he's waving with a big grin on his face from the living room window.

There's a sliding scale of acceptance of Mommy going out and usually by 3, the recovery time is fairly short. At a 11 months, I could pop to the store leaving my son with Daddy and he'd be still crying when I returned 25 minutes later.

[acupuncturemomma]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

I'd use a jogging stroller, myself, if the separation was only for exercising.

Not really do-able around here. It's too hilly. Like I live on the side of a 2000' hill! Anyway, I'm also trying to get some much-needed "me time" and am on a training program to get back into running.

Originally Posted by crl

We found that he was just fine if he left me though! So, DH would take DS out and then I could leave and there was no upset. Weird, but it worked.

Catherine

Yes, this is how it's worked in the past. That or DD & DH leaving me never seemed to cause her too much upset.

Originally Posted by Natsuki

Be consistent, loving, and reassuring but also don't waver or she'll pick up on that and feel even more insecure. Also prep her beforehand (or have DH prep her), even with a clock: "I am going to jog for exercise. Daddy will keep you safe and take care of you. The clock says 6:30 and I will be back before it says 7:00"

Thanks. I like your clear approach. Guess I was looking for support and suggestions on exactly how to leave...you know, the gentlest way to peel her off my leg while sobbing hysterically. It just seems wrong that DH will have to hold her down to keep her from running after me!

Originally Posted by bluebunny

I think it is healthy for her to have time with Daddy and short periods of time away from you.

Totally agree.

Originally Posted by Bea

If she has a melt down, and I mean this in the kindest possible way, so what?

It's a normal response for some children at this age, but you can't become a prisoner in your home to keep her happy 24 hours a day. That's not helping anyone.

I guess I just wanted affirmation that she's ok! Again, the whole "peeling her off me sobbing" issue.

Originally Posted by Tjej

Yeah, don't sneak out and let your DH and her work out a way for him to comfort her. She's 3, they can work it out.

Tjej

Well said.

I never intended for us to end up in this unbalanced place, but here we are. Gonna try harder to have more independence from my DS and not make the same mistakes.

[noobmom]

Originally Posted by acupuncturemomma

Yeah, makes sense that it'll backfire! DH encourages me sneaking out, partly because he can't handle her getting so upset.

I hear ya. I think sometimes my DH would prefer I just sneak out too. But I think it's bad in the long run, so I don't do it. I think it's good practice for everyone--including DH.

[acupuncturemomma]

Thanks, all. I got ready for a jog yesterday and then casually & confidently told DD "give me a hug; I'm going out for a quick jog. Be back soon."

It was no problem!

[Tjej]

Yeah!

Tjej