This sounds about right to me :
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My daughter is closing in on 4 and she's been going through this, it's no fun, but I really think that learning about consequences and learning to manage the frustration that comes with the response is important for her development. It does get better, if that helps. She'll still have a fit but it is much shorter now and often its sort of half-hearted, like she just wants to make sure I understand she's not pleased, but she isn't really committed to the tantrum. She also understands now that there are rules and so she can predict an outcome. She knows if she throws a toy at me I will take it away. So she isn't surprised when it happens and that seems to minimize it somewhat.
Sometimes when she's going nuts I'll calmly tell her that if she wants to have a fit she's welcome to have it in her room and to come back out and join us when she's done. I find the tantrums fizzle faster without an audience. She'll go to her room and come back a couple of minutes later happy and ready to go on with our day. Occasionally when I say that she'll cut the tantrum off instantly, like turning a switch. Those are the times I know she's really just making a scene to see if it will work. I once heard someone describe children and infants as "tiny scientists" and to me that is a tiny scientist moment. She will run an experiment, when the experiment fails in some predictable way she'll abandon it and move on.
Sometimes we'll talk a little about what just happened, especially for a "first offense", iykwim. I'll say something like "Do you know why I took your toy away?" and she might or might not answer depending on whether she's still mad at me but I'll give a simple explanation and we move on. I'll also usually issue a gentle reminder when the time comes to return the toy (usually the next day in our house) that if there is a repeat of the previous incident it will be removed again, if it recurs repeatedly the toy will be removed permanently.
The most important thing for me is to not feed the "beast". I know if I get upset it will get worse. And I know that for my daughter at least, the more engaged or involved I get with her in that moment, the more upset she'll get and the longer the whole thing will drag on.
Miss Chris
