Going from 1 child to 2--just a little sad.

[noobmom]

After putting DS to sleep tonight and cuddling with him, I started to feel a bit sad. We won't have very many nights just the two of us anymore--I'm due with #2 in just a couple weeks. I know that having a sibling will be great for DS and I'm looking forward to having the new baby soon, but I'm mourning the change. I hoping to set aside some time (I don't know how much--half an hour? an hour?) a day when I can leave DD in DH's care and just focus on DS. I know I won't be able to do that in the beginning, but once things settle down and the baby doesn't need to be nursed constantly.

DS is a sweet child, very mature for his age, and completely excited about the new baby, I think he'll probably take the change better than I do!

Anyone else in the same boat? Any BTDT advice?

[AllisonR]

Aw, I could have written your post pre-dd. How could I possibly love a new baby as much as my ds? How could I still find time for him?

The bad news: the first months are H*LL for everyone. Your eldest has to adjust to not being the center of attention, he/she regresses, you can't give your eldest much quality attention because you are so d*mn TIRED, you have the memory of a squished pea and a short fuse...

The good news: your eldest adapts. Kids are great at adapting. The whole family adapts. And you find room for love and time for everyone - even if the time is "different." You (eventually) get some sleep. And when your baby is old enough to start interacting in a way that is interesting for the oldest, they may start getting along. And then someday they start doing things together, hug and kiss and enjoy each others company. And then someday they may even be the best of friends. And then someday you may even be able to go to the toilet all by yourself (I have heard about this marvelous thing but personally haven't gotten to this stage yet. With a 5yo and a 3yo, more often I get interrupted by the oldest barging in asking where his legos are and the youngest asking you to move your bottom so she can watch you pee).

[staceychev]

I feel you! I'm due in the beginning of March with #2 and can't imagine it.

One thing that happened in my family is that my sister had her second child before I did, just about 6 months ago, and she's been able to give me lots of advice. I don't know how close in age your kids will be, but my sis has found some time for her older son (4 next month) by making sure that he stays up at least half an hour past his little brother. It gives him a sense of being a "big kid" and also gives him one-on-one with his parents.

[Super_mommy]

I am sailing in a different boat.. I didn't have any problems of such kind.. I equally love both my DC..

[MamaMelis]

Originally Posted by Super_mommy

I am sailing in a different boat.. I didn't have any problems of such kind.. I equally love both my DC..

Bully for you!

I love my children equally as well, and I think that while pregnant, having the fear you spoke of OP is so totally normal as to actually be slightly abnormal should you NOT have it. I felt the same way. I was worried about the change, the new baby was still a bit ephemeral to me ~ I thought a lot about the child who was right there in front of me and as I had not yet been through the amazing experience of feeling love for more than one child, the concept was a bit foreign to me. The entire world can tell you that your love will multiply instead of divide, but until you have actually felt it it it is hard to comprehend.

I think that your fears are normal and that they are signs of how much you love your child, and of how BIG the adjustment to another child actually is. That love is what will make the transition great for you, Mama, just trust it.

My two are very literally the best of friends today, and seeing their relationship brings me more joy than I ever thought possible. Giving your child a sibling is a great thing and one that you will never ever regret!!!

[StrawberryFields]

I wrote this exact same post about two years ago today, when I was right about to have my dd!! I was putting my ds down for the night and just started crying my eyes out thinking about how in such a short time he wasn't going to be my "baby" anymore. I was very scared about the change in our relationship. But honestly there really wasn't anything to be scared of after all. My ds and I are just as close as ever and he was not put aside when the new baby was born. He has been a joy these last two years, a sweetheart to his baby sister, and she adores him. I have plenty of time to hug and snuggle both of my kids and dh and I really work hard to make sure both kids feel special and loved so no one ever feels like they are on the outside.

The first couple weeks of having dd I know that dh focused all his effort on paying attention to ds while I took care of the baby. He has similar plans this pregnancy and he has already talked to the kids about taking them to the museum and out for special treats when he is on leave for the week.

[Kivgaen]

I guess the only advice that I would give is to just have faith in yourself and in your son. It's okay to be sad, it's okay to be a little fearful or worried. Worry in our lives is important, it helps to draw our attention to dangerous situations that could cause us future pain. It's what we do about that worrying that matters.

Follow your thoughts through to conclusion. Right now, I'm guessing, you are probably worrying about these "what if" situations. What if DS rejects the baby? What if I can't find time to spend with him? etc. etc. Follow the thought through, and figure out how you would approach each of those situations. Problem solve and figure out strategies of what you might do if things got to be too much for you. Prepare for them now. Talk things through with a friend, a loved and trusted relative, a web forum... (hmm... I guess you're doing that, aren't you?

Start to think now about how you will get DS involved with the baby. Is your DS into roleplaying games? Maybe you could prepare DS for what is to come -- maybe get a baby doll and start playing some role-playing games with him about what will happen when the baby is crying, what sort of things you will be doing with him and the baby when the baby is here. It will be fun for him, and therapeutic for you

You'll be surprised at how easy it can be... I know I was -- after DD was born, and all DS wanted to do was sit with mommy and hold the baby, I knew that everything was all going to work out and it was going to be wonderful. Of course there were challenging moments, but we always got through them -- and you will too! All you need is faith.

[jeliphish]

I could have written your post before Maggie came...and I remember secretly wispering to DD1 that she was always going to be my most special little girl as I nursed her to sleep (and cried thinking I was "betraying her"), but ALL of my fears were layed to rest as soon as she was born. You don't think it's possible for your motherly love to intensify but it does... it's hard to explain. My DD1 is mature and a very kind child and she has been nothing but in love with her baby sister. 8 months later there has not been a single ounce of jealously. She had a "wheepy period" for a month or so and did need us to cuddle her a little extra, but other than that her maturity has blown me away. She offers all of her toys, she cuddles the baby, she is excited to see her every morning, she helps bathe the baby.... she has become like a mini mom. You are giving your LO the best gift you could ever give which is a sibling.... a partner in crime, and a best buddy.

I promise you won't feel this way after the baby is born and you will understand immediately what I mentioned about your love intensifying. Your days will work out better than you think. I had tons of time with just DD1 after the baby was born because the baby slept tons.

I promise this will be the biggest blessing you will ever receive.

[jeliphish]

Originally Posted by Super_mommy

I am sailing in a different boat.. I didn't have any problems of such kind.. I equally love both my DC..

???

It's not that she isn't going to love both of her children equally- it's that she feels apprehensive about her DS not being her one and only anymore. I think these fears are normal and 99% of us have BTDT. I think the OP needs support right now and perhaps a bit more kindness and understanding.

[OboePlayerMom]

I felt the same way as you. My DS was 2 when my DD was born, and she came 8 weeks early. So I was in the hospital sooner than I wanted to be, and I didn't have the transition time I thought I'd have with DS. I remember lying in the hospital, crying when I came across the Wiggles on TV - that was his favorite show.

Now none of us remember *not* being together. DD is sure she can remember when DS was a baby! Now that they're 6 and 4 they play together and have a great time being siblings.

You'll figure it out as you go. That's what mamas do! Congratulations on the new blessing to your family!

[Alyantavid]

I felt the exact same way until my second child was born. Then it all went away. I know that's hard to believe while you're pregnant, but it will all work out.

[Alathia]

I had the same fears and thoughts as you. DS1 was 3y3m when DS2 was born, and I honestly was shaking with tears often, thinking how could I ruin his life bringing in another child. Yet all that vanished once DS2 made his appearance. People talk about there's a lot of regression, but DS1 did not regress to babyish behavior at all. He's almost been a mimic though, and fortunately thought his place in the family was to be the third parent, and not the other baby. We found more love and more completeness as a family of four than we did as a family of three, and most of my fears were unfounded.

DS1 also loves, loves, loves, his brother. I will say, the first year was a blur - there was a lot of sleep issues for everyone, and we had to adjust to a really noisy baby in a small house, but every moment was worth it.

Here is DS1 playing with DS2 (almost five months old here). These moments are what having a sibling is all about for me, and I'm glad DS2 is here and they love each other so very much.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...5216268816375#

[trillian11]

I'm so glad you posted this! We're due with DS2 in a few weeks too, and I've really been struggling with the idea of my relationship with DS1 changing and pre-emptively missing what we have now. All the responses have been so helpful and reassuring Thanks everyone!

Carey

[m.m.m.]

Totally normal & regular!

I was convinced there would never be a baby/kid as great as the first. But I was wrong, they're all great & wonderful.

And once the younger ones get a bit more control & focus, they are forever entertained by craziness and antics of the first. Like a built in babysitter (well, I was always in the room, but you know...). Great entertainment for one another even from super early on

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

I felt the exact same way until my second child was born. Then it all went away. I know that's hard to believe while you're pregnant, but it will all work out.

While I have the same feelings as the OP, I have heard this quite a bit and this is what I keep telling myself. I just didn't realize how emotional I would become about the whole thing, but I know, that once DS#2 is born, things will be complete and we'll work through it all one day at a time.

[mrsfrenchy]

Originally Posted by Super_mommy

I am sailing in a different boat.. I didn't have any problems of such kind.. I equally love both my DC..

Maybe I'm missing some sort of humor here or something (and I really hope so), but I'm not sure what purpose a comment like this is supposed to serve. Aside from the fact that it seems completely irrelevant (because no one mentioned not loving their children equally--only not having as much quality time at first and how adjustment is hard), it's a really unhelpful and doesn't seem very kind.

OP, I'm in a similar situation. I'm 38 weeks along with #2 and I have an 18 month old. I know it will all work out, but I enjoy our time when its just the two of us and I also feel that she's at an age where one-on-one attention is so important. I don't have much advice other than to say that I know how you feel.

[sept15lija]

I'm in the same boat too! I'm 38 weeks along with DD and DS is going to be two in less than two weeks. I am really afraid of how the adjustment is going to go, and I'm having a lot of guilt as well. It's good to read these positive BTDT stories.

[mama1803]

I could have written the OP's post as well.

Having grown up as an only child (and never really wanting a sibling) I was content with my and DHs decision to have only one child. So when I accidently got pregnant with number two, I felt a lot of conflicting emotions. I never doubted that I could love baby #2, but I just didn't understand the dynamic of a two kid household (with a DH that traveled alot for business). I cried quite a bit during my pregnancy out of fear and guilt and apprehension.

Now my two are almost 7 years and 2.5 years old and I couldn't be happier with our little family. I can't imagine life without either of my kids.

The really funny thing is I have a friend who just gave birth to baby #5 and in her first email since returning home from the hospital with the new baby she said they were doing well but "trying to figure out how life was going to work with 5 kids". So I guess no matter how many you have there is still room for worry about how things will change and how to manage.

[ginadc]

Yep, another one here who could have written the OP, about 2 years ago before DS was born. DD was my "little buddy" and as excited as I was about the new baby, I was apprehensive about not having as much time for her and not being able to focus on her as completely as I had before.

2 years later, I can say that some of those fears were founded and some were not. It is harder to give the first child as much attention as you did. Unless you clone yourself, nigh on impossible (especially if you have a very clingy 2nd, as I did/do). To some extent, I think that's actually good, because as an only child myself, I can testify that it's not always great for a kid to be the only star in the sky.

But it's true, at least for me, that with 2 (or more) you have to work harder to specifically nurture the close connection with each child as an individual. I have to specifically make time for me to be one on one with each child. In early December, DD (now almost 4) and I had a day out together in NYC, and she was just aglow. It's hard, but I try to work time like that in as much as I can. I also work hard to resist the temptation to "grab just a little bit of work time" or clean up the house during DS's nap (kids are in day care and I work 3 days a week, then home Monday and Friday) and instead just focus solely on DD during that time.

The other thing is that I have to realize that what each child wants is my undivided attention. Sure, they want it all all the time, too. But for my kids, especially DD now, half an hour when I'm totally present and involved with her and the game we're playing or book we're reading is way better than an hour when I'm in the room, but focusing on a dozen different things. That is an easy lesson to learn intellectually, but an extraordinarily hard one for me to put into practice, because I'm a multitasker by nature. But I'm trying!

It's amazing to be a family of four, though. Our house feels so much more full and warm and happy. Sometimes chaotic and out of control, too, but whatever. And the joy I get when I see DD and DS together--when he wakes up and immediately asks for his big sister, or when she runs to comfort him when he falls on the playground, or when they are just giggling hysterically together--is just overwhelming. I love having my arms full of both of them.

By the way, I'm having the same fears about #3, due in June, as I did with #2! Especially since DS is so all about Mommy...we'll see how I divide myself three ways! The fact is that while your love may expand infinitely for each child, your time does not. So yeah, it does all work out...but not without working at it!

[sf333]

I am definitely in the same boat and appreciate you posting this. I've been feeling all the things you described and I'm only 12 weeks! Mainly, I worry about DS adjusting to less attention. It's been great to read all the "it's normal" and "it all works out" posts. I actually talked to my midwife about this because I was feeling guilty for having all this anxiety and fear and she said that it's pretty typical for 2nd pregnancies because you're so focused on your 1st child. It's already getting better and I am just trying to focus on the positives I know will come out of having a second baby.