What age to play unattended in neighborhood?

[rhianna813]

I have a friend with a child the same age as my son. They are both only children, so not older sibs. We live in the same part of town but different neighborhoods and schools.

We have different levels of permissiveness with kids playing unattended. When the kids were 4.5 we went over to visit her house for the first time. Upon entering the house, my friend asked if I had seen her daughter playing outside. No I hadn’t and she thought perhaps the daughter had gone over to the neighbor boys house to play. She didn’t seem worried at all.

I was shocked by this. I could not imagine not knowing exactly where my 4 year old was. By contrast, DS being a couple months older was still not playing alone in our front yard. Later, the first time they came to our house, she opened our front door and ran on out. DS followed her. But at that point DS had not been allowed to play in the front yard without us and certainly not without asking first.

Now my son is 6 and her daughter will be 6 soon, they are both in Kindy. DS is allowed to play in our front yard with us checking in /watching out the window. But he is not to leave the house without asking and he doesn’t leave our yard.

To compare, I live on a busy street with no sidewalks. Cars park along the street and drivers go way too fast – despite the 20 mph school zone. People, pets, bikes just use the middle of road to travel. Also, we are surrounded by duplexs with renters and we hardly ever get to know our neighbors because they move in/out a lot. We’ve also had some issues with drug dealers too (even houses with kids). We are slowly getting to know school families, but no one who lives on our block. However, I am not sure this makes a difference to me. I would probably not be more permissive if we had sidewalks or live on a quieter street.

Her street is a new subdivision on a dead end. Quiet street with little traffic and wide sidewalks. She knows her neighbors and seems to trust them. Two families have kids her daughters age, one in Kindy with her.

We went over for a playdate yesterday – the kids could play while we had tea and talked. My friend had mentioned a neighbor girl who wanted to play with them too. When we arrived the girl was not there and I thought she couldn’t make it.

Soon the kids wanted to get the neighbor girl. It became clear the kids would walk alone to her house (2 houses away) and get her. I thought that seemed ok with me, although it was testing my comfort zone. BUT then it became clear they were not going to bring her over… they were just going to see if she could play and then all play outside, alone. With us sitting in the house not watching or checking on them.

I voiced that this was not ok with me and we agreed to sit in the front yard to watch them. BTW the girl was not home. So our kids just played alone but I noticed they played in the other girl’s driveway a bit. They even ventured in their open garage, before my friend hollered for them come on out.

At one point, my friends DD crossed the street on her bike without looking while a car was coming. My friend reacted and was upset. All I could think is “uhhh yeah, they’re little kids”. Doesn’t she know that this probably happens all the time?

It did not occur to me that having my kid over for a playdate (with me not there) might mean the kids are just playing unattended. My friend and I talked so I hope she understands it’s not ok for my DS and me. Once home I mentioned all of this to DH so he’d know to mention our limits to her if he is the one to bring DS over for a playdate (while he runs errands). I trust her respect our limits.

So… Is the 4-6 age common for kids to play alone in the neighborhood unattended? Should I assume if others are watching DS or he is at a playdate – he will be playing unattended or allowed to play “in the neighborhood” with other kids? Should I start to discuss this topic with my friends who watch DS??

How overprotective do I seem? LOL

Rhianna

[MJB]

I think of myself as a free-range parent. My 1st grader walks half a mile to and from school by himself, I leave the kids in the car if I need to run into the store, etc. I'd certainly be considered "under-protective" by most MDC moms.
That said, my kids were playing outside in the neighborhood (pedestrian-only condos, playground, lots of kids, no cars) at 5 and 2. By 2.5 my youngest could ride a bike without training wheels and was able to ride all around our (different, but still no cars) neighborhood.
My rules were that they need to check in periodically and may not go in anyone's house without asking me. We never had a problem. Sadly, we don't live in a neighborhood like that now so the kids just play in the backyard alone.

[*bejeweled*]

[AllisonR]

My DS is 5 and he is allowed to play outside, front and back, by himself. He can also walk out the back, through the soccer field, to the playground by himself. So about 4 houses away, not visible when I am in the house, but visible if I am in the back yard. If he is at the playground, then I will come along after 5-10 minutes. DD is 3 and she can play outside by herself. She can not go to the playground unless DS or I are with her. Though she has insisted twice and just walked over. I came after her - but not running, not freaking.... just walked on over.

I think it is healthy that kids get some time to explore the world on their own, without watchful eyes 100% of the time. This way they learn gradually and develop self confidence about themselves and the world. They learn valuable problem solving skills. Better that he is 5 and scrapes his knee at the playground, and problem solve: he could ask a parent or an older kid to assist him, or he could just walk home and tell me what happened, or he could find out a scraped knee is not the end of the world, and he can tell me when I come by 10 minutes later.

OP, If your block is really a huge issue, then consider a play area or some one else's house where you could grant your DC some small freedoms and independence.

[Alyantavid]

My kids can and do go outside by themselves. Well, technically, my 7 year old goes out by himself and my 3 year old can go out with his brother, but not on his own.

But they're only allowed out on our property and not in the front yard because we do live on a busy road. They're also to come in if any dog shows up (neighbor dogs run rampant and our dog is very protective), and check in every so often.

[zinemama]

A couple of 6yos going two houses down in a quiet neighborhood is well within my comfort level.

[annekh23]

Unless "The neighbourhood" is very well defined and contained, I'd say no.

Even in our very well defined and contained neighbourhood, condos all facing inwards, gated, fenced etc. so no cars, bikes, strangers etc. I will only let my 6.5yr old out alone in that area on a defined mission, i.e. you may go and ring x's door to see if they want to play, then you come and tell me where you are going to play, which does sometimes evolve into a parent phoning with he's here rather than him walking back telling me that's where they are going to play and walking over there again!

I'll let him out with slightly more freedom when with certain slightly older children, but still in the gated neighbourhood any breaking of rules set by us or the association results in grounding. We're probably the strictest parents, but even the least strict I still feel are safe, just not having as much control of what the behaviour is, safe doesn't always mean respectful of other people and property and that's more what I'm teaching and preventing by the rules we use.

[rhianna813]

Yeah maybe the neighborhood is part of the issue. I live on a long street and grade school that DS attends is 1 block up the street. But with no sidewalks on this street/neighboring streets, it's unsafe for young kids to walk alone. They can either walk in folk's front yards (preferred) if fences or plants are not in the way or in the street between the parked cars and driving cars.

DH walks DS to and from school. Sadly many cars go 35 instead of 20 on our street. It's nice and straight. We've complained about the need for more stop signs or those "your speed is___" signs.

Ok, now thinking a little more on the topic. I AM overprotective. I am sure there are a ton of reasons but at least I know it now LOL We've lived sheltered lives I think. He never went to daycare or preschool. Not a ton of playdates away from parents. Slow to have overnight stays with grandparents, but he's now doing that quite a bit. Even 3 day stays in another town.

So baby steps.

Rhianna

[LynnS6]

What you describe would be well within my comfort zone for the neighborhood you describe. I've let dd go around the corner (3-4 houses away) to friends' houses without me accompanying her for about a year - and she's 5 1/2 now.

[CageFreeFamily]

When DS#1 was 5.5yo we visited family for a few months. The neighborhood we stayed in still had many children playing outside unattended. It kind of freaked me out, having come from a more protectively conservative community in Austin. After a couple of weeks I started to feel more secure in the idea, remembering my own childhood... and major importance of the unattended exploring we did... and seeing how these children where actually different from others that we had known, presumably because of this added freedom.

I started to let DS ride his bike around the block with his friend (who lived on the back side of the block to us) and play, unsupervised, in either their or our yard. When the neighborhood kids were playing in a larger group, DS was allowed to play with them as they moved around the block.
He was not allowed to go beyond the sidewalk (onto the grassy median) or into anyone's house or enclosed backyard.

He was not allowed to ride his bike around the block by himself more than once and knew, very well, what the rules were. He let me know when other kids were not being safe, often asking me to talk to them because he understood the dangers of things like throwing things in the road, crossing the street alone, going into garages, etc.

All in all I felt very safe with it and was grateful for the normalcy of it in this neighborhood. I also noticed very different parenting practices at the parks. Parents were much more inclined to be reading, talking and doing their own thing while their kids played. No one was bothered by "inappropriate use" of the playscapes, rough play, etc. When a kid got hurt the response was often much more laid back than I had ever experienced in our Austin community too. All in all, very challenging to my parenting experience.

[LemonPie]

I think so much depends on the maturity level of the kids and how they respond to rules you set. Plus how comfortable you feel about the families they are visiting.

[Tamsin]

We live in a similar community to your friend. 3 houses down from us is a cul-de-sac, another 2 houses down again is another cul-de-sac where a ton of kids play. Also our road is fairly safe. You would have no reason to drive down our road unless you were going to a house here. We also over look a new estate. All the drivers around here are careful and mindful of kids on bikes/skateboards or playing ball games in the street. So with all of that in our favour, Ive let DD1 out to play since we moved here when she was 5. They mostly play in the street, but also cruise from one kids house/yard/pool to another. They are out playing from 8 am til 7-8 pm. They have a wonderful time. It reminds me so much of my own childhood. I think thats how childhood should be. Playing, playing, playing. They are never bored, they have a little freedom and they never abuse it.

[velochic]

I think the most significant part of your post, OP, is that you live on a busy street with no sidewalks. Same thing here. We are on a curve and have had people miss the curve and crash into our yard several times over the years (one nearly hitting the house). When you live in a location such as this, you're going to have a different opinion than the people who live in a cul-de-sac WITH sidewalks. (For the record, dd is almost 8, but still can't ride a bike because there is no place to ride or learn to ride... that's how busy the street is and how poorly lacking in sidewalks we have.) Our dd is allowed in the back and side yard, but not the front.

We also have, just one block away, two houses, owned by two brothers that we know for fact, are under police surveillance for drug and pit bull fighting activity. These pit bulls have gotten out before and once last year, the owner, rather than get a fine just pulled out a gun and shot it in the head. Three blocks away we have a registered sex offender and within our neighborhood consisting of about 10 X 10 square town blocks, several more.

NO WAY would I let my dd roam the neighborhood under these circumstances. We live in a neighborhood where people's properties don't butt up against each other... you would have to walk in the street to get to other homes. I see teenagers walking around, but there actually aren't any kids within 5 blocks of us that are even close to dd's age. I don't see young kids roaming the streets. Also, dd attends a private school an hour away, so if we do have kids near her age, she wouldn't know them from school, anyway.

To answer your question... I do not think that you are being overprotective at all. I don't think I'm being overprotective. There are many ways to let children become more independent without actually putting them in physical danger. Also, as a pp mentioned, there are many studies about what kinds of perceived and actual danger kids are able to deal with at different ages.

[mamazee]

I wouldnt' have any problem with two 6-year-olds playing unattended in a fairly quiet neighborhood.

[freestyler]

I let my 9 and 12 year old kids go out TOGETHER only. It's buddy system here, and no going out alone. This is a nice neighborhood, but I don't care. It only takes one second for a child's life to be ruined.

[octobermom]

I can't say whats best for others cause I'm not living in there area don't know neighbors or the maturity levels of your kids ect.. Here I allow my 7 year old to play "freely" with in the imediate neighbors there are 4 homes with in 6 houses of us with kids around her age and they kinda all flock together ride bikes and play at each others homes/yards ect. I don't expect her to be in my dirrect sight at all times but if I go outside I expect her to be within "shouting" range and respond imediently when called.
If we still lived in our lod partment and neighborhood I;d not allow as much range as I do where we are now.

Deanna

[Meksmama]

We let our dd play in our yard with me checking out the windows periodically. She know not to leave our yard, but the way our house is set-up on our dead end road its a very secluded back yard. There are only 7 houses on our road and I know everyone except one who just moved in recently. Our ds isn't allowed outside without my husband or I.

If I was in a strange neighborhood I would feel very uneasy about my dd or ds playing outside without me or another adult.