Playdate etiquette- would you say something? another question post 26

[DevaMajka]

Do you think it's ok to call to arrange a playdate, when you can't have the kids over at your house? (so you are calling to ask if YOUR kids can go play at the friend's house). Is it ok if you are friends with the other parent, and your kids play together quite often?

Do you think it's ok to have a 5 or 6yo call and arrange play dates?


Now, a more specific question- How would you feel about this conversation:

other mom: Does your child want to play with my kids today?
You: (ask your child if they want to play, and he/she does). Yes, he'd like to play, but he can only come over for a short time.
other mom: Oh, I won't be able to have them over here. I was wondering if they could play at your house.

If you DO think it's ok to call and ask if your kids can play at someone else's house, do you think that that conversation is ok? You aren't being told that the kids need to come to your place until AFTER you've gotten your dc all excited about playing. So if it's not convenient to have kids over to your place, you don't have an easy out.

If you don't think those things are ok, would you say something to the mother doing them? What would you say, and how would you approach it?

[savannah smiles]

It seems like in this situation, the mom calling to ask the other mom to host a playdate is actually asking the other mom to babysit her child, but is trying to word it differently. If I were the mom being asked to host a playdate, I'd feel annoyed and decline unless I was in the mood to have the kid over.

[Porcelain Interior]

No it is always rude to call someone and ask them to host your child.

I would feel very pressed and awkward with that sort of exchange. You don't make plans at someone else's house without being invited first.

I avoid people like that. I'm allergic.

As to your particular question: If you don't think those things are ok, would you say something to the mother doing them? What would you say, and how would you approach it?

I don't think I'd say something to the mother because the initial conversation would have been SOOO painfully awkward and weird and honestly I'd be so shocked I probably would just suck it up and have the child over since the mom had already told her kid she was calling, and you'd said yes before you realized you were trapped. If I could make an excuse and get out of it I would do that also. In the future I would avoid her like the plague.

I have little patience for grown people with no social skills, and no one in our house is particularly social and I don't enjoy playdates and never did them with my own kids so I might not be the best person to ask.

I have grown people friends and my kids are friends with their kids, so when we have get together's or they have friends over it is always with people I've hand selected and enjoy the company of.

[Peony]

Now I have no problems with my kids playmates or their parents calling and asking if they can come over to my house BUT that needs to be spelled out at the beginning of the conversation.

[AllisonR]

With the way that is worded, no.

With good friends, worded differently, ok. As in: "Hi so-and-so. Should we get the kids together? Do you want to come here or shall we come there?" Or even "We can't do a play date here this week because XYZ. If you want my kids can come over there, but if not, then let's do something next week instead." But again, I would do this with a good friend where play dates are common, not just anyone. And the way she worded it, no, not OK.

[clovergirl]

i would only ask that of a very close friend, as in, i have a relationship with the child's mother outside of being the parent of my child's friend. does that make sense?

but i would be very upfront about it. the conversation you put forth as an example does seem a bit... manipulative. in my head, the proper way to go about that would be "hey, A, are you guys busy today? B was hoping to play today with C, but we can't host you guys at our house. would it be OK to drop B off to play for a couple of hours?"

keep in mind though that none of my kid's friends are neighborhood friends, so playdates involve being driven places anyway. and right now, pretty much all of my kid's friends are family friends, as in we are friends with the whole family. i'm sure that's going to be changing soon enough, as my oldest is turning 10 soon and is making new friends.

[IntuitiveJamie]

I am always a very upfront person. So ,if I want to have my kids have a playdate, but not at our house, I always state that up front. However I would never assume, that it would then be at the other persons house. I usually say something like "hey, I would love to see y'all today so the kids can play, but I really need to get my kids out of our house, can we come play at yours or meet at a park or somewhere?" And my friends know that they can always say no. Ask a straight question, get a straight answer. I would never ask someone to play, but really mean, "can you watch my kids at your house?" If I need a babysitter, then I'll ask for that specific service.

[velochic]

My personal opinion is that this would be very rude. I wouldn't do it. I don't even ask this of my best friend. If I needed a babysitter, I'd just come right out and ask and negotiate the price.

[jjawm]

Doesn't bother me in the least. When I suggest a playdate, there is always discussion about whose house it's at - same with my friends. It's "let's get together this week! Your house or mine?" sort of thing.

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by velochic

My personal opinion is that this would be very rude. I wouldn't do it. I don't even ask this of my best friend. If I needed a babysitter, I'd just come right out and ask and negotiate the price.

I am pretty much this except for a group of close friends. We do a lot of trade offs and no one (yet) has taken advantage. A typical conversation is:

Me: hey what are you guys doing Friday night? Want to come over? I am making pizza and we can have a glass of wine and catch up/
Friend: great, should I bring a movie for kids?
Me: sure!!
Friend: Ok.
Me: I have a Dr's appt next Tuesday, any chance the kids can play?
Friend: no problem! Maybe afterwards you can stay so I can run to the store?
Me: of course, See you Friday

Noone keeps score and no one is afraid to say no if needed. However I would never presume with family I don't know or don't know really well.

In fact most times I ask to have the kids here if I don't know the family well, even when my son is invited there. I like to be in control since I am a total control freak!!

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by DevaMajka

If you don't think those things are ok, would you say something to the mother doing them? What would you say, and how would you approach it?

For a very close friend, I wouldn't mind the wording. If I didn't want to host, I'd be honest and suggest meeting at a neutral location.

I'd be unlikely to approach the mom about the wording. More likely, I'd just make a mental note and ask for clarification about the invitation in the future--before discussing it with my dc.

[BunnySlippers]

I don't think its wierd.
I've called to arrange a playdate and had the parents assume I meant thier house . If she goes to other peoples houses I invite myself along (unless I know the household really well).

If you can't hold a playdate in your house, maybe you can arrrange one ata park?

[lilyka]

how awkward.

I have a six year and when a couple of kids get together and make grand plans and such things can get complicated. However if Ava was telling me "I am going of to Zoeys house after school" I would call Zoeys mom and say "Ava and Zoey have made plans for xyz....did you know anything about this? Does this work for you or would it be better for them to play at our house? Or should we wait for another day?" She does the same thing. Ava and Zoey make LOTS of plans.

Occasionally I need to either end a play date or put the friend mom in charge. but I am always right up front with that. "HI I know the kids are having a great time playing but I have to go run some errends. would you prefer they keep playing here until I get back in a an hour or would you like me to take Ava with me?"

it seems beyond rude that she made the playdate first and then announced it would have to be at your house. I don't care how much my child wants to go over to a friends house. we wait for an uncoerced invite.

granted with my really close friends who we have frequent playdates with (back in the playdate days) I wouldn't have minded if someone said "can they come over to your house (I would have been relieved)" or we have said "your house or mine" and I had one friend whose kids were incapable of playing at someone elses house so it was always assumed playdates were at her house. But the way this lady asked was just weird.

[One_Girl]

My dd's friends call and ask to come over all the time and I love it. It is wonderful to have other kids over because it gives me a nice break while they play and entertain each other. I also let my dd answer the phone when it is her friend calling and I let her work things out and ask me if the timing works out. When I was a kid we always called back and forth to come over to each others house for playdates.

[meemee]

i have no problems with can my child go over and play at your house. however not the way it was spelt out.

even with close friends.

[LynnS6]

I'd find it weird. If I needed someone to watch my kids, I spell that out. "I was wondering if you'd be able to watch M for a hour or two."

If I call about a playdate, then I assume it's going to be at our house, but that it could be negotiated to be at someone else's house too.

[phathui5]

I would have started the conversation "Dd wants to know if she can come over and play? I would have ____ over, but now isn't a good time because..."

[JL83]

With the couple of moms I regularly arrange playdates with the conversation normally goes like this:

mom 1: It would be fun for the kids to play together, you guys have any time?
mom 2: Sure, this afternoon would work.
mom 1: Your house or mine?

The only time I've noticed that the one doing the inviting has to be the one who's house it's at is with a new relationship for the first couple of playdates.

To me there are 2 questions. The first is about whether or not a specific time will work, the second is where they kids will play.

[annekevdbroek]

I have no problem with it. I trade playdates back and forth with several neighbors/friends. I have no problem with either of us saying "The kids want to play, can it be at your place" or vis versa.

I do have one neighbor who I've stopped inviting his kids over for playdates because he *never* hosts (and I am a single mom right now with my husband deployed), his kids make a big mess, and he is chronically late picking them up. I like him and the kids, but it was too one-direction, and was making me frustrated.

[lindberg99]

I don't know, we do that with DS's best friend's family and they do it with us. Like one night we got invited to a party at the home of younger DS's friend. Older DS (9 yo) didn't want to go so he called up his friend and asked if he could come over there instead. I ran into her at school the next week and she asked if her son could come over because she wanted to go shopping. And we've had him and sometimes his brother over so she could take the baby to the doctor, etc.

I don't really consider it babysitting, I guess because we trade off. My son sure is at their house a lot! And sometimes she'll have my 5 yo over too.