*update in post 39*
I am worried about 12 year old DD. She's not the same as she used to be. It basically started this year with a new girl that came to her school. The new girl left her old school because she said "the girls were mean". The story as told by DD, is that the girl was friends with the popular kids but one day did something to tick them off, then they started being mean to her and eventually this girl didn't want to deal with it anymore so switched schools.
We've had the girl over to our house a few times for sleepovers. She's polite enough to us, but always mentions how much she hates her 3 year old little brother, hates her mom, doesn't want to go out of town with her family, etc. She is also a "texter". This kid texts non-stop and then gets DD going on the texting. And she is always on the phone. They'll call other friends when she's over at our house and talk in 3-way conversations. After the 2nd time over at our house doing this, I told DD the next time she comes over, they are to leave their cells downstairs on my desk and spend time hanging out with each other, NOT on the phone.
When she's at her own house, she calls DD 5-10 times a night. Often it's because her mom needed the phone and so she needs to call DD back, but still, it's ridiculous. She makes outrageous plans like going to a 14A movie (means you have to be 14 or have an adult with you) with DD and a bunch of grade 8 boys. DD knew this was sketchy and I told her I'd be happy to take her to the movie (Avatar) and she could take a friend along (with their parents permission). She seemed to understand and be fine with it. So she went with DH, my dad and a different friend yesterday.
The other girl has also "dated" several boys in their class and a few grade 8 boys. Now, I'm not exactly sure what "dating" constitutes right now, but from what I gather, it's texting each other, hanging out at recess and talking on the phone. When DD and her talk on the phone it's all about boys. I don't know the details of the conversations as I am trying to give her freedom and privacy because she's growing up.
Now, onto DD's issues. This is a kid who LOVES hanging out with family. Up until the last couple of months, you could NOT leave her at home alone for even 5 minutes because she wanted to do whatever you were doing. Now, she's happy to stay home alone and get nothing done other than texting friends while we're gone (although I've only left her twice, this isn't a regular thing) even if I asked her to do a few things like put away her laundry or clean up the DVDs.
She was also a kid who slept in our room until she was 7, then almost ever Friday night on the floor in our room until the last couple of months. Now, she just doesn't get her sleeping bag ready anymore. She was also a kid who had a nighttime tucking in ritual. She still likes to be tucked, but if I'm busy with the three year old, she'll just give me a kiss and say goodnight and head up to her room. And her room is another thing, this is a kid who always wanted to be in the same room as everyone else, she wouldn't even have needed a bedroom other than to store her clothes. Now, she spends a bunch of time in her room alone. Sometimes reading, sometimes cleaning, and sometimes texting I'm sure.
She also seems in dopey a lot. I see this in tons of kids her age, but I figured my kid wouldn't be like that and now she just seems like the rest. It's kind of like they have their mind on other things and aren't really listening to you and really could give a darn what you were saying.
Then, last night I told her I was pregnant and she was going to have another little brother or sister and her response was, "really?". And I said, "yes. Are you excited about having another brother or sister?", and she said "sure" and that was it. When she found out about her now 3 year old sister, she basically did cartwheels and was uber excited and talked about it non-stop for the next 9 months. This time she really didn't seem interested at all. And now she fights with her 3 year old sister all the time. She used to love her to pieces and be thoughtful and kind and now the little one is always yelling at her, "I hate you, go away" and she just ignores the little one.
I've tried to put some limits on the texting and explain to her that texts do NOT need to be responded to immediately. That she can set her phone downstairs and check it a couple times over the evening to respond to friends because it seems like that constant buzzing of the phone and constant need to read what it says and reply, is stressing her out. I've also said no texting or phone after 9pm. But the rules always seem to get bent a bit, "oh I didn't realize the time", etc. She does always get off the phone when I ask or put her cell phone away when I ask. But I feel I need to do SOMETHING different but I also don't want to limit her freedoms. I really would like to cancel the texting, but am not sure if that's reasonable. I checked text messages on our bill from last month and from Nov. 7 to Dec. 7 she received 300 and sent 275. I think that's an insane amount since I've sent 40 messages TOTAL in the last SEVEN months but I live in an adult world where email is more common than texting. I've read a few of her texts at times when the situation allowed, but don't make a habit of this as I don't want to invade privacy. They are often "what's up?" and low key little messages but I'm sure they are more in depth conversations as well.
She doesn't share a lot either anymore and she used to talk about everything. She did tell me that a boy in grade 8 asked her "out" so that she is "dating" him now and I know they text each other. This has only been for a couple of weeks so there isn't much involved to this relationship as they went on Christmas vacation from school the day after he asked her "out". We've talked lots about relationships and what people may expect out of them so I can only hope she's listened and makes good decisions. I am trying to not panic about this boyfriend thing so I've just been making lighthearted conversation about it. For example, asking if she chatted with him about what he got for Christmas presents, how his trip to another city went over the holidays, and asked her to get me a picture of him with her cell phone if he gave permission for her to take a photo so I could see what he looked like (not to judge, just to be able to say, "hey, he's cute! Thanks for sharing with me!").
Her school is a school that buses kids in from a few of the less fortunate areas in the city. And this is going to sound super judgemental, but lots of the kids have parents that don't participate in their education, don't provide supervision, etc. Lots of these kids have been wandering the neigbourhoods alone since they were six (and I don't just mean within a few blocks of home). Most of her friends aren't involved in any after school activities and seem like they have nothing to do but talk on the phone and text. DD is involved in dance, music and martial arts and doesn't have the free time like they do, but yet seems to feel she needs to do the things they are doing to fit in.
I feel like things are getting out of control and I am unsure of how to stop what's going on since I don't really know WHAT is going on. I am not sure if this is typical teen behaviour or if there is something not right. It feels like something is not right.
Can anyone provide me with any advice or suggestions? I am really, really lost here and could use some gentle help. I am honestly ready to pull her out of school and homeschool her.
I am worried about 12 year old DD. She's not the same as she used to be. It basically started this year with a new girl that came to her school. The new girl left her old school because she said "the girls were mean". The story as told by DD, is that the girl was friends with the popular kids but one day did something to tick them off, then they started being mean to her and eventually this girl didn't want to deal with it anymore so switched schools.
We've had the girl over to our house a few times for sleepovers. She's polite enough to us, but always mentions how much she hates her 3 year old little brother, hates her mom, doesn't want to go out of town with her family, etc. She is also a "texter". This kid texts non-stop and then gets DD going on the texting. And she is always on the phone. They'll call other friends when she's over at our house and talk in 3-way conversations. After the 2nd time over at our house doing this, I told DD the next time she comes over, they are to leave their cells downstairs on my desk and spend time hanging out with each other, NOT on the phone.
When she's at her own house, she calls DD 5-10 times a night. Often it's because her mom needed the phone and so she needs to call DD back, but still, it's ridiculous. She makes outrageous plans like going to a 14A movie (means you have to be 14 or have an adult with you) with DD and a bunch of grade 8 boys. DD knew this was sketchy and I told her I'd be happy to take her to the movie (Avatar) and she could take a friend along (with their parents permission). She seemed to understand and be fine with it. So she went with DH, my dad and a different friend yesterday.
The other girl has also "dated" several boys in their class and a few grade 8 boys. Now, I'm not exactly sure what "dating" constitutes right now, but from what I gather, it's texting each other, hanging out at recess and talking on the phone. When DD and her talk on the phone it's all about boys. I don't know the details of the conversations as I am trying to give her freedom and privacy because she's growing up.
Now, onto DD's issues. This is a kid who LOVES hanging out with family. Up until the last couple of months, you could NOT leave her at home alone for even 5 minutes because she wanted to do whatever you were doing. Now, she's happy to stay home alone and get nothing done other than texting friends while we're gone (although I've only left her twice, this isn't a regular thing) even if I asked her to do a few things like put away her laundry or clean up the DVDs.
She was also a kid who slept in our room until she was 7, then almost ever Friday night on the floor in our room until the last couple of months. Now, she just doesn't get her sleeping bag ready anymore. She was also a kid who had a nighttime tucking in ritual. She still likes to be tucked, but if I'm busy with the three year old, she'll just give me a kiss and say goodnight and head up to her room. And her room is another thing, this is a kid who always wanted to be in the same room as everyone else, she wouldn't even have needed a bedroom other than to store her clothes. Now, she spends a bunch of time in her room alone. Sometimes reading, sometimes cleaning, and sometimes texting I'm sure.
She also seems in dopey a lot. I see this in tons of kids her age, but I figured my kid wouldn't be like that and now she just seems like the rest. It's kind of like they have their mind on other things and aren't really listening to you and really could give a darn what you were saying.
Then, last night I told her I was pregnant and she was going to have another little brother or sister and her response was, "really?". And I said, "yes. Are you excited about having another brother or sister?", and she said "sure" and that was it. When she found out about her now 3 year old sister, she basically did cartwheels and was uber excited and talked about it non-stop for the next 9 months. This time she really didn't seem interested at all. And now she fights with her 3 year old sister all the time. She used to love her to pieces and be thoughtful and kind and now the little one is always yelling at her, "I hate you, go away" and she just ignores the little one.
I've tried to put some limits on the texting and explain to her that texts do NOT need to be responded to immediately. That she can set her phone downstairs and check it a couple times over the evening to respond to friends because it seems like that constant buzzing of the phone and constant need to read what it says and reply, is stressing her out. I've also said no texting or phone after 9pm. But the rules always seem to get bent a bit, "oh I didn't realize the time", etc. She does always get off the phone when I ask or put her cell phone away when I ask. But I feel I need to do SOMETHING different but I also don't want to limit her freedoms. I really would like to cancel the texting, but am not sure if that's reasonable. I checked text messages on our bill from last month and from Nov. 7 to Dec. 7 she received 300 and sent 275. I think that's an insane amount since I've sent 40 messages TOTAL in the last SEVEN months but I live in an adult world where email is more common than texting. I've read a few of her texts at times when the situation allowed, but don't make a habit of this as I don't want to invade privacy. They are often "what's up?" and low key little messages but I'm sure they are more in depth conversations as well.
She doesn't share a lot either anymore and she used to talk about everything. She did tell me that a boy in grade 8 asked her "out" so that she is "dating" him now and I know they text each other. This has only been for a couple of weeks so there isn't much involved to this relationship as they went on Christmas vacation from school the day after he asked her "out". We've talked lots about relationships and what people may expect out of them so I can only hope she's listened and makes good decisions. I am trying to not panic about this boyfriend thing so I've just been making lighthearted conversation about it. For example, asking if she chatted with him about what he got for Christmas presents, how his trip to another city went over the holidays, and asked her to get me a picture of him with her cell phone if he gave permission for her to take a photo so I could see what he looked like (not to judge, just to be able to say, "hey, he's cute! Thanks for sharing with me!").
Her school is a school that buses kids in from a few of the less fortunate areas in the city. And this is going to sound super judgemental, but lots of the kids have parents that don't participate in their education, don't provide supervision, etc. Lots of these kids have been wandering the neigbourhoods alone since they were six (and I don't just mean within a few blocks of home). Most of her friends aren't involved in any after school activities and seem like they have nothing to do but talk on the phone and text. DD is involved in dance, music and martial arts and doesn't have the free time like they do, but yet seems to feel she needs to do the things they are doing to fit in.
I feel like things are getting out of control and I am unsure of how to stop what's going on since I don't really know WHAT is going on. I am not sure if this is typical teen behaviour or if there is something not right. It feels like something is not right.
Can anyone provide me with any advice or suggestions? I am really, really lost here and could use some gentle help. I am honestly ready to pull her out of school and homeschool her.
I think you hit the nail on the head, that she's getting lost in herself. That's exactly it. And I just don't want it to get to a point where she's so self absorbed that she doesn't make good decisions, is scared to share problems with us, etc.
Sounds like your daughter has gotten sucked in by a peer-oriented child and is becoming peer-oriented herself. This will become really bad for her down the road if not addressed now.
