someone called the police on me, advice? - Page 2

[Purple Cat]

I don't mean to flame you. But I would have called the police, not to be mean, but out of concern that you would have left the children alone in a SRO. It's not the same as being downstairs in a large house while your little one is upstairs alone.

I'm concerned that you seem to have left the decision to go with you up to your 4 year-old, and leaving him, basically because he did not want to go with you. When safety is at issue, such as here, you need to be the decisionmaker, not your 4 year-old.

[PreggieUBA2C]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

I think it is sad you cannot leave a 4 yr old alone to quickly nip out to the laundryroom or go online. I know many 4 yrs are not Ok with this, but some are, and for the most part I trust moms to know whether or not it is Ok to leave their kids.

Obviously, however, you cannot go anywhere in the building anymore without your kids.

kathy

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly, but it sounds like you locked him in the room and went downstairs, and he couldn't open the door by himself, right? And no one could get in because the door was locked?

I totally don't see anything wrong with that. If that's the case, I don't think the police should have been called. I've certainly left my 4 year old alone in the house while I went out to check the mail, or water the plants, or any number of things outside while she's inside.

Originally Posted by pigpokey

I agree with this perspective. As did the police.

I remember being four and I was left inside in my bedroom while my parents went to a neighbour's backyard. I also wandered around the neighbourhood alone and the following year, when I was five, had primary care of my then 2.5 yr old brother (no longer in diapers) as we wandered around for hours at a time, coming back when we heard my mom hollering, sometimes from several streets away from where we were.

I am not comfortable with this with my dc, in a city, but our dc are free range in our rural/mountain/wilderness home during the warm months. For the past year and a half, until December, we had an outhouse. I was leaving four children ages 1-5 yrs alone in our cabin when I had to use it. The outhouse was too small to bring the baby in with me, so he had to be left too. It was about 50 yards away, and I was completely unavailable to my dc when I went. They had access to a full kitchen with propane stove knives, etc... (they can all climb if they want to) and a woodstove with burning fire, and stairs that were really a glorified ladder (scary, but they managed them 100x more easily than me).

Originally Posted by eepster

My guess the reason it was 6 days later was simply b/c the police were busy. They didn't really think your kids were in any danger, but they are obliged to check up on these things, so they came when they had a few minutes free.

I'm not quite sure what exactly you situation is, but I'm thinking kind of like a college dorm room or a room at the YMCA. Is the laundry room one floor away or two or more floors away? Is there a kitchenet that he could set the place on fire with? If he came to the laundry room to find you, is it a safe walk there? Is the walk straight forward or are the halls like maze that he might get lost in? Whether it sounds safe to leave a 4 yo alone for a few minutes would depend a lot on all these factors.

At this point though, even if it really is perfectly safe to leave your DS alone in the room, you can't really do it if someone is going to report you.

Carrying on, as eepster wrote, it is essential to assess the safety of the environment. I did once also live in a building when we had just the three and one was a newborn. Sometimes we wore dirty clothing or the boys wore just their undies/diapers because whenever dh was home, the laundry room was closed, and this went on for two weeks because of his shift rotation at that time (it was aways 80* and above in there). I wouldn't have and didn't ever leave any of my dc alone in that apartment and I couldn't take three small children, one in arms and our laundry all at the same time. But from my above examples, I obviously have since left them alone and while being even further away than I would have been in the laundry room of the building.

You do need support. I have my dh and nobody else, and even that has been utterly intolerable at times- many times. You wrote that you have nobody at all; that cannot go on. There are billions of people on this earth; at least one of them would make a great, trustworthy friend to you. I am just beginning a quest for finding support for my family. I just can't do it all by myself (dh tries, but... for a different forum).

Oh, and when you go in search of a friend, take your son, even if he doesn't want to go.

[Cetan Luta]

I would suggest that you get a baby monitor with a battery powered handset, so that you can still adequately supervise your child if you just need to go down the hall or something. That way, if he needed you, he could call and you would hear him, also it's amazing how you can distinguish the sound of opening a forbidden cabinet, etc. over a baby monitor. I use mine to make sure my kids don't start fights with each other, etc. if I have to step out to check the mail or water the garden. Plus, if anyone hassles you, you can easily demonstrate that your child is nicely supervised. I would not, however trust a 4 yo to their own devices while I was gone for long or further away than the range of a good monitor (I've had my little one choke unexpectedly, and was glad I could hear him over the monitor). Remember too, neighbors sometimes assume what goes on behind closed doors is worse than what they see, and blow minor incidents out of proportion. I hope the situation gets easier for you.

[momtoS]

Am I right to understand that an SRO is similiar set up to a hotel? So, you could have been several floors away?

So....if I were at a hotel that had service in the lobby....I would not go downstairs leaving my 5 year old in the room watching a movie. NOPE.

In a house...I can hear my kids if I go down or upstairs....can you hear your little one from the lobby?

She could open the door for a stranger, she could fill the tub and drown, she could get in trouble with an outlet (stick something in it), she could get out on the balcony, many things.

Also something could happen to you....you could fall on the stairs and sprain your ankle and she could been left longer than just a couple of minutes.

Sorry that your situation is less than ideal. Prehaps you could find someone you trust in the building to watch your little ones while you use the internet? Is there a young preteen or teen that could come with you and keep them busy colouring or reading....that why they are close but the teen could keep them busy? Or can you get walkie talkies for the two of you?

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In my town, in the neighborhoods I have lived in... yes, I would leave a four year old home alone for a few minutes. I lived in a culdesac when my daughter was little, and I left her alone in the house while I ran mail across the street to the neighbors.

But, I think it depends on where I live and how comfortable I feel with my kids in the house alone. I knew my daughter could get into trouble.. but, not leave the house... so, I felt OK with that. A little trouble was OK to me... as long as she couldn't get out front.

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Originally Posted by momtoS

Am I right to understand that an SRO is similiar set up to a hotel? So, you could have been several floors away?

LOL.. See? I pictured it as a house with rooms being rented out to tenants.

Your idea makes more sense.

[crunchy_mommy]

Honestly I might have called the police on you too... hard to say without being there etc.

I bet the 6 days is because a neighbor went home, thought about it, talked to a friend/co-worker about it, whatever & then decided they should call. You know how you see something & a day or two later start thinking that maybe you should've done something?

I wouldn't trust your neighbors either but of course given the situation finding your son was way more important than avoiding trusting them.

I do think a 4yo is too young to be left alone if there are other people in the building. I don't have an older child yet (DS is only 11mos) but I think there is a big difference between leaving your child in a room in your own house while you throw in a load of laundry vs. leaving them locked in a room in a public building. Besides other people being there, the other issue would be if there was a fire or something... would your 4 yo be able to get out quickly without help? I think you need to be able to reach your child quickly (i.e. no locked doors between you) and hear them at all times, which it doesn't sound like you could do in your situation.

I would have told the 4yo he had to come downstairs... If the movie was *that* important than I would've run down with him during a commercial or something so he'd miss as little as possible.

No flaming!! Just saying what I would've done/how I honestly feel... I understand that sometimes we all make quick choices such as yours, that we may or may not regret later! I hope things are OK now w/ regards to the police!

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OH! And, I would have lied to the police. I'd have said "Um.. no, the kids are always with me" then looked confused about why they would say such a thing.

When in doubt... LIE.

[EviesMom]

I think someone in your building discovered that you were leaving them alone when your child was thought missing, then they thought it over a few days, decided it really scared them, and called the police, who then took a few days to clear up their more pressing issues and get around to checking out your situation.

[mom2emnbec]

I should probably start out by saying I have no idea what an SRO is but it sounds like a hotel type of set up. I am not sure if this is a comfort level of the parent or not. I probably would not have called the police on the woman and may not have even confronted on the subject but I may have offered if she ever needed anything to lmk type of thing. However I personally would not feel comfortable doing that. Not only strangers around but such a big place to get lost if they wandered out (as you learned) not like a 2000 sq ft house that the whole thing is childproof, you know well, etc.

We stayed in a small condo hotel for my daughters 1st birthday. The room was like a 1 bedroom apartment, the condo only had 2 floors with maybe 20 rooms tops per floor. There were 4 kids, my then 4 yr old, my 1st birthday girl and my 2.25 yr old nephew plus an older child/teenager my sister who was 15 at the time. There were also 4 adults. Despite that, just leaving the kids alone in the living room while we were discussing dinner options my quick and adventorous nephew managed to pull a close chair over to the door, unlock the top lock and walk out the door. Luckily the door stayed partially open so we quickly realised he was gone but even with 4 adults looking and having contacted the front desk and not a lot of space to search, the stairwells, game room, lobby, we couldnt find him. That is b/c he walked right out the front door, the front desk found him outside the front door in the snow (with no shoes or coat). He could have gotten lost in the snow, wandered into the slippery parking lot or farther onto the main mountain road and that is not even considering kidnapping. This was a 2 yr 3 mo old boy, not very big, not very old who did something he had never done before that we never would have thought he could have done. And that last bit is my point, kids are unpredictable and there is danger out there.

Yes I do leave my 3 and 4 yr old alone in another part of the house but I worry bout it a lot. I leave them downstairs while I put the baby to bed upstairs. I tried keeping them upstairs in their room but they just kept waking the baby up. I lock all doors before I leave them down there but do worry b/c I really cant hear everything going on down there. I think if there were only 1 of them I wouldnt do it b/c I like to think if something was wrong one of them could still come get me or 2 screaming together is louder, etc I am actually more comfortable letting them play outside alone b/c when I do that it is in a fully privacy fenced yard, my sliding glass door is open so I can hear them, I don't leave the 2 rooms the sliding glass door is in for more than a second and I know all my neighbors, including behind us plus we live on the inside part of a circle so the only access to my backyard is through someones yard. Whereas when I am not in earshot things can happen downstairs, usually it is 2 preschoolers collaborating trouble like them sharing a half gallon of ice cream straight from the carton.

Heck I am nervous about leaving my 3 and 4 yr old with my 13 yr old and she is the oldest of 5 kids and 11 grandkids on one side (all live within 2 miles so she sees often), and another cousin on the other side. So she is very used to kids and knows what shes doing, very mature, highly gifted child who like my other kids even sibling wears and has a magic touch in putting new babies to bed though isnt a fan of diapers lol

[Kailey's mom]

no flames here.. just hugs. Sorry about the nosey neighbors. Why the hell can't people just help eachother, instead of getting cps involved in benign situations that can tear a family up?!? I'm all for CPS for abuse/neglect situations. I don't believe this warrented a call.

[SunshineJ]

Eh, I don't see a big deal with it personally. You had the doors locked and your 4 yr old couldn't get out while others couldn't get in. Maybe it's because my kids are advanced, but when either of mine were 4 they were *very* capable of staying out of trouble for 5-10 minutes - especially if I were in the same building. Otoh, I knew a child who if left unattended (with parents in the house) was able to cause more trouble, mischief and mess in 30 seconds than mine did in a month (and mine aren't perfect by any means!). You know your child, you know the safety of your area and that's more than any of us online are familiar with. Would I have called the police? Only if you didn't find your ds right away, and only to help with the search.