When Kids Say No - Page 2

[chinaKat]

Originally Posted by meemee

just because i am her mother and i say so doesnt mean she has to do it.

Actually, I am of the opposite opinion. But that's probably not a popular view around here.

If I ask my kid to do something to help out and she dismisses me with a "no, I don't feel like it right now" that just isn't going to fly in my house.

Everybody is expected to help out. My kids holler to me all the time for help and I drop things to go help them. I expect them to help me when I need it.

[zinemama]

Whether you phrase it as "asking" or "telling" there is always the possibility that a kid will say "No."

If that happens, I might describe what happened. "Hm. I asked you to get me a spoon and you said "No" - and let that statement hang there a minute.

When they hear it like that, they tend to reconsider and do whatever it was.

And I don't have a problem with expecting my kids to do what I ask. No worries that they'll be set up for being taken advantage of by strangers because they do what their (known and loved) parents tell them.

[Mylie]

Originally Posted by bebebradford

No is not an option in my house . Then again, I usually do not ask.. I say " DD/DS I need you to go do so and so.. thank you!" If I let them start telling me no NOW, there's no telling the can of worms that would be opened up later on.

Same here..I will say L Please pick up your book and put it back on the shelf. Most of the time she will..But if she is being onery(and 2 year olds can be LOL)and says no!!! I just walk over to her take her hand and say Mama says Yes....and I will lead her to the book and say again L Please pick up your book and put it away...And then she usually will..Then I will say Thank you..I am trying to be consistant and create good habits buy letting her know that by saying NO!!!! it won't neccisarilly get her own way.

She has only done this once but if she throws a serious tantrum at "picking" up the book I will just walk over to her pick her up and set her on the couch with her blanket and walk away..This allows her to calm down..Then I will tell her again to Please pick up her book..Usually she does but if she doesn't I will take her hand and again say Mama says yes...and walk her over to the book and say again please pick up your book L..

I also watch to see if she is totally frustrated and that is why she says no..Like if all her kitchen food/dishes are on the floor..Then I will get down on the floor and grab the bucket and say L...Come help mama clean up the play food...I help her because I want her to know that she can ask for help if she needs it..

But I feel at 28 months if I don't let her know that saying no to mama isn't always allowed then later it might become a bigger problem.And I can see this happening because L is very stubborn and hard headed

Just my HO...Hope you get it all worked out..

[meemee]

Originally Posted by chinaKat

Actually, I am of the opposite opinion. But that's probably not a popular view around here.

If I ask my kid to do something to help out and she dismisses me with a "no, I don't feel like it right now" that just isn't going to fly in my house.

Everybody is expected to help out. My kids holler to me all the time for help and I drop things to go help them. I expect them to help me when I need it.

hey its OK to be different

i think we intuitively do whats best for our children.

it works best in our house btw dd and me - that we look at it as two people living in shared space - rather than the adult child situation.

i rarely, rarely hear dd say no. with things that she hates like picking up her toys she will do it in a giffy if it needs to be done now. otherwise i give her a reasonable amount of time and she does it.

she likes to be in charge sometimes. she is an extremely independent and mature child. and having no expectations really helps her actually do it.

she looooooooves helping. most of the times it more of 'mommy what can i do'. when we clean we clean together. i complain and she complains how we hate cleaning. how we wish we could afford cleaning ladies. but until then we will just have to do it ourselves.

[Mountaingirl79]

Hmmm. Good topic. Im in the non-issue camp. I think it's also how you phrase it. There are times where if I say, " Can you do me a favor and _____?" and if they say " No, I'm doing ____ right now." I will get up and do it myself. I was prepared, if I asked for a favor, I guess. :-)

If I say to them, " Please pick that up and take it to the kitchen." I expect them to do it pretty timely, unless they say " Okay, I just want to finish this chapter." Then I give them some leeway.

I don't really get flat out "no's." If I did, I would probably say " I asked you nicely. Now DO IT"

[jeteaa]

I give a quick lecture about how we work as a family and we all need to run the house together and help one another. And then if they still say NO about helping me then I give them an example of how I help them....

[ann_of_loxley]

I tend to say 'okay'. Because at the end of the day, its their choice.
If I find its something that will really be of help to me - like real help and not just be being kinda lazy (lol), then I may explain to them why I would like them to do X,Y,Z,etc.
Like...for example: 'Can you hand me my slippers please?' - 'No'...'Okay'... get off my lazy bum and get them (only asked cause I just sat down and he was closer lol). Or perhaps...: 'Can you get me the new bottle of shampoo out of the bathroom drawer for me?' - 'No'. 'Oh I see you are playing...It would be really helpful for me though cause I was so silly and forgot I needed it and now I am all wet in the shower!'...'Oh okay...'. or 'Can you run upstairs and get our jackets please' - 'No'...'It would be really helpful for you to get those whilst I pack our lunches so we can leave the house to get to the playground sooner'...'Okay!'.

It never goes farther than that really. And I don't get 'no' often anyhow. I tend to be pretty reasonable myself as well - and pretty pleasing to others too. I am happy to fetch my son something if he askes me for example, even if he is just being lazy unless I am feeling pretty lazy too and then he will also just accept my no. DH is the same. I don't see it as a right or wrong or competition kind of thing or do it just because I say so kinda thing either. Our house just tends to flow.

[Jessy1019]

If you ask a question, you should be prepared for an honest answer, not the one you want to hear.

I'd let it go and do it myself, if I asked something like that. I always try to say, "Please do ____," instead, but sometimes I mess up and then, it's my fault and I'm stuck doing whatever it is myself.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

I think there are two different issues here: asking for "favor" help from a family member and not following an established, enforcible house rule.

Either way the kiddo has every right to deline, but when it's saying NO to a rule, there is a natural consequence. Example, if he says no to picking up a mess: ok, that's fine. We don't move on to another activity or tv until it gets done. not negotiable.
But, if he declines to go to get me a cup or socks or whatever that's fine. I try to reiterate that it's nice to help out, but sometimes I say no too...it's a two way street. I don't always drop what I'm doing to meet his request (unless it's dire, of course) so i don't generally expect the same.

It's what works for us...

And, in the end, no matter what is expected from a "child", they will always have the power of NO...even if they don't realize that now.
I feel better accepting that now and respecting it's power.

:-)

[chirp]

Originally Posted by mamazee

If I ask, I recognize that "no" is a reasonable answer to a request. Therefore, I only ask if I will accept "no". If there's not a choice, I'd say, "Honey, get a spoon for me please." No asking.

this.

[momo7]

For me it's like this: Will you please get mommy a spoon?
No.
ok. Then I get it myself. I tell them that it's wrong to not help me if I ask for help.
Later, when they want something and I say no, they understand what it is to want help and not get it. We may have to run through this scenario once or twice more then they get the point. When a child gives rejection they don't understand what they are doing. Once the receive it in return they get the point rather quickly. I really believe that teaching children like this opens up a whole new way of perceiving things. They are able to understand it in a clearer manner.

[chirp]

Originally Posted by momo7

For me it's like this: Will you please get mommy a spoon?
No.
ok. Then I get it myself. I tell them that it's wrong to not help me if I ask for help.
Later, when they want something and I say no, they understand what it is to want help and not get it. We may have to run through this scenario once or twice more then they get the point. When a child gives rejection they don't understand what they are doing. Once the receive it in return they get the point rather quickly. I really believe that teaching children like this opens up a whole new way of perceiving things. They are able to understand it in a clearer manner.

hmmm...i'm hoping this isn't going to sound snarky and get me all moderated upon...but i feel like this method is kind of vengeful in a way.

It's not necessarily wrong to NOT help someone when they need help. Sometimes it's perfectly appropriate not to help someone, especially if the helper is not in a position to help, but just feels obligated to. Then they put their own well-being and needs/wants in second place, just so they can help someone.

Also, to say no, just because someone said no to you, seems kind of vindictive.

Does this work for you? Exactly how are the children expressing that they understand the point? Are you sure that they are not just feeling obligated to help you. Like you won't be there for them unless they do help you everytime??

I'm just having a hard time trying to imagine this situation NOT being manipulative.

[Needle in the Hay]

This thread made me realize that when I need a favor from DS, even if there is really not an option to say no, I still ask him. However those times when I really need him to do it ("Could you please run downstairs and fetch me a roll of toilet paper?" comes to mind) he will do it for me. He doesn't want to leave me in the lurch when I really need him and it feels right to ask him nicely (as I would anyone else) rather than issue an order.

I get that in some cases phrasing it as a directive makes it easier, though. Obviously if my son said "No" when I asked him to get the TP I'd need to reevaluate!

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Whether you phrase it as "asking" or "telling" there is always the possibility that a kid will say "No."

If that happens, I might describe what happened. "Hm. I asked you to get me a spoon and you said "No" - and let that statement hang there a minute.

When they hear it like that, they tend to reconsider and do whatever it was.

And I don't have a problem with expecting my kids to do what I ask. No worries that they'll be set up for being taken advantage of by strangers because they do what their (known and loved) parents tell them.

Originally Posted by mamazee

If I ask, I recognize that "no" is a reasonable answer to a request. Therefore, I only ask if I will accept "no". If there's not a choice, I'd say, "Honey, get a spoon for me please." No asking.

Both these things. My two year old gets more leeway, but my seven year old realizes that we work together as a team. I tend not to ask unreasonable things, and she knows I'll drop just about anything to give her a quick hand, so it all evens out.

[cappuccinosmom]

If I ask, I recognize that "no" is a reasonable answer to a request. Therefore, I only ask if I will accept "no". If there's not a choice, I'd say, "Honey, get a spoon for me please." No asking.

This.

If I ask a favor of anyone, I need to be able to accept "No" as an answer. Makeing it a question or request leaves open in anyone's mind that there are more than one acceptable answers, and a child, especially, doesn't have a sense that it's socially inappropriate in most cases to not help someone who needs it. So, if "No" isn't an option, I don't make it a request, but a requirement. Intead of "Are you willing to...?" it is phrased "Here are the children's plates, son, please put them on the table for me. Thank you!" or "This evening your job is to count out 6 forks to put on the table".

[peaceful_mama]

I am working on watching how much I ask them to do and how *I* respond when they ask *ME* to do something.

because of course if *I* get to say "NO, I don't want to" why can't they?!

Can I do it myself? Then maybe I should.

There's always the "It's time to pick up your toys" instead of "Can you" or "Will you" That seems to help.

Oh and in our house, nothing gets--espeically dd but sometimes ds--to move faster than, after hearing the "NO" "Oh, well, 'other one' Will you please..."

Sometimes "Who wants to...XYZ" works too. I'll usually get one to answer.

(what I *hate* is what my mom does, "DD, will you pick up these toys? DS won't do it..." grrrrrr)

It depends on what it is. A refusal to do something for me that I can darn well do myself will probably get me to do it myself. A refusal to do something like clean up a mess you made with your toys is likely to make those toys disappear if I have to pick them up myself.

Mental note: :note "start telling kids more that we need to all work together as a family to...'keep our house clean', 'get dinner on the table' " whatever it is that I'm trying to get them to help with...........reason might help...

[eepster]

What's wrong with saying "NO." I think everyone should learn how to say "NO."

When ones drug addicted cousins asks if he can barrow $50, "NO" is a very good answer.

When the guy your going on a first date with wants to take it all the way in the back seat, "NO" is a very good answer.

When the telemarketer from so bizarre charity that you've never ever heard of calls and asks for a donation, "NO" is a very good answer.

When randomly pulled over by the police and they ask if they can look in your trunk, "NO" is a legally acceptable answer, and everyone should know they have that right.

When you in the middle of typing a post on MDC and your DP asks you to make him/her a sandwich, "NO" is a very good answer.

Embrace the power of "NO!" and do not deny it to your children.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by eepster

What's wrong with saying "NO." I think everyone should learn how to say "NO."

When ones drug addicted cousins asks if he can barrow $50, "NO" is a very good answer.

When the guy your going on a first date with wants to take it all the way in the back seat, "NO" is a very good answer.

When the telemarketer from so bizarre charity that you've never ever heard of calls and asks for a donation, "NO" is a very good answer.

When randomly pulled over by the police and they ask if they can look in your trunk, "NO" is a legally acceptable answer, and everyone should know they have that right.

When you in the middle of typing a post on MDC and your DP asks you to make him/her a sandwich, "NO" is a very good answer.

Embrace the power of "NO!" and do not deny it to your children.

But as a pp pointed out - if I ask my seven year old to please get me a diaper for her younger sister, that's a reasonable request, and part of being a contributing member of our family. The above scenarios are different, and require different levels of thought... And FTR, there are at least a couple scenarios you've listed that I would have said 'yes' to.

[mamazee]

I dont' mind my dd saying "no" because people aren't always able to do what I'd like them to do, and she's a person. She sometimes has very good reasons for not being able to do things. I just ask her why she can't. If it doesn't seem like a fair reason to me, I say, "I can't do two things at once and I really need help." She's reasonable and if she knows I really need something and if she doesn't have a good reason to not do it, she does help. She is a helpful person and likes to help. This is not an area where we have problems, and she is not an easy child by a long shot.

[chirp]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

But as a pp pointed out - if I ask my seven year old to please get me a diaper for her younger sister, that's a reasonable request, and part of being a contributing member of our family. The above scenarios are different, and require different levels of thought... And FTR, there are at least a couple scenarios you've listed that I would have said 'yes' to.

i hear you in this respect...but I feel like children have to learn how to use the word no. And saying it even to a reasonable request is part of that.

I can't quite put into words what I am thinking. But it seems like a child who is ALWAYS compliant would have a harder time saying no in an appropriate situation than a child who has used the word and seen it's effect on people and knows what to expect.

This is coming from a former VERY compliant child. With a very non-compliant sibling. As we became adults he found himself in a lot fewer awkward situations, and actually with a lot more friends. Of course there are other things different about our personalities...but for me at least, I know certain areas of my life would be a lot easier for me had I learned to say NO at an earlier age.