Commiserate: 3 yo after an international move

[EdnaMarie]

Tell me about your pre-schooler after an international move. I am going crazy. I need to hear about other children that did not subsequently grow into sociopaths. When did any misbehavior end, if there was any?

[ollyoxenfree]

Moving, especially internationally, is tough on everyone. I always thought it's easier with younger children, since the older ones, particularly teens, miss their friends so much. I guess everyone feels it.

I used to worry about the effect of frequent moves - yep, even sociopathy. DS is in his 9th or 10th school (I've lost track), and he's in Gr. 11. Isn't that the biography of every sociopath? In fact, he's a confident, happy kid who quickly adapts to new situations, makes friends easily and has maintained lengthy relationships with lots of kids, thanks to e-mail, MSN and Facebook. DD is even more socially adept - at parent teacher interview time, her teachers called her "Queen Bee".

It helps if you acknowledge and respect the feeling of loss with the move, but also look for the positives too.

It takes lots of extra energy to provide the support for your little one, and build social networks. Make sure you are doing the same for yourself too.

Best wishes!

[velochic]

I doubt that it has anything to do with moving internationally. It's probably moving, period. I have an adaptable kiddo and when we moved abroad when she was a toddler and back (she's 7 now), she didn't have any problems adjusting. In fact, she picked up the language faster (and I had already had 3 years of the language) and was more fluent by the time we left back for the States. The whole new culture was like a playground for her to explore and she enjoyed it immensely. We had a great time when we lived abroad. As a LLL leader, we quickly found english-speaking friends (both native speakers from the US and non-native speakers whose english was really fluent) through LLL International. All in all, any adjustments had nothing to do with the international move, but more to do with finding fun and new activities. I miss it so much. We'd move back in an instant. As my location says, I'm still dreaming of being back in the bavarian alps.

So, I doubt it has anything to do with actually moving *abroad*... it's probably just the move in general and upsetting familiar routines. You just need to find your new routines.

Good luck!

[EdnaMarie]

So... maybe my kid is just insane. She seems to be having a really hard time. We have our routines and everything, and she has just been so challenging. Everything, everything, everything is a test. Everything is a tantrum. Everything brings on hours of whining.

And I do think that unless one is moving within Russia, the change in time does have an effect on the child.

I am trying to build networks, but it's hard when I can't take my kid anywhere because of her behavior. I'm sure it will get better, right?

But your kids didn't have any trouble adjusting? That's what I was afraid of. It's just us.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

But your kids didn't have any trouble adjusting? That's what I was afraid of. It's just us.

Ack! I was trying to reassure you that it will be all right - eventually! I didn't mean to leave the impression that it was easy and trouble-free for us - not truel! Yes, they had to adjust and overcome the sadness of leaving familiar places and friends, and the anxiety of learning new routines and making new friends. It isn't just you at all!!

Time changes, language differences, food differences, routines....it all takes a little time. It's even harder if you have a child who is sensitive to her environment and subject to overexcitabilities.

It may be hard for a 3 y.o. to express everything she's feeling. Letting her talk about her feelings, reassuring her, sympathizing, give her some time to work through it. I think most children have a natural tendency to re-orient themselves, if they are given support and nurturing.

Are there some sympathetic ex-pats that you can connect with? They've been through it too, so they'll understand.

Again, best wishes.

[velochic]

What I was trying to say is that it may have nothing to do with an actual move *abroad*. It could be just a stage or the fact that a routine was/routines were upset rather than the actual move itself.

We started traveling abroad with dd when she was 5 months old. By the time we moved abroad, she had already been abroad a few times so we had some experience. Perhaps that helped.

Also, dd just isn't an intense person. She has literally *never* had a temper tantrum. She will pout sometimes about things now that she's a little older, but for the most part, I could always just get down on her level, explain things and she would basically say, "O.K. Mommy." So, it's always been pretty easy to explain and reason with her.

I think living abroad can be a great experience. I just didn't want you to start thinking, "Oh, we should just move back home" and miss the experience of living abroad, when it might just be a developmental stage or phase or personality quirk that has nothing to do with moving/living abroad.

I hope you find some solutions and can feel good about your move. Best of luck!

[proudmamanow]

We moved and dd had a baby sister within 3 months of her turning 3. I did think she had turned into a sociopath (lol, sort of!). She went from an easygoing two year old to an angry 3 yo, hitting other kids at random etc. I think some of it had to with turning 3, some of it with the new sib, and some of it with moving. But if it makes you feel better, you're not alone! And it only lasted about 3-4 months...if that helps!

[sarahr]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

So... maybe my kid is just insane. She seems to be having a really hard time. We have our routines and everything, and she has just been so challenging. Everything, everything, everything is a test. Everything is a tantrum. Everything brings on hours of whining.

That's my 3 yo, too, and I don't have a move to blame it on. So maybe it's just the age. ((hugs)) At least for me, this age is the hardest so far.

[EdnaMarie]

Thanks. I should clarify that while she was strong-willed before, she was generally happy and not whining and tantrums were every few days, not every few hours. She turned three several months ago. This whole phase came on after our first night here, when she seems to have really fully processed the move and that we weren't on vacation.

Three is definitely hard but it just got harder.

I am not looking forward to three months of this! And worse, I don't think she is either.

[meemee]

how long ago did she move?

so think about it. any move can have an affect on anyone - even adults.

new territory. new friends. new park. everything is different.

plus 3 is hard. even at 3 'hard' is not one state of being, but varies in degrees. so i recall beginning of 3 was hard, 3 1/2 was the hardest by end of 3 came down a bit before the 4s started up again.

how to make this easier on you. find something that connects you with the sweetness of her. for me it was posting 3 different age pictures of dd. i am really partial to 2 year olds. so to see those pictures and see how fast she grew up - always took away all the anger and frustration within me.

how are YOU processing the move and your partner. could your dd be picking up some of your tension if there is any.

[EdnaMarie]

Meemee- thanks, I have thought about it. We thought a lot about it leading up to it. I recognize it's hard on her. We have tried to do different things to make it that much easier. It's not that I'm all, "Oh, no, we moved, she's misbehaving, what could be the matter?" It's that I didn't expect her behavior to be this bad and I want to know if it's an extreme reaction, and when it will end. :sheepish: What I'm hearing is yes, and in three months.

We moved last week. It's been ten days now- eleven. We have no car and it's a two-mile walk to the pool in the snow, uphill both ways (there's a valley in between).

I have baby pictures of hers up and we looked at baby pictures the other day. Somehow, that didn't take the edge off when she hit her sister with a toy train. But it's a good idea. I should try it more.

ETA just saw the updates from Olly and Velo. We can't move back home- DH joined the military, so there ya go. There are lots of people around here who have moved but without a car, and with below-freezing temperatures, and two kids, and the jogging stroller with our household goods in a container on a boat somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic, getting together with other expats is challenging. Also, I should note this is not our first international move- we've actually moved internationally three times since she was born, to Asia, from Asia, and then here to Europe. We love living abroad. It's the adjustment that is really hard to cope with, less than the living abroad. Actually I like it here!

We have our first playdate this Friday, which is two weeks after arriving. So maybe that will start to improve things! Thanks for the commiseration, everyone.

[amma_mama]

We moved (internationally) three times when DD was 2.5-3yo. The first move was the toughest. It was a 2-month assignment (but a 2.5yo does not get that) and she was a total bear throughout. It got a bit better after the first week when she started going to a preschool for a good chunk of the day - she got all her energy out and was not at home bored or being dragged around with Mommy and Daddy. That helped but the move did throw her through a loop. She had the occasional "terrible two" tantrums but nothing like we saw then. I think that the upset routine just shook loose and amplified the "normal' behavior.

Then we moved back to our previous home for one month. She did really well with that move as she went back to her previous daycare, though a different room/teacher.

Then after one month, we moved again for a longer-term assignment (ended up being two years and we just recently came back to the US). THis move went much smoother than the first, even with the added burden of Daddy not arriving until a month or so later. She had a lot of excess energy to burn during the first weeks so I got her out and about as much as possible, in between house hunting. I think that helped.

I understand that it is really tough, without a car and icy weather. It will get better though. Part of it is, indeed, the age, which has likely been amplified by the stress of the move. Your old child is still in there somewhere and will re-emerge. In the meantime, do get out as much as possible, despite the tantrums and bad weather, and let her wear herself out.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. I hope that you both enjoy your playdate on Friday!