High-Needs Babies Tribe - Interested? - Page 3

[kgreenemama]

I just previewed "The Vital Touch" on Amazon.com and ordered it immediately! (for a mere $7.00) THANK you for this suggestion. I can't wait to read it.

[naupakamama]

Originally Posted by Curlyfry7

I get tired of other people's judgements- not a lot will believe that I didn't *make* them this way, or that they won't just magically start sleeping better etc if I "just let them CIO". In public they often appear more easygoing for 2 reasons- 1)they are being constantly entertained/distracted by their surroundings and 2) I am holding them/doing everything in my power to prevent trouble.

I hear you here completely. My DD could cry herself to puking in under 30 seconds. CIO would have never "worked" even if that was something I was willing to do. And I can tell you from the few times that I had to be not holding her for a few minutes for whatever reason - that the screaming would just escalate to ranges I didn't think were possible.

[kgreenemama]

I think that in 25 years, our intense children are going to be intense adults who solve all the world's problems.

[BlueWolf]

Originally Posted by Curlyfry7

I adore my kids. I also have Border Collies, which are highly energetic intelligent dogs, and I like to say I also have Border Collie Kids. BUT I sometimes think about how life would be if they were more easy-going....we have thought about having a 3rd but DH is not sure he wants to go down this road again, and there's no way we would count on having an easygoing kid this time. And we have little help (MIL can help in an emergency, but is almost 80 and lives 45 min away and frankly, can't handle them for too long).

Border Collie owner here too! And I love the comparison. I've never thought about it that way, but you're definitely right. My Border Collie needs continual stimulation physically and more importantly, mentally. That's definitely how my DD is.

[April Dawn]

Originally Posted by naupakamama

I wanted to add that I think the worst part of it all is that people who have not had high needs kids, just don't understand at all. And I got a lot of hurtful advice because of it - even here on mothering I got chastised for claiming my kid was different from anyone else's when I tried to get help. IRL, people judged my commitment to my job and my DH and I missed out on opportunities because we needed to put so much time and energy into DD. On the plus side she is a GREAT 4.5 year old.

Yes - even here on MDC, great as it is, some people don't get it. Or they have easy kids and they think it's because of the way they parent. It seems like I'm always reading threads where someone comments something like "and my LO is so calm and happy and confident all the time because s/he is worn all the time and cosleeps!" and I think to myself, yeah, well, my son is worn all the time and he cosleeps and he's STILL clingy and grouchy! Attachment parenting is a big help - I shudder to think how miserable my son would be with a more rigid, detached parenting style - but it does not magically produce easy babies!

So I'm sure some of you here have dealt with this issue... my son ALWAYS wakes up screaming! He's still up 4-5 times a night, and every single time it's crying and screaming. Same thing when he wakes up from a nap. Not sure there's anything to do that I'm not already doing... this too shall pass, I guess!

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by kgreenemama

I think that in 25 years, our intense children are going to be intense adults who solve all the world's problems.

I *LOVE* this statement. Totally brought a smile to my face!

[tracymom1]

Mamas, I need to join you! DD has been high needs since day one. I have learned to accept it and just go with the flow, but most days I am so spent by the time I actually get a break. Though she has been napping a bit lately, she absolutely needs to be held and walked all. day. long. so I am doing this while trying to play with her 28 month old brother. She recently decided that she hates the Moby and the Ergo and only mama's arms will do. So now I can't even have my arms free for other things like brushing my teeth or changing DS's diaper. Oy.

I just keep telling myself that surrendering is the only solution. It does no good to let the frustration take over. This, as all things tend to be, is temporary. Right? Sigh...

[Auroara Bobcat]

Originally Posted by kgreenemama

I think that in 25 years, our intense children are going to be intense adults who solve all the world's problems.

I think so too.

[kgreenemama]

Originally Posted by tracymom1

Mamas, I need to join you! DD has been high needs since day one. I have learned to accept it and just go with the flow, but most days I am so spent by the time I actually get a break. Though she has been napping a bit lately, she absolutely needs to be held and walked all. day. long. so I am doing this while trying to play with her 28 month old brother. She recently decided that she hates the Moby and the Ergo and only mama's arms will do. So now I can't even have my arms free for other things like brushing my teeth or changing DS's diaper. Oy.

I just keep telling myself that surrendering is the only solution. It does no good to let the frustration take over. This, as all things tend to be, is temporary. Right? Sigh...

Oh, Mama, my shoulders ache just thinking about all that holding. Has DD gone through phases of hating other devices besides the slings/carriers? We found that putting DS in the swing ONCE in a while, usually a short while would be okay with him. But using it too often or for too long (like more than 10 minutes) was unacceptable. Same with the stroller. Same with the Bjorn. Just when we thought we found the thing he'd like, he'd protest and we had to find a new one or dig out an old one. But rotating these things was what allowed me to brush my teeth twice a day. Of course, arm-holding was ALWAYS welcomed by him. Maybe re-try something that you'd given up on. Who knows - she may accept it this time around.

How old is DD? Does she require holding for all of her naps?

[tracymom1]

Originally Posted by kgreenemama

Oh, Mama, my shoulders ache just thinking about all that holding. Has DD gone through phases of hating other devices besides the slings/carriers? We found that putting DS in the swing ONCE in a while, usually a short while would be okay with him. But using it too often or for too long (like more than 10 minutes) was unacceptable. Same with the stroller. Same with the Bjorn. Just when we thought we found the thing he'd like, he'd protest and we had to find a new one or dig out an old one. But rotating these things was what allowed me to brush my teeth twice a day. Of course, arm-holding was ALWAYS welcomed by him. Maybe re-try something that you'd given up on. Who knows - she may accept it this time around.

How old is DD? Does she require holding for all of her naps?

I can usually put her down for a while IF she is asleep - sometimes she will stay down for an hour or more, but sometimes not at all. Its really the waking times that are brutal. She has this high-pitched scream that isn't really a cry, but just an "I am annoyed and want to be held and walked RIGHT NOW" thing that she does all day long. I think she is going through a growth spurt and starting teething so I have a feeling things are about to get worse.

i tried the swing - she liked it for a while but totally hates it now. I got out the high chair and sat her up in that but she will only last a few minutes. I can't use the tray part yet because she is too small! And she isn't eating yet.

I just want her to be happy. I want to be able to provide comfort and love to her and help her feel secure and joyful. Sometimes I feel like I am failing, but I know I have to stay positive. Its the only way to get through it.

[kgreenemama]

Originally Posted by tracymom1

I just want her to be happy. I want to be able to provide comfort and love to her and help her feel secure and joyful. Sometimes I feel like I am failing, but I know I have to stay positive. Its the only way to get through it.

These could have been my words when DS was younger. What you're doing for her IS providing comfort. Of course, you know that. Just because she doesn't have the same response to you as other babies have to their moms doesn't mean she isn't benefiting from your care. I see parents in restaurants with babies who just sit there while mom and dad enjoy a whole meal. (Me, I'm wrangling a toddler out from under the table and requesting to-go boxes.) It may be, well, it IS, easier for these parents, but complacency isn't much of a sign that a baby is happy. We tend to say that a calm baby is happy, but really, maybe he or she just LACKS emotion.

Do you have a partner or friend or parent who is willing to hold DD while you tend to yourself?

[boobs4milk]

joining. i'm on hn baby #3, the second in a row. dd1 was soooo hn and had projectile vomiting. i was 18 and on the advice of our pediatrician, i weaned her to formula. she had a weak sphincter...oy. we went through every formula out there and she still vomited. she never slept more than about 8 hrs total, even as a newborn and it was usually more along the lines of 4-6 hrs. she still doesn't sleep. she was dx with ODD, ADHD, OCD, LD and more of the alphabet when she was 8. one night, i went off on her and i had to leave my house and my 8, 5, and 2 yr olds alone so i could cool down. we started counseling immediately and that's when i got turned on to more of the AP stuff and dr. sears. it was a tough road, but we managed to not only get her REAL diagnosis of sleep apnea and a sleep-related seizure disorder, but we got to really know and love our dd.

dd3 is hn and slept only on my chest until she was 9 mos old. at 9 mos, i had another breakdown and finally dh started helping me (i remarried since dd1). she's just turned 4 and still has only sttn on a handful of occasions and that's if you count sttn at 4-6 hrs of sleep. we've had her in for sleep studies and to neuro's but her sleep is just light and she doesn't have the sleep disorders that dd1 had.

dd4...almost 4 mos and last night was another tough night. i just get so frustrated and TIRED and dh is back to his 'i'm woh and i need my rest' bit. she was laying in my arms screaming last night and she started choking. he started yelling at me and i told him i was holding and consoling her but she just didn't want anything i did. he finally took her and she whimpered herself to sleep and slept 2 hrs on him. if i move at night, she screams! i was on bedrest for 15 wks and my joints and back are totally fried. i had spd, too. i am in pain but all i can do is lay there stiff as a board so millie doesn't wake natalie. we were all up last night and then again at 5:30 a.m.

i have accepted that her being held by me 22 hrs/day is how it's going to be. that doesn't mean that i don't have limitations, wants, needs, etc. i am a mommy, but i am only human!

[BlueWolf]

Originally Posted by tracymom1

I can usually put her down for a while IF she is asleep - sometimes she will stay down for an hour or more, but sometimes not at all. Its really the waking times that are brutal. She has this high-pitched scream that isn't really a cry, but just an "I am annoyed and want to be held and walked RIGHT NOW" thing that she does all day long. I think she is going through a growth spurt and starting teething so I have a feeling things are about to get worse.

i tried the swing - she liked it for a while but totally hates it now. I got out the high chair and sat her up in that but she will only last a few minutes. I can't use the tray part yet because she is too small! And she isn't eating yet.

I just want her to be happy. I want to be able to provide comfort and love to her and help her feel secure and joyful. Sometimes I feel like I am failing, but I know I have to stay positive. Its the only way to get through it.

Hi momma,

I noticed you live in Chicago. I live in DuPage County. If you're not terrible far away, we could get the little ones together some time for a play date. They're both July babies.

Sarah

[MissNo]

I am reading the posts and having flashbacks to E's infant days. Please, please, Mommies, let yourself have a break. Take help from everyone that offers it, so that you can have a quiet moment. As much as your partner might not like it, there is NO primary caregiver with a HN child. Partners have to be able to help out more than a working partner might usually, because a HN child demands so much of your time and energy.

At almost 4, E is a sensitive, lovely girl, but still intense and needy beyond belief. She dropped her nap at around 2, it used to take me an hour to get her soothed enough to sleep, and then she'd only sleep 1/2 hour. Since we dropped the nap, she sleeps faster and better than before. It isn't ideal, but it works for us.

She is in a much better mood when she's active, and I try to get both girls outside everyday, as much as I can. Her preschool does the same thing. That helps her stay calm and burn off any excess energy and stress that might turn destructive otherwise.

[tracymom1]

Originally Posted by BlueWolf

Hi momma,

I noticed you live in Chicago. I live in DuPage County. If you're not terrible far away, we could get the little ones together some time for a play date. They're both July babies.

Sarah

Whereabouts are you? I am pretty familiar with the western/southern suburbs. I am on the northwest side of the city - I am sure we could find somewhere in between to meet if we are far apart. Send me a PM!

[tracymom1]

Originally Posted by kgreenemama

These could have been my words when DS was younger. What you're doing for her IS providing comfort. Of course, you know that. Just because she doesn't have the same response to you as other babies have to their moms doesn't mean she isn't benefiting from your care. I see parents in restaurants with babies who just sit there while mom and dad enjoy a whole meal. (Me, I'm wrangling a toddler out from under the table and requesting to-go boxes.) It may be, well, it IS, easier for these parents, but complacency isn't much of a sign that a baby is happy. We tend to say that a calm baby is happy, but really, maybe he or she just LACKS emotion.

Do you have a partner or friend or parent who is willing to hold DD while you tend to yourself?

DH is really hands-on. He has been home a lot these days because it is his slow season at work so we have been sharing some of the work with the kids. The problem is that for DD, only mama will do and she shrieks and cries if I am gone for more than a few minutes. I have a treadmill in the basement I try to get on a few times a week but sometimes listening to her fussing upstairs with the boys is just too much to take.

I need a vacation! I want to lay on a beach alone for a week!!! I want to feel the sun on my face and hear only the sounds of the ocean rolling in. I want to dig my heels into the sand and taste the sea salt on my skin. Aaaahhhhh... a girl can dream, right?

[naupakamama]

Originally Posted by tracymom1

I need a vacation! I want to lay on a beach alone for a week!!! I want to feel the sun on my face and hear only the sounds of the ocean rolling in. I want to dig my heels into the sand and taste the sea salt on my skin. Aaaahhhhh... a girl can dream, right?

It might not be soon, but it will happen, I promise! My DD, who is now 4.5 years old actually prefers to play with her friends and actually plays by herself a lot. And in the first 3 years I couldn't leave her hardly at all. That first year, she only wanted me no matter what.

That vacation will be the sweetest relief that you can imagine - I know because I have been there.

[Louisep]

Just wanted to post to all those mamas who are in the early months of dealing with a HN babe to say it gets easier - or perhaps, you learn how to live in harmony with "it".

I couldn't put my DS down for the first 3 months and he wouldn't be worn - I thought all babies were like that HA! Then I started socializing and thought "what the hell is wrong with my baby!?" I was APing by instinct and then someone said they thought my baby might be high needs and recommended I read Sears. SHEW, what a relief when I read that.

DS is a total charmer and happy, happy, happy. He's done everything early and never stops moving, not for a second. He turns one on Sunday and I never thought I'd get through those early months of feeling like my home was my prison (couldn't take him out much because he'd just cry, cry, cry). Looking back, I'm so glad I responded to his needs and held him, and slept with him (still do), and gave my all to him. He's turning into a confident, friendly, and curious toddler.

Of course, he still needs A LOT of mom time (thank heavens for the ergo), won't play independently or with toys (BORING!), wakes every 1-3 hours, is a crappy napper, still hates the car. And I know toddlerhood is about to unleash a whole new chapter for us.

I have a question for you all - are your LOs all crappy sleepers? Do you think that's a high need trait? I searched and searched for answers and solutions before just accepting it. I'm still curious though.

So hang in there mamas with young HN babes, you're doing an amazing job.

[BlueWolf]

My DD is definitely a crappy sleeper. Last night, for example, we were up every two hours with her. And she's an even worse napper. She.will.only nap in her swing or the Ergo. I'm not sure what I'm going to do once she out grows her cradle swing

[aidanraynesmom]

Just a little ray of hope to you mamas of high need babies. DS was one of those babies that wasn't too particular about who was holding him as long as they were standing, and then quickly start walking. We used to joke about "the bugs" getting him. "Uh oh, the bugs are after him again, get up!" Those darn "low altitude bugs" didn't move on to some other baby until he was well over one. That boy had to be walked everywhere! All the time! He never slept and didn't sttn until 2.

He was a carseat screamer for over a year, hated the stroller and any "plastic babysitters" were out of the question. I learned early on that if I didn't want to stink I had to take the baby into the tub with me. I found it more enjoyable than the shower because we could just relax together. Since the day his cord stump fell off I was laying him in the water just holding him under the back of his head and letting him float. Oh my! We had found our go-to soother! He would float away for an hour. It was heavenly!

Going to sleep, staying asleep, and his mood when he needed to go to sleep were hellish times.

So much of his first year was a real nightmare. I loved him, but I felt guilty for not liking him. My own baby! I have come to let go of that guilt and realize that it was just plain hard. I'm a military wife and dh was almost never home.

DS will be 5 in March and all those things are simply a shadow of a memory to us now. Oh we still joke about the car ride from hell (one of our duty stations was 6 hours from my home, and since dh's job took him away 3 weeks a month I would drive home with ds and dh happened to accompany me on this trip) Where he screamed to the point of vomiting for 6 hours. We were all sweating and all of were crying. But it is amazing how those personality traits go from being infinitely difficult in an infant (and oh Lord the under 3 years!) to being so wonderful and pleasant in a preschooler. I can't explain it. They may be harder in the beginning, but I think if those things are nurtured, they are allowed to blossom into their full and beautiful potential.

It amazes me that he went from being SO hard to parent to an absolute breeze. I know this may be different for some but he really is.

One bit of wisdom I'd like to add though, is let them cry sometimes and don't feel like you are hurting them. Ha! I know that looks strange, it felt weird to even type! But what I mean is, hold them, rock them, shush them, sing...whatever you can think of. And if they still cry during that time its okay. I used to run myself ragged thinking that if I couldn't quiet my baby that it was the same as CIO. I thought I was damaging him by him crying. Sometimes, they really do just need to cry. I was so programmed by anti-CIO philosophy (better than the other I suppose) that I was sure that I wasn't practicing AP correctly because my baby was crying. Our babies are so intense, and feel so much more deeply, that they need to release that. I look back and can remember the many nights that I just could not figure out why he was crying so fiercely and angrily. Nursing, rocking and comforting seemed to just anger him. Looking back I'm sure it was just my 7 month old fighting bed time. But I wish I would have been easier on myself and held him, knowing that it wasn't my job to quiet him. It was my job to be there while he did cry.