Dealing with others' sad mood

[Rosehip]

Please don't quote this - I may delete parts for privacy later.

Does anyone live with someone who is chronically, but mildly, depressed, or just "down" most of the time? How do you keep upbeat?

I live with my parents, and my mom is just, well, down. Her baseline is muted/glum/tired/down. I'm not looking to "help" her - she's a medical professional, has good care & knows risks, benefits, etc. of everything.

I'm just frustrated. It's not a "happy" home. Not because anyone is mean, but because she's down (& my Dad is not exactly cheerful either - he's a workaholic, so he kind of eats, sleeps & works - not a lot of hanging out/laughs). I'm going to be here for a whle, b/c of my life circumstances.

I should be clear - she's not acutely depressed, suicidal, psychotic, etc. I really can best describe it as being down, having the blues, feeling glum, being worried...I'm not being critical of her, and not trying to change her.

It gets *me* down, and I sort of dread going home b/c of the usual, slightly grey feeling. Any ideas???? I SO would like a *happy* home for my kids (it was the same here when I was growing up). But honestly, more often than not, once I walk in the door I feel kind of deflated & devote a lot of energy to trying to keep the kids being too raucous or messy (she gets pretty irritated with that).

[Carolyn R]

I am actually struggling with this also, in a little different circumstance. In my case, it is my dh. In a nutshell, we have had a really hard time financially the past few years, and it has him very down. He feels as if he has failed us, and therefore has a hard time having pride/enthusiasm. He's also by nature very reserved and skeptical, so it's a bad combination. I, on the other hand, am very optimistic, cheerful, trusting, etc so it really bothers me that his mood often makes the environment of our house feel tense and grumpy.

Some of the things I've tried:

-Giving myself permission to indulge in things that make me feel peaceful and cheerful, such as visiting with close friends, going to a coffee shop, lots of walking, reading and listening to music. I realize these suggestions sound a bit cliched, but I'm always amazed how much better I feel afterwards.

-Seeing myself as a separate entity from him...realizing I don't have to let myself get brought down by his negativity and lack of energy. I'm determined that I'm not going to let his problems turn me into a bitter person.

-Striving to find things we both enjoy doing...obviously this can be a challenge with someone who is chronically "down." I talked my dh into digging a garden for me this year, and ironically, he ended up being the one who tended it the most, and he taught himself to can the produce in the fall. It was really healing to have an activity we could do together, and actually see him enjoying something.

-As much as possible, I try to treat my dh with respect, and be very open and honest with him. I love him unconditionally, and I remind myself that there is probably things about me that irk him, but he refrains from being critical.

-I periodically remind my dh, in a non-confrontational way, that I am always here for him if he needs to talk. I know you said you're not interested in "fixing" your mom, but what would happen if you said something like "I've noticed you often seem very worried and down. Is there anything I could do to help you with that?" Sometimes just having someone they love and trust validate their feelings and give them a chance to verbalize can really open a floodgate of emotions.

-For the sake of my sanity, I've tried to grow spiritually and personally. I love reading, so I've devoured lots of "self-help" type books about living through difficult circumstances, etc. My religion/faith has also been a huge help, as I relinquish control to a higher power and realize that there are often people/situations in our lives that don't make sense. One of my favorite lines from a book I just read (I don't have the book in front of me, so I'm paraphrasing) said "Because of God's redeeming love, we need not reject what we cannot fix."

So sorry you're living with this difficult situation. I hope you find some resolution.

[*bejeweled*]

This information is so thoughtful and I agree with all of it. My DH suffers from chronic pain and numerous health ailments. He sometimes gets down.

We're in the house together all of the time, so I really have to watch out for my own mental health. It helps me to remind myself that everyone is responsible for their own happiness. I'll often go to another room and tell myself "that is him and this is me." Additionally, "No amount of suffering on your part can ease the suffering in the world."

I am always reading spiritual books and try to do one day at a time. I ask him what I can do to help and then do what I can and move on with my day. I cannot and will not let his illness bring the entire family down.

Originally Posted by Carolyn R

I am actually struggling with this also, in a little different circumstance. In my case, it is my dh. In a nutshell, we have had a really hard time financially the past few years, and it has him very down. He feels as if he has failed us, and therefore has a hard time having pride/enthusiasm. He's also by nature very reserved and skeptical, so it's a bad combination. I, on the other hand, am very optimistic, cheerful, trusting, etc so it really bothers me that his mood often makes the environment of our house feel tense and grumpy.

Some of the things I've tried:

-Giving myself permission to indulge in things that make me feel peaceful and cheerful, such as visiting with close friends, going to a coffee shop, lots of walking, reading and listening to music. I realize these suggestions sound a bit cliched, but I'm always amazed how much better I feel afterwards.

-Seeing myself as a separate entity from him...realizing I don't have to let myself get brought down by his negativity and lack of energy. I'm determined that I'm not going to let his problems turn me into a bitter person.

-Striving to find things we both enjoy doing...obviously this can be a challenge with someone who is chronically "down." I talked my dh into digging a garden for me this year, and ironically, he ended up being the one who tended it the most, and he taught himself to can the produce in the fall. It was really healing to have an activity we could do together, and actually see him enjoying something.

-As much as possible, I try to treat my dh with respect, and be very open and honest with him. I love him unconditionally, and I remind myself that there is probably things about me that irk him, but he refrains from being critical.

-I periodically remind my dh, in a non-confrontational way, that I am always here for him if he needs to talk. I know you said you're not interested in "fixing" your mom, but what would happen if you said something like "I've noticed you often seem very worried and down. Is there anything I could do to help you with that?" Sometimes just having someone they love and trust validate their feelings and give them a chance to verbalize can really open a floodgate of emotions.

-For the sake of my sanity, I've tried to grow spiritually and personally. I love reading, so I've devoured lots of "self-help" type books about living through difficult circumstances, etc. My religion/faith has also been a huge help, as I relinquish control to a higher power and realize that there are often people/situations in our lives that don't make sense. One of my favorite lines from a book I just read (I don't have the book in front of me, so I'm paraphrasing) said "Because of God's redeeming love, we need not reject what we cannot fix."

So sorry you're living with this difficult situation. I hope you find some resolution.

[*bejeweled*]

I meant to add that it helps DH when I refuse to get sucked into his bad moods. I just go to another room and let him deal with his emotions in his own way. Then later on we reconnect. You have to protect yourself .

[Autumn Moon]

I'm in the same boat as bejeweled, and I've found, also, that its most important that you realize exactly what Carolyn said - nobody is responsible for your happiness but you, and you aren't responsible for anyone's happiness, either.

[Ravenlunatic]

Sounds like great advice so far. I would add that you can change the energy of a space pretty easily if your mom allows it. Some things to try are:

to revamp the window treatments and make sure lots of light enters the home through the windows.

Bring home fresh cut flowers regularly and put different vases in different rooms.

Of caorse keep the place picked up and clean.

Not sure of your local, but I would leave several windows cracked open to allow fresh air in. If it is really cold I would do this for say 1 hour on each day. If it is not so cold make adjustment. Also, even if it is very cold I would pick one day a week and leave several windows open for several hours. this actually will help move negative energy out.

Play music softly in the background instead of TV.

Lead by example is the best advice I have.

[Rosehip]

I came back to this thread for inspiration - I'm dealing with a particularly bad spell right now with my mother, and if history is any guide, there will be at least several months of pretty serious chill in the air.

One sort of positive thing is that she's been traveling a good bit lately. This past weekend, she was away and I had a whole bunch of friends over w/their kids, and it was just such fun! A full house, everyone enjoying each others' company, it was such a refreshing change! She returned today, and it's just kind of a pall over the house. Sigh.

I've been making a point to get out and socialize a lot more, because I really crave it, and I'm not really comfortable having people over here much when she's around. The problems with that are that, 1) on some level, she really disapproves of my socializing - it's frivolous, neglectful of the kids, etc (though a good bit of the outings include kids) and 2) having the sitter watch the kids while she's home is awkward (my mom doesn't love the sitter being around) but I'm also loathe to ask my mom to watch them and face her being worn down when I return.

So, writing this, clearly the answer is to get out as much as possible WITH the kids...

Anyway, I hope others are faring well!

[MariaMadly]

Originally Posted by Rosehip

So, writing this, clearly the answer is to get out as much as possible WITH the kids...

OR find a sitter at whose home you're all comfortable having your kids.

Good luck!

[Carhootel]

the first thing that came to mind reading the OP was to immerse yourself in not only outings with the kids but in structure at home - instead of spending time sitting around feeling the mood or feeling like your parents mood is the one that dictates the emotion of the household to busy yourself even when at home. Having a sense of purpose and routine not only makes people feel better usually but also can catch the people around you into it and make them happier or more productive. I'm not referring to your mom per se, but to your kids who you mention you want to have a cheerier home.

Also, can you make extra special efforts to make your private spaces (like your bedrooms) cheery in simple ways. The simple ways usually make important but unspoken differences in my experiences. Like paint the room sunny yellow, get those full spectrum bulbs, play peaceful music, put up bright and cheery pictures.

Good luck! It sounds like a tenable but still a sucky situation