People already being negative

[craft_media_hero]

Well, we've barely even told anyone that we're pregnant, and the few people we've told have gone from being very positive to all of a sudden (and it seems all at the same time) being naysayers about us having the baby at home.

It's very discouraging. I was hoping for some support from the women in my family, but it's not there. I wish I hadn't said anything about it at all and just let everybody assume we'd be going to the hospital until the last month or so. Grrr!

[dogmom327]

Originally Posted by craft_media_hero

Well, we've barely even told anyone that we're pregnant, and the few people we've told have gone from being very positive to all of a sudden (and it seems all at the same time) being naysayers about us having the baby at home.

It's very discouraging. I was hoping for some support from the women in my family, but it's not there. I wish I hadn't said anything about it at all and just let everybody assume we'd be going to the hospital until the last month or so. Grrr!

Time to establish some boundaries. Granted it's hard once you've opened the door but ultimately you may just have to tell people that you've made an informed decision, you've done your research (which they are welcome to do--and if they do you'd be happy to discuss it with them) and they are going to have to trust that you are the reasonable and responsible person they raised you to be.

[Peace+Hope]

you didn't say, so i won't assume either way, that you have presented them with your reasoning and backed it up w/ some basic studies or stats.

i think this was key for me w/ my family, and to be able to openly address their concerns, and not to be surprised or offended by them, and to assume they'd have misgivings or even criticism, and, and, and....

i made my own journey getting here, and didn't bring them along with me, so why not expect to be helping bring them along now?

btw, this is for family, right? you said you want their support. i thought i'd be more selective who i discuss HB with, but i've found i'm not in as fragile state emotionally about it as i had thought i might be, so i'm fine to discuss it with anyone, however negative they are. go with how you are feeling when deciding who you want to open up this can of worms with!

[HisBeautifulWife]

Originally Posted by Peace+Hope

you didn't say, so i won't assume either way, that you have presented them with your reasoning and backed it up w/ some basic studies or stats.

IMO, that implies that the issue is up for discussion when it's not, which can lead to more stress.

I'm all for educating people but I think in a lot of cases (not all), it's best done before or after the pregnancy; not during.

But everyone's mileage will vary.

[vermontmomma]

"the business of being born" was a great resource for us in this kind of situation.

[mamatogirls]

It's a tough situation b/c no matter what you say, most people aren't going to be for homebirth. Society has so much drama attached to birth that people think it's insane. I didn't discuss it with many people my last pregnancy but my family did, which made me really uncomfortable when I ended up having a c-section. I had to tell my mom a couple days ago to please not discuss my birth plans with everybody and their brother this time b/c she was already starting to. I don't want the negativity, I have enough against me. The worst part is she has a friend whose son-in-law is an OB and she told him my history and that I was still planning another homebirth. He basically instilled more fear in her. I asked her why she was discussing me with someone she barely knows and doesn't know me and she said "B/c I'm scared." I said if you want to not be afraid then why don't you ask me for some resources, do the research yourself, etc. Your not going to be reassured by some OB! I will happily tell everyone that I'm having a homebirth once the baby is born!

[laughingfox]

In my experience, a lot of people seem to get angry and defensive because they take your departure from the mainstream as a personal insult to themselves and/or to every woman they know who has given birth in the hospital.
Attempts at educating never seemed to help. No one believed me when I talked about figures, and when I offered to loan books, print studies, etc., absolutely no one took up the offers.

Anyway, congrats! Sorry you're having to deal with so much negativity.

[JenChaffee]

I have ended up not telling many people. I was torn between wanting to be a vocal HB advocate and keeping quiet. I ended up deciding that it was less stressful for me to keep quiet and not deal with everyone else's fears. I have filled people in just enough so that they will not be able to call me a liar.

I did finally fill my mother in on all the details a few weeks ago (I expect to deliver any day, now). She seemed okay, but a week later, she was not okay with it, so I got a long lecture about safety. I almost yelled at her, but figured that would only make her more anxious which would in turn make me more anxious. I think she has almost come to terms with it. At this point, when I talk to her, she merely tells me that she would be more comfortable knowing that I was in the hospital.

I think I will have her read Born in the USA, but by then, I will have delivered these babies.

[at_the_hip]

It depends on who you are telling...not everyone needs to know that information. FWIW, even family who are going to be unsupportive don't need to know either. If someone asks me what hospital I am going to, I just name the backup transfer hospital that we register with. :P I would rather keep it to myself and to those who support my choices because I worry about interference, kwim? It's really none of anyone else's business where I choose to birth.

[Sweetiemommy]

If your midwife also delivers at a hospital or birth center, you could always say that you have both options and that you'll decide closer to the birth. Kind of evasive, but sometimes it is better not to open the door to the conversation. You can also tell people that you have made the decision and that you are not interested in discussing it further, thanks for your concern, etc.

[ColwynsMommy]

It's funny how different families work. I'm very close with my family, and if I just said something along the lines of, "This is our choice, it's not up for discussion, end of story" and refused to talk about it anymore, that would be tantamount to me saying, "Screw you!" to everyone.

With my close family, I wanted to make sure they understood why we chose homebirth. There was no chance of them changing our minds (which they knew), but I would much rather spend a few irritating conversations trying to educate them instead of being indifferent to their worry. I totally understand where they're coming from because I would have thought the same thing, prior to my experiences in parenting (which includes a lot of self-education).

For the people who are willing to learn, I have no problem explaining. It's normal for the 'average' person to view the decision to homebirth as a little scary. In my opinion, if we want to be part of an extended family, we have to accept that not all of our family members have the same experience and knowledge we do, and that we have a certain obligation to share info if they're willing to listen. This is just part of being a family, in my experience.

Of course, I've also said to people, "Your comments really aren't helpful. I'd be glad to openly discuss our choices, but there is no need for negativity."

[Belle]

I actually got more negative comments when I mentioned planning a homebirth before I was ever pregnant than when I was actually pregnant. Nobody really seemed to bat an eye at my planning a homebirth. Except for dh's sister. But she lives a thousand miles away and he is not close to that sister so we didn't have to argue with her on a regular basis about it.

For the most part I didn't discuss it with people unless they brought it up themselves. If they asked where I was giving birth was I honest with them.

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by laughingfox

In my experience, a lot of people seem to get angry and defensive because they take your departure from the mainstream as a personal insult to themselves and/or to every woman they know who has given birth in the hospital.
Attempts at educating never seemed to help. No one believed me when I talked about figures, and when I offered to loan books, print studies, etc., absolutely no one took up the offers.

Anyway, congrats! Sorry you're having to deal with so much negativity.

Yes, this! My sis and aunt are both having planned c-secs before my planned home birth. I think that, at least for my sis, she is *jealous* and takes it personally, like I'm saying she did something wrong. I'm not. It's fine with me that they had c-secs and otherwise hospital birth.

As far as explaining why . . . I guess I know why, but I'm not the type who has read all the studies and has the stats down. I'm really not as informed as most here seem to be. I just know I feel more comfortable, and that's enough for me. For myself, I didn't need to read studies to make my decision. For me, it's okay that it's an emotional/intuitive choice. I know the facts are there to back it up, but I don't know them.

So I really can't "win" in an intellectual battle about homebirth. I'm not going to try to, either. We've told my family, but not dp's. I told dp that I don't want to tell them we're planning homebirth. Facing seven months of negativity from my family is enough! We'll tell his family, like in month 8, lol. I'm just going to let them assume we're going to the hospital. His family tends to be a lot more interfering than mine anyways, so I just don't want to get into it.

I just wish that I had a sister in real life who could pat me on the the back and be like, "homebirth, yeah! ". Instead of people thinking I'm crazy, it's soooo far out, blah blah. My sis brought it up last night and said she saw people on tv "birthing in an inflatable tub in their living room" like it was sooo weird. And I just bit my tongue. I guess she doesn't know how common that really is. Her husband actually said, "so are you still planning a homebirth, like what, just in your bathtub, hah hah", and I just went for it and started talking about how deep our tub is, and I was really happy about that when I moved in, and how the "birthing tub" at our local hospital looks exactly like a bathtub. So yeah, I'm having it in the bathtub. Talk amongst yourselves. Sooo crazy. Nevermind that the hossy has exactly the same thing, only they charge you a lot more for it.

[Belle]

Originally Posted by craft_media_hero

I told dp that I don't want to tell them we're planning homebirth. Facing seven months of negativity from my family is enough! We'll tell his family, like in month 8, lol. I'm just going to let them assume we're going to the hospital. His family tends to be a lot more interfering than mine anyways, so I just don't want to get into it.

I wouldn't bother. Especially if they're more interfering than your family. Tell them after your babe is already born and they won't bombard you with negativity when you are at your most vulnerable. They can't say much once your baby has already been born safely.

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by Belle

I wouldn't bother. Especially if they're more interfering than your family. Tell them after your babe is already born and they won't bombard you with negativity when you are at your most vulnerable. They can't say much once your baby has already been born safely.

True! See, that's why I love it here; you mamas help me see other possibilities.

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by craft_media_hero

I just wish that I had a sister in real life who could pat me on the the back and be like, "homebirth, yeah! "

May we be your "sisters"? I have had 2 hbs, one was UC, and know what you are talking about, with the unsupporting family. We will send you all the "attagirls" you need or want. I always encourage hb, since most of the people who would consider it, usually take great pains to help themselves get that great birth the most. As many as half the children in Holland(for example) are born at home, with midwives, and thier infant mortality rate is one of the lowest IN THE WORLD! HB rocks!

[mntnmom]

If they seem open, and just want some reassurance, there are some British and Dutch studies on the safety of planned homebirth. I'm sure someone here has a link. If they are reacting out of their own discomfort and trying to scare you into the hospital, then give them a packaged response such as " I've done my research, you're free to do the same. We (I)'ve made our decision and you'll have to trust that I'm smart enough not to take risks with my life or that of my child, becasue it's really not up for debate."

[RPS67]

It's so frustrating when you can't depend on your own family to be supportive! I feel your pain.

With our first homebirth, I didn't tell my family that's what we were planning, although my mom knew I was seeing a midwife. Luckily, they live 4 hours away and my mom never really asked for a lot of details about what hospital I was going to, etc., because it didn't matter. For their 5th grandchild, they weren't going to run right down here. =)

She was rather shocked when I called her after our son was born. She figured out that he was born at home as soon as she saw the pictures.

This time, I've been much more open about having a homebirth and she's been nothing but supportive. Again, she hasn't asked many questions, but I think it's because I mentioned that my mw has been practicing for 30 years.

SO's mom, OTOH, is a worry wart. Even if we were going to a hospital, she would be convinced that something was going to go wrong. A few weeks ago at the family Christmas party, she outed us to SO's cousin, who is a nurse...and boy, was MIL surprised when the cousin got VERY excited about our having a homebirth and started talking about how safe it is, etc. I think it sort of got MIL's nose out of joint, but she hasn't said anything negative.

FIL was born at home, so even though he doesn't ask any questions, I know that we have his support 100%.

I have become much more vocal about it to everyone else because homebirth is not a "normal" choice in our area. I'm willing to be the one to field people's questions in the hopes that they will see this as a perfectly viable option.

[Happiestever]

I also recommend finding those people who *will* support you. Whether its online or IRL. If you check out ICAN you will probably find some moms there.
I wouldn't discuss it further with them unless they have something nice to say. I hear you when you say that you are "fine" with your relatives planning their ceseareans, but obviously it has whispered something to your mind and body. She would be one of those people I wouldn't go looking for advice from. If people can't understand, then I wouldn't bother.

Take it from someone who bothered trying to educate people who weren't willing to bend. And neither was I! It was a complete waste of breath.

[MegBoz]

When DS was born in a hospital, while family was visiting, I made comments about HB next time. (I'd considered it first go-round.)

Mom says, "I don't know about that!" In that "whooaaa" tone of voice!
I reply with something like, "1/3 of all babies in Netherlands are born at home. Lots of research shows it's safe..."
Mom says, "Yeah, but still..."

My dad actually LAUGHS at her and says, "Yeah, so much for the facts, huh?"

& it was then that I realized, my Mom's reaction is an emotional one! & to be honest, I don't really blame here there! It's natural to be emotional about grandkids! But ya can't fight emotions with logic, facts, & research. You just can't. So I'm not even going to try. I plan to lie whenever we conceive #2. (I don't want to deal with the stress during the PG AND deal with the stress if I DO transfer.

I can hear Mom + MIL now in that event, "Oh thank GOD you transferred! Thank GOD you made it in time! Oh what WOULD HAVE HAPPENED if you stayed at home? I can't believe you even tried to stay home in the first place!"

Um, yeah, don't need that

I LOVE the idea that MDC can be your "sisters." You can also looking AP/natural parenting groups in your area, maybe LLL, to connect with others.