I'm Never Wrong.

[Raene]

What do you do with a child who never finds fault with themselves? Can't admit that they made a mistake, because to them, they don't make mistakes? We've been going crazy trying to gently discipline DD1 but this is our #1 reason why the books we read aren't helping. Last night DH and I were discussing "Between Parent and Child" and we read a chapter together (again) with a script about a mother finding the child drew on the wall. The mother comes up to the child, planning on punishing him, but then when she sees his look of fear, she stops and realizes she doesn't want to punish, she wants to teach, so she helps him correct his mistake. DH pointed out that this is an unrealistic method for us to follow, because that boy was aware that he made a mistake when his mother was glaring at him, and our DD would probably, in that scenario, have an excuse "Well, I didn't MEAN to do it" or "I forgot". Never, "I made a mistake and I'll fix it" (whether with words or attitude). She bumps into a chair and yells at the chair, that it's the chair's fault. She leaves her shoes out and when DH trips on them will say, "Well, I only left them out..." with an excuse every time.

We're being driven crazy. Why can't she just say, "I made a mistake" and move on? How can we get through this awful phase (or I hope it's a phase)? How do you teach someone that we all make mistakes, and that that's part of life (we've had this discussion about how me and DH make mistakes too, but she just doesn't get it!).

[LianneM]

I think you just model the behavior you want to promote, and leave it alone. "I forgot" seems like admitting a mistake to me, though I imagine you are wanting her to apologize as well.

I'm sorry, it sounds really frustrating. I think I would try to just let it go and stop expecting her to fit a mold, and work on modeling the behavior you want her to pick up. My son is a hear younger and I can see times that he is moving in that direction. I think it seems pretty normal.

You may be able to play with it some, like the chair incident - join in, "Yeah, crazy chair! Why did you just move out in front of DD1 like that! Didn't you know she was about to walk there?" etc.

[sgmom]

Admitting that YOU can make mistakes (then apologizing for them), teaches your children that it's okay to make mistake affected the other person.

As for the writing on the wall, complimenting their art (I love how you drew that flower) then explaining that even though you like the art, you don't like that they drew on your wall, and following that up with a logical consequence (ie. asking them to clean it up), IS a form of discipline in a logical consequence... But it's not punishment.

I agree with the PP in that modeling the behavior is much more effective than punishing after the fact. They're much more likely to own up to their mistake (leaving shoes out, writing on the walls, etc) than covering it up with fear how you might react. After all, the chances are they really DID forget to put their shoes away, or they really DID forget (or didn't know) that writing on the walls was not allowed (or would upset you).

I once caught a few minutes of Supernanny (or Nanny 911 - I forget. I can't stand either show, but that's not the point) where the child was supposed to be sleeping (or in time out or something) but instead decided to decorate her room with a bunch of pens and string and I forget what else. Anyway, the first thing the mother asked was "When are you going to take them down", then got mad that the child wasn't in the bedroom doing what she was sent there to do. How do you think the child felt about this? She was probably trying to do something nice, thinking that maybe it would make her mom feel good, and she got blamed for making a mess.

Sometimes it helps to REALLY stop and think about why your child is displaying this behavior before trying to find a solution.

[TopHat]

Don't want to sound controversial, but after reading Languages of Apology (by the same guy as the 5 Love Languages), I realized that I want the other person to admit, "I'm wrong." I've noticed that in how I interact with my DH. I've since reconsidered, "Why do I expect to hear "I'm wrong" when he feels that simply "I'm sorry" is good enough?" It's just something I've been thinking about. If he doesn't say, "I was wrong" I try to remember that people have different expectations of apology- though it's hard to "get over" it for sure.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was surprised that people had different languages of apology. Maybe your daughter's apology language is simply different from yours?