son does not like grandma

[beepsandclicks]

Hi there,
Our 2 1/2 year old son does not like his grandma (my mother). I think it is primarily because she has asthma and is always coughing--it scares him, I think. However, there are other things that probably don't help: she never plays with him and I've caught her speaking to him rather sternly a couple of times (things I'd never say, like "Don't cry!" "Don't talk to me that way" and "Stop being such a baby"). Now, I need to add here that I don't care for my mother much myself, although I've never said anything negative about her in front of our son.

It's strange seeing her with him. It has brought up all kinds of icky feelings--remembrances of what it was like being her kid so very long ago. However, despite all that, I do wish they could have a decent relationship. He liked her pretty well up until the last couple of months. Now that he is lukewarm to her (he doesn't want her to hold him, constantly asks for me if the three of us are together), she has become increasingly bitchy to him and to me. I have told her to ease up on him, that he is only a child, that she shouldn't take it so personally, etc, but to no avail.

Anyone else out there in my situation? I want to honor our son's wishes--if he hates to go to grandma's for the weekend (she lives about 3 hours away, so we visit on the weekend maybe every 6 weeks), I hate for him to have to go. On the other hand, I want to also honor my mother's "grandmother-ness" as much as possible.

This is just an awkward situation. I wish I didn't feel compelled to be a part of my mother's life so badly. Ugh!

Debra

[Miss Chris]

Firstly, if you're not comfortable with your mother and don't have a good relationship with her, your son knows. He's watching you every second and gauging what is good and safe and what is bad and dangerous in the world by your reactions, he knows. Also, it is not necessarily a bad thing that he knows. It sounds like your mother is not in the "good and safe" category and it might be best that he is not open or vulnerable to her the way a child would be if they were bonded with their grandmother. I only say this because your description of some of the things she would say to him -"don't be such a baby"- totally uncalled for when talking to an actual baby/toddler, and your description of her behavior toward him as "bitchy" sounds like an emotionally unhealthy person.

If he were just going through an "off" phase with her, which I think is normal in young children, I would say just wait it out and he'll come around. But in this case it seems like your mother might be bordering on unkind and it might be your first priority to protect your son rather than to protect that relationship.

Maybe you can work out a visiting plan that involves meeting your mother in a neutral location for an activity (zoo, lunch, park, whatever...) somewhere between your homes so that you don't have to spend such an extended period of time in her company and to give you the freedom to leave if it gets to be unpleasant. Maybe supplement that with more frequent phone calls, or try Skype. My mother lives on the opposite side of the country from us and both she and my daughter derive a great deal of enjoyment from skyping each other and it allows them to maintain a relationship in short bursts even when we can't see each other in person very often.

Good Luck
Miss Chris

[eepster]

DS never sees his GM. It has been around 2 years since he saw her. Though it would be nice if he had a GM (he only has one, since the other passed away last year,) there is a point at which it's just not worth it.

His living GM was abusive to him. She makes racial comments about him (DH and I are not the same race.) She is just generally really disrespectful to the whole family.

At a certain point, you need to draw a line. I'm not sure you have reached that point, but you need to decide where it is. At what point the relationship go from being beneficial to being malignant?

[A&A]

He's 2.5 and you send him off for the weekend without you? That seems really young, I think. Honor his wishes and don't make him go!

[zensven42]

I see no good reason to force him to associate with her if she is being nasty and verbally abusive to him and he therefore doesn't like her, or even if he just doesn't like her for any reason. Have you tried to communicate with him about his feelings? Maybe he has some other sort of fear which you don't know about. If you want to see her then maybe you can visit, and he can be free to play in a room where she is not, that way he can have access to her should he change his mind. Although if you don't go at all, he can always ask to go to grandma's. It seems to me that you need to let him trust his own instincts and not force it.

[beepsandclicks]

I never said I sent him away alone to be with my mother--my husband does not go with us because he cannot stand her (and his boundaries are much healthier than mine--for sure!), but I am always with him. Not sure how you got that.

Yes, it seems I will need to make some quick adjustments in how I view "honoring family ties." Even though he always warms up to her *somewhat* during our visits (and up until recently he would run and hug and kiss her every time she had an asthma attack), it's not really the environment I would choose for him--or me, for that matter. We don't have a TV, she is constantly in front of her TV watching violent or scary shows, I've asked (nicely) that if she gets him things that they not be plastic (we do wood toys), yet every time we visit there is a new loud plastic toy for him (I leave those down there at her house), she buys him processed sugary food (which I always have to refuse, much to his dismay)..the list goes on and on. She does not seem to respect my decisions as a parent, nor his needs as a child. Not much has changed from when I was a child living under her roof, I suppose.

Last night I was lying in bed thinking about this and I realized that I've been cutting her an immense amount of slack regarding her behavior because she had an utterly horrifying (abusive) childhood. I always attributed that to her unhealthy behavior as an adult, but I see now I can't let that color my son's experiences. I need to just realize that many people suffer horribly as children and move on to become fully functioning, kind adults...it doesn't entitle her to behave badly to me or to my family.

Thanks, all, for your replies. Lots to think about!

Debra

[Kivgaen]

Kids learn what they live. It's really very simple.

I realize that I am making a lot of assumptions with what I am about to say, but I am basing this solely on what I gather of your post and what you have said, and I have imaginatively filled in the blanks for whatever was not said, so if I've made incorrect assumptions, then I apologize in advance.

You don't really have a good relationship with your mother. You may not have "Said" anything, but your son can tell that there is no affection there. Your interactions with her are not happy, or special, or loving, or caring. You aren't trying to connect with her and trying to build on your relationship with her. So why would you expect anything different of your son?

She is your mother. She brought you into this world, she loved you and raised you into the person you are today, and though she may not have done a very good job of it (from the sounds of it), it doesn't mean that she wasn't doing the best that SHE could do. She probably was doing her best.

The answer is really very simple. If you want your son to have a good relationship with his grandmother, to be respectful to her, to love her, etc., then you need to work on YOUR relationship with her.

I would confront your mother, but with a different approach. I would tell her about the things that are bothering you about her behavior, but tell her what you want: "All I want is to have a loving relationship with my mother, and for my son to as well." It doesn't really matter what happened in the past. What happens is the here and now: What do you really want now? If you want her cut out of your life, then do it already! But if you want her in it, then make it special! Make it cherished! If you think that's not possible with her and that she is too toxic and damaged, then it's best to cut her out of your life completely. But I really have more faith in people and their capacity to change than that, I wouldn't give up easily.

[beepsandclicks]

Well said. You are right, I'm not giving our son enough credit about sensing what is really going on with my relationship with my mother.

Thank you for writing. Now I just need to sit and think about which route to choose...I honestly don't think she will react well if I confront her (she never has in the past when I tried to heal our relationship pre-baby), but perhaps I need to reframe how I approach her.

All this conversation is helping. I love this forum.

Debra

[Kivgaen]

I just wanted to add... If you do want to build on your relationship with her and make it special, there are things you can do with your son to make those uncomfortable moments with grandma less so. I always found role-playing through play to be priceless. It's harder with boys, yes, but not impossible. Playing situational role-playing, like setting up a situation that happens frequently at grandma's house (pretend to be grandma, and cough a lot... Then model something funny to say/do afterwards in response) things like that could change the way a child views that situation. Instead of it being scary or negative, it becomes positive. Then the next time you are at grandma's and she's coughing a lot, he won't be scared about it.

Play a game where you are a crying baby, and then the mother figure says "quit crying like a baby", and respond in an appropriate way, like "I'm crying because I'm sad", or "but I am a baby", or whatever you think is appropriate. And then at the end of this, the baby isn't sad any more, and the mother figure and child figure hug and kiss at the end and say "I love you"... etc.

Games are golden with young children. It helps a child to tackle challenging mental problems in a safe setting where they can learn how to handle themselves.

Anyway, I've babbled enough today. I hope my words help you.

[beepsandclicks]

Brilliant. Thanks for the idea!
Keep "babbling" all you want--it's helpful to me!

Debra

[Kivgaen]

I'm glad they have helped you... but I really need to get to work now.

Good luck with grandma