My son is ten and sleeps in my bed

[Snowygirl]

Hi. My name is Patti and I'm new here. I was looking up "at what age is too old to co-sleep" on google and found this site.
Let me give you some history first. I "co-slept" with my son when he was a baby as it was easier to breast feed plus I worked full time so it was my "bonding time". Me and his dad were separated before he was born and divorced shortly after he was born. I was a single mom not pulling in a lot of income so most of everywhere we lived were one bedroom apartments. When he became 3 I found an affordable 2 bedroom apartment.
I tried all the tricks in the book to get him to sleep in his OWN bed. I got back together with his dad for a little while and we had him sleeping in his own bed(Well til he would wake up at 3:30 am and crawl in bed with us. I was usually up at this time getting ready for work most the time anyway.
One morning I got a call at work, apparently ex had left our son alone and gotten pulled over and arrested leaving our son ALONE!!!(He was pulled over for swerving all over the road).
Ever since then, my son refuses to sleep alone. Once in a great while I can get him to sleep in his own bed, but most the time I don't even feel like fighting it and let him sleep in my bed.
I see most of you have younger children on here. What I would like to know, is there any single parents on here that are in the same proverbial boat?
And how old is TOO old to "co-sleep"?
Thanks for reading!

[Ann-Marita]

How old is "too old"? If co-sleeping is still working for both the adult(s) and the child, I don't think there IS a "too old".

Our DD was still sleeping with us on a regular basis when she was 10. She still occasionally sleeps in the "big bed" (actually a king and a twin shoved together), especially if DH is out of town.

If it works for you and your child, that's what matters.

[JBaxter]

My older 2 slept w/ me alot whe we were going through my divorce from their dad. It was brought up in counceling. The only thing that my counceller mentioned was when boys get to a prepuberty stage they start getting erection and sometimes ( ok almost always) nocternal emissions. When they start in this phase of their development it can be very confusing to them to wake up next to their mom while physically arroused.

I did not kick my boys out of my bed during the times they needed me but I did that that into consideration. We transitioned slowly. Just something for you to think about.

My oldest is now 18 and its probably been 2 yrs since he showed up to lay down on my bed He used to be a migraine sufferer and if he woke up in the middle of the night he would come to laydown in my bed. Moms bed is default security And I'd have to go get his medicine

[kay4]

Originally Posted by Ann-Marita

How old is "too old"? If co-sleeping is still working for both the adult(s) and the child, I don't think there IS a "too old".

***

If it works for you and your child, that's what matters.

Ditto. My 5 1/2 yo dd has a bed next to ours and comes in our bed in the middle of the night. I wake up often to find my 8 yo ds with us too. We have a king size bed partly for that reason

[jazzharmony]

I can't imagine that anyone could make a case for "too old to co-sleep". Partnered adults usually co-sleep Look at cultures around the world. Family bed is completely normal and healthy. Americans are completely obsessed with (false) independence and focus on training from birth. There is no reason to follow that if the family bed is what works for your family. If it stops working for whatever reason, find a new arrangement that doesn't traumatize anyone.
Also, i'm certain that any therapist who has issues with it are bringing their own biases into play and that is highly unprofessional. I would switch therapists.

[rzberrymom]

Originally Posted by Ann-Marita

If co-sleeping is still working for both the adult(s) and the child, I don't think there IS a "too old".

[almadianna]

It seems like there have been some emotionally taxing events in your child's life... so it is possible that he needs you. If it works for both of you, why not?

I was 16 years old and occassionally asked my mom to sleep next to me when I was going through tough times and she did. Parents are sources of comfort and that is the way that it should be.

[Snowygirl]

thanks

Thanks for all the replies. It's just me, him and the dog. I had some friends giving me some static about it. Once in a while he will sleep in his own bed, but always ends up in mine. I figured he will sleep in his own bed all night when he's ready.

[paxye]

My DH slept with his parents until he was about 12-13... it wasn't every night but it was often and he had a space next to the bed on the floor (his little sister was in the bed with his parents) ... when he stopped it was his choice...

My boys still co-sleep most nights also (they start off in their own bed) and they are 7,5 and 3... we have recently put a small mattress next to the bed so that someone can sleep there because we have another one on the way and I need more space in the bed...

Oh, and a friend of mine co-slept with her mom until she was at least 15 and her mom got re-married... I always thought she was lucky because I wasn't allowed to cuddle my mom at night!

[Sharon, RN]

DS#1 is 10 and still co-sleeps occasionally- however, with the new baby, it made me nervous. We have all co-slept a few times, but DS#1 is all over the place in bed. (LOL Now that I think about it, he always has been, but he's so big now that it makes a difference!) So, if DS#1 and DS#2 and I are all co-sleeping (DH works nights, when he's home, it's only DH, me, and the baby) I get like zero sleep.

I'm not opposed to still co-sleeping with DS#1, it's just physically uncomfortable for me because of the way he sleeps.

Although, he does say he likes sleeping with one of the dogs, too. I wonder what that says about me?!?!

[Ann-Marita]

Snowygirl, I have a theory that only children especially tend to stay in the family bed for more years than in other circumstances.

Some children find a new baby in the bed to be noisy, or too hot, and they move out of the family bed. Others have an older sibling to go sleep with, and move out of the family bed to sleep in a sibling bed, which eases the transition.

Again, if it works for you and your son, your friends' opinion is of no consequence.

[TiredX2]

DD is 11 and "still" sleeps in our bed much of the time. As in, she didn't last night becasue she had a sleep over

Originally Posted by Ann-Marita

Again, if it works for you and your son, your friends' opinion is of no consequence.

That said, depending on how close of a friend you are talking about, I would probably not share that info with them. My best friends know DD still is in our bed, but for friends who are not as close (or parents of her friends who i am friendly with) I assume DD would be embarrased for many people to know.

[Snowygirl]

Thanks!

I think it mainly goes back to when his dad left him alone when he was 3. I know he probably woke up(Never fails, 3:00-3:30 am he always woke up to go to the bathroom and knew I left for work at that time. I'm retired/disabled and a SAHM now. So he KNOWS I'm always home and have NEVER left him alone. I mean other than dropping him off at school or a friends. He's spent the night at a friends house before. I thank everyone for their input. And here I thought I was the ONLY ONE who did this. We don't have a new baby or anything. He has his side of the bed and I have mine, the dog goes under the covers.
We have our own little ritual, bathroom, brush teeth, get our drinks(water for him, Pepsi for me), Animal planet or discovery on the TV. We have a body pillow between us. I use it mainly for my back. He pretty much stays in one spot all night. And as much as I hate to admit it, I LOVE the bonding! Before we zonk out, He'll tell me more about his day at school, things that happened, both good and bad. I guess it makes me feel closer. I know he's getting older and eventually won't want to "sleep in mom's bed".
I haven't really dated since my divorce. I don't want to be "one of those mom's" that seems to have a new flavor every other month if you know what I mean. I'm glad I stumbled upon this site.
Thanks again everyone!!!

[BrittneyMarie]

When my parents divorced I was 14-15 and ended up sleeping with my mom a lot. Before that we'd have 'sleepovers' whenever my dad worked out of town. I think it's completely normal. My mother and I are very close.

[almadianna]

Lets please remember the rules of this forum when posting:

The Family Bed and Nighttime Parenting Welcome to The Family Bed and Nighttime Parenting forum. This forum is intended to serve this advocacy and support and encourage parents in co-sleeping, even through the difficulties that arise. When a parent posts here to discuss struggles with co-sleeping and asks for advice members should post with suggestions to ease problems and encouragement to support co-sleeping, not to advise against it. Posts of that nature are not appropriate. If parents come to a decision that their child sleeps better in his or her own space, discussions here can be in support of how to best parent such a child at night in a nurturing way.

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by Snowygirl

Thanks for all the replies. It's just me, him and the dog. I had some friends giving me some static about it. Once in a while he will sleep in his own bed, but always ends up in mine. I figured he will sleep in his own bed all night when he's ready.

If it still works for you and your family, then who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to say that there's anything wrong with that?

I am mildly concerned, however, with your statement above. I do not believe that DS will just suddenly say (with no help from you) that he's ready to sleep in his own bed now. If you are okay with that, then great! Enjoy the closeness of him sleeping next to you every night. But if your not okay with that idea... well, I don't need to finish that sentence.

Only you know what works for you. If it aint broke, don't fix it.

[paxye]

Originally Posted by Kivgaen

I am mildly concerned, however, with your statement above. I do not believe that DS will just suddenly say (with no help from you) that he's ready to sleep in his own bed now.

I disagree... (kind of like some people saying that if you never wean a child they won't wean themselves) I am pretty certain that at 20 he will most likely have different habits... at 10 a child is still very much a child, and sharing sleep with a parent or someone you love has no age limit IMO...

If I look at my DH's example puberty is what made things different and the choice was all his...

Whatever the age though, if the arrangement works for both parties, then outside opinions just don't matter...

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by paxye

I disagree... (kind of like some people saying that if you never wean a child they won't wean themselves) I am pretty certain that at 20 he will most likely have different habits... at 10 a child is still very much a child, and sharing sleep with a parent or someone you love has no age limit IMO...

We probably disagree on that topic as well. I also nudged my child in that direction when I was no longer okay with BF. I suppose, yes, eventually, it will happen all on it's own. The question is, how long are we prepared to wait for them to make that choice?

I suppose the main point is that as long as she's okay with it still, then there really isn't any issue at all.

[paxye]

Originally Posted by Kivgaen

We probably disagree on that topic as well. I also nudged my child in that direction when I was no longer okay with BF. I suppose, yes, eventually, it will happen all on it's own. The question is, how long are we prepared to wait for them to make that choice? .

Yes, we disagree on that, we practice child-led weaning so the answer is for us "as long as they need it, whatever age that is." I agree that for some nursing past 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, 7 years is too much but that is again personal opinion and not based in any fact.

For us it is about respect and doing the best for the child based on research we have done and what come to us instinctively. (not saying that you might not think that your way is best too, but we have different opinions)

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by paxye

For us it is about respect and doing the best for the child based on research we have done and what come to us instinctively. (not saying that you might not think that your way is best too, but we have different opinions)

We actually agree on what is "ideal"... but the idea (to stop co-sleeping, or to stop breastfeeding) has to come from SOMEWHERE. Where does it come from? Does it come from mommy and daddy? does it come from DS or DD's peers? It doesn't just happen out-of-the-blue. Kids learn what they live, and if they are only exposed to sleeping in the same bed as mom and dad (or in this case, mom and dog), then how could they think to make a different choice? Some kids would never just come up with the idea on their own, the idea that it could be a different way has to be initiated somehow.

But regardless of the Ideal approach, the "Best" is for mommy and daddy and brother and sister to be happy. So all of the research in the world goes out the window when that is no longer the case.