Is shared custody REALLY the best thing for kids? - Page 2

[meemee]

the most important term for situations where daddy is present and not abusive is 'shared' custody.

not 50/50.

50/50 might work for a 5 year old. but would be hard for a one year old or a two or even 3 year old. however some babies ARE also ok with 50/50.

so really its the children's needs.

and the sad part is that the court who has NO idea about custody (imho no is the word, they can make decisions on abuse but not emotional wellbeing of child) are making these decisions. i dont blame the legal system. within what they have 50/50 works. its sad they refuse to look at the best interest of the baby. but its such a hard thing to do that i dont blame the courts either.

which is why doing one thing in court, if you do go to court, but doing a whole different thing by yourselves is a much better plan.

[BabyBearsMummy]

While I can see having both parents involved in their life is in the best interest of the child. I cannot see how even with the most peacefull coparent arrangement that 50/50 parenting could ever be in the best interests of the child. A child needs to have a home base with the stability that comes with it instead of frequent transfers back and forth between parents homes. Put yourself in the childs shoes how would it make you feel if you had to spend 50% or the year somewhere other then at home.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by BabyBearsMummy

While I can see having both parents involved in their life is in the best interest of the child. I cannot see how even with the most peacefull coparent arrangement that 50/50 parenting could ever be in the best interests of the child. A child needs to have a home base with the stability that comes with it instead of frequent transfers back and forth between parents homes. Put yourself in the childs shoes how would it make you feel if you had to spend 50% or the year somewhere other then at home.

That's pretty much what my gf said, word for word. She was always a visitor at someone else's house. Her parents got along fine, lived in close proximity, she had adequate items at both households - but she hated switching every week. She says now, as an adult, that she feels it was to benefit her parents by having her every other week. In no way was it a positive experience for her.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

That's pretty much what my gf said, word for word. She was always a visitor at someone else's house. Her parents got along fine, lived in close proximity, she had adequate items at both households - but she hated switching every week. She says now, as an adult, that she feels it was to benefit her parents by having her every other week. In no way was it a positive experience for her.

again its the child's personality AND how the parents set it up.

dd is 7. some of my friends have become single moms. over the last couple of years they have borrowed my dd to talk to their children.

and dd always talks about the fun of two households. she has never known 'one' household. she has figured out if she doesnt get it from me she can try daddy. she gets us as much as she needs us. we do one day on and one day off. and she has friends at both houses so she gets to have playdates at both houses.

one of hte reasons why i think it really works for her is the difference in our parenting styles. i am super laid back where my philosophy is we are two humans living together, whereas with her father it is all super strict where he is the parent an she is the child and she HAS TO listen to daddy. it is the best balance for her.

i have friends who have had no problems with two homes and for some for whom neither is home. i do not understand why that is so.

[mum2be]

Just wanted to pipe in here. I was a SAHM to my dd (now 3) and did 99% of the parenting. My ex wanted little to do with her until I left and he got a lawyer. His lawyer (I'm assuming) pushed him to fight for full custody. It was insane. We went through over a year of legal battles, a horribel GAL, and just a nasty, nasty divorce. And dd suffered a lot. My ex did a lot of really horrible things to me in that year+, and now he acts like none of it happened and wants us to be buddies. It's very odd, and I know I could never, ever trust him again.

My only problem is dd has been going downhill since she started spending time away from me. She literally went from spending everyday and night with me to being gone 3-4 days at a time. For the past year she's spent half the week at his house. And it is literally split 50/50 right down to the minute. He even wanted "compensation time" for when she spent 4 hours with me on Mother's Day (Sunday...usually a "Papa day")

So for an entire year, dd has struggled. Her sleep is horrible, she went through periods of severe anxiety with night terrors, the pick-ups were excruciatingly painful for months and months, she has lost her sense of self and I see her emotionally going downhill weekly. She is not in any physical danger, so nobody will do anything about it. I am dealing with a very manipulative, selfish ex who won't listen to my thoughts on her needs and struggles. He doesn't care, he just wants her half the time.

We have never parented together, even when we were together. We don't have similar parenting styles, don't agree with the same rules, etc. so 50/50 is really hard! And he is so passive aggressive when communicating that I put off contacting him for any reason! It really sucks.

So no...in our case I would have to say 50/50 is failing miserably. Dd very obviously needs the stability of ONE primary home. I have a new partner who is also my best friend whom dd adores. We are a very stable, very tight knit trio. She is not lacking a male figure in her life, and decreasing her time with her biological father a little bit to give her the stability of a primary home would not cause her any long term problems. On the contrary...I think it would help her TREMENDOUSLY! I have no intention of kicking her father out of her life, but his selfish actions and inability to listen to her emotional and developmental needs have interfered with her getting a custody arrangement that she would really thrive in.

Sure, in a couple of years things will be different and she could possibly do the 50/50 thing with no problem. And heck...when she's a teenager she might ask to live with her father. And you know what? If that's what she truly wanted, then I would let her. It's not about me. It's not about him. it's about her. And from what I've seen in the courts, that's the last thing they tend to consider.

I found this article, which I found quite helpful. It was one of the few that talked about the children in joint custody, and not just the parents' rights.

[Goodmom2008]

I don't think that 50/50 is best for all kids. My kids are with me most of the time and they are happy, well-adjusted kids who love both their Mom and Dad.

The one summer that it was close to 50/50 (my ex had Mondays & Tuesdays off so he had them from Sunday night to Tuesday after I got off work). My older child loved it at first. My younger one hated it (but then she doesn't like overnights away from me as it is). By the end of the summer both kids made it quite clear to both my ex and I that they did not want any overnights at Daddy's house anymore. Ever. Well, they still have overnights. Just eow rather than 2 nights a week. They are handling this schedule better.

[Ceinwen]

mum2be, that is so incredibly sad. My heart hurts for you and your little one. Why on earth are the courts so hell bent on 'equal' and 'fair', when it's neither for the small child involved?

[Halfasianmomma]

mum2be...thank you for that article. I intend to read it thoroughly once more and bring it to mediation with me.

[justmama]

I don't know, I think it's different with each kid. My kids see their dad 2 nights a week for a few hours and then a full 24hours each weekend. It seems to work well. But I think it only works well because things are so amicable between us. We get along, we are actually friends most of the time, and the kids see that. they love spending time with dad and look forward to seeing him but I can't see having a 9,5, and 2 year old spend 50% of their time with him and 50% with me. It's just too much back and forth. Like most other parts of single parenting, if the parents are on the same page regarding discipline and rules and the daily structure, life is just so much easier. What is expected of them at dad's has to be what's expected fo them at mom's or the system breaks down. I guess for us it just works better to do this instead of 50/50 custody. They get to avoid daycare, they have someone getting them from school everyday, and they get time with each parent every week like clockwork. They know what to expect. And they don't go more than 3 days without seeing either parent. When they sleep at our house, they call dad before bed every night and when they sleep at dad's house, they call me before bed. We keep as much communication as humanly possible, even if it kills me to keep him so involved in my personal life. I think you have to sacrifice a bit for the kids to keep a divorce amicable.