It's possible dh and I are overprotective/over-cautious

[Hoopin' Mama]

I'm trying to look at this objectively w/out using negative words to describe myself or my parenting. I definitely notice that we are much more cautious than many other parents. Perhaps we would be called "helicopter" parents or something. OTOH, I know that we have to parent within our comfort level without worrying what others do.

I should preface this by saying that ds has been out in the wilderness A LOT and we are very at home in the out-of-doors. He also does gymnastics and such, so we are a pretty active family.

OK, Here is an example:

Ds is 5. Today we were at a series of small waterfalls with very slick rocks that were generally at a 30-45 degree angle. If one were to slip down these rocks, you would be tumbling down a very small waterfall and other rocks. A few other children, probably 5 and up, were just hopping around on these rocks (2 of whom were siblings) free as can be. I chose to walk with ds on these rocks and be near him. We were not at all comfortable with him climbing over these water-smoothed slick rocks alone, much less running and jumping. I escorted him up to the biggest waterfall coming off a damn to touch it, and afterward the other kids around his age just ran up and did it themselves. I saw how well the other kids were doing on the rocks and I know ds is pretty agile, but I just couldn't give him free reign on the slick rocks. Then we saw some kids, maybe 6-8 year olds, walking along the damn, which was a rock wall with water coming over it. It was probably 20 feet high. I asked dh when we would be ready to watch our kid do something like that, and he was like, "uh, not for a long, long time".

Another example: There is a club here that hosts family bbq's at night in the summer. The place is fitness/tennis/swim center with a restaurant. We are members, but on bbq nights they open up to the public. The kids all run in packs and play, and there are definitey places they get to where the parents can't see them (in a group of trees, off on a tennis court, etc). Most parents seem to be fine with this, but we really hate it when we can't see ds or don't know where he is. The place is completely fenced in and there are lifeguards at the pool. I am not a paranoid person, but it doesn't seem safe to me to not be able to see him.

Does this sound really overprotective to you? I do think we watch the kid like a hawk. Is this only-child syndrome? I am just interested in a few other perpectives.

Thanks!

[bubbamummy]

I think im probably classed as 'over protective'. I live on an AirForce base and once a month the spouses get together in a building and meet to chat etc. they lock the doors and the kids have 'free run' of this building (which is probably around 10 rooms) the other moms seem TOTALLY fine with their kids running around where they cant see them-even babies as young as 13months. I dont go if I dont have DH to 'baby sit' though. I just cannot allow my son to run around where I cant see him. I think 'what if he catches his fingers in a door'? or 'what if he pulls something huge down on himself' or 'what if he hides and I cant find him' I personally dont see it as an issue, i am his parent and I choose to protect him in that specific way.

Im not the type to run and dust him off if he falls down etc, I do let him take 'risks' where the worst outcome wouldnt be THAT bad. But I have MAJOR issues with not knowing where he is at ALL times. Granted he is only 2, but like I said, there are mothers here who let their MUCH younger kids run around out of sight and I cant see myself changing at all in the foreseeable future.

I have other 'issues' related to that too, NO one babysits for him other than my best friend and family. I am not comfy with calling the local 'high school' kid as MANY of my friends do. He will NOT be riding his bike around the neighborhood alone at 5 years old ...again as MANY of the other people around here allow their kids to do. My parents bought me up the exact same way. I was not allowed to walk to the school bus stop alone until I was 13/14 and I have turned out normal-ish I dont resent my parents for it at all.

I think it probably depends on your upbringing a lot, and I dont see there is anything wrong with how you described that you parent.

[Barefoot~Baker]

If you are overprotective then so am I because I'm with you in every instance here. 1ht now -I'll post more tomorrow

[Just1More]

We watch our kids pretty closely, too. I think the main thing, though, is not how closely you watch them, but how they feel about it. If mine gave an indication they felt I was babying them, I'd back off a bit. That said, I do let them fall and test out what they can do. Like, ds (2.5) has taken to standing on the window sill and holding on to the frame. I just look away. It's going to hurt if he falls, but almost definately it won't be a life-altering experience. Little ice and a little arnica. And I let dd (4.5) jump off a platform 5.5 feet high. It gave me pause, but it was her idea (I happened to catch her just about to do it). She managed it and was quite pleased with herself.

Walking on slippery rocks? What's the worst that could happen? An uncomfortable fall? Or a broken limb far from medical help? Two different things IMO. Walking on a dam 20 feet high with running water equals stupid, IMO. Those kids could have been killed...no lesson there. We also like to take the opportunity to show our kids how to do stuff ahead of time.

For a lot of reasons, we also don't allow our kids to be out of our sight much. Often they THINK they are out of sight, but we are always watching. We don't use a babysitter either. I let my kids walk, together, across 2 roads and a small field from one friend's house to another the other day. There wasn't any traffic, and I could see them the whole way. They felt like big stuff, but there really wasn't any danger there, KWIM?

We encourage them to take risks, and test what they can do, and we give them freedom as they demonstrate skill and maturity. I just feel it's foolhardy to set them up for devastating failure. I don't think my kids feel like I hover, though I think other adults think we are over-protective.

I would have been right with my kids on those rocks, btw, if that helps you guage yourself.

And mine don't run around strange places (WITH SWIMMING POOLS?!?!?!?) by themselves either. And WITH THE GENERAL PUBLIC?!?!?!?!?! unattended. You've got to be kidding me. Our rule, almost always, with some exceptions is: If you can't see me, you've gone too far. Once I did let dd get away with going to far in a corn maze. It was a small one and I was confident she could be easily found (at very the most 100x100 feet). But, she was scared and it really drove the lesson home as to WHY she needed to follow our rule.

[mamazee]

I'd probably have to see the rocks to know how I felt about that. The dam doesn't sound safe for anyone of any age.

The other thing, I wouldn't have to see my dd, even when she was 5, the whole time, but I would be worried about the pool. I wouldn't want her around the pool unless one of us was watching, now at 7 or for a while.

I don't even walk my 7-year-old to the bus stop so I certainly won't walk her when she's 13. And I let my dd wander around part of the neighborhood at 5, but not the whole neighborhood. Her area grows a bit every year.

[Latte Mama]

I would have been right there with my child on the rocks too. I don't see myself as over protective but just right. I do think that some parents may be under protective though.
I helped raise my now 20 yr. old sister and I let her have freedom slowly as she got older. Everything I allowed was age appropriate and what I and her felt comfortable with. I will raise my son the same way.

My DS has already had his share of bumps and bruises and that's ok. He's a little daredevil and it's fine for him to explore the world. But I will try and prevent things that are preventable without hampering his spirit.

[newbymom05]

I agree with everyone else--I guess I'm overprotective too. IMO I'd rather be safe than sorry.

[Drummer's Wife]

I wouldn't call that over-protective b/c I would be the same with the rocks and BBQ situations, and I tend to be pretty permissive/lenient/trusting/risk taking with my kids in many settings. They get quite a bit of freedom and space (especially the 6 & 8 yo) but anything overly dangerous is when I get leery and don't let them have as much slack.

[noobmom]

If you're overprotective, I'll join the club.

A 20 ft high dam? I wouldn't walk something like that myself without a reason (say, to get from one side to the other). Can't you die from a fall like that? Certainly you wouldn't just get up and brush yourself off--I would think a broken bone would be the minimum damage.

I think there's a difference between the chance of getting hurt and bruised versus a chance of death. Actually, I think I draw the line at--how likely would it be that he'd have to go to the ER if he fell.

As for watching kids--I don't like DS to go out of my sight, but he's still only 3 yo. I'm not sure when I'll be comfortable with it.

[momofmine]

I don't think the two situations you describe are overprotective at all. It is dangerous to walk on rocks that have water running over them. We have a waterfall area like that here, that actually has a pretty steep fall in one place and there is a sign absolutely prohibiting people of any age to do it, because the rocks are slick, and it even says how many people have died over the years from doing it. Now, the place you describe doesn't sound that steep, but still, you could slip and hit your head. I would have done the same thing with my 5 yo. And the same thing with needing to see him and know where he is, in a public place, with strangers, and a pool, yes. I would do the exact same thing with my 5 yo, and he is my 2nd child, so not only child syndrome. Now, my 10 yo, I'd probably let him run off and play as long as I knew who he was with and knew the general area where he was.

It's so hard to compare ourselves to others. Really, I think we have to just listen to our own inner wisdom and know that we are making the choices that feel right for our family at that point in time.

[sapphire_chan]

In a couple of years when you go to that waterfall place and you can't walk on the rocks at all because of a fence, it won't be your fault the fence is there.

And 5 is way too young to be without specific supervision. I will say that I'm fine with Lina being in charge of a pre-teen who knows where I am. (Okay, a few specific 10 year olds I know are really great with her and I let them wander off in safe places.) Basically, if you had a friend aged 8-15 or so who you'd trust to spot when it was a good idea to get back to an adult, I could see having them be in charge of bringing your ds back too. If your ds could be trusted to respect the call to come back to you guys.

for instance, I'd probably let Lina at age 5 go off with momofmine's 10yo if he was cool with a tagalong.

[NellieKatz]

You had me at "slick rocks" and "waterfalls." :-)

All the swimming expertise in the world won't help a kid when he's unconscious. I'm with you.

I had a similar situation recently when I finally took my 6 year old boy to a park that is known for its huge granite outcroppings. Rock everywhere...it's the park's main feature. Rocks and crevices. It was a big step to take him there. I feel he is competent now and a pretty good climber. But when he wanted to walk up the smooth steep rock face (up from where I stood...i.e. the fall would be DOWN toward me, a tumble, possible head injury), I swear I didn't breathe the whole time. But the point is that I knew he was wearing the right footwear, the weather & surface were totally dry, I knew I might be able to do a little bit to break a fall (but not much, as my knees are damaged), but all in all it was his competence I was relying on AND I knew it was very important for his self-esteem and his own confidence that I show confidence in him & let him do it. I aged 10 years just watching him but he did it with grace and skill like he'd been doing it all his life.

But if water had been a factor, no way. I think that rocks can be successfully negotiated when wet, but I don't think little kids have the wisdom to know when to leap onto them or just walk carefully, keeping steady and watching their center of gravity. So I'm much more cautious there.

As for him being out of my sight, he knows not to leave a store without me and to bite, scream and raise holy hell if anyone tries to make off with him. I pity the person who tries that. I've been on the receiving end of his holy hell. :-) So anyway yes I do let him go to a different aisle and get groceries or whatever. But if he's not back right away I look for him. And never in a public "event" where there are crowds of kids and strangers, noise, etc (like a carnival or a festival)....it'd be too easy to get bundled off into a van or whatever amid the activity. We were at a First Night event last night and I clung to his coat like grim death lest we get separated. It was a sea of people. I'm sure he was sick of me tugging on him, but oh well.

[lilmom]

None of this sounds overprotective to me. I find myself continuously being shocked at how underprotective I feel many parents are.

BTW, my parents were VERY underprotective of us, to the point that when I was a teenager I realized that they never really protected us from much of anything, whether it be physical dangers or being protected from others who might be harmful. And some pretty terrible things did happen. Not death..but my sister did get abused, and we all had some pretty bad ER-type injuries because we were not being watched and were allowed to basically do whatever.

So I guess for me, I would much rather be cautious, and if that means peopel think I am overprotective, oh well. I really don't care. This is my most precious gift we are talking about here..my baby.

[JL83]

Here's our line. If it is likely to cause serious injury or death, then we hover. If it's only going to cause scrapes, bumps and bruises, we let her do it and learn from her mistakes. She's 3 and so far it's work out fine.

I think we're probably a bit on the relaxed side given that our DD seems to make other parents at the park a bit nervous sometimes. But she's just fine. If she falls a few feet onto sand, the worst that's going to happen is a broken arm. And I'm OK with that. And she learns from the more minor things too. This summer, after fighting with her for weeks about putting on her shoes all the way, she fell and scraped her knee. She still tells me that she's put her feet "all the way" into her winter boots so that she won't fall and get hurt.

At 3, there are often times when we're not right next to her. Never in a "public" situation yet. But we often go to other people's houses and at her age the kids are starting to run off and play in bedrooms or playrooms while the moms have tea in the living room. She's NEVER out of ear shot though. That's more important to me than being in sight.

[Kailey's mom]

Doesn't sound overprotective to me either. On the other hand though, I wish I was able to let dd out of my sight and play with a group of children running around, ya know, harmless kid play.. but around here, there are too many nosey adults that would make a big stink about it, walk over to my kid and ask her "where's your mommy" than dd would flip out and get scared of the weird grown up who started talking to her when she was running around the field with playmates .. playtime ruined.

[pianojazzgirl]

I'd be right with you in both of those situations (as I read them from your description).

[BubbyBooty]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

I'd be right with you in both of those situations (as I read them from your description).

If you are, I deffinatly am. I won't let my kids play outside unless I am right their with them. If I have to go in the house for a min. then they have to come too. You never know who or what is out their watching our kids. I am always scared someone is going to take them or touch them in an innapropriate way. I can't and won't even take that risk.

Sorry for my spelling, I know I suck at it lol.

[BubbyBooty]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

Doesn't sound overprotective to me either. On the other hand though, I wish I was able to let dd out of my sight and play with a group of children running around, ya know, harmless kid play.. but around here, there are too many nosey adults that would make a big stink about it, walk over to my kid and ask her "where's your mommy" than dd would flip out and get scared of the weird grown up who started talking to her when she was running around the field with playmates .. playtime ruined.

Oh my girl. Here it's not nosy adults that I am worried about. I reached to pick up my son from behind me (he was in his jumper) and by the time I turned around the guy next door was asking my kids if they wanted candy and if they wanted to come in his house. My kids are the type that if someone is really nice to them, they call them friends (they are 3 and 4). So you can see why I am so scared and over protective with my kids.

[LynnS6]

If it's likely to cause a visit to the ER, grave bodily harm or brain injury, then I hover. If it's not, then I don't. I'd have to see the rocks to say whether they fit those categories. The dam definitely would be off limits (especially since ds can't swim!)

I'd be OK with the BBQ, but probably only for a kid who's 4-5. I do let my kids 'roam' the neighborhood without me - dd is 5 and can walk around the block. Ds is 8 and can go a couple of blocks down the street to his friend's house. I would let ds walk to the bus stop by himself but he wants us to go with him. Dd gets a bit more freedom at 5 than ds did at the same age because they're often out together, and because they're in a group of kids in the neighborhood.

[StoriesInTheSoil]

I am very very cautious about certain things- heights, water, and cars are kind of my big areas of anxiety. Now, I don't have a 5 year old but I'm thinking in terms of my experience with 5 year olds and saying that the rock thing, I MIGHT back off a little bit if I felt the chance of serious injury was remote AND he expressed a desire for more freedom. The bbq night thing, I definitely think that a kid of that age should be within a parent's line of vision at all times at a crowded event like that. So much could happen. (If it was a small town or something like that, I might allow it though, KWIM?)

The dam thing- I would NEVER allow. The chance of serious injury or death is FAR too high in that situation.

I used to jump off of high cliffs into the water at the lake with my family. I will not ever allow that.

I do make an effort to not hover though. My son is only 17 months old but I will let him play alone in another room with friends when we visit other people's houses. One of his friends is 3.5 and has a bunkbed that he climbs all over and I just told him that he needed to call for my help if my DS tried to climb up on the bed. I know that isn't the best example ever but what I'm saying is that I try to give him safe amounts of freedom to explore while still fulfilling my duty to keep him as safe as possible.