Christine, are you seeing a counselor or have considered seeing one? It sounds like in addition to the bonding and breastfeeding issues, you may need to work through the loss of your birth experience as well.
You sound a lot like me when I had my first. I had spent 13 months straight being pregnant because of a second trimester lost of my first baby. I really wanted to give birth in a birth center, but with all the stress my pregnancy went terribly wrong at 26 weeks. I ended up in pre-term labor, spent a week in the hospital, was transfered to the birth center's backup OB practice, and finally was sent home afterward to strict bedrest with a terbutaline pump for 10 weeks. This threw all of my birth plans out the window. In a twist of irony my pregnancy ended with an pitocin augmentation at 38 weeks for pre-eclampsia. I really mourned the loss of my "perfect birth."
By the second day of Gavin's life, I realized that he wasn't latching right. My milk had come in and like you I had an overabundant supply. This made Gavin's latch issues worse. He lost so much weight his first two weeks of life despite syringe and cup feedings. We were seen by 2 lactation consultants, 2 LLL leaders, and a few pediatricians. No one could help us. No one realized at that time that Gavin had a posterior tongue tie. I felt so hopeless and thought I had already failed miserably as a mother. I started pumping exclusively and trying to latch Gavin whenever I had time. It was exhausting pumping and feeding. Then the reflux started. Along with that came the constant screaming. Thankfully he was a good sleeper (probably from exhaustion), but when he was awake I always felt inadequate. Apparently so did my husband who also slipped into a deep depression. Fatherhood was nothing like he thought it would be. He drifted further from us and I was suddenly all alone dealing with a high needs baby I couldn't mother "right." We had family nearby, but no one was helpful, just meddlesome.
I bonded with Gavin right away, but I also had tremendous mother guilt and resentment. I felt resentment toward our family who couldn't offer me the kind of support I desperately needed. I resented my husband who had emotionally abandoned me and our son. I even resented Gavin on occasion.
Seeing a counselor really helped. So did attending LLL meetings and joining a playgroup of new moms. When I was finally able to forge a new support network, I started to feel better. I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for the ladies at LLL who cheered me on for exclusively pumping and not giving up on trying to offer my baby breastmilk despite the hardships. I would have been lost without my new mother friends who reassured me that I wasn't alone or a bad mother. Most importantly having the objective, non-judmental ear of a counselor helped put everything into perspective.
Things won't be like this forever. There is always sunshine at the end of every storm. I hope you are able to find something that helps you feel better soon.
You sound a lot like me when I had my first. I had spent 13 months straight being pregnant because of a second trimester lost of my first baby. I really wanted to give birth in a birth center, but with all the stress my pregnancy went terribly wrong at 26 weeks. I ended up in pre-term labor, spent a week in the hospital, was transfered to the birth center's backup OB practice, and finally was sent home afterward to strict bedrest with a terbutaline pump for 10 weeks. This threw all of my birth plans out the window. In a twist of irony my pregnancy ended with an pitocin augmentation at 38 weeks for pre-eclampsia. I really mourned the loss of my "perfect birth."
By the second day of Gavin's life, I realized that he wasn't latching right. My milk had come in and like you I had an overabundant supply. This made Gavin's latch issues worse. He lost so much weight his first two weeks of life despite syringe and cup feedings. We were seen by 2 lactation consultants, 2 LLL leaders, and a few pediatricians. No one could help us. No one realized at that time that Gavin had a posterior tongue tie. I felt so hopeless and thought I had already failed miserably as a mother. I started pumping exclusively and trying to latch Gavin whenever I had time. It was exhausting pumping and feeding. Then the reflux started. Along with that came the constant screaming. Thankfully he was a good sleeper (probably from exhaustion), but when he was awake I always felt inadequate. Apparently so did my husband who also slipped into a deep depression. Fatherhood was nothing like he thought it would be. He drifted further from us and I was suddenly all alone dealing with a high needs baby I couldn't mother "right." We had family nearby, but no one was helpful, just meddlesome.
I bonded with Gavin right away, but I also had tremendous mother guilt and resentment. I felt resentment toward our family who couldn't offer me the kind of support I desperately needed. I resented my husband who had emotionally abandoned me and our son. I even resented Gavin on occasion.
Seeing a counselor really helped. So did attending LLL meetings and joining a playgroup of new moms. When I was finally able to forge a new support network, I started to feel better. I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for the ladies at LLL who cheered me on for exclusively pumping and not giving up on trying to offer my baby breastmilk despite the hardships. I would have been lost without my new mother friends who reassured me that I wasn't alone or a bad mother. Most importantly having the objective, non-judmental ear of a counselor helped put everything into perspective.
Things won't be like this forever. There is always sunshine at the end of every storm. I hope you are able to find something that helps you feel better soon.
I feel so guilty because of it. Everything just seems so hard and I feel so hopeless a lot of the time. I keep wondering how I am going to get through all this. Will it ever get better?
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