People already being negative - Page 2

[craft_media_hero]

Thank you all SOOO much! I was kind of naive going into this, thinking that everyone would be as excited about hb as I was. Well, I think you are all right about not saying anything unless people are willing to have a positive conversation.

We have to tell our family that we're pregnant, the belly is going to give us away, so it's going to come up w/ dp's fam as soon as we see them IRL again--probably the next couple weeks. I don't have prenatal care yet, and I know that the questions are going to start rolling as soon as we tell them. I'm just kind of dreading it---I think I'm just going to glaze over the details and say, we're getting a midwife and then change the subject.

Argh! Thanks for being my online hb sistas. So nice to not feel like I'm the only one in the world.

[laughingfox]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

Mom says, "I don't know about that!" In that "whooaaa" tone of voice!

OMG, my mom does that same exact thing. I get so tired of hearing "I don't know about that," in that disapproving voice that only mothers can do. Oof.

Craft_media_hero, good luck on telling the family! If you need to vent afterwards, you know where to find us.

[Peace+Hope]

Originally Posted by HisBeautifulWife

IMO, that implies that the issue is up for discussion when it's not, which can lead to more stress.

I'm all for educating people but I think in a lot of cases (not all), it's best done before or after the pregnancy; not during.

But everyone's mileage will vary.

sure, hasn't been the case for me...

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by laughingfox

OMG, my mom does that same exact thing. I get so tired of hearing "I don't know about that," in that disapproving voice that only mothers can do. Oof.

Craft_media_hero, good luck on telling the family! If you need to vent afterwards, you know where to find us.

Heehee, thanks, I know where to find you!

I am realizing that a lot of their fears for our homebirth are coming from their own traumatic birth experience in hospitals where their power was taken away from them---I remember my mom telling me that (I can't remember if it was with me or with my sis) they gave her an anesthetic that knocked her out so that she was unable to speak or move but could still feel everything but not participate.

How could you even birth like that? How could you not think that birth is negative and scary after that? So thinking about it from that perspective really makes me feel a lot more understanding of their doubts/negativity.

But I'm still planning on keeping the "homebirth" word under wraps with dp's family and just really downplaying it with my own, who I already spilled the beans to.

[TyrantOfTheWeek]

My mom was the same way. DH and I had both sets of parents "trapped" here on vacation so we made them watch BoBB.
My dad was actually born at home back in 1947 and even he was apprehensive. In one of the home videos of the birth we made, you can hear me saying something along the lines of "I am glad I could prove my mom wrong" or something like that. Proving people wrong is part of what kept me going when it got really painful.

[ScarletBegonias]

yk, i just realized that i have the same reaction (inside) when anyone irl tells me they're pg, i am just aghast that yet another mama and baby will most likely be a victim of birth-rape, that she has a 1/3 chance of ending up with an unnecessary c-sec, that her baby will most likely end up on formula because she "can't" breastfeed etc.,

so my reaction is negative too, except that my negative reaction to hospital/mainstream birth is based on FACT and their negative reaction is based on ignorance, fear and the success of america's smear campaign against homebirth.

so maybe if you look at it in that way, that *they* are the ones who are losing out on beautiful experiences and memories because of their birthing choices/perceptions, it might be a little easier to have patience with their ignorant and uneducated attitudes toward homebirth.

i have been just crazy enough since i was a kid that every single person in my life, old and new, wouldn't DARE to say anything negative to me about my choices, because i would never let them hear the end of it. they know deep down that what i do is really the best for humanity in general and that they lack the courage to do it themselves. many of the people in my life have told me as such. but they also come to me with questions and asking for advice, because i never lord it over them and never shove it in their face. i am there with my knowledge, experience, ideas and resources if they need me.

[averlee]

I just want to say, this is probably only the beginning! I'm laughing with you, sister. First round, they get to be horrified about your homebirth. Second round, they'll be either pushing the formula/bottles OR dissing you about not breastfeeding. And when to start solids. And where the baby sleeps. And if you are gonna be a stay at home mom or if you're gonna need child care. And whether you are too strict or you're spoiling your kids- because no matter which choices you make, someone will be appalled. Parenting includes constantly making decisions for my family based on what I know and what I feel and what I find to be best. Sometimes that means defending my choices to my friends and family and the world at large.
And be comforted by this: home birth is awesome. Even in the US where only 1% of babies are born in homes, the stats clearly show less infections for mother and baby, less postpartum problems, and easier breastfeeding for homebirth families. So, feel smug. You're right, mama!

[bjorker]

Originally Posted by dogmom327

you may just have to tell people that you've made an informed decision, you've done your research (which they are welcome to do--and if they do you'd be happy to discuss it with them) and they are going to have to trust that you are the reasonable and responsible person they raised you to be.

That's very close to what I said to my mom when she started in on me, and I haven't heard a peep out of her since. And she's quite the naysayer when it comes to anything not perfectly mainstream, so I call that a victory. I really just wasn't going to take it from her. I pointed out that I've spent a lot of time researching and know x, y & z (statistics are good).

[ann_of_loxley]

Oh I know how this is.
Halfway through this pregnancy we even decided to just go for an unassisted birth instead of just a home birth. But I am also seeing a MW throughout this pregnancy in case I do feel I need her. I have not told anyone this IRL! (the only people that know are you lucky ladies and my birth partners! lol)

But many people do know we are planning a homebirth and I was actually shocked at how unsupportive people were about it all! I did have a section with my DS which probably adds to their negativity about it. A lot of the time, they don't even realise how negative and unsupportive they are being either. They may think a comment like 'birth plans never go to plan' is 'helpful advice'...but it says much more than the obvious.

I actually find why they think these things kinda interesting though. And in some ways, it has helped me to prepare more - educate myself more ...etc.

You can take the advice here and just simply tell people you have made an informed deicsion, etc... But I found this made no difference at all. I also don't need to justify our deicisons.

I have just learned not to talk about it and to distance myself from such negativity because I do not need that. No one needs that. We need positive support! We can and will do it!

I know whats coming next as well though...lol...I will have a fabulous UBAC...and these people that made all the negative comments will simply say I was 'just lucky'! lmao It won't be an enlightening moment at all for them. lol Irony eh?

[RomanGoddess]

Pick a hospital, any hospital (you could make it the one that you would end up transferring to if you had to). Now, for the rest of your pregnancy, whenever people ask you where you will be giving birth, tell people that you haven't decided for sure yet but that you are considering that particular hospital.

[ann_of_loxley]

Pick a hospital, any hospital (you could make it the one that you would end up transferring to if you had to). Now, for the rest of your pregnancy, whenever people ask you where you will be giving birth, tell people that you haven't decided for sure yet but that you are considering that particular hospital.

Lol...don't even say 'thats the hopsital we are considering'...Just say 'such and such is the nearest hopsital to us' (add a shrug lol)... Cause then you arn't lying. You are just telling them which hopsital is nearest to you. What they 'assume' is their issue! lol

[GoBecGo]

I only mention it if people ask outright what my plans are (i already had one HB so i can do more pronounced eye-rolling when people ask about have i considered my baby MIGHT DIE - yep, want me to tell you about how my last one and i died? Oh no wait, that must have been the alternative ending...not on this disc my friend!) and i just say "why did you ask if you knew the answer might upset you!?" if they seem alarmed, thus (hopefully) passing it on to them that their distress is THEIR problem, and not caused by me and not going to be owned by me, and that i am not going to be doing defending, tempering or lessening-of-the-blow for them.

Honestly i find people ask a lot of the time because they are mildly nosy (especially in early pregnancy - it's not like you just showed up in labour and they're trying to figure out what to do with you) and as a PP said, they take a deviation from their own version of "normal" to be a slight against them and anyone else who did that "normal" thing. I sometimes tell them how bizarre that is and reassure them that i think hospital births, surgical births, push up bra's, genital dyes (a whole other thread), wipes to sanitize the brushes you clean things with and a million other things i don't personally use or want ARE GREAT FOR THOSE WHO WANT THEM. I did go as far, under strong criticism, that i didn't give a toss how the other woman had delivered her baby and i was a BIT creeped out by how interested she was in mine. It worked.

[ishyfishie]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

Lol...don't even say 'thats the hopsital we are considering'...Just say 'such and such is the nearest hopsital to us' (add a shrug lol)... Cause then you arn't lying. You are just telling them which hopsital is nearest to you. What they 'assume' is their issue! lol

I think this is what my dh is doing--I haven't had any negative reactions so I've been pretty open about saying we're having a homebirth, but he doesn't want to discuss it with coworkers, so I think his standard response to, "Where's she delivering?" is "Oh last time she delivered at ______." Which is true, lol. If they take that as confirmation that I'm delivering there again, dh thinks that's their problem.

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

Oh I know how this is.
Halfway through this pregnancy we even decided to just go for an unassisted birth instead of just a home birth. But I am also seeing a MW throughout this pregnancy in case I do feel I need her. I have not told anyone this IRL! (the only people that know are you lucky ladies and my birth partners! lol)

But many people do know we are planning a homebirth and I was actually shocked at how unsupportive people were about it all!

...and these people that made all the negative comments will simply say I was 'just lucky'! lmao It won't be an enlightening moment at all for them. lol Irony eh?

We are going for a UC, too. We would like to have a hb midwife for the prenatal care and the "just in case" we need to call someone over factor, but deep down inside, I think we've both known from the beginning that we're going to be doing this ourselves at home in our bathtub. At least, that's the plan. The insurance doesn't seem to be working out to pay a hb mw for the prenatals. So it's either hospital or UC, and we have been leaning toward UC even if we did have a hb mw.

Plan B is head to the hospital across the street, and I would have to be pretty sure there was an emergency that I could in no way vaginally birth in order to do go that route.

Just going off of my last birth, which was induced by cervical stripping or whatever it's called---I think I can handle it. The labor wasn't that bad and the pushing phase was really short. Of course, this birth could be totally different.

I love this thread, though, ladies! Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts with me! I am definitely going to adopt a different stance whenever it comes up and just say oh we have a midwife and let people assume that we're going to the hossy.

[bjorker]

I'm too proud to lie about my choices. I want to tell the whole world that YAYAYAY I'M HAVING A HOMEBIRTH THIS TIME!!! hehe.

[onyxravnos]

i feel ya. even AFTER , my successful perfect UBAC I STILL got comments like 'congrats on the baby you should still of had it at the hospital"

only discuss it with those who support you and avoid the topic with those who don't.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by bjorker

I'm too proud to lie about my choices. I want to tell the whole world that YAYAYAY I'M HAVING A HOMEBIRTH THIS TIME!!! hehe.

Ya know, I think I may tell co-workers about it. I know I won't tell Mom & MIL, cuz, well, I do care about their feelings & I don't want them stressing, & then nagging me & stressing me. But co-workers will just think I'm wacky & I don't care - cuz I am a bit wacky! Besides, the average person is grossly uneducated about birth & when they say, "Oh, isn't that dangerous?!" I'll hit them with the facts! They'll have no rebuttal except the oh so wise, "Yeah, but still..." So it's an opportunity to educate!

I've actually already said to co-workers that "I'll plan an HB next time." Even though we're not even TTC yet.