to buy or not to buy

[kimellett]

DS is 5.5. DD is 1. DD has a baby doll she got for Christmas that she just ADORES. She rocks it, feeds it, pushes it in the wagon...and of course we think this is so sweet. One day DS mentions that he'd like a baby doll. (he had one as a baby, but never showed any interest in it) Now this seems pretty obvious that he's a bit jealous, and only wants one because she has one. DH says he doesn't need one. I think I know why he wants one, but so what? Maybe they'll end up playing dolls together one day, or cooking them some tasty treats in their kitchen or ???? (my ideal!!) Or perhaps he'll just parade around saying THIS is MY doll, you can't play with her/him.

SO should I buy him the doll or not? The doll he had as a baby was MY old doll. He has since compromised and agreed to simply getting the old doll a new set of clothes, but he may decide once we're at the toy store that he'd like a new doll altogether. The old doll has been well-loved, and lost an arm for a few days so it's not a big deal to me if we just buy a new doll. Maybe that would be best? New clothes for my doll, a new doll for DS and then everyone has a doll to play with? And when DS (if?) loses interest in his doll, DD can have it?

[Mouchois]

I honestly don't see the harm in it.
My DS is 4, an only child, and plays with stuffed animals and dolls. On the flipside, he plays with trucks and legos, as well.
Speaking with a counselor, dolls can be great for any children, any sex. They help the kids play out their anxieties (if they have any) and work out things that may confuse them.

I'd say go out and get him a baby doll. If anything, you could probably find some sort of Handy Manny doll or Bob the Builder or something that would be a bit more "boyish", yet fulfill his need for something that his sister has.

[frontstreetmama]

in Free to Be You and Me there's a short story called William's Doll and it's about a dad who doesn't want his son to get a doll and the boy's grandma (the dad's mother) tells him that it will teach him to nurture and care for a baby and that will help make him a great father when he grows up like her son is trying be and he ends up getting the doll... or something like that... but I always thought it put boys having dolls into perspective!

[ollyoxenfree]

I wouldn't hesitate to buy him a doll, if you don't mind buying more toys at this time of year. I would hesitate to get into a pattern of buying more presents after the holidays, to even things out between children.

You could always buy an extra doll as a sibling to the first one, without saying it belongs to your ds. I think it's healthy to have "family toys" that are available to all, rather than assigning every toy exclusively to each kid. If every toy belongs exclusively to only one child, it's a recipe for nurturing territorial behaviour and sibling rivalry.

If it's a family toy, then he can play with it as much as he likes, and there's no problem if he stops playing with it at some point.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by frontstreetmama

it will teach him to nurture and care for a baby and that will help make him a great father when he grows up like her son is trying be

I totally agree. I don't see what is wrong with a little boy wanting to play daddy.

When he is a grown up man, wouldn't you want him to hold his own children? Hasn't he seen his own father doing these kinds of things with his little sister?

To me, the message that "no, you can't have anything to pretend to love and nuture because you are a boy and boys just can't do that" is not a good one. I'd get him one, and let it be *his* doll. Most likely, the dolls will all end up living together and sharing clothes, but starting out as *his* seems like the most emotionally healthy option.

He might like a little boy doll more than a little girl doll.

[Cherry Alive]

Another vote for buying him his own doll. It's such a shame that people discriminate against boys having dolls as nurturing is a valuable skill for a man to be a good father (and husband).

If you have trouble finding a boy doll at the toy store, check out Amazon. There's a few nice ones on there. There are ones that are even anatomically correct like this one: http://www.amazon.com/Furnis-Mike/dp...2707676&sr=1-1.

[BrittneyMarie]

I agree with what all of the pp's have said. If he wants a doll, why not?

[Lynn08]

There are a few points that confuse me. Did your dh say your ds didn't need the doll because he is a boy or because he has enough toys? Or was it because your dh thinks ds only wants one because dd got one and will lose interest quickly? Because I can understand the last two scenarios (not saying I agree or disagree, just saying that both are valid and reasonable). And did your dh say flat out "no, don't get him a doll" or did he leave it somewhat open for discussion? Because if my dh and I discussed doing or not doing something and dh did the opposite of what we agreed, I would be pretty POd.

Also, if you and ds discussed it and found a compromise that satisfied all parties (new clothes only), why would you consider buying the doll just because he decides he wants one? That sets a bad precedent, imo. If the child can present a convincing argument (something other than "I want it", lol) then I might consider it, but s/he would most likely not get it that shopping trip. Because it was agreed beforehand that we were going only to get new clothes for the existing doll.

I'm not being snarky - I just want to understand before I say buy or don't buy.

eta: I just don't see this as a gender thing. OP, if it had been a truck instead of a doll that he asked for, would you still be questioning whether to get it for him? Would your dh have said that he didn't need one? If you and ds had agreed to get new decals for his old truck, would you still worry about him wanting a new one when he got to the store? Doll, truck, puzzle, game - it is all the same to me. If we all agreed that "no, he could not get a new one but he could get new clothes/parts/etc to spruce it up" that is what would happen. Regardless of what happened when we got to the store. And at 5 yo, he should be old enough to understand that.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by frontstreetmama

in Free to Be You and Me there's a short story called William's Doll and it's about a dad who doesn't want his son to get a doll and the boy's grandma (the dad's mother) tells him that it will teach him to nurture and care for a baby and that will help make him a great father when he grows up like her son is trying be and he ends up getting the doll... or something like that... but I always thought it put boys having dolls into perspective!

I remember that song. In fact, when a friend of mine had a baby boy, my Mom bought him a doll as a baby gift. The boy's dad was all upset that his son had a doll and it wasn't manly enough (this is an infant we're talking about!) and the mom thought her DH was being rediculous. She named the doll William.

Back to your situation:

I see absolutely no reason at all that boys can't have dolls. My son got a pink plastic dollhouse for Hanukkah one year (age 4 maybe?) because that's what he wanted. He's gotten years of play out of it, although now he's pretty much outgrown it. If you were asking in November or December whether or not to get him a doll as one of his holiday gifts, I would have definitely said yes!

However, it's January. The gift-giving holidays have just ended. In my house, we take a break from new toys after gift-giving time. I just don't buy my kids new toys except at Hanukkah and birthdays, although my kids are free to buy their own toys with their own money at any time, and I've been known to pick up something at a thrift store at random times (because it may not be there if I wait to buy it!)

What's the toy-buying pattern in your house? Do you normally buy toys at random times, just because somebody wants one? If so, then go ahead and buy him a new doll. It's a perfectly appropriate toy for a little boy. However, if you're "done buying new toys for now" and it would ruin the budget/set a bad precedent if you purchased a new toy right now, then don't buy it. The new doll clothes for the old doll is enough to spend money on right now.

[Storm Bride]

I agree with Ruthla's post about gift-giving traditions in your house. There's nothing here that would prompt a change in your overall routine, imo. However, if it's not unusual for you to buy a gift "just because", then go ahead.

No, he doesn't "need" a doll. Who actually "needs" a doll? But, if he wants one, he wants one. There's no reason for him not to have a doll. I agree that he may want it just because his little sister has one (but, maybe not - maybe watching her with it is giving him more of a sense that a baby doll can be fun to play with). I don't necessarily think that's a reason not to get him one.

I totally agree with all the posters who talked about dolls and nurturing. Dolls are pretend play, and there is no reason in the world why a boy shouldn't pretend to nurture and care for something/someone smaller and more helpless than himself!

[kimellett]

[QUOTE=Lynn08;14886027] Or was it because your dh thinks ds only wants one because dd got one and will lose interest quickly?

THIS is exactly my point. I guess I didn't explain it clearly enough. Neither I nor DH care that he's a boy and wants a doll. He's got a kitchen, a doll house, a vacuum cleaner a craft area set-up to die for etc etc. He HAD a doll when he was little. If he wanted to do ballet and wanted a pink tutu, fairy wings and a crown, off to the pink tutu store we'd go! It's NOT a gender issue.


Also, if you and ds discussed it and found a compromise that satisfied all parties (new clothes only), why would you consider buying the doll just because he decides he wants one?

Because the old doll is literally falling apart, and I'd like to keep it for sentimental reasons. (the existing clothes are beyond threadbare!) I suggested the new clothes to feel him out to see if he really wanted a doll or if he just wants anything his sister has. Tonight he made a butterfly to hang from his ceiling, because his sister has butterflies hanging from HER ceiling. I don't care if he likes butterflies, but he just never showed any interest in them before she had butterflies on her ceiling.

So I'm trying to decide if it's a good idea to indulge him when I strongly suspect he's just jealous of the attention DD receives when she cuddles her baby. He IS a very sweet, caring boy. He refused to watch Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer because it was too scary (abominable snow monster) or Polar Express (the train goes off the tracks) and when we read Charlotte's Web, we had to skip to the back to be sure Wilbur was going to be ok. So...same question...should I get him the doll???

[Lynn08]

Well. That changes things. Absolutely get him a new one. It doesn't have to be an expensive doll. And it can be passed on to dd when he outgrows or loses interest in it.

My only concern now is that if he really does only want it because he is jealous of the attention that your dd receives when she plays with her doll, there is a deeper issue than a doll. How are you dealing with his craving attention in general? Again, not to be snarky, but this is something that could escalate if not addressed directly.

[nextcommercial]

I don't think I would buy a really expensive doll, but I'd probably let him pick a new one that he likes. They have some pretty cute and inexpensive dolls in the stores. I know it's really hard to buy a new toy right after Christmas though.

[Linda on the move]

Well, this might sound odd, but if the *only* reason he wants one is because his sister has one, I'd would get him one.

My kids were closely spaced and I sometimes bought them the exact same toy if it was something that couldn't really be shared. They had matching strollers, for example. It was just easier that way. They were happy and they weren't jealous of each other.

There are sooooo many times and ways to let them know that what the other has isn't something they need. Mine are 11 and 13 now and they easily get that. We don't have sib. riv. issues now.

Both your kids are really young. You don't have to stand your ground on this issue right now for your son to eventually figure out that he doesn't need/want things just because his sister has them. Eventually he will make fun of everything she has, wants, listens to, etc. This is a very temporary phase that will pass all too soon.

It's really a very nice stage and I'd rather be there than middle school. Buy him the doll and enjoy the heck of out him being 5!

[elmh23]

Originally Posted by Lynn08

There are a few points that confuse me. Did your dh say your ds didn't need the doll because he is a boy or because he has enough toys? Or was it because your dh thinks ds only wants one because dd got one and will lose interest quickly? Because I can understand the last two scenarios (not saying I agree or disagree, just saying that both are valid and reasonable). And did your dh say flat out "no, don't get him a doll" or did he leave it somewhat open for discussion? Because if my dh and I discussed doing or not doing something and dh did the opposite of what we agreed, I would be pretty POd.

Also, if you and ds discussed it and found a compromise that satisfied all parties (new clothes only), why would you consider buying the doll just because he decides he wants one? That sets a bad precedent, imo. If the child can present a convincing argument (something other than "I want it", lol) then I might consider it, but s/he would most likely not get it that shopping trip. Because it was agreed beforehand that we were going only to get new clothes for the existing doll.

I'm not being snarky - I just want to understand before I say buy or don't buy.

eta: I just don't see this as a gender thing. OP, if it had been a truck instead of a doll that he asked for, would you still be questioning whether to get it for him? Would your dh have said that he didn't need one? If you and ds had agreed to get new decals for his old truck, would you still worry about him wanting a new one when he got to the store? Doll, truck, puzzle, game - it is all the same to me. If we all agreed that "no, he could not get a new one but he could get new clothes/parts/etc to spruce it up" that is what would happen. Regardless of what happened when we got to the store. And at 5 yo, he should be old enough to understand that.

I'm just going to say I agree 100% with Lynn. It doesn't seem like a gender issue to me, more like he's jealous of his sister.

[mommy2maya]

I would get a second doll. We have about 15 dolls in our house, lol, which is A LOT, but at the same time, when we have play dates, there are plenty of dolls for everyone to play with.

[staceychev]

Is it the money? There are lots of affordable baby dolls out there.

Or, is it the waste? I think 5 is old enough to have a serious conversation with before buying him the toy, and maybe saying "If we all [meaning DS, too] decide that you don't want to play with it after a while, we'll donate it to a child who would really want it."

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by kimellett

DS is 5.5. DD is 1. DD has a baby doll she got for Christmas that she just ADORES. She rocks it, feeds it, pushes it in the wagon...and of course we think this is so sweet. One day DS mentions that he'd like a baby doll. (he had one as a baby, but never showed any interest in it) Now this seems pretty obvious that he's a bit jealous, and only wants one because she has one.

So long as there was some pattern of random toy buying in your family (as someone else pointed out!), I'd get the new doll, though I'd possibly wait a couple of weeks to see if he still yearns for it in, say, February.

I'm not quite in the same spot--dd1 is just turned 5 and dd2 is 9 months--but I recognize the dynamic. Yes, he's probably a bit jealous. While waiting for the doll, a little extra one-on-one for him could be a good thing. I've been finding that dd1's disposition and jealousy level improves dramatically when we're able to let her have good concentrated time with one parent or another.

[JL83]

Do you normally buy toys just because? Do you normally buy things on a whim because your son sees one and wants it?

For me it's not a gender issue but rather one where you have to figure out what your family does about things kids want.

We don't buy toys randomly in our house. DD saw her cousins (6 months older and a boy and a girl) get some toys for Christmas that she just loves. But we're not running out to buy them because that's not how we do things. She can play with theirs at their house.

Why can't your son share his sister's doll? It sounds like you think it's cute that your boy wants a typically girl toy. Do you plan to buy your DD every "boy" toy that your son gets that she likes? Do you plan to keep buying your son "girl" things that he sees his sister get?

[pauletoy]

Why not take him to a thrift store and find a used doll? He is obviously going through a jealous phase right now. The challenge is helping him through it without overindulging him. A used but new to him doll would be a good comprimise.