Grumpy Mamas Tribe

[mamabeca]

Well, I don't know how this happened...but I am a grumpy mama a lot of the time. Sometimes I can control it, I can play, have fun with my family. But I can't *always*, it's sometimes just too hard. Hormones? Mood? Change of life (I'm 42)? Not enough me time? Some level of dis-satisfaction with what I've done with my life? Could be a mix, but I wanted to know if there are others out there battling with this?

[kgreenemama]

Does taking everything out on my DH qualify me to be a grumpy mama? He gets the brunt of all my frustration. Maybe 20 percent deservedly so. I have had episodes of grumpiness throughout my life, and I understand your frustration in putting on a happy face when you feel the opposite inside. It's true - you pour everything you have into your family, and sometimes you're left with nothing but an empty vessel. And a really happy family, of course! Which is much to be grateful for. I don't mean to sound UNgrateful, but at the risk of sounding selfish, when do I get to fill that vessel back up with a good book, a yoga class, a movie, coffee with a friend, shoe shopping...

I'm curious, what makes you think you should have pursued other avenues in your life? Career choices? Regrets? And, has depression ever snuck into your life before?

I'll be curious to read how other moms cope with this. I'd love to keep this one rolling!

[mamabeca]

Hi KGM! I think that qualifies. I'm grumpy toward him too. Not yours, lol (only because he's too far away, likely!) but mine. He is sick of it, too. We have a significantly deteriorated relationship, considering the power that brought us together. I wouldn't call this depression in the classic sense, but maybe it is? I've certainly thought about talking to my dr about it, but I haven't. I have a new dr., and right now we are dealing w/some health issues (diabetes #1). So I wanted those to even out before moving into this realm, but maybe I should bring it up.

I had a budding career in community forestry before getting preg. and moving away from school, grants, and career to be w/dh full time and be a sahm. It was my choice, and one I don't regret, though I do often wish I'd stuck out at least part time school and finished my phd, or part time work from the get go and had some kind of life for ME. My younger one is now is almost full time school, and I neeeeed to do something productive w/myself. I've been working on some writing, but it's slow going, and I'm very disorganized, so it isn't going all that well.

How old are your kids? It helps a lot when the kids are in school at least part time, but if you are homeschooling, or they are very little (ie: years to go before you get some quiet time), or if you are a type A perfectionist (ie: even if you HAVE quiet time, it's not going to be spent on you, but on finishing cleaning tasks etc.) then it might just be a while!! Sigh.

It's super important to make time for yourself, somehow. At night when dh is home, or on a weekend day when he's around - whenEVER he's around, take a piece of that time and get yourself to the yoga studio! One thing I love about Yoga is that you can do drop in. YAY! Even better, try to coordinate with a friend, double recharge! Coffee before or after, yoga, and some time OFF. And you get to feel like you put some time into your BODY, which I must admit is entirely satisfying when I can do it.

I'm there w/ya mama, and it's great great great that you find ways of not taking the grumpies out on your kids! My kids complain pretty frequently that I'm too grumpy.

[kgreenemama]

I'm so sorry to hear that your relationship with DH is deteriorating. It is so hard to maintain the balance, isn't it? I fear that my marriage will continue to take some hits as long as I am the - how did you put it - a-hem - perfectionist. Yep, there I am with twenty free minutes before bedtime, and I'm still picking up books and Thomas the Train pieces instead of chilling on the sofa. Letting my house get messy when DS was a newborn was one of the most challenging sacrifices I made. (Sad, I know.)

DS is 20 months and he's our only so far. We married and got pregnant on the later side of life (I'm 37, DH is 44), so if another LO is going to happen, it will likely be within the next year. And how much more grumpiness can DH take? The biggest hit to our relationship, if I can be frank, is in the bedroom. We bedshare with DS, and I know it doesn't need to happen in bed, but I'm still nursing, and therefore, lacking a full libido. AND, even if I do get in the mood sometimes, if the dark cloud of stress/annoyance/finickiness is looming, it's a no-go for me. Tragic, because we used to be rather spunky that way. Sorry if this was an overshare. It seemed relevant.

Your career path sounds fascinating. I can understand why you miss it. My DH is a professor, so I know very well how the PhD track requires your undivided attention. Although, it sounds like you may be just on the cusp of having some time when both kids are in school FT. Wise of you to consider how this convergence of career, family, health, and self is a key factor in your happiness. You're so right about the yoga. I used to be a regular at the studio - even taught some classes at the Y, and now I see how much my body and mind could use more of it. Is yoga beneficial for diabetes??

Hang in there with the grumps. The tone of your writing sounds like you truly are thankful for all of your blessings. That's so vital. And, maybe if you're a little like me, you're only really happy when you're a little grumpy . HA!

[mamabeca]

Not too much, K, I think we have had our share of bad months! years. Anyway, it's not the worst part, but it is significant! We badshared too, and it WAS hard, and not quite as hard when she (our 1st) moved into her own room most of the time. I hope it gets better for you, that way, too!

I did make it to yoga today, it felt GREAT! I was a lot more even tempered w/everyone, though at ths stage of my cycle I am usually quite short. I felt - not patient, but less snappy. and all stretched out and aligned. all good. Tomorrow to the gym for a bit of together time w/a friend and some cardio and some weights. I am NOT into body building, and NOT into running (at all!), but exercise is one of the best ways to get me out of my funks, lower my blood sugar, and get my mood to even out.

What helps you??

[kgreenemama]

Interesting that you mention that you notice different moods in your cycle. I definitely do, too. I have few physical PMS symptoms, but my mood goes in the crapper. And after a few days, I wonder what I was being so irritable about.

Exercise is so helpful! Unfortunately, I don't get as much as I used to BC (before child). Who does, right? I'm not a runner nor a weight-lifter. Yoga and walking have always been good for my body and my soul. I also love biking, swimming, rollerblading, goofing around in the yard with my family, but I live in Wisconsin. We're lucky to get out for a 15 minute sled-ride if it's not too cold. In the fairer months, just the fresh air does wonders for me. Our house is on the small side, so I recently cleared a section of the basement for DS and I to run around. He loved the change of scenery - I think he was like: Hey! I never knew this place existed! I might look into getting some mats for the floor. Maybe if I do some yoga down there, he'd get into it too. Have you ever tried family yoga? My son has always been on the high-needs side, and I'd bet he could benefit from it.

[mamabeca]

we sound like a good pair lol! I live in upstate NY - currently covered in ice and snow - and getting out Nov - March is hard. Not impossible - today it was in the 20's and sunny, so actually not bad! But I find if I don't get some exercise I don't sleep as well - mood crasher! - and I am grumpier and less patient al aroud. The yoga class on Monday was great! I feel good STILL! And today I made it to the gym and burned 400 cals on the treadmill/spinning machine (20min on each) plus 200 crunches. YAY! I've been dealing w/some health issues that exercise is critical to helping too - diabetes II - and having good results droppping weight and feeling better there, too. Anyway, it's all good, especially on my good days! I just never thought this would be me. :-/

[mama p]

New member...

...and this is my very first post.

Hi everyone, I'm Pilar, and I'm a Grumpy Mama.

...and cold! I'm new to the Boston area, and whoa mama, *this is winter*, eh?

So it's funny to me that for ALL the forums and topics on this wonderful site, here would be my first entry. But your comment really struck a chord: I can't believe this is me. I really, really thought it would look and feel quite different to be a "Natural Mama". I had a LOT of different ideas, actually. But here it is, it is this way, and I'm learning as I go about how to live in it fully.

Reading your posts was really helpful. It's good to know it's not "just me". I wonder a lot about how my pregnancy affected my mood-- it really seems that since *that blessed moment* a bit over 3 years ago, my mood shifted incredibly, and my hormones haven't been straight since. I'm on the edge of 40, but oy, I feel 16 again, like some moody teenager! I'd really hoped that with weening my boy I'd get a bit of my old self back again, but...

Wondering if either of you felt your pregnancy shifted your inner life that much?

[mamabeca]

Hi Pilar!

Originally Posted by mama p

Wondering if either of you felt your pregnancy shifted your inner life that much?

YES! I was slightly moody before, this isn't completely new to me lol! But it went WAAAAY further during pregnancy, and during nursing somehwat, though pregnancy was the real kicker. I felt like I was NOT in control of my moods. My 2nd pregnancy (lost at 22 weeks) was slightly better, but not a whole lot, and my 3rd was a bunch better. Maybe I should be having a ton of kids? NO!! But somehow I think my body got better used to the change, the more times it went through it. Who knows! I do know you are NOT alone mama. It's supposed to get warmer tomorrow - in the 30's and low 40's! Positively balmy!

[mama p]

my goodness, there is really something wrong with me, that emoticon is really cracking me up right now! (i suppose i should mention i've barricaded myself in the bedroom...)

I suppose it should be expected that something as reality-bending as a pregnancy would knock one's rotation off of one's axis for a little while-- but, wow. I haven't felt this way since high school! It's rediculous. I am very glad to hear I'm not the only one! It's hard, though, isn't it-- when it seems not to have affected other women at all. Like good friends, and you just wonder, didn't this change anything for you? What's up with ~me~?

One thing I've noticed is it definitely seems tied to my cycles. I've been experiencing ovarian cysts again, which I've read is an effect of an estrogen spike...as are those moody spells. (I wish I had the literature to cite, but the looking tends to occur when I'm not in the mood to be *precise*, let's say.)

So, is Grumpy Mama Syndrome a reflection of our hormones not regrouping/resetting/rebalancing correctly? LAWD please tell me it doesn't mean we have to *have a ton of kids* lol GULP!

(and, 'twas positively balmy today. i saw grass for the first time since landing in Boston a month ago!! a nice shift.)

[kgreenemama]

Welcome, Mama P! So nice to hear from another GM who understands these frustrations. I had my first (and only, so far) baby at 35, and will be 38 this year. Do you think age has something do to with the grumps? I've always been prone to mood swings, particularly anxiety. Funny thing was that when I was pregnant, I felt GREAT for the most part. Relaxed, prepared, happy. There were a few exceptions - having to travel five hours when I was 8 mo. preg. and getting in a minor car accident at 7 mo. Both of those occasions resulted in a lot of tears. It took me two hours to stop crying and shaking over the fender bender. For the first time in my life, I felt completely incapable of controlling my emotions. Coincidentally, we were on our way to our hospital's birthing class when the accident occurred. Other moms-to-be there said they understood.

You know, we're all living in the northern climes. Would you attribute lack of sunshine to your mood?

[mama p]

Hmm, now there's an intriguing thought: does age have something to do with mood? Nevermind that I got grumpy about that whole "Advanced Maternal Age" baloney I wonder if there's not something to that. Certainly our hormones would change with age; would this -great change- of pregnancy have some affect on that, I wonder? I have a session with my therapist this week-- she's an LPC who specializes in issues surrounding birth and motherhood. I shall check with her, and see if she's seen anything in the research.

Your idea concerning colder climes is interesting too-- though I am new to the Boston area, having just moved here about a month ago, from Maryland...and before that, Northern Cali. So I'm grumpy no matter the weather

I noticed today that my ovulation cycle-- which lasts about a week-- ended, and with it a significant lightening of mood....

[Mamacitac]

UGH I so could have typed your post. Word for word! I hate being the way I am. I'm even on effexor (highest dose of 150 mg) and I'm still a angry little depressed beast!
I cry sometimes just wishing to feel "normal" and not be so b-i-t-c-h-y (can I say that here? lol) We were BORN happy, happiness is a feeling we should have with us always, it's a natural feeling. I just don't get where it left me...honestly. Being rich- you have to work at. Being thin - you have to work at. Being happy? should just come naturally and it isn't fair to lose it!! ya know?

I'm going to sit back and see how many others are like me. Lately I've been feeling alone in this!

[kgreenemama]

Okay - I know my audience on this thread, so I understand the risk in putting this out there: I'm a high school English teacher, and my students were taking semester exams today. I wanted to be encouraging, so I found an inspirational poster online and enlarged it on my smartboard for them to see while they took the test. Below the pretty picture of blooming tulips, it read: "Think Positive - Your life is your garden, your thoughts are the seed. If your life isn't awesome, you've been watering weeds."

So, on one hand, there's of course, the temptation to extend a middle finger to anyone who spouts such cheery blather. On the other, this tiny part of me wondered if I've been cultivating the weeds in my life. Am I just not grateful for what I have? The people of Haiti (especially the moms and babies who've lost each other) have been weighing on my mind a lot this week. Where is my excuse for not being happy? Count blessings, blah, blah, blah, I know I have a good life. WHY, then, as Mamacitac put it, is happiness so unattainable?

[mama p]

Well, I can say from what I read in this thread, it's pretty evident that we are all Sensitive Mamas. Sensitive not as in "snivelling" but as in "heart-ful". We pay attention, we feel deeply, we absorb...Ok, so *plus* for the Grumpy Tribe. It got me to wondering, actually-- as I was reading an ~inspiring artist's blog~ as I am usually wont to do, that much of my grumpiness revolves around something very simple. So that got me to wondering: how many of you out there, before motherhood, craved & created quiet, alone time, daydreaming time, ordered space & a "meditative" kind of mind for yourself? It occurred to me that these were the things I used to create for myself, a world of my own to occupy-- and now that no longer exists, but for snippets here and there, which compared to my old life are really not quite enough. And my old life had been lived in this manner-- kinda "daydreamy-zen" if you will-- for 36 years, before my son was born. We're all old ladies, set in our ways. Yeah, right-- not so much anymore, our re-set button is constantly being pushed!! Would love to know if this strikes a chord with anyone...

[kgreenemama]

Oh, I think you're on to something big. LO is waking. Gotta run, but I'll be back to chat more about this later.

[kgreenemama]

I (finally) got a chance to return...

Yes, mama p, you hit the nail on the head. My "own world" also includes weeknights alone, while DH is away at his job. So simply having him around when he has extra time home throws my whole system off kilter. Add a baby to the mix, and it's a crazy world for me. I do think that age had something to do with it. I quite contentedly went about my singlehood and watched my friends gracefully slide into motherhood. I assumed I would too, but that has not been the case. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely LOVE being a mom. I just have a harder time than others, I think, managing/blending/juggling all the things in addition to mommying that I have to do. In reality, there are moms who do more than I, and do it with more ease.

Here's another thought. My son is a Dr. Sears-type high-needs, very intense child. Has been since day one. (I started a thread in Life with a Babe, and it's really taken off.) Dr. Sears reminds moms in his Fussy Baby book that they just turn out that way - their intensity is not the result of parenting a certain way. But, I wonder, is my son the way he is because I am a certain way? Sensitive, like things a certain way, find it difficult to pull myself out of a funk. Am I a Fussy Mom?

[mamabeca]

"before motherhood, craved & created quiet, alone time, daydreaming time, ordered space & a "meditative" kind of mind for yourself"

yup, yup, yup, yup, and YUP! I did. a LOT. I used to have a meditation space, and a very peaceful sleeping space. I used to have a very small space, and now 1/2 my time is spent cleaning up after other people, tidying up, rather than deep cleaning (which is SO unsatisfactory!), and a serious lack of quiet time. Sick kids for a week (or two?) send me right over the edge. UGH! I am definitely a fussy mom. My own mother goes on (and on and on) about how fussy I was as a baby, and I was a very difficult pre/teen, too. So somehow I have to figure out how to continue being a mom, and the best mom I can be, and build those spaces (physical, temporal, spiritual, mental) back into my life (which is a LOT easier now that both kids have at least part time school). Insight is AMAZING!

And KGM, I think there is some kind of predisposition that is inheratible, just like there is for spectrum disorders. Having some kind of issue yourself does NOT mean your kids, kid, or some percentage of your children will necessarily have similar issues, but I'm guessing that it does mean that if both the child and a parent have similar issues, that they are genetically disposed, rather than it being nurture/environment.

[mamabeca]

PS - I have several friends whohad kids in their late 30's or early 40's, and none of them are grumpy. I think it's a personality/chemistry/environment combination, personally. The best I can come up with is 1) talk about it. 2) know my limits 3) kava kava liquid extract 4) give myself the right tools: exercise, good food, sleep, and make sure I don't end up doing nothing but chores for days on end. Otherwise:

[kgreenemama]

Ooh. Do tell more about kava kava.