Wanting But Waiting Tribe *2010* - Page 7

[lyterae]

I'm lurking here as I wait. DD just turned 4 and our TTC plans have been "pushed" multiple times.. It was supposed to be the summer of 2008, then it was fall of 2008 then it was fall of 2009... and now it's winter 2010 and my heart breaks every month as I wait for AF again.

I bring it up every month because I simply can't help it anymore, the past two months I've spent the first few days of AF crying because that means I'm not pregnant. We aren't trying I just keep hoping that somehow or the other there will be an oops. DH is perfectly okay with an oops, but is against "trying" or not preventing.

When we first started talking about ttc #2 (back in 2008) I did get the sense that it was just something we would do because I wanted to and because obviously he was supposed to have more kids. It's only been in the past couple of months that I've finally gotten a sense that he will be just as excited as me when we finally get a BFP.

We took a Dave Ramsey course through the fall and we are working hard at paying off debt but it may still take us another 2 years. I'm hopeful that even if that is the case that we will be able to TTC in winter of 2011 (that sounds so far away!) because DD will start Kindergarten in fall of 2011 and because we should be mostly done with paying things off at that point in time.

[1*Lucky*Mama]

lwas

Brown Lioness

I could have written those same questions a couple of months ago. It was so so so hard for me to get my head around why he wouldnt want anymore? I thought maybe he didnt want more with me, or that they were overwhelming him, or the expense etc etc.. I would bring it up often and I knew in the back of my mind what his answer would always be..."I dont want any more children" . Ugh so heartbreaking to hear...

When I would broah the subject, It would often start with a conversation about how I was feeling lately and I would often express to him that I am hurting because we have such different feelings on that issue. I would say to him, I wish so bad that you would feel the way I do, and if you wont ever, I wish I could feel how you do because this is KILLING ME. I would tell him that I understand his reasons, and there were 100 reasons not to, but that my want for another seemed to trump all of those for me. I told him that I respect his choice, but I dont like it, and for him, and his happiness I was willing to try to move past it, although I honestly dont think I ever would. I told him, I would always regret having not having this baby, but when he/she is here, we would never regret that.

Then a week or two would pass, sometimes much less than that , and I would tell him, I am trying but it is still in my heart. He would give his reasons again, I would leave the convo. heartbroken but again try to understand him.

Finally, last month, I said to him , look I cant do this anymore. You need to get a vasectomy if we are really done because it kills me to always wonder if maybe we might have an oopsie, and It hurts too much to know that the person I feel missing from our family might happen, and if it does, you would be upset and I would be over the moon! So he was like, this really means a lot to you doesnt it? I said to him, you have no idea. So he wanted to take a week to think about it, and I thought, ya whatever,same as always... Then he came ot me and said, Lets do it.

Like you were wondering, how can I be sure he wants this and not just keeping me happy? I guess you cant be sure. I asked him many times if he means it, because I would rather have no baby at all, than have one that he had just to please me. He reminded me that no, that isnt it all. He said no for a good 1.5 years, because he wasnt ready yet, and that he wouldnt never bring a life into this world unless he was sure, you cant take this back. Now, if he really truly means this or not, I am not sure. I am trusitng that he does, and that he will be as happy as I if we get a BFP in our future. It is such a hard subject, and I remember reading many a thread that said, Oh my DH finally said yes etc. and thinkning that will NEVER be me, my DH was dead set. But here I am, and I cant even describe how shocked, happy, excited etc. I am.

Wow, what a novel LOL

[1*Lucky*Mama]

Ttc

Brown Lioness

I could have written those same questions a couple of months ago. It was so so so hard for me to get my head around why he wouldnt want anymore? I thought maybe he didnt want more with me, or that they were overwhelming him, or the expense etc etc.. I would bring it up often and I knew in the back of my mind what his answer would always be..."I dont want any more children" . Ugh so heartbreaking to hear...

When I would broah the subject, It would often start with a conversation about how I was feeling lately and I would often express to him that I am hurting because we have such different feelings on that issue. I would say to him, I wish so bad that you would feel the way I do, and if you wont ever, I wish I could feel how you do because this is KILLING ME. I would tell him that I understand his reasons, and there were 100 reasons not to, but that my want for another seemed to trump all of those for me. I told him that I respect his choice, but I dont like it, and for him, and his happiness I was willing to try to move past it, although I honestly dont think I ever would. I told him, I would always regret having not having this baby, but when he/she is here, we would never regret that.

Then a week or two would pass, sometimes much less than that , and I would tell him, I am trying but it is still in my heart. He would give his reasons again, I would leave the convo. heartbroken but again try to understand him.

Finally, last month, I said to him , look I cant do this anymore. You need to get a vasectomy if we are really done because it kills me to always wonder if maybe we might have an oopsie, and It hurts too much to know that the person I feel missing from our family might happen, and if it does, you would be upset and I would be over the moon! So he was like, this really means a lot to you doesnt it? I said to him, you have no idea. So he wanted to take a week to think about it, and I thought, ya whatever,same as always... Then he came ot me and said, Lets do it.

Like you were wondering, how can I be sure he wants this and not just keeping me happy? I guess you cant be sure. I asked him many times if he means it, because I would rather have no baby at all, than have one that he had just to please me. He reminded me that no, that isnt it all. He said no for a good 1.5 years, because he wasnt ready yet, and that he wouldnt never bring a life into this world unless he was sure, you cant take this back. Now, if he really truly means this or not, I am not sure. I am trusitng that he does, and that he will be as happy as I if we get a BFP in our future. It is such a hard subject, and I remember reading many a thread that said, Oh my DH finally said yes etc. and thinkning that will NEVER be me, my DH was dead set. But here I am, and I cant even describe how shocked, happy, excited etc. I am.

Wow, what a novel LOL

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by Brown Lioness

Ok, i have a question, ...how do you mama's keep bringing up TTC a baby or another baby even when your partner has already said no?

Gently. With a lot of respect. And with hope.
When I wanted my first, I didn't bring it up every day or every week. Maybe every cycle. I can't recall. But I knew he would come around eventually, I just didn't know when. We finally had a conversation about setting a time line, and I know I tried hard not to bring it up or bug him about it until about a month or so before he said we could revisit it.
These days, I just throw it out there. "DD said she wants a little brother or sister," with a smirk. Or, "We definitely can't have another baby in this house, so lets get going with finishing the upstairs." It's just making it a part of conversation for me. I'm not a confrontational kind of person.

It's hard. But just b/c your partner says no doesn't mean "end of discussion" for me. It means maybe give some time, wait till more pieces are in place, and don't let them forget that it's still weighing on your mind.

AFM - today, at Target, Nora started melting down and I saw a Mama with a boy not too much older than Nora and a newborn. Whoa. Talk about a reality check. I quickly realized it would be a circus trying to get out the door w/a toddler and a newborn by myself.
I know it gets done, and I know I *could* do it, but it was just another reminder to be thankful for my one child and be happy for now!

[Mother Cake]

I've been mostly lurking b/c I don't have anything to add to the discussion on getting partners to be willing to TTC, but I wanted to post an update.

It looks like we are going to have to wait until later this spring to start TTC (I had originally said march). I really want to at least be unpacked into our new apartment before getting pregnant, which might have been possible if I hadn't gotten an infection in the gums around one of my wisdom teeth, and then been told I really needed to have them all out. NOW. So I am now recovering, slowly, from oral surgery. I had twilight sleep sedation during the surgery, so I want to wait at least two months for the drugs to fullly clear my system before TTC, since one of them is a known teretogen. So that puts us back to mid April at the earliest.

I am kind of bummed, and kind of relieved. I've wanted kids all my life, but now that I am thisclose to acctually starting to TTC, I'm scared. I thought I was "ready" years ago, and now it is hitting me that I am not ready AT ALL.

Ugh. Mostly I do want a baby, and soon, but sometimes I freak out when I think about what a huge change it will be. Thanks for listenting to me vent.

[leaveit2beeker]

Hi ladies! I have one 2 y/o and we miscarried our second in January. I didn't realize how crazy I would become for another baby... I would like to get through my angel baby's due date before we try to conceive again. Also, we'd have to find a bigger place!!

Looking forward to sharing and chatting with all of you!

[Neuromancer]

Originally Posted by Brown Lioness

Ok, i have a question, ...how do you mama's keep bringing up TTC a baby or another baby even when your partner has already said no? I mean, i guess i have a fear about having conversation after conversation only to get the same answer. There would be only so many times I could cry over it, you know?

So, how in the world are you gathering the courage to keep bringing in up again knowing that they've already said their piece?

Also, dont you ever feel like once they DO say yes, that its like a surrender of some sort? Like, they are finally just giving in to you just to get you to drop the issue and restore peace in the home? How do you truly know that they are excited and actually into having another baby versus just playing along to keep you happy/keep the peace?

I ask these in love, no snark.

Well, mine has never said 'no" OR "yes," so I'm just trying to help us come to a decision!

[Ardor]

I have to say that I'm actually happy to see AF show up today. This means that if I get pregnant anytime from here on out, I won't be giving birth until I graduate college! Well, assuming I have another boring long pregnancy This feels like such a milestone. I remember thinking about this last year and March sounded so far away. I know we aren't really officially trying until this December, but knowing that we don't have to work as hard to prevent gives me a lot of relief.

[BettinaAuSucre]

Thats great,Ardor!!! If i dont get pregnant until the summer, i will have graduated too before i have the kid. Let's stick this out together!

[Ardor]

Originally Posted by BettinaAuSucre

Thats great,Ardor!!! If i dont get pregnant until the summer, i will have graduated too before i have the kid. Let's stick this out together!

It will be great not having to worry about more life events adding years to my BA! And to make it even more positive - every month from now that I don't get pregnant is another month I'll be able to relax at the end of my pregnancy Last time I was working until 41.5 weeks just thinking I'd go into labor and get to take maternity leave, but I kept on being pregnant. Next time I'm going to go on leave at 39 weeks and just relax at home and play with my kids and rest and not worry about making a bit more money, saving up a bit more vacation, etc. before I have the baby.

What will your degree be in?

[nerdymom]

Ugh, found out DH is on a 3 year billet instead of a 4 year billet. Which means that we're going to be moving in the summer of 2011. We wanted to start TTC in Oct/Nov this year, which would probably leave me pg during our move and having to try to transfer care to a MW for an HBAC. I really want MY MW, the one who stuck with me through DS's complicated birthing, I keep seeing it in my mind as a very healing process. I need her this time. Now I don't know what to do.

[libranbutterfly]

I don't know what I have posted here, or if any of you even remember me posting on ere, but wanted to share my latest news. DH and I have had many conversations about having another, and he has said that he wants one too ( : ), we just have really one thing holding us back right now.

We need a bigger place. Our lease is up here at the end of March, and the rent is paid up until then, and we found a 4 bedroom apartment, closer to work/school/everything, for only $130 more per month than our cramped 2 bedroom basement apartment. It is not that we need more space for the baby necessarily, just for our hobbies and better storage. If we get the 4 bedroom place, we will have our bedroom, the girls a bedroom, a playroom, and a craft/guest room. With space for a playroom, I can do more childcare in my home, and maybe even break free from my baby container loving child care center for awhile on my path towards my own childcare center.

After we get a bigger place, we just have to organize and plan out the space, and DH wants to try to live an uncluttered life for a few months before we add baby gear, since we tend to get very cluttered quickly.

So, I now have a realistic timeline. I still am not in the mood to wait, but, the end is in sight for me

[Blanca78]

Originally Posted by libranbutterfly

I don't know what I have posted here, or if any of you even remember me posting on ere, but wanted to share my latest news. DH and I have had many conversations about having another, and he has said that he wants one too ( : ), we just have really one thing holding us back right now.

We need a bigger place. Our lease is up here at the end of March, and the rent is paid up until then, and we found a 4 bedroom apartment, closer to work/school/everything, for only $130 more per month than our cramped 2 bedroom basement apartment. It is not that we need more space for the baby necessarily, just for our hobbies and better storage. If we get the 4 bedroom place, we will have our bedroom, the girls a bedroom, a playroom, and a craft/guest room. With space for a playroom, I can do more childcare in my home, and maybe even break free from my baby container loving child care center for awhile on my path towards my own childcare center.

After we get a bigger place, we just have to organize and plan out the space, and DH wants to try to live an uncluttered life for a few months before we add baby gear, since we tend to get very cluttered quickly.

So, I now have a realistic timeline. I still am not in the mood to wait, but, the end is in sight for me

That is GREAT news about the new place--it sounds perfect! I'm like you in that I don't want to wait, but we're looking at this summer. It really does not makes sense to try earlier than that because of my school schedule--I just know in the bottom of my heart that if I were to get pregnant sooner than that I wouldn't finish my master's degree--I'm supposed to write my thesis this coming year. Or at least, it would be greatly, greatly delayed. I so wish I had gone back to school a couple years earlier--I just turned 32 and don't want to wait any longer for kids. In a way it was almost good that I had a molar pregnancy, because there is an enforced wait time and the timing really is better this way in terms of finishing school. However, it is so, so hard. Everywhere someone else in my age group is getting pregnant, and those with babies keep posting the most adorable pictures on Facebook--I'm so impatient. I want a baby NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW.

[lyterae]

I thought an official post might be in order as I need a place to wait...

My daughter turned four in February and we are presently wanting but waiting until.. I don't know when. I think that the fall of 2012 might be the most realistic timeframe, I just don't want to think that it could be that far off.

We are not financially secure enough at this point in time, we are working on getting out of debt so that I will have the option to take time off work or choose to stay home. So that we can afford a midwife (no VBAC hospitals near us) and while I know those are all important things.. I ache every month for a baby, I spend the first day of AF just in fog because it means I'm not pregnant. The past few months it's been particulary difficult and I'm trying to find a way to make it liveable when I know I have so much longer to wait.

I think one of the things I feel saddest about is that I really wanted our "spacing" to be better, B. has been asking for a sibling for over 6 months now. By the time she is a big sister she will be at least 5.5, maybe older. B was a surprise, she was about 4 years earlier than we anticipated having kids (I'll be 25 this year).

I've started making a list of things that I know we have to have done before we are done "waiting". I'm hoping to check off as many as I can, most of them are little things that I keep ignoring because I'm still in limbo.

I finally picked up some folic acid at the store today, I've been intending to start on some just because technically there is always the chance that I could become pregnant. I also want to start exercising regularly as it is something I intend to do during pregnancy next time around. I want to be ready so that as soon as we are out of debt we can just go for it instead of finally getting on the ball to lose the 20 lbs I wanted to lose before getting pregnant.

[libranbutterfly]

Urrrggg......DH added one more stipulation to us TTC today. He wants Lexi (our three year old) to be completely potty trained with no accidents for 1 month before we TTC. She is being so stubborn about potty learning that I feel this will be what holds us back now. Oh well....he watched me ohh and awww over all the newborn pictures from our local hospital today, and look at several things to get as a gift for my coworker (now that we know her baby is a girl ) Almost every thing, I pointed out what we could do with the one for our baby when it is time.

[Sk8ermaiden]

I am here. Wanting but waiting until January 2011 for HBAC reasons. As much as I know I don't need a newborn in nine months, it doesn't stop me from wanting one.

[Logan]

I started taking my prenatals yesterday and I feel way better. I feel like at least Im doing something productive now! AF is still MIA. Its beginning to get frustrating because I had it back at 6 weeks last time. At first I was glad because I wasnt ready to TTC yet so it made not trying easier. But if it comes back I feel like I will probably want to try early. Im soooo clucky. Its driving me crazy not being able to try even if I want to. Anyone know any ideas to help bring the cycle back???

[Ola_]

Originally Posted by Neuromancer

I'm reading Naomi Wolf's Misconceptions and trying to work out my reasons for wanting a baby (I would like to have a good reason, but am not sure there really is one). I read my husband a passage from the book last night about how a baby should be born into a strong support system and be accepted as its own entity -- not just as an extension of the parents. Anyway, Wolf put it better than I could. It opened up a conversation that left me feeling better about my husband adapting to life with a baby. I've been worried that he'll see all of his freedom as disappearing, but I have to give him more credit as someone I love and trust to step up to the challenge.

After reading about it on this thread, I picked up "Misconceptions" at the library today. I'm really enjoying it so far!

[Oriole]

Can one explode from wanting a baby?

My sister just had twins. It's eye-opening how much work babies actually take. But I can't wait to make it all my own. DP is no longer saying "NO", he seems to be thinking about it.

I'm not very patient. My Wish List is well on the way on Amazon... we are talking cloth diapers, we are talking baby outfits, we talking toys. *sigh*

I try not to smother DP with my baby talk, but he's been super patient. Hope he will crack soon. We are out of unemployment finally!

[Blanca78]

Originally Posted by Oriole

Can one explode from wanting a baby?

My sister just had twins. It's eye-opening how much work babies actually take. But I can't wait to make it all my own. DP is no longer saying "NO", he seems to be thinking about it.

I'm not very patient. My Wish List is well on the way on Amazon... we are talking cloth diapers, we are talking baby outfits, we talking toys. *sigh*

I try not to smother DP with my baby talk, but he's been super patient. Hope he will crack soon. We are out of unemployment finally!

OMG I am so there with you. It's torture.