What to say to (gently) guide someone toward AP?

[InchByInch]

Hey mamas,

I need advice. I just found out that a young woman in my extended family, who gave birth to her firstborn a few weeks ago, is leaving the baby in the crib all day, picking her up *only* to feed her and change her diapers. This is well-intentioned on her part; regimented, scheduled parenting is what (I'm told) is part of her original family's culture.

When I visited her town last month (she lives across the country), while she was still pregnant, she was very interested in everything I told her about breastfeeding, and asked me a lot of questions about it. I made the assumption that since she wanted to breastfeed, she would lean more toward AP-style parenting, so I didn't even mention anything about baby carrying or whatever. Now I wish I had.

I'm told that our family there is pretty upset by this keeping-baby-in-crib thing, but they are all very afraid of offending her, and so won't say anything. I DO want to say something, but in a roundabout way-- don't want to come off as some critical busybody offering unsolicited advice.

So I was thinking... she's a friend of mine on Facebook, and I thought I'd send her a little message that says absolutely nothing about her parenting style or what I think she should do differently, but instead talks about the things I wish I'd known when I was a first-time mom-- i.e. about the advantages of babycarrying, kangaroo care, and listening to your own mama instincts over everything else-- stuff like that. I want to word it very carefully so it's not patronizing, but at the same time brings home the idea that not only is it okay to hold and respond to your baby, but actually beneficial. I'm sure she wants the very best for her child, and from our conversations last month, she seems very open to hearing things on that topic.

So... how the heck do I word it? You mamas are always so eloquent and bring the point home more than I ever could, so I'm totally begging for help here. It's all I can do to not book a ticket to her state right now so I can go visit her house and give that baby a big ol' hug...

[zinemama]

I would say that this really, *really* depends on how close the two of you are. Do you regularly send messages via Facebook? Do you talk about other things and have a relationship aside from both being parents?

If not, I don't know if there's any way for a message like this, coming out of the blue from someone who hasn't seen her since before she gave birth, to seem like anything other than meddling. At worst, she may suspect some disapproving family member of putting you up to it.

On the other hand, if you don't have much of a relationship now, you've got nothing to lose.

[Wild Lupine]

Does she read your Facebook page? If so, you could find a great, non-judgmental article about the importance of touch between mothers and babies, or the benefits of baby-wearing, and post the link. That way she can see the information without it having been directed at her.

Are you close enough to send a present? You could give her your favorite carrier and say in the card how much you loved it as a new mom.

ETA: I just reread and saw that you had a conversation about breast feeding just last month. If you are close enough that you had a conversation about breast feeding, you're close definitely enough to send a gift. It would be completely appropriate to send a wrap or a sling to her as a way of saying congratulations on the new baby.

[Latte Mama]

Without trying to sound ignorant or offensive, I can't even imagine what culture leave babies in their cribs ALL day? I've never even heard of mainstream parents doing this (generally speaking). Could you recommend the Dr. Sears baby book? Maybe just casually say that you found it very helpful? Maybe send her a link on half.com where she can buy it cheap.

[Drummer's Wife]

I can't imagine that, either! Really, I don't see how anyone, parent or not, would think this was okay (except, y'know, on soap operas where the baby must be in their crib most of the time )

I don't mean to sound so judgemental about your family member, but that sounds so extreme to me. Surely, she must be exaggerating a bit?

I'm not sure what I would do in your situation, since I don't know how close you are w/her... but what about talking to her closer family members, the ones who say they are too afraid to offend her. There has to be a way someone like her mother/sister/aunt can spend time w/her and the baby and break it to her gently that this practice is very far from ideal, and that she won't get infancy back once it's gone.

[Swan3]

Wow, that would be a tough one to NOT say anything about. One thing I've done for all my friends and acquaintances is get them Dr Sears Baby Book....before they have the baby and let them know that it's answered many many questions for me. I'll sometimes even show them my well-used copy.

In this case I might send her some links on babywearing and carrying...good luck!

[Biscuits & Gravy]

I would wrap up a copy of Dr. Sears' Baby Book as a gift and include a note telling her that you found it very helpful. I think that is the most tactful and appropriate way to handle the situation.

[lilyka]

The baby is not in the crib all day I am sure. just when not in arms which to some people can seem like "all day" most people set their baby down someone where when they are not feeding or changing them etc be it a car seat, a swing, a bouncy seat, the floor, a crib, a pack and play or stroller. I wasn't a baby wearer (hated it) but my child was far from neglected or left alone all day. she was usually chillin out on the floor. actually the first month or two she was sleeping if she wasn't eating or being changed....

anyway.....the best way to sway anyopne to your opinion about anything is to do your best at it, love it, and just live out the virtues of it. perhaps make an album on facebook of pictures of your first month or two with babies. after all when other people have babies it makes a reflect back.

send her a message and ask her if she has any questions. let her know you are there for her. that gives her an opening to ask you about stuff and for you to tell her. Probably better tp sound a little neutral. over zelous to sell her on something will put her on the defensive and lable you as a fanatic. instead I think it is better to just be mello and say "oh I loved doing it this way, I remember those sweet moments, what worked for us, what helped me......" and be ready to offer some pratical help "would you like me to send you a book that really helped, a carrier, whatever?"

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by lilyka

The baby is not in the crib all day I am sure. just when not in arms which to some people can seem like "all day" most people set their baby down someone where when they are not feeding or changing them etc be it a car seat, a swing, a bouncy seat, the floor, a crib, a pack and play or stroller. I wasn't a baby wearer (hated it) but my child was far from neglected or left alone all day.

This.

My firstborn was a very content baby, and I wasn't all that knowledgeable about much of anything. I was also not used to the whole "baby" thing and still wanted to be Super Wife and have the house cleaned, the dishes done, the laundry finished, etc. so when I wasn't feeding, burping or changing baby, she was in her cradle sleeping. She slept A LOT. And when she was older I talked to her and kept her near me while I worked by putting her in a bouncy seat or her swing. Again, she was happy and content. There was nothing in me screaming "Pick her up and hold her all day!" In other words, I wasn't ignoring any Mama Instinct by NOT slinging her or something.

Sure, there were times when I just wanted to sit and cuddle her, but it wasn't all day or even most of the day. And I knew NOTHING about babywearing.

When my second came along, I knew more and did better.

With my fourth, well, I could hardly put him down! I knew by then how quickly they grow up and wanted as many snuggles as I could get. And I wore him as much as possible. Oddly enough, though, my first baby has been the happiest.

[Masel]

Wait a minute. How do you know she is doing this? A great way to "other" a person or culture is to attack how they raise children. It doesn't sound to me like the family has really embraced this new mama. Is her family far away? I think you need to assess the situation for yourself. Open with an email about how being a new mom is hard and does she have any questions or just needs to vent. Find out what is really going on before proselytizing.

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife

I don't mean to sound so judgemental about your family member, but that sounds so extreme to me. Surely, she must be exaggerating a bit?

If you are very close with her, you could just come right out and ask her point blank...

"so-and-so said this-and-that and is extremely concerned. I wanted to ask you about the baby because I found what she told me to be completely unbelievable. I just had to hear the information straight from the horses mouth -- is it really true that..."

That's what I'd do... if we were close. Honesty is always the best policy, imo.

[Drummer's Wife]

So, it seems like there are at least two possibilities here: either she truly does leave the baby in a crib (I'm imagining it being in baby's room, door open), or she has baby in some type of container (crib, bouncy chair, swing, etc.,) as opposed to being worn and/or being put on the floor for free range of movement. The latter, while not considered AP, is how most people parent infants, right? I mean, sure they pick them up and hold/snuggle/hug in addition to feed/change/bathe, but the rest of the waking hours baby is put down, somewhere.

If this is the case, and not a more neglectful "always in the crib" scenario, I might either say nothing, or if you feel like you aren't overstepping your boundaries, maybe suggest Sears' book, or similar.

Now, if baby is really left in the crib, with little to no human contact besides the x amount of minutes a day it takes to change/feed -- then I would find someone close enough to intervene. Maybe the mom has PPD? or has been led to believe she could spoil the baby? I don't know, but the thing is hearing it from a 3rd party and not witnessing it yourself (or hearing it directly from mom) makes it harder to figure out what is really going on.

[InchByInch]

No, I've seen none of this firsthand; she lives many, many states away from me. And as such, we haven't had the opportunity to cultivate what I'd call a true friendship. However, when I did see her last month, our conversations were very warm, and (as I said in the first post) she peppered me with questions about nursing, so I don't think she'd be weirded out if I checked on her via e-mail to see how things are going, and tell her the things I wish I'd known as a first-time mama-- just general things, like babywearing and stuff like that, without making any commentary on what I hear she's currently doing or not doing.

Yes, her original family is far away, but her mother is staying with her; she's been with her since the birth and will be staying for a couple more weeks before returning to her country. The info I'm going on is from other family members local to her; what I was told is that the baby's mother and visiting grandmother don't want to let anyone hold her; they want her to stay in the crib all day. Does that translate to really being in the swing or bouncy chair? I have no idea. I want to reiterate again that I really don't think they're doing whatever they're doing with a negative intent; what I was told gave me the impression (and of course I have no way of knowing this is accurate) that they simply believe too much holding could "spoil" the child. But they're very protective of her; they literally won't take her outside the front door until it's time for her next round of vaccines. And I can tell you from my talks with her (the mom) last month that she is truly intent on doing everything perfectly... so this just must be what she thinks is right.

Anyway. I like the idea of sending her Dr. Sears' Baby Book; I have a well-loved copy that I'd be more than happy to share. I also find appealing the thought of sending her a baby sling/carrier, but could use some recommendations on what might work best. I personally use an Ergo, but I don't think newborns can be put in those, can they? What sling is easy to use and good for little ones?

[karne]

If I were to hear about a new mom leaving a baby in the crib except for feeding, I'd be more concerned about possible PPD than parenting style. Do you have any sense that the new mom is overwhelmed? I know that you said grandmother is a piece of this as well, as far as you know, but still, I'd be at least a little concerned.

I don't think that you need to convince the new mom to be AP as much just joining with her in a friendly, non threatening way about the experience of being a new mom, and ask her what she needs, or how/if you can support her? Something gentle as she starts to find her way.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I think a sling is super easy - I have a Hotsling that worked well when my little guy was tiny. That would require you to know her size though.

I think the best thing to do is to send her the Dr Sears book with a note telling her how much you loved it. Then see how she responds. Its very hard to tell people (even without saying it) that you disagree with their parenting style. If she disagree's with you that AP is best, then you would be better served to drop it, and love on her child when you see her without making any judgements.

It's so hard, but I try hard to maintain friendships with all the mom's I know (I don't know many, so I can't really pick and choose), and I've noticed the best way to do that is to ignore the way people are raising their children, and just loving the babies anyway.

[InchByInch]

Well, just ordered a sling and Dr. Sears' book-- gonna put those with a couple of other little things into a care package, along with a little note, and send 'em her way.

[pauletoy]

Originally Posted by InchByInch

Well, just ordered a sling and Dr. Sears' book-- gonna put those with a couple of other little things into a care package, along with a little note, and send 'em her way.

I think this is about the best way to handle it. If she is interested in information on parenting then she will read it. You could even tell her that Dr. Sears' book has been one of the most helpful books in your journey as a parent. However, there is just no good way to say to someone that you really don't know, "Hey, I know I live a long way away from you and don't know you very well but some of us relatives were talking (aka gossiping) about how you are handling the baby and this is what I think you SHOULD do."

From what it sounds like, you are doing the best you can to help this new mom.

[Smokering]

I think that's lovely. Thoughtful and sweet.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by Biscuits & Gravy

I would wrap up a copy of Dr. Sears' Baby Book as a gift and include a note telling her that you found it very helpful. I think that is the most tactful and appropriate way to handle the situation.

The Baby Book is also useful for "when to call the doctor" type situations and that sort of thing, so *hopefully* wouldn't be seen as advocating a particular parenting style.

ETA: just noticed you had already made your decision. I think its a good one.

[darcytrue]

You could always give her a link to these MDC boards. I'd say that would probably be a huge hint. But if you do - be sure and delete this thread first, lol.