Asking for oppinions

[BubbyBooty]

Does this make me a bad mother?
First off, I have been suffering from PPD, PTSD, and some dr. say Bi-Polar do to me being anxious all the time. I get on end so easily do to me nursing so they can't switch my meds. When I get bad, I tell my girls to get in their room and play till I calm down. I call it the "mommy Time Out" Then I go in the room and apolojize for yelling or getting mad that made me pop my lid. I do spat on the bum 1 spat per age, CPS told me to do it as a form of disapline because I was scared my kids would hate me if I did anything to punish them for their actions. Well, When I am calm, I go into their room and we play games and such. I bring my son, who is 9 months in their and we all play.

I personally feel bad because the meds. they have me on make me sleepy and if I am not sleepy I am on edge a bit. I have always been the type of person to hold in my emotions until I pop. So when I feel like I can't take anymore, The girls go to their room, the baby goes in a jumper and mommy takes her time out and screams as loud as I can into the nearest pillow. I feel like I am a horrible mom because i do get angry with my girls and I do swat their tush, not hard but just enough to make a slight pop sound. I have tried time outs like nanny 911 does but my 3 yr old just kicks and then bites me. Then i have to take a time out myself so I don't loose it.

Yesterday, I was nursing my son trying to get him to take his nap and the girls were, I thought in their bedroom. Well, I heard the sound of the kitchen chair move and I thought they were just drinking their juice. Well then I heard the sound of metal against glass so I ran into the kitchen and my oldest talked my youngest into climbing on a chair that she moved, and them climbing on the counter getting a knife and try to cut up an orange that I had set out to make them a snack with. I got so scared that I flipped. I spanked them each 3 times on the bum and sent them to their room for a nap without a snack. I then broke down and cried because I didn't know if it was anger or fear that I spanked them out of and that I spanked them in general. I have all these thoughts going through my head that I am a horrible mother and I don't know really what to do. Can you please tell me your oppinion?

[ReadingMama]

I remember how difficult the 3s were! I was in tears alot. I got hit, head-butted, pinched, my glasses knocked off. No one ever talks about that! Back then, I thought I was the only one who was getting beat up by her 3 year old! I was firmly no-spank, but I did lose my cool sometimes.

I am also bipolar. When my son was 2, I started getting depressed and I felt like I wasn't doing a very good job as a mother. Family members blamed my "permissive parenting" for my son's tantrums. I started feeling suicidal, and I realized I needed help. That's when I went to a doctor and found out about the bipolar disorder. Getting on the right medicines made a huge difference for me. It sounds like maybe your meds or dosages need adjusting.

That doesn't make you a horrible mom, but it does sound like you're in over your head right now and could use some help. Is there someone to reach out to? Is there an older child in your family or neighborhood who could come over and play with your older kids so you can get some quiet time? Do you have a friend who could take your kids for a few hours for a play date (and you could switch off at another time to give her a break when you're feeling better?) Is there a moms group in your area that you could join to be able to share your struggles and get out of the house every once in a while?

I wish I had more insight to offer. Just know that you aren't alone. Parenting can be hard work--and having psychiatric (or medical, for that matter) problems makes it much more difficult. But it DOES GET BETTER! It really does. It won't always be this hard. Your meds will eventually get settled, and your kids will be older and a little more independent. Your life will be more manageable. The goal is to get the help you need to make NOW more manageable, right? Hang in there!

[BubbyBooty]

the only person I know hates all kids but her daughter. No child could ever be better than her little girl she says. They won't switch or adjust until I quit nursing and I don't plan on doing that until my son is ready to stop. Where is the instruction manual we were told came with kids lol. I didn't get one.

[Drummer's Wife]

I hope you canfind some help and support. . Maybe a new doc or therapist and possibly different meds? Do you get a break? Any downtime for yourself?

The swatting - I'd say it sounds like it's not working very well, so besides being hurtful, it's not an effective form of discipline, right?

Hope it gets better soon. I know how trying it can be at times with multiple LO's to keep happy.

[BubbyBooty]

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife

I hope you canfind some help and support. . Maybe a new doc or therapist and possibly different meds? Do you get a break? Any downtime for yourself?

The swatting - I'd say it sounds like it's not working very well, so besides being hurtful, it's not an effective form of discipline, right?

Hope it gets better soon. I know how trying it can be at times with multiple LO's to keep happy.

The only down time I get is around 2-8 am when they are asleep. Can I take other meds. while I am nursing?

[DaughterOfKali]

I highly suggest finding a new therapist and doctor. You sound like you could use weekly therapy to help deal with your feelings.

A good doctor can work with you regarding meds.

Do you get any help from family/friends?
Why is CPS involved?

[Polliwog]

I don't know how old your youngest is, but maybe it's time to stop nursing and get yourself regulated.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Polliwog

I don't know how old your youngest is, but maybe it's time to stop nursing and get yourself regulated.

Yes. Milk banks are an option if you feel strongly about continuing with breast milk, but honestly as a mom with bipolar disorder, you stabilizing is the most important issue for your family unit as a whole.

We have a support thread in the Mental Health sub-forum that you may want to check out. Everyone on the thread understands BP, so you'll get answers tailored to that.

As for swats on the bottom, I agree with Drummer's Wife that they don't seem to be effective, so why continue?

There are some meds you can take while BF. I didn't take any out of fear of what the meds would do to DC, but I ended up in a psych hospital. It's not worth going that route. The meds you are on don't sound like they're working, so you really need to see someone who can help regulate your meds well (a tough thing to find, though).

[staceychev]

Please take this as gently as I intend it!

I grew up with a Mom with mental health issues (depression, though probably not bi-polar). What you're describing is exactly how my young years were. When she was feeling bad, Mom would snap at us (sometimes in a warranted way, sometimes over next to nothing), and sometimes we would be hit. If she was feeling good, she'd be very buddy-buddy with us (kind of like what you're describing with going in and playing games). The problem with this pattern is that, despite the fact that she felt she was doing well for us when she was feeling good, the massive inconsistency in how she responded to us made us feel constantly unsettled and on edge. After my parents got divorced (when I was in college), Dad described living with her as "walking on eggshells."

The reason I share my story is to encourage you to get help wherever you can find it. My mom is great now (maybe not as stable as some, but pretty darn good) and is a wonderful mother and grandmother. But, this has come through a lot of self-work on her part, through therapy, religion, meditation, etc., and medication when she's needed it.

It also came when my parents got divorced and she was forced, for the first time in her life, to work out of the home. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be SAHM (in fact, I'd be a SAHM in a heartbeat if I could afford to be), but understand that if you're like my mom, being at home with little kids is probably contributing to your feelings of depression and instability.

[BubbyBooty]

Originally Posted by DaughterOfKali

I highly suggest finding a new therapist and doctor. You sound like you could use weekly therapy to help deal with your feelings.

A good doctor can work with you regarding meds.

Do you get any help from family/friends?
Why is CPS involved?

My hubby called after he trashed my house one morning. he got mad at me cause I didn't set out his undershirt so he trashed the living room and bedroom looking for one. Then called and said it was like this all the time. They came in, gave me 4 hrs. to clean. It got clean they closed the case. I still have the caseworker calling and asking how I am doing and such.

[DaughterOfKali]

Originally Posted by BubbyBooty

My hubby called after he trashed my house one morning. he got mad at me cause I didn't set out his undershirt so he trashed the living room and bedroom looking for one. Then called and said it was like this all the time. They came in, gave me 4 hrs. to clean. It got clean they closed the case. I still have the caseworker calling and asking how I am doing and such.

Your husband called CPS on you?? I hope he's now an 'ex' hubby.

[Landover]

This thread makes me sad for you and your children, and I hope that you are able to get some help. In general, I find that if I am feeling guilty about my parenting there is a reason for the guilt and something needs to change. In the situation you described with your daughters and the orange, it sounds like they may have been trying to help you by getting their own snack. For this decision, they were both hit and did not get to eat. Very, very sad.

It does sound like you need help. As a mom, when you need help it is *your responsibility* to get help. The original post makes it seem like you are sad when you yell at and hit your kids, but that sorrow is not enough to make it okay. Your apology does not make it okay. What will make it okay is to get help and not do it anymore.

I want to be as gentle with you as I can see you are in real need, but I keep feeling so very sad for your children. They are living with a mom who needs help and knows it, and apparently a father who will trash the house and then call CPS.

Most importantly.... continuing to nurse your son despite your very desperate need for a change in your medication is doing more harm than good. The reason you want to bf your son is because you think it is best for HIS development, but what ALL your kids need (even more then your son needs your milk) is a mother who is in control.

The need for a mother who is stable and consistent TRUMPS ALL. Gently wean your son, find a great formula, and take good care of yourself so you can take good care of you kids.

((HUGS))