Help... My daughter wants to chat...(SAFELY)

[choosewisdom]

She and I are at an impasse. She wants very much to be able to have an online community where she can talk to girls her age. Over Christmas, her Stepmom's Aunt purchased her a Barbie doll that has a chat function. There are many rules to the community (not giving away personal information, etc.) and she would like to join. She will be 11 on Monday and I am just not feeling that it is appropriate for her to be in any type of chat forum.

She asked me to post on here an get other mom's opinions, as she feels that I am much too overprotective.


Hey,i am 11 years old my mom is acting like a maniac.It even says that if we do give out personal info it will kick us out of barbiegirls really who wants to be kicked out NOT ME post what you think about the problem!

[Surfacing]

[MusicianDad]

After a quick look around the site, I think it might be worth letting her give it a try. From what I read they have a strict word filtering system they use and you as a parent have a connected account that lets you adjust setting and limit what rooms she can chat in. For instance, not allowing private chats. Apperently they also email you when every she logs in.

If she understands all the rules then I would give it a shot at least for a little while, and keep a close watch when she's in there.

[journeymom]

Hey Kait, your mom isn't acting like a maniac! She's doing her mom job. Don't give her a hard time for simply being concerned for your safety, it just stresses her out.

Choosewisdom, what are your specific concerns?

I agree with MusicianDad. This looks like one of the better monitored sites. Be sure to read the Parents Place page.

[choosewisdom]

I suppose I am just nervous that she will slip and give away personal information. It does appear to be highly monitored, but I recently purchased CogTogs to allow her to have an even more strictly monitored community, and was shocked and saddened to learn that one of their own computer technicians had created a "God" account that allowed him access to all of the children's accounts and that he was found chatting with children.

I will allow her to take it one step at a time, and keep monitoring her. Thanks for the advice and support. Laura

[MusicianDad]

My understanding on reading the parents page is that if she tries to give out personal information, the blocking software they have won't allow it to be posted in chat. They have a dictionary of varified words, anything outside that is automatically blocked.

When DD chats with family and known friends on line, either DH or I are always in the room with her.

[zebra15]

IMO you have to start sometime.... DS is 9 and is online 'all the time' and I dont have a problem with it. He knows how to act and proper internet etiquette. I think its better to start now, when she will be happy with the barbie site instead of when she is older and wants to go straight to everything YK?

You also said the barbie was a gift from her step mom's side... what are the rules at 'that' house? Just because you dont want her on line doesnt mean she isnt going to get access somewhere else, either her fathers house, a friends house etc.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

my friend's daugther can't even type her own name into barbie dot com because the first four letters are a-n-a-l and it kicks her off and says "we don't say those kind of words at barbie dot com!"

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by tbone_kneegrabber

my friend's daugther can't even type her own name into barbie dot com because the first four letters are a-n-a-l and it kicks her off and says "we don't say those kind of words at barbie dot com!"

That's kind of funny and a little depressing for the kids who are verbally advanced and want to brag about how anal they are when it comes to the neatness of their homework.

[CorasMama]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

That's kind of funny and a little depressing for the kids who are verbally advanced and want to brag about how anal they are when it comes to the neatness of their homework.

well, if they're that verbally advanced, they can come up with a different word than anal!

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by CorasMama

well, if they're that verbally advanced, they can come up with a different word than anal!

I'm trying to figure out what would work...



Anyways I'm in agreement with MD on this one...

[choosewisdom]

Originally Posted by zebra15

You also said the barbie was a gift from her step mom's side... what are the rules at 'that' house? Just because you dont want her on line doesnt mean she isnt going to get access somewhere else, either her fathers house, a friends house etc.

Well, she would never go on-line to an unapproved site even at a friend's house, luckily. (Not that I really have to worry about it, she and her friends VERY RARELY want to play anywhere but at our house.) Also, she is very happy to follow the rules and if she feels a rule is unfair we have a discussion. She has always been this way, at two she would put herself in time out if she broke a rule. I have never had to do much in the way of discipline.

As far as her Dad's house is concerned, she is there only when her dad is available to be with her, as her step-mom and I have extraordinarily different lifestyle and parenting ideas. And, though it is probably difficult on their marriage, my Ex agrees with my parenting of our daughter almost 100% of the time. If anything is questionable, he calls and asks what I think. He is very complimentary of me as a parent and we work well together as parents.

Those are very god thoughts in many situations, and I appreciate you bringing that to my attention!!

Update: We have agreed that she could go on the site, but the moment it was mentioned she had already lost interest. I think it was more about her exuding her independence and wanting to expand her realm of showing she was responsible than actually using the site in question. I think it was great that she wanted me to post on mothering to get advice from other parents, LOL. Thank you to everyone that responded!

[pixiekisses]

I agree with MD.
Our 11 yo. gets to chat with friends online, but we are always in the room, and we keep log, and he knows full well we can read them. (And will sometimes skim through.)
And we just keep a close watch in general.

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

That's kind of funny and a little depressing for the kids who are verbally advanced and want to brag about how anal they are when it comes to the neatness of their homework.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by CorasMama

well, if they're that verbally advanced, they can come up with a different word than anal!

But no word that truely encompasses the true meaning of the word, it involves various character traits and not just one.

[morgainesmama]

I'm jealous of your coparenting relationship!

That said, I allowed dd an email address a few months ago (with the strong caveat that I WILL check her account routinely, and will delete if I find anything out of whack, with some clear outlining of what's appropriate). I do check it, too -- including the trash folder. We had one incident where she was using her email address to set her stepsisters up with online accounts; I told her I'd check with her stepmom to make sure she was aware and ok.

Today, I allowed her to sign up for FB, with the same caveats.

I decided I'd rather start while she's young enough to not mind me in her accounts and to teach her internet safety than to wait until she learns to sneak around or do her own thing.

She's 10 -- she hardly checks her email, and I suspect fb will go the same way. Part of it, I think, is that she sees me online quite a lot and wonders what all the fuss and fun is about.

[choosewisdom]

Originally Posted by morgainesmama

I'm jealous of your coparenting relationship!

Part of it, I think, is that she sees me online quite a lot and wonders what all the fuss and fun is about.

Thanks, it is really nice. At least once every three months he tells me what a wonderful mom that I am, and it really helps to hear that from anyone, much less someone that has a love/hate relationship with me. I do feel bad when his wife gets upset, but not so much that I would want it to change. Her hurt feelings mean much less to me than my daughter's safety and emotional security.

I think that is exactly our situation, well, that and the fact that she is such a social creature.

[mtiger]

I am relatively easy-going, but I raise my eyebrows at a 10yo on FB. I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

[Jessy1019]

I'm going to side with Kait here.

I fully expect my daughter to be chatting online at that age . . . she wants to sign up for a facebook now, and we'll probably do that sometime soon. I don't plan on breathing down my kids' shoulders while they're online.

[faiths13]

my sons go on disneys club penguin where they chat with others. they have a safe mode and arent allowed to give any info or cuss, etc. i actually registered myself and went on to see what its like. i also went on when my 8 yr old was on to kinda see what he does. it seems safe and i feel ok about it. the computer is in the living room and i ask questions or walk over to see what they are doing. i dont think anything bad would come out of it.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by choosewisdom

Hey,i am 11 years old my mom is acting like a maniac.

ROTFL.


At her age, I would let her start, at a site like the one mentioned. Despite how scary it can be for a parent, she will be using the internet in her future, at school or friend's houses at the least. Better for her to learn internet safety with you, than be cut off entirely and not prepared. I'd say be in the room while she chats, check the conversation periodically. You may be able to back off more in the future, if you find that you can trust her to understand safe internet usage.