Discuss visiting mainstream friends/family

[physmom]

A

Edited by physmom - 6/4/11 at 6:39am

[NellieKatz]

At Christmas my sister-in-law's kid (age 12) (would he be considered my nephew or nephew in law) was parked in front of his new X Box game for HOURS AND HOURS. My son (age 6) sat and watched the whole time, as (a) it was obviously very interesting and flashy and (b) nephew was the only other child so there was no one else to play with. So it was painful. And when the XBox was not on, cartoons were on. Spongebob, Disney playhouse or whatever they call it. It made me want to rip my hair out. The house is very tiny, the dogs and people are big, and there were not many choices of places to go for peace. And my son doesn't watch cartoons on TV so I just cringe when they're on. But on the positive side, my son DID get up from time to time and go play the piano (banging on the keys and singing) by himself. So that's good. :-)

[Addy's Mom]

I'd never complain about anything to a host. If it were really bad, I'd stay at a hotel.

[annettemarie]

Just popping in with a reminder of the User Agreement:

Please avoid negative characterizations, insults, blanket statements, condemnations of others, etc. Members are welcome to post seeking advice, opinions or suggestions on how best to handle conflict, and we welcome posts about changing attitudes as a whole and how to deal with differing views. Venting is understandable, however, we will discourage bashing. Threads/posts that are inflammatory, hurtful or disrespectful will be removed. We are here to discuss our personal parenting paths, not to bash others who may chose differently. We advocate compassionate and respectful approaches to parenting challenges. We hope that a parent who posts looking for information and support will be empathetically received and helped so that the child behind the posts will benefit in a very real way.

Posting for advice and ideas is fine, but please refrain from negative characterizations and bashing of other people's choices. Thanks!

[pianojazzgirl]

Well, I always like to give the benefit of the doubt. In the OPs situation with the "mainstream" friends, perhaps the parents were having a really really difficult time. You said they had a toddler and an infant (not sure the ages), but that can be really difficult (or is always really difficult???). And if the babes cry a lot it could be partly because of parenting styles and partly personality. It's impossible to know. A wild guess about their situation (not knowing anything about them, I admit!) is that maybe when the baby arrived they had a really hard time with the transition and started using the tv as a tool to distract/pacify the toddler. Now they're kind of stuck in the rut of having the tv on all the time and probably have ceased to even notice how much it's on. And the toddler (if he's anything like my kiddos) might be lulled by the tv for the bit, but ultimately hours and hours of tv time just makes him miserable, feeling more detached from mom and dad, and more prone to crying. And for parents who are overwhelmed, and may not have tons of parenting tools in their box, that just makes them keep the tv on even more in the hopes of pacifying him (not realizing that the tv itself is a huge part of the problem).

As for what they ate. Three days over holiday times (read hectic, and unusual schedules, etc) do not necessarily give an accurate portrayal of what they normally eat. And don't forget that some toddlers are crazy picky. Maybe corn is the one veg he'll touch, and they figure better that than nothing.

[MamaKickyPants]

DD only cries if she's really tired, hungry or has to go potty. I figured that was normal, do other kids cry more? Is it just our parenting style or am I just lucky? I have the feeling she'd cry a lot more if we didn't meet her needs as much as we do but I was just shocked about how much those other kids cry.

This is a concept I hear sometimes on MDC, and, honestly, it frustrates me. I'm not sure how old your little one is, but it sounds like she is still little. I gather if she ONLY cries when tired/hungry./need to potty, I'd say you have a very easy-going child on your hands. MY DS cried constantly from the time he was born until about 4 mos, and then still cried for no apparent reason that we could figure out,just not as frequently. Now, at 19 mos, he has regular tantrums (maybe a small one once a day and then a big blow out when we're out etc once every week). It has nothing to do with my parenting style, and everything to do with him being a toddler!

Now, I've got *lots*of 'AP cred' - co-sleep,full-term BFing, babywearing (I even TEACH babywearing workshops), GD/UP, little-to-no TV -pretty much everything. IMO, my parenting style has mad DS's high needs easier to deal with, and the close and loving relationship I have with my son is maintained even while dealing with the tough stuff, but it certainly doesn't make the tough stuff not happen. This is one beef I have with Sears - that he kind of gives the impression that if you do all the AP stuff 'right' that you'll have a perfectly happy and contented baby. I think we do moms a dis-service in perpetuating that myth. We are so critical of ourselves,we don't need anything else to beat ourselves up over like 'I'm must not be doing AP 'right' because my baby cries all the time. I'm such a bad mother" I'm not saying that this is what you are saying! But your comment got me thinking about this in general!

I do find it frustrating to interact with more 'mainstream' parents, especially now that we are really getting into the discipline arena,but I'm working hard at not being judgmental. If I'm gonna rant about anything, I'll rant about how society/our culture is not set up to support mother, and about how so often mothers can't win (be seen in a positive light) no matter what we do. That's where our energy should be directed, IMHO, not on judging individual parenting decisions that other people make, people whose situation and motivations we don't understand, and who are very likely doing the very best they can with what they have.

I think talking with the dad about how and why you parent the way you do could be a great way to gently educate them about stuff they may not be aware of!

[tinybutterfly]

Originally Posted by physmom

My purpose of this thread was to hear how everybody's holidays went especially if you were visiting (or being visited by) mainstream family/friends. So share your stories/rants/suggestions!

Here's how mine went:

We visited my parents and for the most part it went well. My dad was raving about how well DD was doing and even said that while he might not do things the same way it's clear that DD is thriving and so he would never try and tell us how to parent. My stepmom (we're actually quite close and she's been my stepmom since I was a little kid) does feel the need to critique some of the things we're doing (cosleeping, not letting DD cry/fuss before we meet her needs, etc.). Ironically she did breastfeed and CD (although she doesn't let us use her washing machine for our CDs) my sister but yet she keeps asking when I'm going to wean DD.

That part I can live with. The part that upset me was when she said DD was manipulating us when we answered her cries right away at night and that DD would have a speech delay because we answer her non-verbal communication (she actually does talk some but can almost always tell us what she wants through pointing or shaking her head yes/no). So I was pretty annoyed about that. I KNOW she means well and is just saying these things because she cares very much about us and DD but it still irks me....

What bothered me more or was really a shock to me was visiting some friends. Now, I've known they were very mainstream but I don't really think of myself as too out there (easy to think that when I have only other AP friends where I live!). Anyways, I was just shocked by a lot of things they were doing there. The only veggies we had the 3 days we were there was corn (yep, that's what they were feeding their toddler and infant too). Plus their kids watched TV ALL THE TIME (the infant was even parked in front of the TV in an exersaucer). We saw spankings and constant crying. That brings up a question. DD only cries if she's really tired, hungry or has to go potty. I figured that was normal, do other kids cry more? Is it just our parenting style or am I just lucky? I have the feeling she'd cry a lot more if we didn't meet her needs as much as we do but I was just shocked about how much those other kids cry. I had a long discuss about parenting styles with the dad and tried to explain about how we follow DD's lead on everything but I'm not sure how much sunk in.

Oh, and another question. Both at my parents house and my friend's house they had the TV on all the time and at least at my friend's house didn't have any healthy food choices. How much to you adapt to others when you visit? Would you complain if relatives/friends watched TV with your kid when you don't allow it at home? Even if they rarely see your kid?

I had forgotten how stressful it can be to raise your children differently than family/friends until I read your post.

My boys are older now, 21 and 15, but when they were small, family and sometimes friends and acquaintances were full of advice that we did not want to follow and things were very different in their households.

I think how we raise our children can have some impact, but also a child's personality comes into the equation. My boys are very different from each other and had very different temperaments early on. Some children, no matter how they are raised, cry more often. Some children, no matter how they are raised, cry less often.

I remember staying at a friend's house for a long week-end when ds#1 was around 2 and really, even though I was not comfortable with what was being served to eat or how some things were done, I just kept that to myself, tried to enjoy my friend's company and knew that this one week-end was not going to undo everything we had been doing. Ds got to eat foods he had never had before, he had a great time and so did I.

And I agree that there may be contributing factors ( holidays, very picky eater) that you may not know about, so making a judgement about what you saw being served to eat may not be fair.

I'll pass this onto you. Take or leave it. When I was getting all kinds of advice, I finally just got to the point where I would say something like "Well, that is something to think about." Then I'd change the direction of the conversation. They were left feeling like I had heard them. I knew I wasn't going to change what I was doing, but after awhile I just got tired of defending EVERY choice I made. I suppose after years of hearing me say "Well that is something to think about" and not seeing any change in my parenting practices, they must have realized I was NOT taking their advice.

If a place you are staying is just too stressful, stay in a hotel for future visits.

[Super_mommy]

My friend and her DS came my home for Christmas.. He had a great time with my DD, they played without making mess.. I didn't have any problem with them..

[mommariffic]

We went to Christmas Eve at DH's side of the family, and it was fine. They are totally "main stream" but we aren't too too crunchy so it was fun. DD got a ton of crafts for presents, we pigged out, and came home in time to play Santa.

Christmas was at my house -- my mom cooked a ton, and it was a blast. Most of my family isn't crunchy, but they respect my parenting choices and are pretty consistent in telling me I'm doing a lovely job with DD. Do they love that I co-sleep? No, not really, but they don't really talk to me about it...sometimes my mom will and I'll tell her to leave me alone [kindly, ha]

I think the holiday's are a time to let things slide. I also don't stress about television too much - when DD turned 2, I kind of let her start watching Little Bear, and now she loves movies and our movie nights. I make popcorn, and we snuggle and watch Nature shows, or movies and the likes. Especially now that I'm pregnant sometimes the TV is a life saver so I can rest. If we go to a families house where the TV is on [a sports game, or something else..] I tend to bite my tongue.

As far as the crying. I am going to have an infant and a toddler and I imagine it's really, really challenging. DD cried for hours and hours when she was an infant despite breast feeding, baby wearing, and co-sleeping so I think it's a temperament thing most of the time, and not a parenting thing.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I have pointed out to my parents countless times that when they visit, what they see isn't necessarily how it is most of the time. Routines and expectations get relaxed. Food options are different. And the goes triple for holiday times. So its really hard to say how the friends you visited are at other times.

When I have adult friends over, the kids watch more TV than otherwise because I want some time to visit and its an easy way for me to lessen the supervision/interaction my kids need, freeing me to visit with friends. Again, doesn't mean its like tha at our house all the time.

So I wouldn't assume that what you saw was "normal" for this family.

Kids personalities differ, so the amount of crying does too. Some of it is environment, sure, but not all of it.

[writteninkursive]

My parents always used to tell me that DD1 was "manipulating" me. She was 2 months old, and they swore to me that I had to lay down the law or she would keep manipulating me forever. Guess that explains my totally awesome relationship with my parents now!!!

Another thing people always told me with DD1 was that she was "faking" when she cried. From birth, she had a really passive-sounding cry, that was kind of hiccupy. And people were always like "Oh, she's faking. Listen to her!" NOTHING pissed me off more than that. She was not faking. She still cries the exact same way.