how do i leave dd?

[atinygiraffe]

posting from my phone so forgive the errors

My 8 month old is going through a clingy stage rifht now and ir makes leaving her, eveh for short periods of time, miserable for everyone.I'm a sahm, but once a eek I leave her with my mil for. A couple hours so I can get some atuff done found the house. I ALWays tell hee that I'm leaving cor a little bit but i'll back and I love her, but she always screams and cries. It absolutely breaks my heart and is hard on my mil and my baby who only wants her mommy (i'm gwtting teary just thinking about it)
How.do ap parents leave their child? Icve does hanging around until she gets cmfortable - and she still screams when I leave - I've tried quick like a bandaid, just pass her off and leave, and I've triid sneakinf away wh3n she's not paying attenrion.

Again, I always explain. To her and tell her i'll be back and I love hee.

What is the best way to leave a clingy ap baby? Every way I've tried just feels wrong, but I really need this time, its the only help I get with her.

[ollyoxenfree]

It's been a long time since I had to manage this kind of thing. Since she's so young, 8 mos., I imagine she's pre-verbal and doesn't understand your explanations. She too young to understand the concept of time or that you will return. Some tactics that work for older children (leaving her with a photo of you or a special object, along with the explanation) aren't going to work with an infant.

Since it sounds like you are at home, and the baby is in a strange (to her) place, could your MIL come to your house and watch her while you get stuff done. If it isn't convenient for your MIL, perhaps you could find someone else to watch the baby in your home (hire a neighbourhood teen, maybe) while you finish your work. Then take your baby for a weekly visit with MIL - and both of you can stay. The baby will become more comfortable with MIL over time, and eventually you will be able to leave her.

[Marsupialmom]

Why not invite your mil to hang out at your house to care for the baby while you clean and do?

Also, one thing that could be hurting is you. You know your dd. You know she is in this clingy phase but she is reading your emotions because your explanation. Be confident. DONT drag it out. Be consistant. Most things to help here work through it she is to little for. Really this backing off and stepping out is were Grandma comes in and steps up to the care giver (protector) and manages it. There isn't much you can do at this stage.

[sarahtdubb]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree

Since it sounds like you are at home, and the baby is in a strange (to her) place, could your MIL come to your house and watch her while you get stuff done. If it isn't convenient for your MIL, perhaps you could find someone else to watch the baby in your home (hire a neighbourhood teen, maybe) while you finish your work. Then take your baby for a weekly visit with MIL - and both of you can stay. The baby will become more comfortable with MIL over time, and eventually you will be able to leave her.

just wanted to add a different opinion--which is that when I started leaving my son with my mom around 11 months, it was MUCH harder if he was at our house. he expected me to be there, and every few minutes would cry and start looking for me. it was a lot easier if she picked him up and took him to our house. He's 2 now and is finally able to be at home without us.

I worked for the first year of my sons life, and he cried every single morning when I left for work (he was at home with dad). it broke my heart, but he did calm down in just a few minutes. Is your DD crying the whole time she's with grandma?

[meemee]

i never could. these are the years you just 'deal with it'. except my dd started at 2 months. she was my leech baby. high needs baby. within a couple of minutes she could get herself into such a frenzy that she would be red from throwing up.

that's when i wore her in a sling, put her on a blanket near me, sat her in her bouncy chair near me, or gave her dishes while i cleaned the kitchen.

there are only two choices. let them cry or dont. there were times i had no choice. i had to go to work. i left dd with then dh screaming while i went to work crying.

however one day you will have your chance. suddenly my leech baby went from clingy to super independence and had ME start crying wondering what i had done wrong that she was happy to not be around me and go hang out with others for hours - even strangers like other mommies at teh park - without even looking around to see me.

my good friend assured me that by being there for her always she now knew i would always be there and so she didnt need to worry about me. and that's how it was. she went from super miss clingy to super miss independence.

so just because you SAY you will be back, dont expect her to say oh ok, i'll wait for you.

i am sorry but you do the best that you can with your baby. maybe your MIL can come and help you clean. or if money isnt an issue you can get a mother's helper. but the first year of dd's life my house was a mess and i didnt care.

[atinygiraffe]

She isn't crying the whole time, just the first 10 minutes or so. I'm sure it's probably not as traumatic for her as it is for me, lol. It just breaks my heart to hear her screaming for me and walk away anyway. My mil says she's great the rest of the time andplays andnaps etc

[crunchy_mommy]

Well I've never left my LO cause he sounds way more clingy than yours!! But he also has trouble going to anyone else at all (like if grandma wants to hold him for example)... I found the 2 things that make the transition easier are: Put him on the ground and get him occupied (or have the other person pick him up from the ground... NOT from my arms)... and also (I hate doing this so it's more of a 'special occasion' kind of thing) if I give him a treat like a cracker then he will be much happier going to someone else. It sounds like your DD mainly has trouble with the transition (not actually spending time away from you) so maybe some tricks along those lines will help. She is probably too young for this but when I was little my dad would give my hand a kiss & tell me to close my hand really tight & hold onto the kiss. That always made him leaving easier on me & my siblings!

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by atinygiraffe

She isn't crying the whole time, just the first 10 minutes or so. I'm sure it's probably not as traumatic for her as it is for me, lol. It just breaks my heart to hear her screaming for me and walk away anyway. My mil says she's great the rest of the time andplays andnaps etc

In that case, make the goodbyes as quick and efficient as possible.

"Mommy's going bye bye. I'll see you later." (as you hand her to MIL and walk out the door.) She'll cry for a few minutes, and then she'll be fine, and you'll get your "me time" which energizes you to be there for her the other 166 hours of the week.

This is a case where your needs and her needs don't quite match up. It "feels wrong" to leave her because she's not really old enough to be left. It really does feel different when dropping off a 6yo at a friend's house! But, she's crying in the arms of a loving Grandma (not all alone) and she's happy except for the first 10 minutes. You're not harming her in any way- and if it's helping your own mental health to have this break, then she benefits from having a healthy mommy.

Personally, I'd opt for having MIL come over to play with Baby in the other room while I got stuff done around the house (if I was using the time for household chores), and only leave a clingy baby if I had no other choice (like when I was a WOHM when DS was a baby) or if I truly needed a mental health break (in which case, I'd spend the time doing something more self-nurturing than household chores!)

[meemee]

Originally Posted by atinygiraffe

She isn't crying the whole time, just the first 10 minutes or so. I'm sure it's probably not as traumatic for her as it is for me, lol. It just breaks my heart to hear her screaming for me and walk away anyway. My mil says she's great the rest of the time andplays andnaps etc

AHA!!!! then choose the happiest time fo her day to leave her. for dd it was the morning. do a special cuddle and have her in a very good mood, but keep telling her how you will be gone and she can have fun with gma and that you will be back.

if she aint as stubborn as my child .... it will finally get to her.

but i remember a lot was in the timing and the mood. however 8 months also is the time when they ARE discovering that gone from sight does not mean gone FOREVER. so when she gets this she will be ok.

do you know that in countries where the village raises the child they do not have this problem AT ALL!!!! i have seen it with my own eyes and none of the moms could relate to clingy babies wanting ONLY mommy.

[TiredX2]

Moved to Life with a Babe

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Personally, I'd opt for having MIL come over to play with Baby in the other room while I got stuff done around the house (if I was using the time for household chores), and only leave a clingy baby if I had no other choice (like when I was a WOHM when DS was a baby) or if I truly needed a mental health break (in which case, I'd spend the time doing something more self-nurturing than household chores!)

Agreed. There are times when we truly must leave our babies. I tried to find other solutions as much as possible, but I had a series of medical appointments and even surgery when my kids were babies.

There were times that the only thing I could do for my child was hold her while she cried, and there were times that someone else held her and comforted her when I could not. In the end, she found out that other people would be there for her too, not just me.

You are not leaving your DD to cry, you are leaving in the arms of her grandmother who loves her.

I believe that going quickly and saying good bye is the best option, but that it isn't a magic solution.

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by atinygiraffe

She isn't crying the whole time, just the first 10 minutes or so. I'm sure it's probably not as traumatic for her as it is for me, lol. It just breaks my heart to hear her screaming for me and walk away anyway. My mil says she's great the rest of the time andplays andnaps etc

If this is the case........it is hurting you more than her. If you trust your mil and there is no other issues your child will be ok. This is no different than a few minute cry with dad.