I thought it would nice to share some of the recent growth I've had. It's about a situation I had with Antonin, our five year old son the day after Christmas.
My husband, Antonin, Arianna and I stayed with DH's parents for five days during Christmas. December 26th, Antonin was sitting at the kitchen counter trying to play with one of his favorite new toys. He was crying inconsolably because no one would cut off a major part of the toy for him. He was actually holding scissors and trying to cut through plastic. My father-in-law had tried briefly to help him, but he's a very busy man (a doctor) and so didn't have much time to spend with his grandson. I went over to help Toe and to see what he wanted. Sure enough, he was trying to cut off part of his toy. At first, I focused on gently telling him that he shouldn't do that, and that I would not do it for him, but then it suddenly occurred to me that I didn't even know the reason he wanted to do such a thing. So I asked him to help me understand why he wanted the toy changed. He showed me the box the toy came in, which had two photos of the toy on it. In both photos, the part he wanted to cut off was very hard to see. The bigger photo used a slow aperture to blur the photo, showing motion which effectively hid the part, and the smaller photo was monochromatic, so the part barely showed up. I used a marker to outline the part so he could see it. He then showed me how the toy "didn't work". It turned out that he was using it wrong. I showed him how to use it properly and it worked perfectly. He then ran happily to the living room to play with the (undamaged and working perfectly) toy.
What I learned from that experience was very important from a parenting point of view. We've always practiced what is known as attachment parenting and gentle discipline. We never spank or use time outs, which I think is a good first step in having a close relationship between parent and child. However, I'm coming to realize that simply NOT doing something, like not using punitive punishment, still falls short of where I actually want to be as a parent. I want to have a legitimate connection with my kids. I want a strong relationship with them based on love, trust, and understanding, which are key components of any relationship. I don't want to ever get in the habit of using the old parenting standby "because I said so!" or "I make the rules!" Granted, there are times when those cliches are appropriate but there are many more times when listening and patience is more appropriate, and infinitely more rewarding. I want them to grow up knowing that their opinions were valued by DH and me even when they were very little and frankly, not making a whole lot of sense! I believe that the way I can accomplish that level of parenting is to remember to slow down, to take an extra moment to listen to what my kids are really trying to tell me, to give them the benefit of the doubt when they seem unreasonable, and to stay calm and peaceful when they are crying and upset. Helping Toe through that situation opened my mind to that realization. Sure, I could have handled it in a very gentle "No, I'm not destroying your toy and that's final" sort of way, and left it at that. I would have still followed my ideal of gentle discipline. However, the essential component of understanding what he really needed--not to destroy his toy, but to have it work properly--would not have been accomplished. Fortunately, that time I went further, I took the time to really try to understand what my little guy was trying to accomplish, and to see what he wanted from his perspective instead of from my own perspective. That was definitely a growing moment for me as a mom.
My husband, Antonin, Arianna and I stayed with DH's parents for five days during Christmas. December 26th, Antonin was sitting at the kitchen counter trying to play with one of his favorite new toys. He was crying inconsolably because no one would cut off a major part of the toy for him. He was actually holding scissors and trying to cut through plastic. My father-in-law had tried briefly to help him, but he's a very busy man (a doctor) and so didn't have much time to spend with his grandson. I went over to help Toe and to see what he wanted. Sure enough, he was trying to cut off part of his toy. At first, I focused on gently telling him that he shouldn't do that, and that I would not do it for him, but then it suddenly occurred to me that I didn't even know the reason he wanted to do such a thing. So I asked him to help me understand why he wanted the toy changed. He showed me the box the toy came in, which had two photos of the toy on it. In both photos, the part he wanted to cut off was very hard to see. The bigger photo used a slow aperture to blur the photo, showing motion which effectively hid the part, and the smaller photo was monochromatic, so the part barely showed up. I used a marker to outline the part so he could see it. He then showed me how the toy "didn't work". It turned out that he was using it wrong. I showed him how to use it properly and it worked perfectly. He then ran happily to the living room to play with the (undamaged and working perfectly) toy.
What I learned from that experience was very important from a parenting point of view. We've always practiced what is known as attachment parenting and gentle discipline. We never spank or use time outs, which I think is a good first step in having a close relationship between parent and child. However, I'm coming to realize that simply NOT doing something, like not using punitive punishment, still falls short of where I actually want to be as a parent. I want to have a legitimate connection with my kids. I want a strong relationship with them based on love, trust, and understanding, which are key components of any relationship. I don't want to ever get in the habit of using the old parenting standby "because I said so!" or "I make the rules!" Granted, there are times when those cliches are appropriate but there are many more times when listening and patience is more appropriate, and infinitely more rewarding. I want them to grow up knowing that their opinions were valued by DH and me even when they were very little and frankly, not making a whole lot of sense! I believe that the way I can accomplish that level of parenting is to remember to slow down, to take an extra moment to listen to what my kids are really trying to tell me, to give them the benefit of the doubt when they seem unreasonable, and to stay calm and peaceful when they are crying and upset. Helping Toe through that situation opened my mind to that realization. Sure, I could have handled it in a very gentle "No, I'm not destroying your toy and that's final" sort of way, and left it at that. I would have still followed my ideal of gentle discipline. However, the essential component of understanding what he really needed--not to destroy his toy, but to have it work properly--would not have been accomplished. Fortunately, that time I went further, I took the time to really try to understand what my little guy was trying to accomplish, and to see what he wanted from his perspective instead of from my own perspective. That was definitely a growing moment for me as a mom.
