Playdate etiquette- would you say something? another question post 26 - Page 3

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

No it is always rude to call someone and ask them to host your child.

I would feel very pressed and awkward with that sort of exchange. You don't make plans at someone else's house without being invited first.

I avoid people like that. I'm allergic.

As to your particular question: If you don't think those things are ok, would you say something to the mother doing them? What would you say, and how would you approach it?

I don't think I'd say something to the mother because the initial conversation would have been SOOO painfully awkward and weird and honestly I'd be so shocked I probably would just suck it up and have the child over since the mom had already told her kid she was calling, and you'd said yes before you realized you were trapped. If I could make an excuse and get out of it I would do that also. In the future I would avoid her like the plague.

I have little patience for grown people with no social skills, and no one in our house is particularly social and I don't enjoy playdates and never did them with my own kids so I might not be the best person to ask.

I have grown people friends and my kids are friends with their kids, so when we have get together's or they have friends over it is always with people I've hand selected and enjoy the company of.

I agree....LOVE the statement: I'm allergic! LOL! Me, too!

[daniedb]

If she's flat out said that she wished someone would tell her why her friendships don't tend to last, and you would feel comfortable, it sounds as if she's open to hearing your discomfort with her communication. I would probably bring it up in conversation, something about ME being told something that was hard to hear from a friend, like, "I remember a while back, you said that you would like it if someone could tell you why [you suck eggs] ...well, my mom was mentioning the other day that she wishes I would [not suck eggs] and I'm not sure how I feel about that." Hopefully, that would lead you into a convo where she would say, "Yeah, I'd be fine if someone could tell me why my friendships end quickly." And you could say, "Well, has anyone ever told you why they stopped communicating?" and if she says no, you can couch it in the form of suggestions, "Perhaps you could try something like...well, for example, on the setting up playdates thing - you know how when we talk to each other about it, you will ask if Son wants to play? And then...? Maybe instead you might say...?"

Just some thoughts.

[newbymom05]

Well, good luck on giving her a clue, but IME if she's made it this far in life, your well meaning attempts are going to fall on barren soil, no matter what she says about "wishing someone would tell her". And I doubt that her friendships end b/c she's pushy on the phone w/ play dates! Seriously, I wouldn't get involved in that aspect of her life, unless you want her as a friend or you like to practice your psychologist skills.

RE the calls, I'd start returning her calls every other time or so, just to gently add a little distance. You can then say that you're sorry to not call sooner, she should try emailing you, etc.

[noobmom]

Originally Posted by DevaMajka

Awww, man. I hate using the phone, unless I'm in the right mood. And she leaves a message nearly every day. Every other day, at least. Plus, I'm not sure how to just say "nope, not in the mood for a playdate." I always feel like I need to give her a reason (and maybe slightly worried she'll try to talk me into it).

Alright. I'll try to be better at calling back. And at being more assertive.

If she's calling every day, I wouldn't feel obligated to call her back every day. That's getting a little ridiculous. The only people I talk to every day are my DH and my DS. I would probably preempt the other calls. Say she calls on Monday about a playdate. If you can't do it Monday, call her back and suggest an alternate day--like Thursday. Hopefully she won't call between Mon and Thu then.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by noobmom

If she's calling every day, I wouldn't feel obligated to call her back every day. That's getting a little ridiculous. The only people I talk to every day are my DH and my DS. I would probably preempt the other calls. Say she calls on Monday about a playdate. If you can't do it Monday, call her back and suggest an alternate day--like Thursday. Hopefully she won't call between Mon and Thu then.

Yeah, this is a good strategy. I didn't realize she was calling so often. I don't use the phone a lot either. That would make me a little uncomfortable too. I would relax my "return every call rule" in this situation, since you know you are going to be speaking again soon. E-mail is a good option too.

It's pretty hard to judge from a distance, but calling every day sounds a little needy. Or maybe she's just a really chatty, friendly type. If it's neediness, it may be another reason why others have put some distance between them and her. It goes along with not recognizing boundaries and misjudging social etiquette.

[Kivgaen]

The way you worded the question -- definitely NOT okay. But making suggestions like, "would it work better for you if we came there"??

What is the reason that they can't come to your house? (Is it the same reason as mine, that my house is filthy, and I don't want anyone else to see the pig-sty of which we live?). Honesty is always the best policy, I find. If your house is too small, or too dirty, or too busy with other people, or whatever the case may be, then say so. Say -- "we'd love to come there if you will have us, because our house is ... ". I've done that before -- called a stranger and arranged a play-date for my son that took place at her house. She even OFFERED that she would mind the children and that I didn't need to stay with them. (I was actually a little disappointed, because I was hoping for some parent connection too, but it was clear that wasn't going to happen with her if I stayed).

[DevaMajka]

The reason that it doesn't always work for the kids to come here (she doesn't ever come, which is fine) is just that 3 kids are WAY more loud, and way more talking/questions/needing stuff than just one. (I have one 5yo and one baby). I'm highly sensitive to outside stimuli, and it's just hard on me sometimes, especially if I'm not in a great mood to begin with or if there's more clutter in my house than I'd like.

I have tried to tell her, in a way, but I don't want her to think that it's anything against her kids at all. They really are great kids. Very nice, they listen well, they play well with my ds. They are just loud sometimes!

Originally Posted by noobmom

Say she calls on Monday about a playdate. If you can't do it Monday, call her back and suggest an alternate day--like Thursday. Hopefully she won't call between Mon and Thu then.

Great advice! I don't know why I never thought of some of the great advice in this thread! I guess I just got stuck in a "routine" and couldn't think of anything else better I could do.

[lab]

Originally Posted by DevaMajka

Do you think it's ok to call to arrange a playdate, when you can't have the kids over at your house? (so you are calling to ask if YOUR kids can go play at the friend's house). Is it ok if you are friends with the other parent, and your kids play together quite often?

Do you think it's ok to have a 5 or 6yo call and arrange play dates?


Now, a more specific question- How would you feel about this conversation:

other mom: Does your child want to play with my kids today?
You: (ask your child if they want to play, and he/she does). Yes, he'd like to play, but he can only come over for a short time.
other mom: Oh, I won't be able to have them over here. I was wondering if they could play at your house.

If you DO think it's ok to call and ask if your kids can play at someone else's house, do you think that that conversation is ok? You aren't being told that the kids need to come to your place until AFTER you've gotten your dc all excited about playing. So if it's not convenient to have kids over to your place, you don't have an easy out.

If you don't think those things are ok, would you say something to the mother doing them? What would you say, and how would you approach it?

Tacky.

[Materfamilias]

I vote weird and awkward, and yes on the call back.